Avoid the skate park, the post office if you're
boozed and maybe the old gals at Twin Towns…
You’ll first see what makes Coolangatta what it
is, first, from the window of your plane as it banks over
Point Danger on its final landing approach. The vision is as
fantastic as it is wondrous; a geographical twerk in your face.
There’s the rivermouth beachbreak Duranbah on its south-east
flank, the everyday staple for its surfing population, but on its
northern side, thoroughly protected from any southerly wind, are
the points of Snapper, Rainbow Bay, Greenmount and Kirra. In
between all that is the occasionally epic Coolangatta sandbar.
Coolangatta is a sweaty (literally!) sub-tropical city on the
Queensland and NSW border. But an easy, breezy lifestyle doesn’t
necessarily lead to utopia. If you want surf, you’ll find it. If
you want a good job, maybe not. If you want drugs and a fight every
time you swing your caboose after dark, you got it.
It’s a town where you can pick and choose the life you want to
lead. Live like a caveman, up at first light and indoors when the
sun squashes behind the mountains, and it’s a dream.
Noa Deane grew up and continues to live in a blissful state
there. His advice reveals many secrets…
Best place to drink: The Sands. It’s the pub
that everyone goes to start off. Maybe go to one of the clubs
after, but you never know.
The clubs: Komune or Neverland. I really try to
not to go but it’s too easy to get sucked in. It’s pretty funny.
You always walk out of there thinking why did I do that?
The main players around town: In Cooly it’s all
the local crew, Jack Freestone, Mitch Crews, until summer comes
around, and then you’ll get a few people from America and the rest
of the world. It’s different than Surfers Paradise where it’s gym
junkie and sweatshop nation. There’s a group of people that hang
out in the Snapper carpark all day long, every day. It’s a bit
weird.
Where to find Mick and Joel: I don’t know about
Joel but I could find Mick. If he was home after a comp he’ll be
down at the Sands with the boys having a beer. If he’s not there
he’ll be at D-Bah, parked in the same spot he’s parked in for
years. On the hill up the side street, he loves it.
Best breakfast: Café Scooterini. Ask for the
secret sandwich: chicken, aoli and fries.
Coffee: I don’t drink that shit anymore,
anxiety reasons but when I did I’d go to Lido. Maybe have an
English Breakfast tea and a biscuit instead.
Dinner joints: I like Top Noodle. It’s cheap,
tasty and you can take beer in. Burgerlounge is incredible too, but
it’s a bit more expensive.
Where to surf when it’s pumping: I surf at
D-Bah. Everyone will be over at Snapper fighting the crowds and
I’ll have the peaks to myself.
When it’s onshore: If it’s a northerly head
down to Ballina or Tallows in Byron. When it’s flat go to Straddie,
it’ll be double-overhead.
Sharks: I’ve never seen one down here, so it’s
not really something to worry about. I thought I saw one once but
it didn’t look very big and it stayed away.
Best kept secret: Cudgun Reef, down towards the
backside of Kingscliff. It’s this crazy right reef out there, and
no one surfs it. When the waves are four-foot and offshore it’s
perfect.
Cheapest bar: The Sands has half-priced beers
from on Fridays (from five pm til seven pm) and Sundays (two till
five). You can get a schooner for $2.50 and I don’t know anywhere
else in Australia that’s cheaper. You go down and get so loaded
with the biggest mix bag crowd.
Most expensive bar: Café Fresh Lounge Bar. They
make some rad cocktails.
Where to get plastered and not kicked out: Once
again, The Sands does a pretty good job of that. When you get
kicked out of Neverland just sneak across the road and you’ll be
fine.
Best bar story: My friend Toby and I were at
Neverland one night, standing at the top of a staircase, and this
old lady was yelling at us, “I’ve fucked boys half your age,”
poking us and stuff. We handed her a beer, she chugged the whole
thing and went ass-over down the stairwell. She got so squished, it
was heavy.
Where to find girls: Komune. A lot of girls go
there. Or if you want a real rough chick go to Cooly Hotel.
My brother was walking through the park and somebody jumped out
of the bushes and stabbed him, took his wallet and his phone. It’s
full of crackheads that are so high they just want to kill
people.
Cougars: At Twin Towns and Cooly Hotel there
are a lot of women on the prowl. Watch out younger men.
Where to avoid: The park near the skatepark is
such a no- zone. So many people get stabbed there and punched out.
My brother was walking through the park and somebody jumped out of
the bushes and stabbed him, took his wallet and his phone. It’s
full of crackheads that are so high they just want to kill
people.
How to get punched: Walk by the Post Office,
drunk and vulnerable, and you’ll get beat up. Or if you go to the
Cooly Hotel and try to back up a chick that’s getting picked on,
come in and say, “Beat it bro,” you’ll be in a fight in no time.
