Jamie O with bum out of the wall! | Photo:
Laserwolf
“Regulars stick their bum in the
wall!”
By Chas Smith
Why can't screwfoots win Pipe? Come and read last
week's best story!
Do you ever look at Surfing magazine’s
online portal surfingmagazine.com? The numbers suggest probably no
but you totally should! Behind a balky exterior lies the most high
performance action on the planet. Pete Taras curates his dream
photographer staff’s work like Allan Carr in his prime. Brendan
Buckley directs stories that shine with both humor and candor.
Take this wonderful piece that you didn’t read. It is by Michael
Ciaramella and examines why screwfoots cannot win at Pipe. I’ll
admit, I had not really considered it but it is true. It should be
a goofy’s dream to round the final bend of the season with the
magnificent left-hander standing between him and a World Surf
League championship trophy. Did you know, though, that no goofy has
won in the past fifteen years? A decade plus!
Mr. Ciaramella talks to three Pipe Masters, Kelly (regular), Rob
(goofy) and Jamie O (bi) spinning the most thoughtful, clear and
concise examination of the subject matter. He doesn’t dress it in
nonsensical hyperbole. He lets it breathe and the reader comes away
with true knowledge.
How does Jamie O’Brien account for the regular foot dominance?
“While goofies have to pump and weave through the right (which is
extremely difficult backside) the regulars can just stick their bum
in the wall.” but you should do yourself a favor and read in its
entirety HERE.
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Florida: Man takes selfie with shark!
By Chas Smith
Is Florida the greatest human experiment?
Florida is a very strange place. Some of the
souls I love most on this earth hail from its curvy shores. But
also Marco Rubio. I had never been until four years ago and hated
it from afar but then thought it was time to test my regional
bigotry so went and drove almost every inch of its coastline in a
white Fiat 500.
I wrote a story called THE STATE I HATE for
Surfing Magazine and you can read it or just the last
paragraph here:
Florida is home to the best of the best. Home to people who,
when the lunatics grow exhausting, are there to take you into their
homes and families and hearts. The worst and the best. No lukewarm
in Florida. No Ohio blandness. And, in really experiencing this
lack of blandness, the stone of my prejudice became dust and blew
away. Florida is no longer “The State I Hate.” It is now and
forever, affectionately, “Fucked Up.”
Guess what happened in Palm Beach, near Miami, yesterday? A man
sporting a thick top bun and what appear to be Rip Curl trunks
pulled a shark from the Atlantic so that people could take his
picture with the animal. He kneeled behind it, one hand on tail fin
the other hand on head, in a very sexually provocative pose. Like
he maybe just had his way with it. Onlookers squealed with
delight.
Witnesses later said the shark washed back up onto the sand and
died making animal rights activists very angry/sad. One wrote that
this man should be waterboarded for his crime. Would you like to
take a portrait with a shark? Do you think if Mick Fanning could
turn back the clock he would take a portrait with that South
African shark? Would you like to maybe have some sexy time with one
too? Are you more angry that this man killed a shark or that he
sports a thick top bun? Do you love Florida like I now do?
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Tom Curren: “I like going fast!”
By Chas Smith
Is the best surfer in the water really the one
having the most fun?
Does Tom Curren thrill you or does his sojourn
into alternative surf craft leave you clammy? Me? I find it both
pure joy and also a repudiation of the oft stated, “The best surfer
in the water is the one having the most fun.” Let’s examine!
As a boy, my favorite favorite favorite surf poster was the one
of Tom wrap around carving that gorgeous Maurice Cole. You know the
one. Tom’s knees are bent, torso languid, mouth slightly open,
board white with yellow rails, trunks black. It represents
everything I love in surfing and I would stare at it so much that
it soon infected my dreams. I don’t think I can use the photo due
to copyright issues. So many threatened lawsuits! So scary! So
let’s use this one instead which also represents everything I love
in surfing.
Hello, handsome!
Now let’s watch Tom ride the alternative craft. Very talented
filmmaker Matt Payne out of Southern California made this clip and
much fun does it look like Mr. Curren is having? The most, right?
Those slides, that speed. I can imagine what joy fills his heart as
he races down those smooth walls and he is very clearly enjoying
himself, maybe more than anyone else in France, but does it make
you lust? Would you tack an image of finless Tom to your wall? I
would not.
Which proves, beyond any reasonable doubt, that the best surfer
in the water is the one with the best wrap around carve. Don’t you
think? Unassailable?
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“Slater spreads fear, mistrust,
guilt!”
By Derek Rielly
Compelling podcast examines Kelly Slater's grand
conspiracy theories!
Do you remember, three weeks ago, when Kelly
Slater was interviewed by the conspiracy theorist Luke
Rudowski of wearechange.org?
The interview (called Kelly Slater: Vote Nobody 2016,
Investigate 9/11 and Screw Monsanto!!!) is so wonderfully kooky and
so strange and so lightweight you fear the principals might float
away on a cloud of incense and paranoia. In response, Rory
Parker, of BeachGrit, created a wonderful cartoon, which you can see
here.
