Ironic racism is a comedy grenade. It’s maybe
easiest to contain when coming from a racial/ethnic minority
and delivered to a mixed crowd. Take Chris Rock’s turn hosting the
Academy Awards, for example. He, a very famous very funny comedian,
was able to poke and prod at the nasty racist tension embroiling
Hollywood but even he got burned when joking about Asians. The
Academy was forced to deliver an apology for the “pain it
caused.”
It’s maybe most difficult when coming from a monochromatically
white place and directed toward monochromatically white people
because, generally, the already questionable “ironic” gets erased
and “racism” is all that’s left.
Still, brave Caucasian humorists sally forth, undaunted!
Take Stab‘s RIP (2004-2016) last remaining
offspring, Stabstitch. Yesterday the appropriately named
wordsmith, Morgan Williamson, wrote a piece for the site on the WSL
jersey sales (remember how they are going to make $10,000,000.00?). Let’s
read!
As the WSL continues to mainline the mainstream, the fanbase
is growing serious. The World Surf League is currently sitting
at 1.7 million followers on IG. And this is no AI Forever t-shirt,
or Ke11y jazz. The adults and groms alike are dedicated to their
fave surfers in a way where they’re willing to drop $65 for a
polycotton soccer-jersey style shirt, with their number on it. Just
as liquor during the Rodney King riots, they were torn from the
shelves at Snapper.
I don’t understand the first sentence at all. Or the third one’s
context. The fourth is grammatically dense but the sixth is the
boom! “Just as liquor during the Rodney King riots, (Mick Fanning
jerseys) were torn from the shelves at Snapper.”
Comedy gold! Right? Or?
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So tired! Just. Caught. So. Many. Waves...
Report: What “true surf fans” want!
By Chas Smith
Do you consider yourself a true turf fan? Guess
what you love!
How good is it when Bloomberg gets its hands on
the surfs? I think very good. The straight business reportage
always reads amazingly surreal when rubbing up against our favorite
lifestyle. One can guarantee metaphors like, “Riding a wave of…”
“…salty…” and “…fiduciary wipeout.” But there is also great truth
hidden in the financial folds.
Recently, the publication turned its eye toward SurfStitch. Of
course you remember reading about it right here as a blood feud and what
was not to love? A gorgeous blonde locked in vicious battle with a
frumpy brunette!
If the surfwear business were a streaming soap opera, it
would go like this.
Shares of Billabong and Quiksilver, the industry’s biggest
labels, surge to records in 2007, then crash. Gone are the days
when high schools were flooded with bright graphic tees and baggy
pants, and Matthew McConaughey could be seen catching a wave
at Malibu Beach in knee-length board shorts. In 2011, Cali-cool
surf seller PacSun begins closing down 200 stores. In 2015,
Quiksilver slides into bankruptcy court.
Enter a young, ambitious player with hopes of reviving
the salty dream. Australian retailer SurfStitch goes public in 2014
and quietly sets out on a rad acquisition spree, snapping
up online retailers Swell and Surfdome, gear manufacturer Surf
Hardware International, surf magazine Stab, forecasting
service Magicseaweed, and sports video studio Garage Entertainment
and Production. Suddenly, SurfStitch has global reach, revenue
of A$145 million (US$109 million) in its latest fiscal
half, and a grand vision — a $1 billion surf empire
united next year as Swell.
Etc. You’ve read the “grand visions” before. The best part,
though, is when Bloomberg goes on to describe the pieces of
SurfStitch’s surf empire. There is magicseaweed.com
which, “…is for surfers who need to check the webcams to see
if their local beach is pumping.” And Stab which,
“… is geared to true fans interested in
reading about an Australian who caught 152 waves in one
seven-hour session.”
Does it get better than the true fans interested in reading
about an Australian who caught 152 waves in one seven-hour
session?
I think no.
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Comedy: Lunada Bay Locals Parody!
By Rory Parker
Humour and surfing? Yes! It exists!
I just sent an email telling Derek I’m taking
the day off. The wife’s playing hooky from work, and I just can’t
get anything done while she’s around. Not that what I do is
particularly difficult, it’s just hard to string together a
coherent thought while your life partner is chattering away in your
ear like a magpie.
Then I saw this video, and, wow, it’s funny. Not very much good
surf related humor floating around. Surfing is serious business,
people get upset about everything. Companies in decline, the dying
vestiges of the Momentum/post-Momentum Gen
guys looking at the rapidly approaching end of their careers.
Everyone is very touchy.
Recently cost us some ad revenue, though I’d argue that bitching
about content then pulling a purely theoretical ad campaign, one
that hasn’t been run or been paid for, is just a means to
manipulate editorial without actually coughing up any cash.
Then I saw this video, and, wow, it’s funny. Not very much good
surf related humor floating around. Surfing is serious business,
people get upset about everything. Companies in decline, the dying
vestiges of
the Momentum/post-Momentum Gen guys
looking at the rapidly approaching end of their careers. Everyone
is very touchy.
My dad did something similar when my brothers and I were
fighting like wildcats during a car ride. “We were going to go to
Disneyland, but now we aren’t, because you’re bad!”
We were never going to Disneyland.