Bang.
How to buy drugs: You can really just ask
anyone in a bar and they’ll probably be able to help you out. If
you’re after something hard, go to a tattoo shop or porn store.
They’re run by the bikies and haven’t had business in years, just
drug dealin’.
How to get laid: I’m the worst person to ask
for this. If you’re after a typical Gold Coast chick, be a dick to
them. If you’re nice they’ll think that you’re a creep and brush
you.
The girls: There are two main types, the normal
chicks and the full-on Gold Coast chicks. The GC girls are pretty
easy to pick out, just look for cheap cocktail dresses and caked-on
makeup.
The boys: There are the surfers, then you have
you’re average hipster-esque group, and then the roid-raging
bikies. Somebody looking in might think this is the weirdest place,
but once you get your own shit going on it’s one of the best places
in the world even if there is the odd obnoxious steroid freak, but
they’re always good for a laugh.
Best pickup line to use: For the average Gold
Coast girl, say something really stupid. “Should we get out of
here?” Don’t even bother introducing yourself. I swear people walk
around the bar doing that and it works.
Pros and Cons: The biggest pros would be the
waves and that there’s always stuff happening: dinner, drinks,
shows. There’s not a whole lot of pressure to always be busy
though, it’s a pretty relaxed place. I really like it in winter
when there are not as many people and the waves are in the best
shape. The bad side of it is that it’s pretty easy to get caught in
a bubble and if you don’t watch out you’ll turn into something
pretty rank. Everybody does the same shit and goes out to the same
places over and over, it’s like Groundhog Day. Komune, Neverland,
Sleep, Repeat.
During the Quiky Pro: To surf, go to D-Bah.
Everyone surfs over the other side of the cliff and there’ll be no
one out. I was surfing Lovers and it was five-foot and empty.
To drink, it’s Neverland prime time. All your friends from around
the world get to Cooly at the same time, and are always keen for a
beer. They always host the sponsor parties, which are so fun.
The best time of year: From the middle of
February to June would be the best window, but shoot for April.
Clean conditions and a nice east swell.
Worst time of year: October through December is
horrible. You wouldn’t even bother getting in the water.
Where to stay: There are houses near Rainbow
Beach that you can rent out for weeks at a time and if you have a
fair crew it wouldn’t be too expensive. Otherwise, there are a few
backpackers in town that wouldn’t be bad. There’s one above The
Sands but it’d be hard to stay away from those beers.
How to get around: Everything is so close. You
can walk anywhere in five minutes. Or skate.
Biggest events: You have the Quiksilver Pro and
then there’s this Cooly Rocks On thing that is pretty huge. It runs
at the very start of winter for about a month. Pop-up shops take
over the beachfront.
Where to get a board: I ride for Rusty so I get
all my boards from the factory in the states. But as a tourist,
head to Cooly Surf. The boys in there have a shit-ton of different
designs and shapers.
Best shop to waste time in: Motorcycle Music.
It’s the coolest store! You have records and these crazy vintage
guitars. The guy who runs it, Gary, will just jam with you for
hours. Steph (Gilmore) always stops in for ages when she’s at home.
But he’s only open full muso-hours, 12:30 to 6:30.
Where to buy clothes: There are a few Op-Shops
that are so cheap. Re-psycle is where I’ve gotten most of
my good stuff and the proceeds go towards mental health
foundations. If you’re a girl go to RSPCA, it’s full of dresses and
that.
Where to get a haircut: Beeba. They have nice,
young ladies working there rather than weird old dudes that are
real eggy, wishing they could cut your throat with the razor.
Where to go for drunken eats: The Cooly Pie
Shop. When you’re really out to lunch and you get a sausage role or
a spinach triangle, you’ll leave with a pretty big smile on your
face.
Where to buy a book: There’s a secondhand book
store next to Big Chiefs, a burger place, that is pretty good. It’s
just called Secondhand Book Store.
Best Mexican food: There’s not much. I go to
America and come back thinking where the fuck is the Mexican food
at, because it sucks here. If you feel like driving to Byron,
there’s a new place across the road from The Beach Hotel that makes
amazing margaritas. You have one and you’re cooked.
How to avoid the cops: Don’t pee in public and
don’t walk around with open beers. They’ll corner you and fine you
$100 and be dicks about it in the meantime. Aside from that you’re
fine.
Where to go when you want to get out of town:
The Currumbin rock pools. They’re about 15 minutes north and such a
fun spot to spend the day.
Free entertainment: If you’re not counting
fuel, you can drive to the Anchorage, just up Tweed River. It’s
this bridge that you can jump off of and a nice little sandy beach
to hang around all day.