You need a paid best friend! You need a distorted view of reality! And three more!
Delusional: Meet Hawaii’s hateful god-shouter!
Free speech is a helluva thing…
Much like Oregon, Hawaii attracts a lot of people running from their problems. Never mind the fact that their underlying struggles are typically self inflicted and will follow them to the ends of the Earth, this little far flung archipelago presents a tempting fantasy of warm tropical days unburdened by past or proclivity. Reality is, of course, different, but that’s a fact that’s hard to appreciate until you’re staring down the barrel of our insane cost of living, lack of affordable housing, and laughably low wages.
And so a steady stream of mainland origin flights spew forth their daily assault of stinking filthy, dirty, hippy fools, nothing to lose junkie scumbags, gutter punk status dropouts, kid diddler ex-cons, and wild-eyed Jesus freaks.
Most will try and fail, others will end up dead by overdose or misadventure, but the very worst will find a toe hold and set roots like a pestilent haole weed.
For the last five years Lincoln Park, in Hilo, has been forced to deal with a nightmare transplant of the delusionally hateful god-shouter set.
James Borden, a 64-year-old Massachusetts native, has taken it upon himself to follow in the footsteps of his haole forerunners and use the location as a sounding board for his unique brand of hateful nonsensicality.
His church, the Yaweh Lincoln Park Ministry, which consists of a pickup truck with large signs affixed to the tailgate, has enlightened the local community with many bits of his home brewed wisdom over the last few years, such as “Homos using children to promote queer lifestyle” and “Muslim Obama’s Islam go back to Saudi Arabiai [sic].”
Borden has been largely tolerated or ignored by the local community, wisely so, as it’s important to let the dumbest shout their stupid opinions so you can properly vet your own, lest you find yourself in agreement.
“You know, I always thought Borden was a moron, but his recent message about the president being a secret lizard sodomite from Kenya who smokes cigarettes and is in league with the Jew cabal living at the center of the Earth really struck a chord with me…” Oops, time to reevaluate some stuff.
However, his latest sign has struck a nerve, featuring large depiction of what is purportedly an aborted fetus. It’s gross, everyone is really bummed out, and they’ve decided enough is enough.
Armed with signs bearing positive messages like “Live Aloha, “Honk if you love Obama,” and “A’ole racism” they’ve begun a counter protest hoping to… well, I don’t know what they really hope to accomplish.
Beyond the indisputable legality of his actions Borden actually has supporters, like mental giant, George Krail (click here):
“My wife was here earlier, and her and I were healed of the two abortions we had,” Krail said. “We were for abortion, we came to Christ, and somebody like Jim (Borden), showing us the picture of the baby, we were like my gosh, that’s what we did. That’s the reality of what we did, and that’s what turned us around.”
And so continues another example of America’s proud tradition of religious zealots using notions of liberty in their quest to deny rights to other people who aren’t hurting anyone.
Fortunately for us, the zeitgeist is currently skewing agnostic.
Finally, Big Island is a crazy place with its own notions of frontier justice.
I will not be surprised if Borden’s corpse finds itself stuffed into a lava tube on undeveloped land in the very near future.
Discovered: perfect uncrowded waves!
There's just one catch. And it's a doozy…
I saw Rob Machado at the grocery store yesterday
He was buying one bottle of teriyaki sauce.
He stood behind me in line with his one bottle of teriyaki sauce. I was buying lots more than that but I can’t remember what and can’t remember why I didn’t let Rob cut in front of me. I didn’t bring a bag so I had to buy one for five cents. Rob didn’t need a bag because he was buying one bottle of teriyaki sauce. We talked about the famous snowboarder Nicolas Muller and about BBQing. It was nice.
Do you think Rob Machado is one of the greatest surfers ever? He is getting kind of old now even though his hair is still impossibly full. But it has grey in it.
How to: Land Your First Air
It ain't just a dream! You can do it!
Cutbacks and swishing back and forth on a wave is, generally, the funnest thing in the world. At least it is until you discover the relative simplicity and ultra-satisfaction of regularly landing aerials.
Have you ever tried?
I mean, have you ever consciously forced yourself to not just throw your board away above the lip, but stay over the deck, land and ride out? Probably not.
It continues to amaze me how few surfers even try to lance the boil of monotony by taking their surfing to a different dimension.
I know you want to.
And, so to further the cause, I’ve asked Josh Kerr, a 30-year-old Australian surfer living in Carlsbad, California, the WSL surfer and one-time aerial world champ, to talk you the through the mechanics of stomping aerials. This how-to is the for the average and slightly-above average surfer.
“Stay in the top half of the wave and stall until you see the section. You only need one good pump before you hit the section. And you want to be accelerating, you want thrust, when you hit the section. So many people race, race, race, then slow down, and lose their pop when they hit the lip.”
The pop! Listen to air guys and it’s a common theme.
“It’s crucial. If you use the right part of the wave, one pump and you can go from 10 clicks to 15 in a blink.”
A common mistake Josh sees is “People kicking their board out in front of them. They’re not staying over the top of their board and they’re putting their board flat to the beach. You’ve got to be committed to stay over your board. Don’t fall back when you’re in the air.”
And air reverses? If you’re a snowboarding kinda guy or gal, you already know what Josh is going to say. If not, add the word huck to your lexicon. “It’s all about the huck. The main technique is swinging your arms and shoulders. It’s like a golf swing. You need to have full commitment to the swing and the follow through. Twist your shoulders, twist your head and your lower body will catch up.”
As for the semi-mythical full rotator, it requires an extra, conscious, and quite a physical huck. “The foreign part is coiling your body to get that extra part of the rotation.”
Feeling it? Go! Try!
Blow a thousand waves. But that first big air you stomp? Tell me you won’t be smiling.
Even if you’re old, y’ain’t outta the game. Watch this from the nearly 50-year-old Brad Gerlach.