Hollywood generally gets the surf thang wrong,
(Am I right Sam George?). Blue Crush, In God’s
Hands, The Perfect Wave, etc., etc., etc. all fall
flat in one way or anoth and we leave the cineplex feeling so sad.
Why can’t you just get me, H-Wood? Why can’t you put something on
screen that replicates what it’s like to sacrifice all for
the…the…the…stoke?
Thankfully, we have South Africa. The new film, Die
Pro, has a name as awesome as its message. From what I can
tell (I don’t speak Afrikaans and Dam Fahrenfort is too busy owning
Venice to help!) it involves chasing the dream, being scouted,
paddle-outs, overcoming adversity, big bucks, winning sponsorships,
winning, murdering WSL surfers in cold blood while screaming “DIE
PRO!”
Watch the trailer here and beg BEG the producers to bring it to
America.
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My Balls are Killing Me!
By Rory Parker
Do yours? If so, I might have a cure!
The trade winds are howling, a mixed blessing if there
ever was one. The ocean is ripped to shreds, no diving,
kind of okay storm surf, albeit bumpy and swirly and a whole lot of
effort compared to the reward.
But the temp has dropped what feels like thirty degrees, a
blessed relief after months of no wind, absurd humidity, and record
high temperatures.
Which was torture, I spent the majority of our heat wave on the
injury list, a gross as hell catheter running from the crook of my
elbow into my heart, dumping in lifesaving meds but preventing me
from ever cooling down. Even a cold shower doesn’t do much when
you’re wearing a shoulder length plastic glove that looks like it
was stolen from the set of some terrible horse vet themed porno
flick. When the doc finally yanked my catheter it looked like a
magic trick, he kept pulling and pulling, it kept on coming.
“That’s the longest thing that’s ever been inside me,” I
said.
“That’s probably a good thing,” was my doc’s reply.
I guess it really depends which way you swing, huh?
It turns out that a common side effect of Vancomycin, the goop I
was twice daily pumping into my bloodstream via a clever spring
loaded medical device, is a weakened immune system. Towards the end
of treatment my white blood cell count was hovering in the end
stage chemotherapy range, forcing me to limit my already infrequent
contact with fellow humans, so as to avoid picking up a terrible
bug from some typhoid Mary hacking his guts out while he makes a
sandwich because he doesn’t get sick days without a doctor’s
note.
I once sneaked into my manager’s office while being forced to
work with the flu and spit on her phone, door knob, and into an
open can of soda. She was out sick for three days while I robbed
the place blind. Ha! Showed her.
How fucked is that, by the way? I’ve had numerous
employers (and I mean numerous, I’ve been fired from dozens of
jobs) refuse sick leave without paying a doctor to write me a note.
Which I couldn’t afford, so I’d head to work and wring a little joy
from spreading my disease.
I once sneaked into my manager’s office while being forced to
work with the flu and spit on her phone, door knob, and into an
open can of soda. She was out sick for three days while I robbed
the place blind. Ha! Showed her.
The upshot of my sickly status, combined with weeks of sweating
like a tweaker at a rave while never being able to get truly clean,
was that I picked up a nasty case of jock itch, something I’d never
experienced.
And, inshallah, never will again. One minute I was
pouring sweat from my pores into my filthy couch, the next my balls
and taint were itchy burning like I’d tea-bagged an anthill.
Fucking miserable.
Over the counter remedies didn’t work, a trip to the doctor led
to a humiliating conversation.
“Have you been showering? Jock itch is usually caused by poor
hygiene.”
“Dude, my dick is the cleanest part of my body. I’ve been spit
polishing the thing a couple times a day since I was eleven years
old.”
Pissing on your own testicles is more difficult than you’d
think. Twisting your dick around, cupping your taint to make sure
urine gets spread everywhere, your wife joining you in the shower
and asking why it smells.
A little internet digging turned up the fact that jock itch is
basically athlete’s foot, something with which I’m familiar. I
spent my younger years playing waterpolo and swimming
competitively, your feet never truly dry, athlete’s foot is a
constant problem. Unless you pee on your feet every morning, that
does a great job of preventing it.
