Which surfers would do best in a big box discount
retailer?
Tony Hawk, the older skateboarder who became
famous by stealing skate moves from Australians, just inked a
historic deal with Arkansas superstore Walmart!
Walmarts are known, the world over, as places that offer
ridiculously cheap prices on consumer goods. They are also known,
the world over, as places that do not smell very good. They are
also known, the world over, as places not to work. Human Rights
Watch says:
“Walmart denies basic human rights to its employees.”
Tony Hawk says:
“In my many visits to Canada on skate tours, I am consistently
humbled by the response that Canadians have given to me, the Tony
Hawk brand and skateboarding in general. I will be fully committed
to the success of this launch through my social media, marketing,
and appearances. It’s going to be a great ride!”
?
But it makes me wonder, which surfer (outside Laird and Kelly)
would have the strongest big box superstore middle America appeal?
If, say, Taj Burrow launched a line of Taj by Taj boardshorts would
they do well? If Gabriel Medina released a series of Gab by Gab
rashguards would you see them dotting the Great Lakes next summer?
If Mick Fanning licensed an “I fought the shark and I won” t-shirt
would it sell?
Which surfer (outside Laird and Kelly) is crazy marketable?
Tony Hawk gets barreled.
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Finally: A waterman we can love!
By Chas Smith
Kai Lenny will change your calcified mind about
SUPs and things.
When I hear the word “waterman” I tended to
think “ick” and “SUP” and “windsurf” and “kitesurf” and “fish” and
“tie knots.” Those things don’t appeal to me and I can’t, for the
life of me, tie a knot.
Everything is different now though because Kai Lenny. He does
all those things and does them very well and, somehow, has zero
ick. If I saw him supping at my home break I would not snake him
but, instead, feel very honored. If I saw him kitesurfing I would
not secretly hope a giant gust would come out of nowhere and carry
him away.
What is it about Kai that makes him, and everything he does, so
palatable? Sports Illustrated went to find out! They say:
It’s like an angry monster, Kai Lenny says of Peahi,
arguably the most iconic big wave surf spot in the world. Located
off the North coast of Maui, the surf at Peahi resembles avalanches
of water. On a good swell, wave heights can reach to above 50 feet.
No wonder the spot is also known as Jaws.
But when Lenny describes the break, his tone leans more
toward respect than fear.
“It looks so makeable from the cliffs,” he
says. “But when you get out there it’s a different story. It so
fast and has so much power…. The first thing I did there was
windsurfing, then tow-in surfing, then Stand Up Paddling, then
traditional surfing.”
Lenny pauses. He reconsiders his answer: “Wait. Actually the
first time I ever surfed Jaws was on a hydrofoil board.”
He was 16.
The lapse in recollection makes sense. Lenny’s pursuits in
the world’s oceans, rivers—or in any body of water for that
matter—are so diverse that it must be difficult even for him to
keep all of them in order.
It’s almost enough to make you want to yank off your wetsuit,
hitch up your pants and never surf again.
But, wait.
Did you know you can protect yourself from attack by great
whites with happy thoughts on the beach and with visualisation in
the water? It’s outrageous but maybe there is a grain of truth in
it all.
The doll in this video is Anna Breytenbach, a “world-class
communicator with animals”. Cheetahs, mountain lions, great whites,
she do it all.
In the video, below, she advises surfers to spend a few minutes
pre-surf just standing on the beach, addressing the sharks
silently, “sending a nice greeting.” Don’t speak shark? It doesn’t
even matter.
“They’ll get it on the quantum level,” she says.
Once in the water visualise a bubble around you, above, below, a
protective radius. Fill it full of peaceful energy.
If it works, it’s a trick with flair!
The Skeptics Society ain’t convinced (click here), but it’s the easiest thing in the world
to sit around and bruise beautiful apples because you won’t open
your mind.
Anna Breytenbach is at the front-line of human-animal
electromagnetic communication.
Here’s a dolphin who didn’t watch the video. (Click!)
Watch and believe, if you dare.
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Win: 6 days in Tavarua with Slater and
Dorian!
By Derek Rielly
And all you gotta do is peel off a little
cash…
This philanthropic venture just strolled across my
desk and I just had to yield to it. The value of being
generous has just been restored!
The details are below, but briefly, donate some money and you be
flown to Fiji to share Instagram posts with Kelly
Slater and Shane Dorian (maybe you can help Kelly with his
prolific Twitter ripostes) as well as golfing, barreling
together at Cloudbreak, fishing and probs helicopter rides from the
mainland (though not mentioned). Both surfers will give you a
board, too, which may make your circuits override with electricity.
I know mine would.
Here’s the video explanation!
The contest press release is thus:
“Anyone can book a trip to a tropical beach for the holidays,
but only Omaze, the online cause marketplace, can send one lucky
winner and a guest on the trip of a lifetime to Tavarua Island. The
trip will be hosted by surfing legends Kelly Slater and Shane
Dorian all while supporting four incredible causes.
