Jay Alvarrez Ethan Carlston

Blood Feud III: Jay Alvarez v Ethan C

Surprise final instalment!

Four weeks ago, BeachGrit reported on the blood feud between the two dazzling surf creatures, Jay Alvarez and Ethan Carlston.

Read, here…

…and here…

Both stories combed the feud’s themes of fantasy, juvenile egotism, anxiety and contempt, arrested adolescence, heterosexual activity, obscene ruthlessness, virulent sexism and a childish fantasy of power.

Compelling, in other words.

Today, the final word in the blood feud comes from a surprising source: a middle-aged bicycle enthusiast (Durianrider) from South Australia, whose YouTube channel has over 150k subscribers and over 100 million views. He has no connection to either surfer and yet shears the feud in two in a three-minute video of homespun wisdom.

To Ethan he advises:

“You’re stoned out of your mind, you’re glazed as fuck… I was a stoner when I was your age and you’re missing out on a lot, man. (Jay’s) going under your rug because you’re stoned and floundering around and he’s cutting through. He’s getting it. You sound really jealous that Jay’s banging Alexis… what  I’m going to say, mate, until you get off the bongs you’re not going to pull chicks like that.”

Three minutes of funny.

Watch here.

And you can buy Duranrider’s book Carb the Fuck Up! (Follow your heart with no fucks given) here.



Oahu: Three shark attacks in one week!

Wait, one of 'em was a ferocious eel!

Three shark attacks in the span of  a week have the island of Oahu whipped into a hysterical fervor. The shores are lined with spear-wielding locals, a fleet of fishing boats combs the coastal waters destroying everything in its wake.

Residents have joined together in one voice and made their intentions clear: the shark scourge will be wiped from existence, no longer will humanity cower in fear, reluctant to leave the safety of dry land!

Not really.

There were three attacks, kinda.

The third attack was at Waikiki, and was, according to officials, an eel. Which is kind of neat, eels aren’t usually aggressive unless provoked, so the dude basically won the animal attack lottery. Only the prize sucks, eel bites are horrific, though less severe than that of a shark.

Two unfortunate souls were hit by large tigers, one while surfing Leftovers, another while making the swim from the Mokes outside Lanikai to shore, losing one leg below the knee, and both above the ankle, respectively.

shark attack
This is what a shark attack looks like. The man, above, was swimming to shore at Lanikai, on Oahu. He was recused by a man and his kid who happened to be nearby in an outrigger canoe. “It was just, go go go,” the kid said. “My dad just kept him talking to keep his mind off the giant holes in his legs.”

The third attack was at Waikiki, and was, according to officials, an eel. Which is kind of neat, eels aren’t usually aggressive unless provoked, so the dude basically won the animal attack lottery. Only the prize sucks, eel bites are horrific, though less severe than that of a shark.

Derek talked to Laserwolf, North Shore resident, photographer extraordinaire, family man, and all around cool guy, to get his take on the situation.

“I’m surprised I haven’t been bit yet… but you can’t be mad at the sharks. It’s like a hiker who goes in the woods and then is surprised to get attacked by a bear. I don’t kill sharks. I don’t fish for them for sport and I don’t support it. Hopefully, my respect for the ocean and its inhabitants is returned until the end of my days…

“Everyone shark fishes where I come from. Everyone. All my friends I grew up with do it. I never once partook. What’s the point of dragging something around by a hook in its mouth for hours on end just to take a picture and then release it if it happened to survive the fight? Could you imagine if someone did that to a dog or a horse or some other tamed animal? Society would lose their shit!”

There’s been no real talk of a cull, killing sharks is something that generally isn’t done in Hawaii, despite the fact that attacks happen fairly frequently in our little archipelago (26 in the last three years).

The local blend of judgmental Christianity and convenient animism leads to many identifying sharks as their ‘aumakua, a kind of ancestral spirit animal.  No one wants a lame ‘aumakua, so it’s sharks and turtles all around.

Brazilian surfers to kick J-Bay off tour?

Is it hard to blame them? Yes!

South African surf journalist Craig Jarvis wrote a very nice piece on Stab late last night (California time), discussing a WSL surfer meeting that took place in France to decide if Jeffrey’s Bay should stay or go. Most, including Mick Fanning and Julian Wilson, voted yes Jarvis wrote. But, he continued, “…a few surfers are adamant that they won’t return to surf J-Bay in 2016 and voted a firm negative, putting the event in jeopardy.”

Who are these surfers? According to Jarvis, “They’re both Brazilian, both goofyfooters, neither of them are rookies, and neither are consistent standouts at J-Bay. One of them may or may not have a world title.”


Except is it hard to blame Gabs and Jadson with the sharks and the KFC etc?

No. It is not hard. I am blaming them because I would surf J-Bay at 60-40 odds because I am a regular foot. But also because it is the wave I’ve surfed more in my mind than any other so I would do really well. Like, I would probably look a lot like Tom Curren with gorgeously smooth drawn out lines and wrap arounds. People on the beach would be confused and think, “Why is Tom Curren so skinny and tall?” But then they would look toward my feet and see a gorgeous Maurice Cole Reverse Vee and think, “Well, I guess Tom lost a lot of weight and grew some.”

Mr. Cole…do you think we could make this happen?

Balidawg | Photo: Defs not Jay Alvarrez

5 most influential people in surfing!

Like, this minute! Like, right now!