Pissing on your own testicles is more difficult than you’d
think. Twisting your dick around, cupping your taint to make sure
urine gets spread everywhere, your wife joining you in the shower
and asking why it smells.
“Because I just peed all over my balls, dear.”
In a few days my own home spun treatment achieved what weeks of
powders and sprays could not, and I was good to go. Free to start
banging my wife again too, since jock itch is mildly contagious and
it wasn’t fair to share the wealth.
But now the trades are back, everything is cool, and, I’ll
hopefully never again experience that awful chafing itching burning
hell that was my life.
Unfortunately, the return of the trades has also caused the
cancellation of the Na Wahine O Ke Kai, the all female
Molokai to Oahu outrigger canoe race in which my awesome waterwoman
stepmother had planned to once again compete.
Real bummer, tons of ladies from around the world are on
Molokai, now forced to find alternate routes to Oahu, being
extorted by Hawaiian Airlines for last-minute, inter-island
flights.
And now, to add insult to injury, on top of wasted money and
huge logistical hassles and the emotional dump which comes with
prepping hard for a challenge only to have the rugged yanked out
from you last minute, they’ve gotta deal with me segueing into the
news of the cancellation via a story about my itchy balls.
If Pangloss is right, and this is the best of all possible
worlds, well, that’s pretty well fucked, isn’t it?
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Movie: Red Bull Unleashed (Full-Edit)
By Derek Rielly
New cut of wavepool event paints slightly more
impressive picture…
When Albee Layer won the Red Bull wavepool event in
Wales a week ago, the press was thrown a short edit of the
event.
The 56-second cut didn’t do the contest any favours. A carnival
of B-grade jibbers transposed to the cold river water of a tank in
the unchanging hills of the Conwy Valley in North Wales. And it was
responsible, I’m sure, for the blizzard of criticism that
followed.
Was it really like a “bad one-star QS?” (Read here.)
This three-and-a-half-minute edit is better and, sure, it ain’t
Tahiti and never will be, but it holds the imagination a little
more, shows the stir and colour of a contest that looked like it
boiled with fun.
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Big-Wave Surfer Attacked at Cloud 9
event!
By Derek Rielly
Locals with bats want blood at Siargao Cloud 9
Surfing Cup…
Brent Symes is a 36-year-old Australian who is
kinky, in a very large way, for big waves. Wants to be
invited onto the WSL big-wave tour.
Puerto is his go-to joint and, this year, he flew into the
Billabong XXL Awards running with a no-hands tub. Watch here.
Brent likes the regular WQS, too, just ’cause it keeps his name
out there. Which is why he was at the Siargao Cloud Nine Surfing
Cup, a QS1500 $US50,000 event last week.
But his trip to this isolated, and usually flat island (I went
there in the nineties and there hadn’t been a wave over
two feet for three months), was spectacularly abbreviated when he
was attacked by four locals with various third world weapons in the
shorebreak during the final of the locals trials event.
Or, as the police report recorded it, “allegedly mauled with
broken bottle and log by more less four persons.”
Gold Coast surfing magazine Surfing Life (which I
edited years back, hello alma mater!) ran a piece that interviewed
“well-known and respected local Dencio Dizon” who said Symes, “got
what he deserved. Or in my opinion, he got lucky, because he
probably deserved more after hearing of his reputation. This same
guy was also here last year, and he got disqualified after two
interferences in his heat.”
The reason? Dizon says Symes wouldn’t get out of the water
during the final of the locals trials final.
And so he had to die.
But a murderous attack in response to someone surfing through a
contest is actually no one’s fault, says Surfing Life,
least of all the simple island people.
“No matter what, it’s never cool to beat someone up. But as
human beings, and surfers, we also have to remember how important
it is to show respect,” it advised sagely.
Cultural relativism! Natives can’t help ’emselves!
The Philippines is fucking gnarly at the best of times.
Restaurant signs tell patrons to leave their guns at the door. If
you want further reminder, three tourists and a local were
kidnapped from their resort a few days ago, likely by by the Al
Qaida-linked Islamic gang Abu Sayyaf.
