Three different surf scenarios involving kooks, kids and junkie shitbags that beg your opinion…
I learned a cool new term today, engagement marketing. It’s, essentially, when a company tricks consumers into believing they’re contributors. Make ’em feel like they’re part of the brand, more than just a potential source of revenue.
Pretty clever, if you can make it work.
Why spend effort, or money, on something you can convince people to do for free?
I mean, yeah, in the end you probably get what you pay for, but, luckily, the bar is set ever lower as more and more people embrace the crowdsourcing movement.
It’s something we at BeachGrit stumbled onto more or less accidentally. Somehow ended up with a nice little community of commenters, most of whom have at least half a brain rattling around inside their respective skulls. Which, in the context of the internet, is pretty damn impressive. We’re turning into some sort of misanthropic aquatic Algonquin Round Table. I get a real kick out of it.
So I was thinking, rather than write something, which is kind of difficult, I’ll just pose some open ended questions to y’all, which is easy. This way you’re not just commenting on an article, you are the article.
Truly engaged! And, no, we will not be paying anyone.
Maybe it’ll fall flat and everyone will just tear me to shreds. No big deal, I can pretend it never happened. In a few days it’ll get pushed off the front page, and everyone will forget about it. Which is a beautiful thing when you do poorly, though I’ll admit it kind of sucks on that rare occassion you think you’ve done well.
Here’s the first installment of What Would You Do? If it works you’ll see more. If it doesn’t, oh well, I’ll have to keep digging through my many notebooks of “ideas,” which mainly consist of grocery lists I forgot to bring to the store and cryptically illegible notes I wrote while under the influence of some sort of intoxicant.
Scenario #1
It’s an amazingly fun, ultra-consistent, head high day at your local spot. Only a few guys out, one of those times everyone is having a blast, fallen into a perfect rotation. Taking turns, hooting for each other, getting to actually live the lie that is a beginner’s notion of the sport.
You surface to him losing his shit. “You fucking kook, that was assault! I’m gonna call the cops! If my board’s dinged you have to pay for it!”
Out paddles a total stranger. He makes a beeline for the peak, gives you full-on eye contact, turns and burns you from arm’s reach on the first wave that rolls through. Falls in front of you on the drop, makes you to tangle up and share a mellow little drubbing.
You surface to him losing his shit. “You fucking kook, that was assault! I’m gonna call the cops! If my board’s dinged you have to pay for it!”
You ignore the guy, reel in your board and paddle back out. He follows, continuing to scream.
What would you do?
Scenario #2
It’s Saturday morning and you’re about to leave the house for your kid’s soccer game when a friend texts you a photo of your local spot just completely going off. Next message reads, “Get here now. Best I’ve ever seen.”
You only signed him up because the school counselor said a team sport might help alleviate some of his “behavorial issues.” It’s not working though, he’s still a little prick.
Your kid is terrible at soccer, hates the game, doesn’t really care if you go. Would rather not attend himself. You only signed him up because the school counselor said a team sport might help alleviate some of his “behavorial issues.” It’s not working though, he’s still a little prick.
But today it’s your turn to bring the orange wedges and Hi-C. If you no-show you’ll catch a ton of shit from all the try-hard parents at the next practice.
What would you do?
Scenario #3
Your junkie shit-bag neighbor steals all the boards from under your house. You call the cops to report it, but they don’t give a shit and refuse to do anything.
Your junkie shit-bag neighbor steals all the boards from under your house. You call the cops to report it, but they don’t give a shit and refuse to do anything.
A month later you’re driving through town when you see one of the missing boards for sale outside a local shop. You pull over, go inside, and tell the manager. He calls you a liar. Swears he knows, for a fact, the board isn’t stolen. Accuses you of being a scammer. Things get heated, he orders you to leave the store.
What would you do?
1. Say to him in a cool, calm and collected manner “So, I’ve never seen you here before, you paddle straight past everyone, blatantly burn me on the first wave that comes through but you can’t even make the drop on a three foot wave. You’re calling me a kook, wow. Chill the fuck out and stop killing the vibe you geek” Sarcastically cheer him on for the rest of the session every time he bogs or blows a take off.. “Fuck, you need to be on tour. You’re ripping cunt!”
2. I would blaze up a massive joint on the way to the match and then happily spend the full 90 minutes looking at my phone. Take my boy for a a hell feed after the match, go back home for a little siesta and then surf the evening glass off. Everyone’s a winner!
3. Tell him that I’m not a liar or a scammer, I’m a high roller. Tell him that I understand why he is bitter because he has no chance of becoming a high roller if managing a surf shop is his main source of income. That he’ll probably be out of a job soon due to the fact that Surfstitch is running every motherfucker out of business. If he wants to go on to have a successful career in another sector then he needs to change is approach to dealing with people as today his performance has been fucking shocking. After giving this guy the lecture go back to the car and do a bit of reflection, decide that keeping surfboards under the house is a bit stupid and should re-evaluate my way of storing my boards or contemplate moving to a more high roller neighbourhood.
