Do you have severe social incompetence?

And do you also want to look like you have severe social incompetence?

Are you uncool but do you also want to look uncool? Then have I got the web store for you! The Inertia, surf website for aging liberal men with neither love nor prospect for love, is having a sale. “So soft…” their motto goes “…so salty.”

A pullover in Eco-Black costs $39 (the “eco” comes from 6.25% recycled polyester and 6.25% organic cotton. “Eco” seems like it might be a stretch but when your market is aging liberal men you do what you must do).

The Henley, in heather grey, costs $34 dollars and does not include any percentages recycled or organic.

The women’s sweatshirt, also in Eco-Black, costs $39 too but it could cost anywhere from $0.50 to $1,000 and sell the same, which is to say zero because aging liberal men with neither love nor prospect of love have no need for a women’s sweatshirt.

The sale ends April 30th and so if you never want to get laid again hurry! Supplies are, certainly, limited. Shop here now!

What Youth makes film about world’s 21st best surfer!

And I am looking forward to it more than any other film this year.




Kolohe “Brother” Andino truly has grown up in the public eye. I recall my first time interviewing him, so many years ago. I picked him up at the family home. Dino was there, as was Mrs. Dino, a younger sister and a dog. It was all so cute, so almost sit-com cute. The perfect all-American family.

We drove, Kolohe and I, to the Ritz-Carlton in nearby Laguna Niguel and posted up at the bar in two very comfortable leather chairs. I ordered a mojito, if I recall, and asked Kolohe if he wanted one. “On Tony Perez,” I believe I said. He looked at me with a smirk on his face and responded, “I’m fifteen.” And maybe he was sixteen or seventeen, I can’t be sure, but he was definitely too young to drink. I was taken quite aback for I was not trying to be a pervert. I, you see, had been reading/hearing about him for so long that I assumed he was old enough to partake in a friendly cocktail. He seemed as old as Tom Curren to me, in media years.

My shock eventually wore off and we had a lovely conversation about competing, surfing and his favourite competitive surfer Mick Fanning. I had two more mojitos. He told me, as I drove him home, that he wouldn’t tell Dino I plied him with liquor. I also hoped he would not tell Dino that I drove drunk.

Kolohe has since grown. He is now on tour, currently ranked 21st but he is so much better than that dang number. And, maybe best, in so many ways he is still Brother. He still has that same smirk, the same devil may care attitude. The same very ironic sense of humor. I look forward to seeing this small What Youth film. I raise my mojito and toast. “To Kolohe Andino! May he stay forever young!”


Ace Buchan takes one for the screw-foots at the Drug Aware Pro Margaret River 2015… 

It hasn’t been the early season of dreams for the Australian Ace Buchan. The 32-year-old is already into his third event and it’s only today that he squeezed out a heat win.

Can you imagine?

The tour started late-February, it’s almost May, and all Ace has for his dissection of a dozen or so waves, all that travel, all that stress, all those new boards and training and whatever else, is a  pair of lasts.

The game shifted a little today.

In waves that that were ready to destroy the brave parties of three that ventured over the from the deep-water channel every half-an-hour, Ace caused plenty of commotion with an almost perfect 9.57.

So, a few hours later, when Ace gets out of the water from North Point, that performance righthander north of Margs that everyone was hoping would be the contest venue, where, today, it was six-to-eight foot and causing some hysteria, you want to know, how was your day?

“Really, really good.”

He ain’t just talking about the waves he got at North Point.

Let’s talk nine-five-seven. The Box.

“It was full on. Obviously, it was called off after our heat, so it was pretty full on. Me and Kerrsy and Keanu were sitting there chatting to Mick Fanning at the end of his heat and there were rocks popping up and it was starting to max out. Sets were coming from the south and capping on the back of the reef. You weren’t ever completely safe. It was a little bit of cat and mouse. It was tense. I’ve surfed the Box over the years but never that big and never with that much water moving. It’s a huge challenge to put yourself in the position to get one of those barrels. It takes a lot of commitment and a lot of trust in your ability.”