I’d heard about the attack via a couple of pals on Facebook.
One, the surf guide and artist, Phil Goodrich wrote: “Brent Symes
aka “Red Dog”. Such a legend. I spent a month at HT’s with
him. Classic Aussie charger. Straight talker, he put on
one-man-shows every day on land and charged like a maniac in the
water. I can promise you he would give an excellent
interview…”
He wasn’t wrong.
Brent, who has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, bounces back and
forth between a childhood spent in poverty, his brother Darren who
ghost-shapes for Simon Anderson and Pyzel, a little bro Kyle who
was a junior series ripper, and his own pro surfing childhood
competing against, and sometimes beating, Joel Parkinson and Dean
Morrison.
While we’re talking (Facebook Phone Call) the big-wave surfer
and champion paddler Jamie Mitchell apparently texts: “Are you
alright?”
Brent’s version of the attack goes something like this. He was
hanging out in the Boardwalk restaurant that fronts Cloud Nine. At
one point, he noticed there were only a few guys out. No contest.
Maybe a gap between semis and the final. So Brent and two others
paddle out. The other guys get a set and go in. He’s out there, is
too deep for a bomb, and the ocean goes flat. There’s a 20-minute
lull.
Then the four surfers in the trials final paddle out. Brent says
one of the finalists, Phimar Alipayo, says he can stay out and
watch. But Brent says he ain’t going to get fried watching it from
the water.
“I’ve got fair skin, red hair and no sunscreen… I’m out of
here,” he says. “But I knew the final wasn’t going to start for
five minutes. So I could catch a wave in.”
Brent says he caught a wave, pulled off, there was a set behind,
duckdived one and got the next. Says he rode it all the way to the
inside, did a big reverse, “went backwards for ages, didn’t spin it
around, and fell off onto the reef.”
Says he was nowhere near the contest.
Then he turns around and “there’s five dudes with weapons.
Knives, a fucking sawn-off bamboo. I thought, fuck, I wonder where
they’re going? Guys with knives and bats? What are they going to
do? Then I saw ’em heading straight for me. Is this for real? I
didn’t run off or anything. Fuck it, I’m going to have to fight
these dudes. They want me and they were screaming out to me, ‘I
remember you from last year! You got two interferences! I remember
you! I’m going to kill you!’
Oh, quick little interruption. Brent surfed in the contest last
year and got a couple of interferences in his heat. He was surfing
with a hyped contest kid, an Australian, and told him, ’cause of
the small takeoff, let’s take turns. Kid got one, paddled out, and
took the next. Brent said, fuck it, I’m going anyway.
The story continues:
“Then they come at me. The first swung the bat. I put my board
up, blocked it. It was easy, pretty long bats, really thick, gnarly
bats, and it took ’em ages to swing ’em with their little arms. As
they pulled back for a second swing, I grabbed it. I train twice a
week Muy Thai. I threw the bat into the water and he ran back into
shore. He ran off. He knew he had no chance. I actually had an
elbow ready to come down on his head, to open up his whole face. He
was a sitting duck. It was like me going to play tee-ball.
He ran off. He knew he had no chance. I actually had an elbow
ready to come down on his head, to open up his whole face. He was a
sitting duck. It was like me going to play tee-ball.
“When I had the bat, I was thinking of killing him. I was going
to kill him. I just refrained. I threw the bat into the water and I
didn’t lay the elbow.
“The next guys swings… bang… there’s little holes all
over the reef, deep opening, and I lose my footing. The third guy
grabs my board. Another two guys come with bats, onto me, that’s
when I started blocking everything.
“So, then, I easily got rid of them too. They were scared,
another guy ran off. I got his bat as well. Then it was down to one
dude with a knife and a baton. I said to him, put the knife down,
keep the baton, come to me and we’ll talk, we’ll try and solve
this, this is a misunderstanding!”
Brent says the conversation went like this.
“No! You’l kill me if I come close to you!”
“No! I want to make friends! Let’s sort this out!”
