After falling on face, wave forecasting website
issues mea culpa.
Yesterday, as first reported here, Surfline badly and
embarrassingly messed up its world title prediction.
Surfing magazine’s guru Jimmy Wilson did the rocket
science, days earlier, and had shown that the race is extremely
wide open and yet Surfline had insisted on calling it a
two man hustle.
Today, though, a new headline hangs from Surfline’s banner. It
reads:
FANNING, ADRIANO OUT; TITLE RACE NOW WIDE OPEN
“We apologize to the thousands of people who count on us for
both accurate news and surf forecasting. To be very honest, most of
the time our nerds sit in their cubicles and throw magnetic Nerf
darts at wave height numbers. The results have no bearing upon
reality. Yesterday we also threw magnetic Nerf darts at the World
Surf League brochure. A story emerged that also had no bearing on
reality. Again, we apologize. No one in the office surfs. Four of
our forecasters have never even seen the ocean. Do you want to hire
our photographers for your next party? Do you like watching snuff
film? Again, we apologize. The computers we use in the office are
Commodore 64s. Our motto ‘Know Before You Go’ was actually lifted
from the Christian Mingle dating website. Again, we apologize. Up
until yesterday we thought Julian Wilson was one-third of 1990s
super group Wilson Phillips and we thought ADS was an acronym for
the Church of Latter-Day Saints and we though Owen Wright was Owen
Wilson and we thought Filipe Toledo was a university in Ohio and we
thought Wiggolly Dantas was the airline people flew when going to
Australia. Again, we apologize.”
Their accompanying press release should have read.
El Nino is coming they say. “Too big to fail”
they say. Which means if you live in North America it is time to
steel your backbone. It is time to wax the rhino chaser. It is time
to be a man/woman.
And being a man/woman means taking it right on the head.
Yesterday, I surfed some little waves near my home and, due a very
full moon, the tide was sucked all the way out. The little waves
hit the reef and dumped and spit and woooooosh! It felt like I was
surfing a slab. I also took one on the head but it was little.
Here we see Tyler Hollmer-Cross surfing a slab and taking one on
the head too except it is big. It is called Ship Stern Bluff and it
is on Tasmania. Australians call it “Shippies” as is their want and
I read, recently, a headline on an American website with a
predilection for race baiting calling it “Shippies” too. I’ve
always had a problem with Americans using Australian diminutives.
Australians use them with an instinctual command. Americans use
them haltingly, generally to show themselves in the know, which
turns out awkwardly.
Do you have an American friend who says things like “Shippies”
“Goldie” “blowie” “breckie” “chippie” “chalkie” “footy” “freshie”
“povvo” “reffo” “maccas” “trackies” “veggo” “Brizzie?”
Tell them to stop.
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Instead of gasping and whimpering like a baby after his
terrible first half of the year (three second-lasts and a last),
Gabriel has regained control of his senses. In the last three
events he has placed third, second and first. He's looking enough
like a conquerer to win in Portugal and Pipe and, therefore, be the
architect of the one of the great title defences. | Photo:
WSL
Defending world champion crashes fist into
toothless campaign…
There are, if we’re to be realistic, three surfers who
will win the Moche Rip Curl Pro. In order, they are Kolohe
Andino (read about premonition, here), Filipe Toledo
and Gabriel Medina.
Kolohe staggered his opponents Jadson Andre (who appeared blowsy
and quarrelsome in their round two heat) and Bede
Durbidge who couldn’t speak for choking in round three.
Of the two here still in the world title race, Gabriel is the
only surfer who can put on the Pipe Masters jerkin and make a game
of it and therefore win, and defend, his world title.
Filipe has the problem of involuntary tears in biggish reef
lefts (read Filipe Toledo’s Brave Act of Cowardice
here) although, in round three against Mason Ho, he looked very
much like the best surfer in the world. The crack of his board
hitting lips sounded like splintered glass. He flung straight and
hard, contemptuous. Filipe wasn’t just going to slink past Mason.
He saw what happened to Julian Wilson in round two and played
it impatient and rough.
But, Gabriel. He has the mocking look of a conquerer.
Occasionally a baby blubbering on the ground, his terrible first
half of the year (three second-lasts and a last) has been redeemed
by his last three events: three, two, one.
Let’s do a little maths.
If Gabriel wins in Portugal, he’ll drop a 25th (remember, in the
confusing world title calculations only the best nine results of
the 11 events are counted) and zoom into first place 250 points
clear of Mick Fanning, 800 ahead of Adriano. Place second and he’s
a fingernail behind Mick and Adriano in third place.
Filipe, of course, is throbbing and growing every second.
Whatever happens he drops a 25th, too. If he wins he moves into
second, only 200 points behind Mick.
You wanted a Pipe showdown? It’s coming.
