Broke and cry-baby pals, choking turtles to death…
Rory Parker’s new series What Would You Do coiled BeachGrit reader Travis Bible into action. In a recent email, he wrote: “It brings me back to my days at college talking about ethics, but with surfing. While we used to ask big questions, like, is it acceptable to allow the Warren Jeffs and his FLDS crew to run entire cities or is it ethical to keep large marine mammals in zoos, the topics were too abstract to really matter.
“The questions posed by BeachGrit are accessible to me. They are the kind of bar-room philosophizing my sunburned cohorts could comprehend. But I found that despite the realistic premises, I had never actually been in any of the circumstances. Maybe it’s my boring life, but I figured we could use more benign What Would You Do? scenarios.”
And which point, Bible surrended his own What Would You Do’s…
Scenario #1
You’re driving to the next major surf spot over from yours (about an hour away) and want some company. The aspiring artist musician type tags along, but conveniently forgets his wallet. While a few bucks for gas would be good, it’s not too big of a deal. However, you find that after a marathon five-hour session you’re starving. With the long drive ahead, and knowing you’ll have to feed the penniless friend as well, what do you do?
Scenario #2
It’s a top five day of the year at your local spot. The sun is out, the crowds aren’t bad, and the water is perfect. One of your buddies is going through a rough patch and is telling you all about the wife that is leaving him, his shaky job, his sick mom, when the set of the day pops up on the horizon. Do you listen contently and let perfection pass you by or paddle towards the set?
Scenario #3
It’s a cold winter day and you have an hour to get your surf fix. You make it out into an empty line-up and find a clear plastic bag floating right next to you. You know turtles frequent your beach. Your wetsuit has no pockets and the bag is falling apart so you can’t tie it around yourself. There is a bit of a current so you have to choose: do you summon the eco warrior within or say fuck it let evolution sort out the wheat from the chaff?
1. A good playlist for there and back, no companion necessary. Bonus: pick up the cute hitchhiker who’s aspiring to be a porn starlet. Wait, I forgot it’s your scenario, not mine. 2. Paddle out. 3. Look at it, avoid it, paddle.
1- Fuck it, I’m fat as hell anyway.
2- Fuckin’ go surf straight away having made plans for dinner and heavy drinking with him same night.
3- Feckin’ stuff the bag inside your wettie, how retarded is this?
Travis Bible: IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN!!!!
1. roll a spliff, should tie you over till ya home.
2. let him go then burn him. this is surf time not sook time.
3. by turtle you mean ugly fat ladies walking their dogs, yeah the rubbish continues on its path
I’ve got a few of my own:
1) F/marry/kill: Carissa, Sally and Courtney
2) You’re Surfstitch and just purchased Beach Grit. You need to fire one of the following: Chas, Rory or Derek. Who gets the axe?
3) Who is to blame for AI’s death: AI, Kaiborg, Billabong, Bruce, Lyndie or someone else?
1) Courtney/Sally/Carissa
2) Rory
3) All of the above… mostly AI
The hardest was the first.
1) Pay for lunch – it’s my fault for asking him to join me in the first place.
2) Take the wave.
3) Leave the bag.
None of those were hard.
Readers get to write posts now? I have some great ideas!:
“Just In: Filipe (Injury) Forced Out of Bells, Margs, Fiji!…and Teahupoo and Pipe!”
“Read: Parko: My Love for Chas”
“Just In: Albee Layer is a Dick!”
“Watch: Nick Rozsa and the Same Backside Turn!” … wait, I forgot about the policy of no B surfers, we’ll have to scratch this one
“50 People Read-Ish Beach Grit!”
… or any of these Blood Feuds:
“Blood Feud!: Nick Carroll V Humor!” or “Blood Feud: Nick Carroll (and His Mary Poppins Fetish) V Blood Feud Defenses!”
“Blood Feud!: Everyone V Turpel!”
“Blood Feud!: STAB V English Language!” this will have to be, at a minimum, a trilogy…
Boring but:
1. Combo meal, he can eat the fries.
2. Yell “get coffee later” as I’m dropping in.
3. If I picked up every piece of floating trash at my local break I would never have time to catch a wave.
#1 a) he isn’t your friend – fuck him ( not literally) he won’t forget his wallet the next time!
#1 b) He is your friend- buy him lunch!
#2 You can’t break away from a heavy conversation with a friend, however a true friend would never put their problems above your need for waves – a true paradox!
No turtles around here unfortunately
It says aspiring artist / musician type. Dont be all double standards bud. We know you paint and strum.
1. I’d never take him. 2. I’d never listen. 3. Fucking turtles what?
What if the bag was a used condom your sad mate had used on a turtle that you were meant to feed to him cause you knew he had no money for the post surf trip home?
Ethic that mofos.
1 clearly the revolution in personal credit has passed you by travis! 2 this would violate the Code: no meaningful conversations permitted during surfing 3 double Inertia
Fucked questions. But put the plastic up sleeve – see turtles all time
Bit disappointed that wasn’t an actual quiz.
True, the “in the back” or “in the unused hood” technique is a daily driver.
1. Burger King. 2. Set wave 3. If it’s ‘falling apart’ it must be biodegrading as God wished it to.
Worst fucking scenarios ever. Need some hard drugs or libertine conundrums mixed in.
truly an awful follow up to a budding great segment
I literally had to go check if dude was a regs Inertia writer.
These are the harshest words I’ve ever read. Thank you for making my day.
Brutality through verbosity.
FUCK THIS. ONE AT A TIME.
Stop and pay for the cheap bastard. Paddle away from sadness. Let the turtle die!