And so…

“Kerrsy had priority for the wave but he was further out and a little deeper. I was in a Better spot. It’s a tight take-off zone out there but I managed to be in that spot where, even if you’re only two feet away from the other guy, you’re in a much better position to take-off. I was riding a brand-new JS quad (six-one Forget Me Not with Ace’s signature fins, in case y’asking) and that wave… there was a lot going on on that wave. There was the first bit that was really thick but it was so big it didn’t pinch, it threw out. It didn’t hit that claw that comes out and gets you, that little claw that pokes its head out on every second wave.

“I got through that, nearly lost it, I hit one of the steps and went sideways, my foot came off. I tried to let go of the rail and then my foot came off so I grabbed my rail again. It looks wild on the replay. I’m out on the face and I’m still trying to make sure I complete the ride. Fuck, all those sessions at the Zone (a slab on the Central Coast) that I surf this time of the year prepared me. It’s pretty similar. You get behind it and you get under the wave if you want to make the drop.”

“I knew it was a good wave but it was one of them heats where there was so much adrenalin that two minutes before that, I had to bail on a ten-foot set on the back of the reef. Everyone else has been more stoked on it than me. When we get put in waves like that, in conditions like that, you want to test yourself and you want to know you’ve given everything.

“I was thinking, it’s heavy we’re runing the event. It’s intimdating. You have to pick your line and focus on what’s in front of you, not on all the boils and undulations in the face of the wave. It was a minefield. The wave period was so big that it was drawing so much water off the reef. No surprises they called it off.

“The most exhilerating part of that wave was the intial commitment. When there’s no turning back. When you look, paddle, go. That’s what it’s about. It’s about commiting and the feeling that it gives you.”


Drug Aware Margaret River Pro Men’s Round 1 Results:

Heat 1: John John Florence (HAW) 13.00, Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 4.46, Dusty Payne (HAW) 2.60

Heat 2: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 7.73, Jadson Andre (BRA) 3.40, Brett Simpson (USA) 0.50

Heat 3: Kelly Slater (USA) 8.20, Kai Otton (AUS) 3.33, Ricardo Christie (NZL) 3.27

Heat 4: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 15.23, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 13.50, C.J. Hobgood (USA) 4.40

Heat 5: Freddy Patacchia Jr. (HAW) 4.30, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 3.96, Alejo Muniz (BRA) 3.27

Heat 6: Mick Fanning (AUS) 14.00, Jay Davies (AUS) 10.27, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 3.34

Heat 7: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 13.74, Josh Kerr (AUS) 8.73, Keanu Asing (HAW) 3.33

Heat 8: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 12.43, Glenn Hall (IRL) 10.50, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 8.36

Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 15.00, Taj Burrow (AUS) 11.53, Bede Durbidge (AUS) 8.33

Heat 10: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.73, Adam Melling (AUS) 8.24, Kolohe Andino (USA) 5.00

Heat 11: Michel Bourez (PYF) 14.76, Nat Young (USA) 14.70, Italo Ferreira (BRA) 9.93

Heat 12: Julian Wilson (AUS) 14.60, Matt Banting (AUS) 8.30, Owen Wright (AUS) 6.80
Drug Aware Margaret River Pro Men’s Round 2 Match-ups:

Heat 1: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Jay Davies (AUS)

Heat 2: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)

Heat 3: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)

Heat 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Ricardo Christie (NZL)

Heat 5: Taj Burrow (AUS) vs. Brett Simpson (USA)

Heat 6: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)

Heat 7: Nat Young (USA) vs. Keanu Asing (HAW)

Heat 8: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Glenn Hall (IRL)

Heat 9: Bede Durbidge (AUS) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)

Heat 10: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)

Heat 11: Jadson Andre (BRA) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)

Heat 12: Kai Otton (AUS) vs. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)

Monster and WSL in fight?

Is a marriage on the rocks?

Remember when the WSL told RedBull to beat it and became monogamous with Monster? Well, it seems like there is trouble in paradise!

Monster has been advertising more and more and more on mixed martial arts mats and less and less and less (as in not at all) on WSL webcasts. Did you watch Ronda Rousey vs. Cat Zingano in Los Angeles? Millions of people did and saw Monster’s green claw get splattered with blood. Not Ronda’s or Cat’s blood, that fight lasted all of 14 seconds and ended with a choke-out, but the blood of all the men before them (which has always seemed totally unappealing to me but, then again, Monster has always seemed unappealing to me too).