Isn’t it a shame that this back-slappingly happy little band of brothers can’t sustain a viable web business on their own? It’s starting to remind me of my local pub. The same cunts are in it every single day, nursing their half-pints and whiskies whilst the place slowly goes bankrupt and the barman hangs grimly on. The only value they add is that they are occasionally pretty funny, in an acerbic but tragic kind of way, which makes you think that if they had any gumption about them then their time might be far better employed elsewhere.
1. Ignore him but once on the beach make out with his girl
2. Make a body dummy of my self and sit it at the soccer game next to the cooler of orange slices, capri-sun’s, and cocaine ( when in Brazil….). But I would never have kids in the first place. This world is over populated with snotty spoiled brats
3. I don’t like violence but those Hypto Krypto’s are not cheap so I would not be leaving that store with out my 5’2” Hypto! Pull a jerry Maguire.
1. Paddle in circles around him singing “Frappez moi sur la tete un deux trois, biff baff boff biff baff boff” to the tune of ‘Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye”. I’ve seen this done by a mate to a Frenchman who had been doggedly shadowing him for an entire session for no good reason. Worked a treat
2. Look, I don’t want to be Captain Pedant here but it’s ‘football’, not ‘soccer’. Your type of football is ‘American football’. As such, I’m finding it impossible to engage with the scenario
3. I was once asked to leave a surf shop in Fuerteventura by a German. He was sweeping the floor and seemed to be indicating that my slightly grubby shoes were ruining his morning’s work. Didn’t call me a liar though, so that’s a positive
1- Smile and ask my new friend if he’s heard the good news- that Jesus died for his sins.
2- Make an appearance, drop the kid off and inform him he’s going to hang out with so and so after the game, then get pitted.
3- I already filed an insurance claim and don’t care. Okay I show them photos of me shredding said board and threaten to call cops.
1- Run from the guy because I have very weak fighting skills
2- If my kid liked soccer I’d sell him to ISIL
3- How do you know I stole my neighbours boards!?
#1 – ive already flipped, flipped at the other cunts hooting and having a good time, makes me sick.
woulda got the jump on old mate and burned him first.
#2 – if they sell hot pies at the soccer no question, i fucking love hot pies.
#3 – they can have the heap of shit, the thing is yellower than Noa Deane’s teeth and has red-x fin boxes. good luck finding a fin, cunts.
1) Completely blank the guy.
I battle with my temper so if I started down the road of arguing about it it would just descend in to obscenities and aggression too quickly.
2) No. No kids. No soccer.
3) Even if the cops wouldn’t do anything, I would have gone in to the station and filed a report detailing the boards for record and potentially insurance purposes. Thus a shopkeeper would have little room to argue.
“most of whom have at least half a brain rattling around inside their respective skulls.”
I like this flirting.
thats funny u used picture of wilko, i ran over a bodyboarder for him once, watched him do it then go to his mate and laugh about it, so i dropped in on him and ran over him, he had a whinge, he wasn’t bleeding. told him i saw what he was upto and he could expect more if he keeps it up.
Please think of some examples that don’t make me hate life trying to imagine.
#1 pretend am deaf, then just try to burn him on every single wave.
#2 tell my wife to take my boys so she can socialize. Make it all about her – maybe I could cut up oranges, but a big maybe.
#3 only keep old boards under the house, or ones I don’t ride – so fuck it
Haha poor Neg’s is actually a quality commenter. He is just shackled by his responsibilities as a moderator. He utilises a restraint that belies the true menace of his wit.
I’ll respond to scenario 2 – Tell the coach the boy is sick, wife is out, so you need to be at home with the lad and can someone come and collect the oranges and Hi-C so people don’t miss out. When the gear gets collected, apologize profusely and thank the person for filling in. When they leave, take the lad down the coast for draining kegs and a bakery lunch. Tell him his days on the soccer pitch are over.
I caught Hi-C sharing a needle with my old man.
Careful. Don’t you remember what happened to Cavvy and Nick Dee. Negatron rolled them up in the shag pile carpet from his van and pushed them through a wood chipper. The poor bastards never stood a chance.
Ummm, fuck the first scenario, marry the second scenario and kill the third scenario.
It looks like Rory’s hypothetical characters and fictional murder plots are out of bounds.
#1) You have to punch him. You really have no choice.
#2) You stay at the soccer and do what you promised to do.
#3) You wage guerilla war on your junkie neighbour, ordering pizzas to his house at 3am, sign him up to a swingers site – that kind of thing. You won’t get your boards back but you’ll feel better.
1. Tell the guy i’ll smack his mum’s front bum with my tube steak
2. Tell my kid the hell with football, we’re going sarrfinnnn
3. Leaving the store with my board. The end.
#1 Nobody ever does this for god’s sake
#2 What kind of shitty planner are you?
#3 Do not keep boards under your house.
Party fucking pooper Carroll.
well he was the one who started kissing up to the comments section. thats almost as bad as saying the best surfer is the retard with the grin on its face.
I love how your grinning retard isn’t gendered. Equality!
“It” denies personhood. I’m outraged.
Post-human futures are inclusive of all species, maaaannnnn.
Yeah… it was all accurate except Tommy wouldnt fall off..