Positivity is the newest black!
One of the best thing about writing online is the audience interaction. Once upon a time, if someone wanted to tell you to go suck a big pile of dicks they had to take the effort to write it down, find an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it along.
So much work, it really limited discourse.
But now that anyone can chime in with little to no effort, man, what a time to be alive!
For instance, yesterday Kelly Bailey wrote to us:
She’s totally right (maybe it’s a he? I just assume all Kellys are female, even though that’s my youngest brother’s name)! Your beloved BeachGrit runs the risk of becoming the cool kids’ table; everything sucks, no one is awesome but us. Too hip, too blasé. And you just know one of us is going to mix a pile benzos and opiates and Ledger ourselves a few weeks after graduation.
I’ve said it before, and I’m saying it again, we’re too negative, so here’s some positive.
Your beloved BeachGrit runs the risk of becoming the cool kids’ table; everything sucks, no one is awesome but us. Too hip, too blasé. And you just know one of us is going to mix a pile benzos and opiates and Ledger ourselves a few weeks after graduation.
This one’s for you, Kelly!
Five Great Things about the WSL
The women know their place: It’s the 21st century, and we’re all the same. Men, women, inbetweens, it doesn’t matter. And, as a straight white male, I find that very threatening. It’s not that I expect to be treated better because of how I was born, it would just be nice to see others treated worse. It’s a cheat code for life, one that all my ancestors got, and it really sucks that I’m denied.
The male/female WSL heirarchy puts a smile on my face.
The girls are satisfied with playing second banana for less money, and bless their hearts for that! At least some of them know where they belong, two paces behind the men with their mouths firmly shut.
They’re not over exposing big-wave spots
They aren’t exposing them at all! No webcast, no TV, though you may soon be able to see them in some form on the Universal Sports Network!
There’s nothing more important than keeping the best big waves spots secret, and running a hidden big-wave tour fits that goal like a glove.
They’ve kept the broadcast team nice and white
Yeah, the Brazilian storm is still in effect, but who wants to see a brown face talk about surfing? Can you imagine the horror of staring at some bilingual darkie for hours at a time? No thanks, that’s not for this proud Aryan.
While our social structure crumbles around us in the name of diversity, it’s good to see that the WSL takes a hard and fast rule firmly to heart: If it ain’t white, it ain’t right!
As well as keeping everything “sportsmanlike,” it also served to the rid the tour of its only Mexican, marking the first time white people stole one of their jobs.
They keep it family friendly
Can you imagine how terrible it would be if surfers spoke from the heart? We’ve seen it happen once or twice, and a swear always makes it way in. Thank god the WSL knows that kind of passion is unwanted, and keeps everything nice and milquetoast.
As well as keeping everything “sportsmanlike,” it also served to the rid the tour of its only Mexican, marking the first time white people stole one of their jobs.
They busted the union
The ASP pre-WSL was a filthy commie pseudo union, where riders had a voice and an elected rep who lobbied for their best interests. Which was downright unAmerican. Which is a great word, because it’s got a capital letter in the middle of it. How many of those do you think there are?
Freeing the tour from the tyranny of the surfers’ collective voice, going back to the good ol’ every-man-for-himself mindset, it can only spell good things for the future of competitive surfing.
I’m crying.
Awesome! “Positive is the new Negative”
Now that’s gritty!!
Man, best article ever about WSL. Cool!!
I’d just like to see some original content once in a while. Not a website which is an entire rip off of Bill Strobeck.
The most upsetting thing here is that:
A) You uploaded Kelly’s lovely post at the wrong size. It’s stretched and I don’t appreciate what you’ve done to his/her dog’s face.
B) The lack of consistency with bolding titles confuses me. Where’s the content hierarchy?
You did use two pull quotes though. Every cloud etc.
They always look stretched and weird on the smart phone. If d hadn’t got out of stab at so early he could have afford a good web designer
You don’t even need a “good” web developer: it’s literally a one-line of code fix. Oh fuck it, here – attn BeachGrit folks: add “height: auto;” on line 1690 of the main.css file of whatever template you bought.
Now when I can’t afford to feed my family because I gave away information for free, their starvation is on your hands, BeachGrit. Your constantly misaligned images have driven me to this!
I’m on a beta version of IE6, so would need some kind of workaround for height: auto.
You’d need a magic wand and a philosopher’s stone for that, because fixing Internet Explorer takes fucking magic.
Seriously, I’d have a lot more time to surf (and a lot less reasons to drink) if people would just use the browsers I tell them to.
Non-contextual linking too. ‘Click here’ – what is this, the early 00s.
I would honestly rather do ANYTHING that read/watch/listen to anything on that played out, over hyped piece of copying shit “website”.
that was pretty entertaining
wildcard for jay?
you have outdone yourself good sir… Bravo
You have the knack of making me laugh – thanks. I am however sure that you are far more interested in Kelly’s response rather than the rest of the amused peanut gallery.
I like this positive negative approach, it gets all the “be cool man’s” ready to love, then you knock them down
You subversive sonofabitch. I think I love you, Rory.
Kelly Bailey can suck a big pile of dicks
Is that the first time a surf writer has used Milquetoast?
If so, bravo.
Indeed, a literary rarity. Milquetoast – One who has a meek, timid, unassertive nature. A prerequisite for employment in the WSL juggernaut methinks.
I thought “milquetoast” was an adjective referring to the character of most SoCal-born surfers, a term generally accompanied by passive aggressive tendencies, designer sunnies, and an inflated sense of self.
That was great. Kelly Bailey shall be stoked.
“How many of those do you think there are?”
At least as many as there are countries?…
“…marking the first time white people stole one of their (mexican) jobs.”
Brilliancy is in the details! Ah aha aah ahaaah