Quiksilver Pro wildcard Dane Reynolds to give prizemoney to charity. But who? Nation of Islam? PETA?
@Sealtooth dropped some interesting info today. Dane snagged yet another wildcard spot, he’ll be heading to the Quiksilver Pro in France, maybe killing it, probably making it a few rounds then fizzling.
He’ll break my heart once again and leave me screaming at the webcast as I watch my Fantasy Surfer ranking plummet.
It’s interesting how the rebirth of his competitive drive has coincided with the arrival of his little one. I get it, babies are the worst, I’d taking every chance to bounce as well.
Or maybe he’s carting the thing along with him. In that case, shame on you Mr Reynolds!
There’s a special place in hell reserved for those who bring infants on international flights. Hours and hours of screaming and pooping and screaming inflicted on the poor souls around you! It’s inhumane.
Dane also announced that he’ll be kicking down whatever scrilla he reaps from the ordeal, which is pretty cool. He’s even asking for suggestions as to which group he should bless with what amounts to his appearance fee.
Because I tend to interpret blanket requests as personal invitations, and because Derek clued me into the instagram post and asked me to write something about it, here are my suggestions.
PETA’s awesome. Doing the dirty work, taking the blame, ignoring the legions of morons who explode with indignation whenever the organization gets a mention. It’s on the shortlist on groups that have actually wrested some money from my tight fist, along with NPR and the ACLU.
Because petakillsanimals.com invariably gets mentioned, I’m gonna head y’all off at the pass and point out that it is run by the Center for Consumer Freedom, a lobbyist group that spreads disinformation on behalf of the fast food, meat, alcohol, and tobacco industries. If you buy their bullshit you’re nothing but an empty headed chump.
A Randian non-profit, has irony ever been so delicious? Not that Ayn was anti-charity, kind-of-ambivalent seems a better descriptor.
“There is nothing wrong in helping other people, if and when they are worthy of the help and you can afford to help them. I regard charity as a marginal issue. What I am fighting is the idea that charity is a moral duty and a primary virtue.”
Such a beautifully ugly philosophy.
Derek pointed out that Dane’s profile picture features a picture of a strong black man being strangled by an oppressive white hand. How to interpret that? Is Dane a secret racist, using babies and surfboards and adorable bulldogs to slyly disseminate his racist propaganda?
Does he stand strong with his black brothers by illuminating the racial hegemony pervasive in the American system?
Is he merely a fan of Doug E Doug’s contribution to what may be the best ensemble cast ever assembled for a movie about bobsledding?
Whatever the case, be it to publicly make amends or support the movement, the NOI is the place to be.
Rory’s Super Duper Surf Crusade Against Brainwashing and Other Forms of Insidious Indoctrination
RSDSCABOFOI for short.
There’s no shortage of Christian missionary outreach organizations soliciting money to finance surf trips to the deepest darkest, spreading their faith to people who’ve got along just fine without it, maybe picking up some trash along the way.
With Dane’s help I’ll be able to spread the glory of fornication, intoxication, and deviation to the poor boys and girls raised in a system that denies them the joys of humanity.
What RSDSCABOFOI does is reach out to those reaching out, providing a passionate counterpoint by which poor deluded souls may evaluate their own outdated, ineffective, and imaginary ideology.
With Dane’s help I’ll be able to spread the glory of fornication, intoxication, and deviation to the poor boys and girls raised in a system that denies them the joys of humanity.
My extensive program of alternative indoctrination, built around a heavy consumption of illicit substances and sexual experimentation, will assist in converting an entire generation of devout young men and women to my personal brand of solipsistic nihilism.
Because existence is meaningless, no one is keeping score, and there is no reality but your own. The moment you become a corpse you may as well have never existed, so you better live for now, because the future doesn’t really exist.
The white guy in Dane’s photo is Erve Blitzer (John Candy) choking Derice Bannock from Cool Runnings. Give it to Bernie.
The NRA will probably need some funds for their latest PR campaign after today’s events in Oregon.
NPR has broken me too. The program interuptions brought me to my knees.
Oaktree Capital Management Quiksilver Rehabilitation Fund
Put it in the bank ya doh decka. Quik cheques will burn quick
Rumor is the winner of the quik pro will get $100 gift card (quik.com) & baguette. ….
Gotta be Nation of Islam.
btw, did Louie Samuels hit that latest Powr Rankings into the bleachers or what.
Rory you know PETA wants to jam your speargun up your japseye?
I think I prefer Longtom, crueler, but less snarky.
I don’t think it matters if they like what I do. I like what they do.
I also think Samuels is too good for surfing.
Samuels IS too good for surfing. He’s also way too obsessed with surfing to ever move beyond it, like many, many other notables who’ve written from the City by the Bay.
Yeah, true. I know you like to kill fish, I like to kill fish too. PETA wants to string up and dismember people who kill fish.
Thats a slight ethical dilemma for the modern urban hunter-gatherer.
Aa for Louie, he’s got the surf writers curse.
When you look at the damage commercial fishing does, the garbage H&L guys leave behind, and the reef-rape photos certain of my fellow spearos love to post online it’s hard to argue that PETA is wrong.
I’ll concede the moral high ground to vegans. They’re probably right, though it’s not going to change my actions.
I reckon he should give it to the bds movement … a campaign of boycotts, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israel until it complies with international law and Palestinian rights. Sting those Stab cunts!
When ever I see a baby on a flight I pretty much shoot some daggers at the parents right away to let them know I have very little tolerance for their child, and if it kicks off, I kick off! That aside I like the fact he is in, gives us something to watch as KS is out
I have taken great pleasure pointing out to people like yourself that if they don’t like dealing with other humans they should pay the extra to be in first class.
agree! Wah, I have to sit with your kid. Wah.
Why should I pay extra because you are one of the few that has decided to bring your kid which no one else on the flight has a personal attachment too on the plane? Shame on you
You’ll have triplets.
Your daggers are like blunt butter knives to me That Guy. When I can afford a nanny/model the kids will stay home, until then suck it up baby.
Why should the majority suffer for the few. Give that kid some phenergan and let me get my flight in peace
You reproduced. Here is a Cookie. Now fucking stay home until that thing is grown. If you can’t afford a Nanny you can’t afford a trip. There is no reason the rest of us should suffer because you dumped some spooge in a moist hole.