Both stories combed the feud’s themes of fantasy, juvenile
egotism, anxiety and contempt, arrested adolescence, heterosexual
activity, obscene ruthlessness, virulent sexism and a childish
fantasy of power.
Compelling, in other words.
Today, the final word in the blood feud comes from a surprising
source: a middle-aged bicycle enthusiast (Durianrider) from South
Australia, whose YouTube channel has over 150k subscribers and over
100 million views. He has no connection to either surfer and yet
shears the feud in two in a three-minute video of homespun
wisdom.
To Ethan he advises:
“You’re stoned out of your mind, you’re glazed as fuck… I was a
stoner when I was your age and you’re missing out on a lot, man.
(Jay’s) going under your rug because you’re stoned and floundering
around and he’s cutting through. He’s getting it. You sound really
jealous that Jay’s banging Alexis… what I’m going to say,
mate, until you get off the bongs you’re not going to pull chicks
like that.”
Three minutes of funny.
Watch here.
And you can buy Duranrider’s book Carb the Fuck Up! (Follow
your heart with no fucks given) here.
Three shark attacks in the span of a week have the
island of Oahu whipped into a hysterical fervor. The
shores are lined with spear-wielding locals, a fleet of fishing
boats combs the coastal waters destroying everything in its
wake.
Residents have joined together in one voice and made their
intentions clear: the shark scourge will be wiped from existence,
no longer will humanity cower in fear, reluctant to leave the
safety of dry land!
Not really.
There were three attacks, kinda.
The third attack was at Waikiki, and was, according to
officials, an eel. Which is kind of neat, eels aren’t usually
aggressive unless provoked, so the dude basically won the animal
attack lottery. Only the prize sucks, eel bites are horrific,
though less severe than that of a shark.
Two unfortunate souls were hit by large tigers, one while
surfing Leftovers, another while making the swim from the Mokes
outside Lanikai to shore, losing one leg below the knee, and both
above the ankle, respectively.
This is what a shark attack looks like. The man,
above, was swimming to shore at Lanikai, on Oahu. He was recused by
a man and his kid who happened to be nearby in an outrigger canoe.
“It was just, go go go,” the kid said. “My dad just kept him
talking to keep his mind off the giant holes in his
legs.”
The third attack was at Waikiki, and was, according to
officials, an eel. Which is kind of neat, eels aren’t usually
aggressive unless provoked, so the dude basically won the animal
attack lottery. Only the prize sucks, eel bites are horrific,
though less severe than that of a shark.
Derek talked to Laserwolf, North Shore resident, photographer
extraordinaire, family man, and all around cool guy, to get his
take on the situation.
“I’m surprised I haven’t been bit yet… but you can’t be mad at
the sharks. It’s like a hiker who goes in the woods and then is
surprised to get attacked by a bear. I don’t kill sharks. I don’t
fish for them for sport and I don’t support it. Hopefully, my
respect for the ocean and its inhabitants is returned until the end
of my days…
“Everyone shark fishes where I come from. Everyone. All my
friends I grew up with do it. I never once partook. What’s the
point of dragging something around by a hook in its mouth for hours
on end just to take a picture and then release it if it happened to
survive the fight? Could you imagine if someone did that to a dog
or a horse or some other tamed animal? Society would lose their
shit!”
There’s been no real talk of a cull, killing sharks is something
that generally isn’t done in Hawaii, despite the fact that attacks
happen fairly frequently in our little archipelago (26 in the last
three years).
The local blend of judgmental Christianity and convenient
animism leads to many identifying sharks as their
‘aumakua, a kind of ancestral spirit animal. No one
wants a lame ‘aumakua, so it’s sharks and turtles all
around.
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Brazilian surfers to kick J-Bay off
tour?
By Chas Smith
Is it hard to blame them? Yes!
South African surf journalist Craig Jarvis
wrote a very nice piece on Stab late last night
(California time), discussing a WSL surfer meeting that took place
in France to decide if Jeffrey’s Bay should stay or go. Most,
including Mick Fanning and Julian Wilson, voted yes Jarvis wrote.
But, he continued, “…a few surfers are adamant that they won’t
return to surf J-Bay in 2016 and voted a firm negative, putting the
event in jeopardy.”
Who are these surfers? According to Jarvis, “They’re both
Brazilian, both goofyfooters, neither of them are rookies, and
neither are consistent standouts at J-Bay. One of them may or may
not have a world title.”
Yikes!
Except is it hard to blame Gabs and Jadson with the sharks and
the KFC etc?
No. It is not hard. I am blaming them because I would surf J-Bay
at 60-40 odds because I am a regular foot. But also because it is
the wave I’ve surfed more in my mind than any other so I would do
really well. Like, I would probably look a lot like Tom Curren with
gorgeously smooth drawn out lines and wrap arounds. People on the
beach would be confused and think, “Why is Tom Curren so skinny and
tall?” But then they would look toward my feet and see a gorgeous
Maurice Cole Reverse Vee and think, “Well, I guess Tom lost a lot
of weight and grew some.”
Mr. Cole…do you think we could make this happen?
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Balidawg | Photo: Defs not Jay Alvarrez
5 most influential people in surfing!
By Chas Smith
Like, this minute! Like, right now!
It is important to keep track of daily
temperature. To lick a finger, put it in the air and see which way
the wind is blowing that very second without regard to the way it
was blowing yesterday or the way it will be blowing tomorrow.
