I woke up to a message from my mother-in-law this
morning. “Happy Four Year Anniversary!”
What?
We don’t really celebrate, the wife and I. Dated for eleven
years before tying the knot, really only did it for insurance and
tax purposes. We don’t wear rings, she didn’t take my name. Lobbied
hard to make me take hers, though.
Other than the aforementioned tax and insurance implications,
marriage is largely bullshit. Doesn’t change nothin’. Unless you’re
a member of some weirdo cult and never got in each others’ pants.
Then I’m sure it comes with a bunch of awkward fumbling, sexual malfunction, and eventual
divorce. I only ever fucked one virgin, and it
was terrible. Swore I’d never do it again, only skeevy sluts from
thereon out.
While I had no idea that today’s our wedding anniversary, I’m
not about to miss a chance to win a marital battle.
“Happy Anniversary, baby?”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s been four years! Don’t tell me you forgot?”
Got inside her head for a minute, but I forgot to delete the
text. It was on her phone, since I’ve still never owned a cell.
Totally blew it, could have used her supposed insensitivity for all
sorts of leverage.
Fun Fact: Our dog died the morning after we married.
Very auspicious.
Good thing I don’t believe in that stuff. Yeah, I spout plenty
of colloquial nonsense about luck or karma, because it was beaten
into my head by society, but I’m aware that life just happens, not
much you can do to control it.
Which is too bad, life’d be a lot more fun if magic really
existed. Every time something bad happened you’d be thinking,
“Who’s responsible for this? Did someone put a hex on me?”
The investigation into Phil Toledo’s broken dick would be a
treat. Especially when the WSL discovered it was ADS who hired some
brazzo witch doctor from the deepest darkest to conjure up a dong
curse.
But life is boring, the mundane reality most likely involved
lurking on the wrong side of the official WSL Competitor Area glory
hole with a hammer in hand.
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Surf Snowdonia’s $US1.5 M Reboot!
By Derek Rielly
Adds giant catapult and obstacle course!
Do you remember when Wavegarden’s first commercial
pool opened in the little Welsh village of Dolgarrog last
August? The pool, called Surf
Snowdonia, was built on the site of an old aluminium
smelter, cost $US17 million, and for a moment, was spangled with
the gold of expectation.
The energy drink company Red Bull held a contest there (Albee
Layer won), surfers engaged back and forth on its merits (one
surfer wrote eloquently about having his “worst surf in two years” ,
another said, Welsh surfers should learn to shred not complain)
and, it seemed, everyone was making plans to jump into its frigid
fresh water next time they were near Europe.
In December, Kelly Slater appeared with a wavepool that was
merciless in its superiority. It was enough to sap the morale and
break the will of a king!
Andy Ainscough, managing director of the Surf Snowdonia,
says: “The number one thing we wanted to get right during our
winter downtime was the addressing the reliability of our
Wavegarden, and we’re confident that we’ve delivered on that.
Leitner has made some very specific modifications to the motors
which have optimised the mechanics of creating consistently
powerful waves, day in, day out. The last six weeks have been
entirely dedicated to putting the motors through their paces and
testing their resilience under pressure.”
Does the idea of surfing a Wavegarden still excite you like it
did three years ago when it was still a secret in the Basque
hills?
Or are you holding your cards until you can get to a Kelly?
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Surf Quiz: What Would You Do?
By Travis Bible
Broke and cry-baby pals, choking turtles to
death…
Rory Parker’s new series What Would You Do
coiled BeachGrit reader Travis Bible into action. In a
recent email, he wrote: “It brings me back to my days at college
talking about ethics, but with surfing. While we used to ask big
questions, like, is it acceptable to allow the Warren Jeffs and his
FLDS crew to run entire cities or is it ethical to keep large
marine mammals in zoos, the topics were too abstract to really
matter.
“The questions posed by BeachGrit are accessible
to me. They are the kind of bar-room philosophizing my sunburned
cohorts could comprehend. But I found that despite the realistic
premises, I had never actually been in any of the circumstances.
Maybe it’s my boring life, but I figured we could use more benign
What Would You Do? scenarios.”
And which point, Bible surrended his own What Would You
Do’s…
Scenario #1
You’re driving to the next major surf spot over from yours
(about an hour away) and want some company. The aspiring artist
musician type tags along, but conveniently forgets his wallet.
While a few bucks for gas would be good, it’s not too big of a
deal. However, you find that after a marathon five-hour session
you’re starving. With the long drive ahead, and knowing you’ll have
to feed the penniless friend as well, what do you do?
Scenario #2
It’s a top five day of the year at your local spot. The sun is
out, the crowds aren’t bad, and the water is perfect. One of your
buddies is going through a rough patch and is telling you all about
the wife that is leaving him, his shaky job, his sick mom,
when the set of the day pops up on the horizon. Do you listen
contently and let perfection pass you by or paddle towards the
set?
Scenario #3
It’s a cold winter day and you have an hour to get your surf
fix. You make it out into an empty line-up and find a clear plastic
bag floating right next to you. You know turtles frequent your
beach. Your wetsuit has no pockets and the bag is falling apart so
you can’t tie it around yourself. There is a bit of a current so
you have to choose: do you summon the eco warrior within or say
fuck it let evolution sort out the wheat from the chaff?
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Just in: The Inertia causes dementia!
By Chas Smith
A hard medical fact!