“No! You’l kill me! You’ll kill me!”
“Keep the bat, put the knife down… “
“And then he wouldn’t the knife or bat down so I had to keep
walking at him. He was getting scared, backing back, backing
back.”
By now, Brent figured he’d better swim out into the ocean rather
than face 300 people “telling me it was my bad.”
Brent eventually comes in, feels like he’s going to be murdered
so he locks himself into his room.
“The police said don’t go on the road to (nearest town) General
Luna. You’ll get ambushed.”
The police chief comes to see him, says Brent, tells him he’s
going to charge the attackers with attempted murder. Brent
says the chief then takes him to the mayor at his country club in
General Luna to explain what’s happened.
Anyway, let’s cut this a little.
Brent gets his security guaranteed and splits the island back to
Cebu, and then to Bali, where your ol pal DR lights up his Facebook
chat line.
Will he ever go back to Cloud 9?
“Not that at this stage, no,” he says, perhaps with a little
understatement.
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Great Unfinished Surf Novel:
Literature!
By Chas Smith
One Day in the Life of John Dennis (part III)
8:45 Is whenever I’m with you.
The Dennis home is cute as. The only house on the block painted
grey, today like the sky, it sits back from the street hibiscus
bushes planted in front and a basket/backboard nailed to the
telephone pole. The rim sags and is netless. His dad painted
the house and he painted some too. It is a single story
postwar home featuring a corrugated tin roof and wood framed
windows without shades. He lives here, when he is here, with
older sister who is a primary school teacher, mum, younger sister
who is a professional surfer too, and dad. His ex-filmer, Les lives
next door and his other best friend lives a couple houses up the
street.
He pulls his car onto the ribbon driveway. There is a grey
bungalow in the back, at the far end of the yard, where he sleeps,
along with his filmer Pat. “I’m a twenty five year old man who
sleeps in a bunk bed…” he says. Pat isn’t inside the room
editing the clips from South Australia and Bali so he passes
under the clothesline, around the empty hammock frame, goes into
the main house to check the winds on the internet. There will be a
surf today f’sure. He walks through the room featuring a day bed
and that Magna Carta puzzle framed in gold, down the hallway, past
his sisters’ rooms, and into the kitchen. His sister is there
drinking coffee and gives him a kind smirk. It is school holidays.
She is tall and lean with red hair that falls past her shoulders in
wavy waves. His mom is cleaning the counter. She is not tall. And
Pat is sitting at the kitchen table checking his email. Next to
Pat on the floor, is his yellow singlet from the
Quiksilver Pro. He was a wildcard in the event and it is framed
except not in gold but rather black.
Pat looks up and nods his head. Blonde hair falls right above
his eyes. He is of medium height, medium weight. Handsome but not
memorable. “You wanna go oot and get some breakfast?” He is from
Canada. Toronto. “Yeah, yeah. Ah’m down. We’re just gonna go eat,
mum…” he says.
He goes himself to the kitchen table and there is a
handwritten note from his dad sitting next to a stack of Moda
stickers. Moda is his tailpatch/leash sponsor. The note has a
circled 1, 2 and 3. Circle three has three sub-points.
1st, 2nd and 3rd. His dad
leaves him to-do notes every day, when he is home. Circle 1 on
today’s list is, “Close ANZ cards. Get a print out of June’s
details and July details.” He chuckles about it with Pat
before his sister says, “It’s really nice of him to do.” “Ah know.
Ah know,” he responds “Ah need it. It’s just funny.”
Moving over to the computer, he logs on to windguru.com.
The font is set to large, or something. It sort of warps
everything. He tells Pat over his shoulder, “It’s probably going to
be fun somewhere.” Pat asks which way the winds are blowing.
“Straight offshore.” There is a walnut cabinet next to the computer
chair filled with family pictures. Parents, grandparents, kids,
cousins. His dad usually leaves for work at 4.30 am. Two
nights ago he and Pat came home from a biggish night as he was
leaving for work. He felt guilty.
9:00 He loves eggs benedict.