Surfers understand the importance of climate and change and how it
affects the hour. And, thus, here are the 5 most influential people
in surfing like right now!
5. Ken “Skindog” Collins: His calling out Kelly
Slater led to a whole day of Internet fun! Rory Parker did a
wonderful job encapsulating the feud from many and varied
perspectives. My favorite quote, though, came from Mahdi in the
comment section, who wrote, “Super sensitive professional surfers
feeling a type of way over-real or perceived slights is my favorite
stop on the tour.” How true.
4. Ethan Carlston: Speaking of feuds, the maybe
professional surfer (?) is relentlessly dogging his erstwhile
friend Jay Alvarrez for maybe having aids. The exact context of the
rage is difficult to pinpoint but, not to worry, Ethan penned a rap
on Instagram that goes like this:
Call me pretty poison flowin through your veins, speakin the
truth no one wants to hear, go ahead shed a tear, i do this all so
one day my brother will look in the mirror, see the monster that he
became, all fame and nothing was ever the same…what’s the
difference between peace & war? This earth is a dirty whore, she’s
got fire in her core, watchin evil lurk, I’m here to merk X
#sorryimnotsorry I’m on safari, one day dreams of pullin up like
where the fucks my rarri…
Aside from not knowing what “merk” means this rap sounds amazing
and Ken Collins would have been number four if he had written
something similar aimed at Kelly. #sorryimnotsorry.
3. Brodie Carr: After yesterday’s piece on the
geriatric hopes and dreams coming from the World Surf League
leadership (they are contemplating a new slogan even… It’s on!
Join Mick Fanning’s mom in the rec room to catch the action with
BINGO following directly!) news floated across BeachGrit’s
desk that Mr. Brodie Carr might very well be in France gathering
resources for a hostile takeover. Certainly wild speculation but
just think if the WSL was allowed to return to a younger, less
gassy place?
2. Sharks: They are going bananas, maybe
knocking J-Bay from the tour, eating their way through Hawaii and
causing mad problems at KFC in South Africa (read here!). Will surfers decide to stop
surfing in the ocean? Will Wavegarden’s stock shoot to the moon?
Will Brodie Carr, who helped hold a Red Bull event at Surf
Snowdonia’s Wavegarden, move the WSL to all wavepools? Damn sharks.
But at least the tour will be fun again.
1. Nicolas “Daz” Dazet: Daz, as he is known in
surf circles, is the man behind the strings at the world’s biggest
bankrupt surf company. So long, Dane but hello future! And do you
know what? There are big things in store for the Mountain and the
Wave. Big things. Once millions upon millions of dollars of debt
fall away along with some sizable contracts the world’s best
bankrupt surf company will soar like an eagle. Like a rock n’ roll
dog. Don’t believe me? Stay tuned!
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Blood feud: Kelly Slater vs Ken
Collins!
By Rory Parker
Did you know there was a big-wave event at Jaws and
that Danilo Couto wasn't invited? Me neither!
The very notion of the big wave world tour seems like something
dreamed up by a management type with no connection to the real
world. Scheduling is nearly impossible, a confluence of huge swell
and perfect conditions is still a rare thing, even in an age of
satellite forecasts and light speed communications.
In all but the most consistent of swells it can easily turn into
a snooze-fest, viewers quickly losing interest as competitors bob
around the lineup catching waves once an hour. Add the fact that
many big wave surfers are… unique… individuals, and you’re left
with a boondoggle of epic proportions. There’s no way to win,
something the WSL just can’t seem to figure out.
Lackluster events, a wildcard “champion” crowned after only two
comps, the disingenuous scuttling of the Punta be Lobos webcast,
nothing is working.
And with the Pe’ahi event on Maui looming, theoretically,
they’re facing another storm in a teapot.
In the WSL’s defense, the invite list is damn solid, not a
single name that doesn’t belong. You could argue Slater shouldn’t
be included, he’s not a true “big-wave surfer.” But he’s won the
Eddie, and if that doesn’t make you legit I don’t know what
does.
Still, they should have expected a ton of hurt feelings. Every
wave has its crew, they’re always gonna be bummed when you shut
down their spot so you can make money. And rightly so.
The best course would be to stick fingers in their ears, pretend
to be confused by the anger, issue a conciliatory press release,
and move forward like nothing is wrong.
The worst thing to do would be to run an ad promoting the event
which features a surfer who’s been snubbed.
Which is exactly what the WSL, or more likely, the unpaid intern
who manages the WSL’s social media account, did. A beautiful black
and white shot of Danilo Couto, winner of the 2011 XXL ride of the
year for a wave at Pe’ahi was used to pump the event, and Danilo is
not pleased.
It would seem they even tagged him in it, a brutal faux pas.
And the drama was on, with everyone from Ricky Whitlock, to
Shawn Dollar, to Shaun Walsh, to Evan Valiere, to Billy Kemper, to
Shane Dorian and King Slater himself chiming to give the
organization and Pete Mel what for.
But it was Ken “Skindog” Collins who stole the microphone:
Kelly Slater responded:
And then appeared Shane Dorian:
And Kelly, again.
There’s also some indignation regarding the fact that the WSL
didn’t go with a local crew to run the water patrol, but last night
Dave Prodan appeared to me in a dream and explained why.
He said they’ve decided to fly out the guys from France because
J-Bay taught them that near-death experiences sell.