“One winner and a guest will stay on the private Tavarua Island,
surf with the two professionals and enjoy golf and fishing
excursions making this a life-changing vacation to the island
renowned for its waves and heart shape.
“To enter, fans of surfing and tropical getaways should visit
www.Omaze.com/Fiji to donate as little as $10 for their chance to
win the exclusive six-day trip complete with flights and hotel
accommodation. Whether the winner is a surfing pro or a complete
beginner, hosts Kelly and Shane will be on-hand to make this the
experience of a lifetime.
“Shane and I have been to Tavarua countless times, our favorite
place on earth. We’re super excited to share this amazing
experience with the winner and show them what our lives are all
about,” says Kelly Slater. “Basically it doesn’t get any better
than this for someone who just wants a cool vacation or a great
surf trip. Every time I go I think it could be the best trip of my
life.”
“We have spent a lot of time on Tavarua over the years and know
all the best spots. The fact that every entry benefits such amazing
causes really takes this thing to the next level,” Shane Dorian
adds.
“All proceeds will benefit four global causes that are closest
to Slater and Dorian’s hearts. Those causes include SurfAid, MORE
Than Sport Foundation, Skate to School Scholarship Fund and Smile
Train. Unlike an auction where the highest bidder wins, all
participants have the chance to win this incredible experience. To
enter, donate as little as $10 at www.Omaze.com/Fiji.
“The campaign launches today and runs until November 11th. The
winner and one lucky guest will take off on this incredible
experience on November 28th and will stay in Fiji until December
4th.”
Donate! Maybe win!
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Feel-good: 5 Great Things About the
WSL!
By Rory Parker
Positivity is the newest black!
One of the best thing about writing online is the
audience interaction. Once upon a time, if someone
wanted to tell you to go suck a big pile of dicks they had to take
the effort to write it down, find an envelope, put a stamp on it,
and mail it along.
So much work, it really limited discourse.
But now that anyone can chime in with little to no effort, man,
what a time to be alive!
For instance, yesterday Kelly Bailey wrote to us:
She’s totally right (maybe it’s a he? I just assume all Kellys
are female, even though that’s my youngest brother’s name)! Your
beloved BeachGrit runs the risk of becoming the cool kids’
table; everything sucks, no one is awesome but us. Too hip, too
blasé. And you just know one of us is going to mix a pile benzos
and opiates and Ledger ourselves a few weeks after graduation.
I’ve said it before, and I’m saying it again, we’re too
negative, so here’s some positive.
Your beloved BeachGrit runs the risk of
becoming the cool kids’ table; everything sucks, no one is awesome
but us. Too hip, too blasé. And you just know one of us is going to
mix a pile benzos and opiates and Ledger ourselves a few weeks
after graduation.
This one’s for you, Kelly!
Five Great Things about the WSL
The women know their place: It’s the 21st
century, and we’re all the same. Men, women, inbetweens, it doesn’t
matter. And, as a straight white male, I find that very
threatening. It’s not that I expect to be treated better because of
how I was born, it would just be nice to see others treated
worse. It’s a cheat code for life, one that all my ancestors
got, and it really sucks that I’m denied.
The male/female WSL heirarchy puts a smile on my face.
The girls are satisfied with playing second banana for less
money, and bless their hearts for that! At least some of
them know where they belong, two paces behind the men with their
mouths firmly shut.
They’re not over exposing big-wave spots
They aren’t exposing them at all! No webcast, no TV,
though you may soon be able to see them in some form on the
Universal Sports Network!
There’s nothing more important than keeping the best big waves
spots secret, and running a hidden big-wave tour fits that goal
like a glove.
They’ve kept the broadcast team nice and white
Yeah, the Brazilian storm is still in effect, but who wants to
see a brown face talk about surfing? Can you imagine the horror of
staring at some bilingual darkie for hours at a time? No thanks,
that’s not for this proud Aryan.
While our social structure crumbles around us in the name of
diversity, it’s good to see that the WSL takes a hard and fast rule
firmly to heart: If it ain’t white, it ain’t right!
As well as keeping everything “sportsmanlike,” it also served to
the rid the tour of its only Mexican, marking the first time white
people stole one of their jobs.
They keep it family friendly
Can you imagine how terrible it would be if surfers spoke from
the heart? We’ve seen it happen once or twice, and a swear always
makes it way in. Thank god the WSL knows that kind of passion is
unwanted, and keeps everything nice and milquetoast.
As well as keeping everything “sportsmanlike,” it also served to
the rid the tour of its only Mexican, marking the first time white
people stole one of their jobs.
They busted the union
The ASP pre-WSL was a filthy commie pseudo union, where riders
had a voice and an elected rep who lobbied for their best
interests. Which was downright unAmerican. Which is a great
word, because it’s got a capital letter in the middle of it. How
many of those do you think there are?
Freeing the tour from the tyranny of the surfers’ collective
voice, going back to the good ol’ every-man-for-himself mindset, it
can only spell good things for the future of competitive
surfing.