Briefly, Slater and Rudowski both agree that 9-11 was most
likely an inside job (Zionists, CIA etc.), that Monsanto maybe has
their base in Hawaii in case of a zombie apocalypse, that the Zika
Virus is caused by genetically tuned mosquitoes, there’s a cancer
cure and maybe Kelly has it, and the importance of following
alternative media like wearechange.org.
These sorts of interviews enliven even my gloomiest day, as if
it was a fairy tale about the glorification of pumpkins.
But what I enjoy even more is when someone bothers to
meticulously debunk these sorta conspiracies.
Have you heard of a podcast called Surf
Simply?I hadn’t until a few days ago when
BeachGrit reader Craig Guy sent me episode 25, Calling
Out Kelly.
Each week, the show’s three hosts, Asher King, Ru Hill and
Harry Knight, provide a classy analysis of whatever’s happened in
surf.
“At the moment, he’s spreading fear, mistrust, scientific
illiteracy and guilt because if someone’s getting cancer or getting
sick he’s alluded in the past to connections in the past between
GMOs and autism. If your child’s getting leukaemia, autism, and
then you’re thinking that I might’ve caused this by what I’m
choosing to feed them, it’s just… awful. That is
the reason why Kelly Slater is no longer my hero.”
In episode 25, it mows through Evo surfboards and the Volcom
Pipe Pro before smashing Kelly’s fav conspiracies apart.
Eventually, Ru Hill, at least I think it’s Ru Hill, it’s a podcast,
not TV, concludes:
“The reason that Kelly Slater’s not my hero anymore is because
he throws these comments out there without actually fact-checking
them and I think he sorta justifies it because he does it he does
it all in a hand-waving ‘Hey! I’m just asking questions! We just
need to investigate! We just need to to find out!’
“But when you have a platform and a voice that’s as prominent as
Kelly Slater and people listen to you, when you make implications
like he does, people pretty much take them as fact. And you’ve got
a responsibility to fact-check before you say things.
“In my opinion, at the moment, he’s spreading fear, mistrust,
scientific illiteracy and guilt because if someone’s getting cancer
or getting sick he’s alluded in the past to connections in the past
between GMOs and autism. If your child’s getting leukaemia, autism,
and then you’re thinking that I might’ve caused this by what I’m
choosing to feed them, it’s just… awful. That is the
reason why Kelly Slater is no longer my hero.”
Of course, Surf Simply quickly pulled the
episode down after a fan backlash, replacing it with an
explanation of why they did so. Click
here.
You can listen to the episode, which is funny, smart and
compelling below, and that was saved from oblivion by the
aforementioned BeachGrit reader Craig Guy. Do you think
Surf Simply will ask us to remove? Is free speech only free when
you agree?
Below the podcast is Slater’s original interview with
wearechange.org.
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There's stand-up paddle and there's…y'know… the
kinda SUP pilots that cliff-dive Teahupoo. Kealii Mamala is a
remarkable devotee of this maligned sport.
Disaster: SUP Tour on Brink!
By Rory Parker
Contests without prizemoney! Money owed! Do you
weep?
In a departure from my normal light and breezy daily
schedule I’ve actually got some shit to do today. And that
means low effort post, just get something up. Because this is the
internet and if we don’t have tons of posts every single day y’all
will move on to the next thing and all this effort will have been
for nothing.
Which I doubt, because if surf contests are boring, stand-up
contests are like fifty years in solitary confinement with only an
audiobook of Ethan Frome for company.
Lucky for me, Christopher Parker (no relation) over at
supracer.com posted a very interesting article
regarding the current status of the Waterman League, that
cringeworthy named attempt at cashing in on the stand-up craze.
Turns out they don’t have any money, aren’t paying competitors,
and are continuing to run contests while hoping against hope they
can pull a funding rabbit out of their hat and remain solvent.
Which I doubt, because if surf contests are boring, stand-up
contests are like fifty years in solitary confinement with only an
audiobook of Ethan Frome for company.
Highlights from the article include:
Athletes are still owed a combined $70,000 from last
year.
There was no prize money for the Sunset Beach Pro in Hawaii
last week.
Looking further back: In September 2015, the Waterman
League began trying to raise capital through a group of Canadian
investors. This is why they initially promised all prize money
would be repaid by the end of October 2015, and that all 2016
events would have a $50,000 purse. But they jumped the gun: The
Canadian deal fell over before the end of the year.
Robert, and by extension Park Lane, appear to be the
Waterman League’s only real chance of survival at this stage. The
company is broke and on the brink, but if Park Lane can raise up to
$5,000,000 as promised, it’ll be happy days for everyone. They’ll
finally be able to go big and realise the grand vision they’ve been
promising for the past five years.
I recommend giving the entire thing a read. It’s an interesting
bit of backroom fuckery, competitors as chumps, all couched in a
curiously optimistic tone.