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 2
Results:
Heat 8: C.J Hobgood (USA) 12.43 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 6.17
Heat 9: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 12.00 def. Adam Melling (AUS) 7.70
Heat 10: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 11.90 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
9.43
Heat 11: Kolohe Andino (USA) 14.43 def. Jadson Andre (BRA) 9.47
Heat 12: Michel Bourez (PYF) 11.17 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 10.83
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 3
Results:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.70 def. Mason Ho (HAW) 2.76
Heat 2: Kolohe Andino (USA) 13.06 def. Bede Durbidge (AUS)
10.43
Heat 3: Brett Simpson (USA) 13.54 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 8.06
Heat 4: Nat Young (USA) 16.67 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 13.17
Heat 5: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.00 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
14.60
Heat 6: Frederico Morais (PRT) 16.03 def. Mick Fanning (AUS)
14.40
Heat 7: Vasco Ribeiro (PRT) 14.36 def. Adriano De Souza (BRA)
11.80
Heat 8: Keanu Asing (HAW) 13.43 def. John John Florence (HAW)
13.16
Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 17.26 def. C.J Hobgood (USA) 12.47
Heat 10: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.17 def. Ricardo Christie (NZL)
12.84
Heat 11: Michel Bourez (PYF) 13.17 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.10
Heat 12: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 17.67 def. Caio Ibelli (BRA)
15.87
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 4
Results:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 19.00, Kolohe Andino (USA) 18.00, Brett
Simpson (USA) 17.57
Heat 2: Frederico Morais (PRT) 14.96, Nat Young (USA) 14.50, Joel
Parkinson (AUS) 7.43
Remaining Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 4 Match-Ups:
Heat 3: Vasco Ribeiro (PRT), Keanu Asing (HAW), Jeremy Flores
(FRA)
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Michel Bourez (PYF), Gabriel Medina
(BRA)
Grand, if sexually explicit, surf forecasting site
says, "Only two can win world title..." even though four can!
Sometimes, I go to the beach and
Surfline, a grand yet notoriously kinky website, says it is 3-4 ft. but it is
really 0-1 ft. Sometimes, the world title race is wide open but
Surfline says it has come down to only two people.
Embarrassing? Why yes, thank you!
This whole business unfolded a bit earlier in the day when
Surfline tweeted about how there were only two people left
in contention for the crown. Adriano d. Souza and Owen Wright.
Surfing‘s Jimmicane, a gentleman and math scholar, took to
the airwaves to correct the mistake, writing, “Contrary to what
Surfline is reporting, the World Title Race is wide open.
Owen, Julian, Gabriel and Filipe all still in the hunt.”
Surfline sniped back from its high but sexually
perverse perch, “Not according to the WSL.”
Oops!
Remember when the WSL (then ASP) said that Kelly Slater had won
the title but hadn’t? Well this year’s version has both
Surfline and professional surfing’s governing body ruling
out two extra surfers. Racist? Possibly, though narrow-minded
xenophobia is generally a trait of rival site The Inertia.
Geriatric? It seems more likely. Did you know having sexual
fantasies about making love to older people is called
“gerontophilia?”
Here are, thanks to Jimmy Wilson, the proper scenarios:
With two events remaining — Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal and
Billabong Pipeline Masters — here are the 2015 WSL Men’s World
Title scenarios.
-Seven surfers are in mathematical contention to win the 2015
World Title going into Portugal.
-Kelly is an extreme long-shot. He would have to win Portugal and
Pipe, while also hoping Mick and Adriano don’t place higher than
13th in either event.
-If Mick wins Portugal, Adriano needs to finish 9th or better to
send the World Title race to Pipe. Everyone else will be
hopeless.
-If Mick gets 2nd in Portugal, Owen will need a 3rd or higher to
stay in contention for Pipe. Julian, Gabriel and Filipe will need a
2nd or better.
-If Mick gets 3rd in Portugal, Owen will need a 5th or higher to
stay in contention. Julian, Gabriel and Filipe will need a 3rd or
better.
-If Mick gets 5th in Portugal, Owen will need a 9th or higher to
stay in contention. Julian, Gabriel and Filipe will need a 5th or
better.
-If Mick gets 9th in Portugal, Owen, Julian, Gabriel and Filipe
will need a 9th or better to stay in contention.
-If Adriano wins in Portugal, Owen will need to finish 2nd to
stay in contention at Pipe. Julian, Gabriel and Filipe would be
eliminated.
-If Adriano gets 2nd in Portugal, Owen, Julian and Filipe will need
a 3rd or higher to stay in contention. Gabriel will need a 2nd or
1st.
-If Adriano gets 3rd in Portugal, Owen, Julian and Filipe will need
a 5th or higher to stay in contention. Gabriel will need a 3rd or
better.
-If Adriano gets 5th in Portugal, Owen, Julian and Filipe will need
a 9th or higher to stay in contention. Gabriel will need a 5th or
better.
-If Adriano gets 9th in Portugal, Owen will still be in contention
for Pipe. Julian, Gabriel and Filipe will need a 9th or better to
stay alive for Pipe.
Fanning, Slater, Adriano buried. Meanwhile, Kolohe
Andino continues to soar!
Ricardinho Toledo is certainly packing on the pounds,
huh? I’ve been watching the guy inflate all season,
at this rate they’ll be able to roll him down the beach by next
year.
His kid took out Mason Ho with a surplus of points.
I’m so sick of hearing the talking heads try to convince us the
waves are good. Sure, by El Porto standards. But I want to
see the best surf well, not suffer through some tedious wave
catching contests.
Why did Slater have one of those shitty plastic skateboards in
his locker? Which, I noticed, are made from particle board. Way to
cut corners, WSL!
The Portuguese Wave Series is an interesting idea. Like the
Triple Crown, only the wave suck and no one cares who wins.
Slater’s performance is pretty much guaranteeing we’ll see him
on tour next year. I don’t believe the most competitive man on
Earth is willing to retire on a low note.
Whichever judge gave Nat Young a 9.5 for three lackluster
backside turns needs to have his fucking eyes examined.
It’s ironic that ADS got knocked out by a wildcard with even
worse style. Not, like, O. Henry level, more like rain on your
wedding day.
JJ should’ve won his heat, but I like Keanu Asing, so I’m not
too upset about it.
I certainly hope no one picked their Fantasy team based on my
recommendations. Everyone but Flores is out by round three.
Oof.
Speaking of Flores, Frenchy’s on a tear, huh? Don’t really
know how that last wave was a 9.43, but whatever.
Meanwhile, Kolohe Andino continues to soar, and as predicted
(here).