It is important to keep track of daily temperature. To lick a finger, put it in the air and see which way the wind is blowing that very second without regard to the way it was blowing yesterday or the way it will be blowing tomorrow. Surfers understand the importance of climate and change and how it affects the hour. And, thus, here are the 5 most influential people in surfing like right now!

5. Ken “Skindog” Collins: His calling out Kelly Slater led to a whole day of Internet fun! Rory Parker did a wonderful job encapsulating the feud from many and varied perspectives. My favorite quote, though, came from Mahdi in the comment section, who wrote, “Super sensitive professional surfers feeling a type of way over-real or perceived slights is my favorite stop on the tour.” How true.

4. Ethan Carlston: Speaking of feuds, the maybe professional surfer (?) is relentlessly dogging his erstwhile friend Jay Alvarrez for maybe having aids. The exact context of the rage is difficult to pinpoint but, not to worry, Ethan penned a rap on Instagram that goes like this:

Call me pretty poison flowin through your veins, speakin the truth no one wants to hear, go ahead shed a tear, i do this all so one day my brother will look in the mirror, see the monster that he became, all fame and nothing was ever the same…what’s the difference between peace & war? This earth is a dirty whore, she’s got fire in her core, watchin evil lurk, I’m here to merk X #sorryimnotsorry I’m on safari, one day dreams of pullin up like where the fucks my rarri…

Aside from not knowing what “merk” means this rap sounds amazing and Ken Collins would have been number four if he had written something similar aimed at Kelly. #sorryimnotsorry.

3. Brodie Carr: After yesterday’s piece on the geriatric hopes and dreams coming from the World Surf League leadership (they are contemplating a new slogan even… It’s on! Join Mick Fanning’s mom in the rec room to catch the action with BINGO following directly!) news floated across BeachGrit’s desk that Mr. Brodie Carr might very well be in France gathering resources for a hostile takeover. Certainly wild speculation but just think if the WSL was allowed to return to a younger, less gassy place?

2. Sharks: They are going bananas, maybe knocking J-Bay from the tour, eating their way through Hawaii and causing mad problems at KFC in South Africa (read here!). Will surfers decide to stop surfing in the ocean? Will Wavegarden’s stock shoot to the moon? Will Brodie Carr, who helped hold a Red Bull event at Surf Snowdonia’s Wavegarden, move the WSL to all wavepools? Damn sharks. But at least the tour will be fun again.

1. Nicolas “Daz” Dazet: Daz, as he is known in surf circles, is the man behind the strings at the world’s biggest bankrupt surf company. So long, Dane but hello future! And do you know what? There are big things in store for the Mountain and the Wave. Big things. Once millions upon millions of dollars of debt fall away along with some sizable contracts the world’s best bankrupt surf company will soar like an eagle. Like a rock n’ roll dog. Don’t believe me? Stay tuned!


Danilo Couto

Blood feud: Kelly Slater vs Ken Collins!

Did you know there was a big-wave event at Jaws and that Danilo Couto wasn't invited? Me neither!

The very notion of the big wave world tour seems like something dreamed up by a management type with no connection to the real world. Scheduling is nearly impossible, a confluence of huge swell and perfect conditions is still a rare thing, even in an age of satellite forecasts and light speed communications.

In all but the most consistent of swells it can easily turn into a snooze-fest, viewers quickly losing interest as competitors bob around the lineup catching waves once an hour. Add the fact that many big wave surfers are… unique… individuals, and you’re left with a boondoggle of epic proportions. There’s no way to win, something the WSL just can’t seem to figure out.

Lackluster events, a wildcard “champion” crowned after only two comps, the disingenuous scuttling of the Punta be Lobos webcast, nothing is working.

And with the Pe’ahi event on Maui looming, theoretically, they’re facing another storm in a teapot.

In the WSL’s defense, the invite list is damn solid, not a single name that doesn’t belong. You could argue Slater shouldn’t be included, he’s not a true “big-wave surfer.” But he’s won the Eddie, and if that doesn’t make you legit I don’t know what does.

Still, they should have expected a ton of hurt feelings. Every wave has its crew, they’re always gonna be bummed when you shut down their spot so you can make money. And rightly so.

The best course would be to stick fingers in their ears, pretend to be confused by the anger, issue a conciliatory press release, and move forward like nothing is wrong.

The worst thing to do would be to run an ad promoting the event which features a surfer who’s been snubbed.

Which is exactly what the WSL, or more likely, the unpaid intern who manages the WSL’s social media account, did. A beautiful black and white shot of Danilo Couto, winner of the 2011 XXL ride of the year for a wave at Pe’ahi was used to pump the event, and Danilo is not pleased.

danilo insta beach grit

It would seem they even tagged him in it, a brutal faux pas.

And the drama was on, with everyone from Ricky Whitlock, to Shawn Dollar, to Shaun Walsh, to Evan Valiere, to Billy Kemper, to Shane Dorian and King Slater himself chiming to give the organization and Pete Mel what for.

But it was Ken “Skindog” Collins who stole the microphone:


Kelly Slater responded:

image1 2

And then appeared Shane Dorian:

Screen Shot 2015-10-20 at 6.03.04 am

And Kelly, again.

Screen Shot 2015-10-20 at 6.03.25 am

There’s also some indignation regarding the fact that the WSL didn’t go with a local crew to run the water patrol, but last night Dave Prodan appeared to me in a dream and explained why.

He said they’ve decided to fly out the guys from France because J-Bay taught them that near-death experiences sell.

Then we fucked.