Did you watch Mick Fanning vs. Adriano de Souza at Bells? Billions of people did and saw no Monster’s green claw swirling around giant digital WSL pillars because it wasn’t there. Vanished. Gone. Our inside source tells us that Monster is “re-evaluating” but would not say whether a full divorce had taken place.

If Monster jumps out of the race does that point to diminishing numbers on WSL webcasts? Yesterday, the WSL announced a deal with NeuLion, a company that creates channels and distribution for premium paywall content. CEO Paul Speaker took some more ecstasy, maybe, and said, “NeuLion is a top-of-class partner and we’re thrilled to be bringing the unparalleled adventure, competitive drama and athleticism of professional surfing to the world with their help.”

So, officially get ready to pay for webcasts because Monster ain’t anymore because they are getting high off the blood of MMA fighters. And also would someone please tell Mr. Paul Speaker to lay off the superlatives? Mr. Paul? Are you reading? Could you drop “unparalleled adventure” and swap it with “fun-ish if you’ve got absolutely nothing else to do and/or are at work and/or….I don’t fucking know. It’s ok, I guess….if Adriano isn’t in the final or…I really don’t fucking know. It’s just ok. I guess.”?

Michel Bourez Margaret River
And it was last year that Michel Bourez, from Tahiti, laid his strong hands on Margaret River. Such splendour! | Photo: WSL

How Can I Miss The WSL if It Won’t Go Away?

Rory Parker prepares himself for the ecstasy of event number three on the WSL calendar.

Nearly two months after everyone noticed, the WSL has finally decided to go public about their newest big “partnership.”

Neulion is here! It’s the best in online streaming! You can watch in 4K! (and I mean you, not me. There’s no way my Kauai internet connection can handle that shit.)

With this latest announcement the WSL creeps ever closer to becoming that gal you know on Facebook who’s always posting about how much she loves her newest guy, even though everyone knows she was sucking off someone behind the dumpster out back of McDonalds only a few weeks ago.

Here’s a cool new term for you, “Semantic Satiation”. It’s when you hear something repeated so often it loses all meaning and becomes just a series of meaningless sounds.

And speaking of meaningless sounds:

“The mantra at the WSL has always been to bring the world’s best surfing to the largest possible audience with the very best experience,” said Paul Speaker, World Surf League CEO. “Neulion is a top-of-class partner and we’re thrilled to be bringing the unparalleled adventure, competitive drama and athleticism of professional surfing to the world with their help.”

The statement smacks of PR speak, and you’d think that someone would have thought twice about using the word “mantra.” The word refers only to repetition, in no way implying a basis in fact or intention. “Mission” would have sold better, if being further removed from actual truth.

Which segues nicely into…

Speaking of empty rhetoric, following the pointless hysteria surrounding Medina’s use of an expletive during the Snapper webcast I was surprised to see the total pass given to Jordy Smith after he delivered the ol’ double middle finger salute to the judges on his way in from his quarter-final heat against Fanning.

Do I care about the protruding digits of a South African with weird nips? Of course not. But Medina had to make a public apology and got hit with some sort of secret fine, a firm smack on the bottom delivered in the name of professionalism. Completely ignoring Smith’s transgression demonstrates an inconsistency that could wreak havoc in the coming season.

How much dissent is acceptable? I don’t expect a for profit pseudo sanctioning body to be either just or fair, but I don’t think it’s asking to much to expect some consistency.

Speaking of consistency…

If the swell forecasts for the Margaret River contest are to be believed it’s looking like the third time may be the charm for the WSL. After the first two events of the year fell flat on their stupid faces the WSL desperately needs Mother Nature to cooperate and deliver something that’ll entice the non surfing masses into logging in and vegging out.

Which means the ocean had better deliver some spectacular wipeouts and provide tons of opportunities for the talking heads to refer to the life threatening nature of the surf. Is a double-overhead wave really considered “big” anymore in the context of professional surfing? I’d argue not, but that doesn’t really matter.

What does matter is that the hype machine can play up the thrills and spills at The Box or if, rumours are to be believed, the contest moves on over to the freight-train righthanders and monster ramps of North Point.

Complicating the North Point move are regulations that forbid its use as a professional venue, but, if the Hawaiian leg is any indication, the WSL is more than capable of subverting local ordinances and receiving approval for actions for which exemptions are not typically provided.