He and Pat walk out to the Dae Woo and drive towards
Goldberg’s. Famous for breakfast. The edge to the blanket of
overcast is tantalizingly close but still over Newcastle. Still in
the distance somewhere south. Pat has pulled a black and white
stripped beanie over his blonde and tells him that this cloud
cover is going to sit over his head all day. “No it won’t…” he
says. “Ah’ll drive to Sydney.”
Even though it is school holidays and Friday the roads aren’t
full. It takes exactly four minutes from driveway to car park
across the road from Goldberg’s. The sign is gold and bubbly
cursive. The sun breaks through the second before they reach the
door. Blanket pulled back and he lets out a large sigh, turns
his face and lets the light swallow him. The streets look
different. Everything looks different. Glorious possibilities
instead of numbing depression. And breakfast? “Ahhhhh.”
Inside the walls are dark green, the ceiling is red and a large
brass chandelier hangs low. It is dark. Ambient. All the wood,
tables, chairs, bar, is dark. He and Pat are seated directly
near the door. It is full but not packed. Buzzing with low level
and certainly banal conversation. A Korean girl in the corner is
eating poached eggs and tomatoes and is using her knife and fork
like an Australian. Pushing food with the knife onto the back of
the fork then putting it into her mouth. She wears a touch of lip
gloss and her hair is black and straight.
He doesn’t need the menu. He has been thinking about eggs
benedict with ham as soon as he saw Les’s description was not
altogether accurate. The waitress comes with the menu anyhow and
leaves. Pat asks him, “What’s good here, man?” He answers,
“Everything. The eggs benedict.” Then he says, “It’s gonna be a
good day today. I’m feelin’ it. That sun is telling me. What are
you thinkin?” Pat, staring holes through the menu, tells him he’s
not sure and he helps. “The eggs benedict with the ham.” Pat,
distracted, looks at a neighboring table. “I wonder what they got?”
The waitress returns and he says, “Hi. Can I get a latte, and can I
please get the eggs benedict? With ham?” Pat orders it as well
except he gets a flat white instead of a latte.
He leans back, folds his arms still encased in camel cable
knit jumper and casts a casual glance over his left shoulder.
Sitting close is an attractive woman. “That chick behind me is
fine,” he tells Pat. Pat waits for her to turn around. She speaks
using her hands.
Pat picks up a section of the newspaper and asks him aboot Rugby
League. Does he follow? “I don’t know if you could live near here
and not be into rugby. Lots of the guys live around. They go to
that club Fanny’s. You know that one?” he says.
Pat asks him how in the world he can like Vegemite. “Ahh it’s
all about the butter. You need to spread it real thin with heaps of
butter.” he says. Pat tells him he just can’t get away from the
Nutella.
Eggs benedicts comes hot and tempting. Laid on the table with
care. Hollandaise sauce the color of fresh sunshine outside. Egg
yolks too. Both dig in and eat like Americans. Just fork no knife.
Cutting with the edge and not eating piggishly but certainly
hungrily. Breakfast is so good! They drink their respective
versions of the same coffee, eat, eat without speaking.
When half finished “ding ding” the iPhone sings. He answers.
It’s Hoyo. “Yo what’s happenin’. Just uhh finished breakies. Yeah.
Nahh. Where are you? At home? I’m gonna go surfing somewhere.
Late.” He tells Patt, “Hoyo rang me to tell me I’m blowing it right
now. It’s firing in Forster.” Forster is roughly two hours north of
Newcastle.
He sneaks to the cashier while Matt is in the bathroom. And Pat
wouldn’t have protested anyhow. He pays for everything without
holding the slightest grudge. Generous to a fault, if such a thing
truly exists. The cashier, a mid-twenties girl slightly portly
smiles at him. His black beanie is pushed far back his forehead.
and beautiful hair falls.
Exiting it seems as if all hint of cloud has gone. The air
smells wet and there are puddles, which throw shards of light every
which way, but otherwise there is not hint of bad weather. Of the
misfortunes that have betrayed Newcastle for who knows how long and
he and Pat since Bali. They climb into the Dae Woo.
He turns up the stereo. Alive.