Parody is such a fine form of comedy don’t
you think? The most wonderful author of Lolita, Vlad Nabokov, sure
did and once said, “Satire is a lesson, parody a game.” And who
don’t want to play a game? The chuckles, the back slaps, the
soaring spirits!
It is particularly great because we can laugh laugh laugh
while winking at general truths. Donald Trump’s candidacy is a
grand parody of American politics, for example, and ADS’s
championship run a pitch perfect parody of the World Surf League’s
judging criteria. Do you remember the Lunada Bay parody posted by
Rory Parker just days ago? Of course you do! You loved the way it
lampooned the aggressive/weird/silly brand of localism festering
just outside of Los Angeles.
Apparently readers of all-inclusive mountain/beach website The
Inertia did not love it though, nor did they understand it at all.
They took it completely seriously and raged against the terrible
form portrayed.
“Real tough standing on a cliff so this loser can run away to
his mommy before these two guys busy him up. What a punk. I’m 6’4″
230. Try me assholes.”
“This is rediculous hes lucky a real man doesnt come by and
shut his mouth !”
“It’s KOOKS not COOKS …you kook.” (Because the title of the
piece was COOKS GO HOME)
“Without cooks we’d all starve.”
“Inertia I am glad you have the anti localism attitude as
well. We are all locals to the Earth!!!!”
Etc. You must do yourself a great favor and read the rest of
the comments here!
Oh how funny! But also begs the question…does reading The
Inertia regularly cause dementia or other major neurological
malfunctions?
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Parker’s Breezy Reads II
By Rory Parker
Three fun reads, no matter what your needs…
I like to read. If you’re here, then you must
as well. Pretty text heavy, BeachGrit. Someone once called us
“cerebral,”by which they meant they thought we had too many words.
Keep it short and sweet, more photos, more videos. But I’m not a
photographer, I have no interest in filming people. I’ve just got a
laptop and a love for blathering on.
The Relic Master by Christopher Buckley
It was recommended by Matt Warshaw, and I adored Thank You
For Smoking and Boomsday, how could I resist?
The Relic Master is a heist caper set at the dawn of
Lutheranism, focusing on the sale of indulgences, the venality of
the Roman Catholic Church, and an absurd reliquary based arms race.
You wouldn’t necessarily expect concepts like simony and
translation to lend themselves to a comedic romp, but in Buckley’s
hands they do so, and well.
The Reformation reshaped the western world, led to widespread
literacy, delivered a crushing strong blow to the might of the
corrupt superstition that was the Holy Roman Empire.
An unexpected result of the novel is my new found appreciation
of the importance the Reformation. I attended a Jesuit college, and
whichever dimly remembered professor was tasked with beating the
information into my mind did a piss poor job. The Reformation
reshaped the western world, led to widespread literacy, delivered a
crushing strong blow to the might of the corrupt superstition that
was the Holy Roman Empire. I’ve always felt total contempt for
theological scholars, seeing as how they waste their lives arguing
the minutiae of bogus belief systems meant to control. But there’s
something there, a relevance not based on some all seeing man in
the sky, but in our modern reality and how we react to it.
So, yeah, buy it, read it. It is very good.
Carter & Lovecraft byJonathan L Howard
I was disappointed to learn that Howard didn’t plan to write any
more novels about Johannes Cabal, his lovably evil anti-hero
necromancer protagonist. Great books, the Cabal series,
made better by their self contained nature. Howard’s decision to
write stand alone novels that didn’t end in a cliff hanger and lead
to years long waits between installments was a good one. It’s a
terrible trend in the fantasy genre, no one wants to write stories
that end between a single set of covers. It’s all grand world
building and largely futile efforts to build a franchise.
I blame George Martin.
Howard’s decision to write stand alone novels that didn’t end in
a cliff hanger and lead to years long waits between installments
was a good one. It’s a terrible trend in the fantasy genre, no one
wants to write stories that end between a single set of covers.
It’s all grand world building and largely futile efforts to build a
franchise.
Carter & Lovecraft is a treat. A self-aware noir horror
in the world of Cthulhu, Howard spins gold from H.P. Lovecraft’s
mythos, filled to the brim with the uncanny eldritch. Dealing,
lightly, with the nature of reality, C&L follows a
retired cop, now private dick, as he unwittingly unravels the sheer
terror of an existence that lurks just beneath our own, voraciously
waiting outside of time for an opportune moment to devour us
all.
The Red Son Rising Trilogy byPierce
Brown
A gross offender in the cliffhanger club, especially in book
two, the trilogy is finished and it’s time to read. Yeah, the
protagonist is a bit of a Mary Sue, and it deals in long standing
tropes without much new to offer, but god damn is it fun. Violence
and spaceships galore.
Humanity has moved beyond the shackles of Earth, picking up a
dystopic caste system along the way. The planets are ruled by
Golds, genetically engineered super human sociopaths created in the
wake of an all out war that occurred centuries earlier. And now,
finally, the masses have had enough.
For all the travails the protagonist suffers, the ending is
never really in doubt. But Brown excels at engaging. Sure, you know
it’ll work out somehow, especially when there’s a book or two left
to go, but the fun’s in the voyage, not the destination.
Yeah, the protagonist is a bit of a Mary Sue, and it deals in
long standing tropes without much new to offer, but god damn is it
fun. Violence and spaceships galore.
If you prefer scifi of the hard variety, in the vein of Clarke,
Asimov, Anderson, or Niven, it might not be for you. But if you’re
looking for a fun read that never slows down, the kind that keeps
you up well past your bedtime, you’ll love Red Son
Rising.