Anyway, again, this is funny. And since it’s only got
1000 views at the moment, maybe they’ll be stoked we share it,
rather than threaten legal action.
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Blood Feud II: Wilko v Murdoch!
By Derek Rielly
Should Fred Pawle be bashed, raped and killed?
Wilko supporters say yes!
Do you remember yesterday when Matt
Wilkinson called for the inclusion of sharia law in our judicial
system?
The Quiksilver Pro champion become overheated when he was called
a “yobbo” and “not pretty” in a headline in the sports section of
The Australian newspaper and said, “Who thinks this guy
deserves a flogging?”
Wilko’s pals, which include the former ASP chief Brodie Carr,
surf journalist great Tim Baker and ASL editor Wade Gravy who
included a photo of the writer of the story, were universal in
their condemnation of the headline and the story contained
within.
Their case stuttered when it was revealed that if you moved
beyond the headline (which was written by a sub-editor) the writer
had actually called Wilko’s surfing “the most beautiful in the
world” and “fast and brutal…a refreshing alternative.”
“Yesterday I became the target of a social
media mob who called for me to, among other things, be bashed,
raped and killed.
“Nothing new or, to be honest, disturbing about that. Keyboard
warriors are as ubiquitous and harmless on social media as
cockroaches on a balmy night.
“What was unusual, though, was that I was being pilloried for
saying something nice. If vitriol and incitements to violence can
now be triggered for expressing compliments, then, at the risk of
sounding grim, free speech in this country is in serious
trouble.”
and
“Why was he offended? Did he actually read the story? Or did he
think I’d called him “not pretty”? His followers certainly thought
so. Amid the hundreds of messages telling him how pretty he really
is were other messages vehemently agreeing with his opening
conclusion, which soon degenerated into suggestions of rape and
murder. Lovely people, Wilko’s followers.
“All harmless fun, of course, to which I was oblivious until my
17-year-old son, who has the same name as me, contacted me to ask
why he was copping abuse on Instagram.”
and
“We are living in increasingly intolerant times. Wilko’s
instinctive response to an imagined slight was to incite a mob into
a frenzy of fury.
“The right to be offended now extends to words intended as
compliments, and the mob responds like an overcrowded cage of rabid
Pavlov’s dogs. We are facing a generation of young adults to whom
opposing arguments are not ideas to be contested, but justification
for two dismally immature emotions: fleeting moral vanity and
raging hatred. Neither of these emotions is essential to a normal,
healthy life, or society, for that matter.
“More disturbingly, among the mob were three surf journalists.
One of them, Nick Carroll, whose recent biography of his
former-world-champion brother Tom describes him as the “world’s
best known surf writer”, ignored the obviously dark,
anti-journalistic forces at work and instead posted a sycophantic
message to Wilko: ‘I think you’re pretty.’
“When even journalists run with the bloodthirsty pack, we are in
a dangerous situation. When the pack is responding to an imaginary
slight, the danger becomes ubiquitous. Who will they turn on
next?
“Does Wilko think he made a mistake? Was it an impulsive act
that he now realises was unwise and even a bit uncool? He won’t
tell me. I messaged him last night, then again this morning, asking
if we could talk about the storm he unleashed. I also left a
message with Neil Ridgway, the marketing manager at Rip Curl,
Wilko’s main sponsor. Neither replied.
“When I woke this morning, I noticed that Wilko had taken down
the offending post from Instagram.”
“You tell him for me: if he fucks with you, if he lays
one Russian knuckle on you, your buddy is coming after him and
someone's gonna need a screen door to fish out the pieces.” Now go
get 'em, tiger. | Photo: WSL
“Filipe makes Kolohe look soft-cock!”
By Derek Rielly
And other possibly unwarranted observations by Matt
Warshaw from the Quiksilver Pro…
You know perfectly well who Matt Warshaw is.
Former pro surfer, former Surfer editor turned author
turned surfing historian.
Or when Kelly revealed his pool and he said, “Wavegarden just went Betamax!
Wavegarden execs are standing on office building ledges, crying,
looking down at the sidewalk!”
I was interested, therefore, what Warshaw made of the
Quiksilver Pro, given his prolific tweeting and his loose
mouth.
BeachGrit: I felt like Snapper went perfectly
to script: eye-glazing early rounds, dazzling later rounds and
quarters and semis, then a final where it felt like everyone was
pretty over it, including the organisers and the waves. What
impressions were you left with?
Warshaw: Crushed at Filipe’s bad luck. Elated
that a doofus like Matt Wilkinson can win at the CT level.
Impressed but not overwhelmed by Stu Kennedy. Terrified at the
WSL’s Stalinist tactics against our free press. Where to start?
BeachGrit: What’s your take on Stu
Kennedy. Snapper is one wave where glitches in technique aren’t
immediately apparent. Do you think that he’s a victim of market
forces/surf industry conspiracy, as was the line in our contest
report, or that he had a very good run, one unlikely to be
repeated?
Warshaw: I’ve seen a couple of impressive
vid clips of Stu, and was amazed at how steady he looked up against
that murderer’s row he drew at Snapper. But for the moment, to me,
he’s just a huge question mark. Seems like his Tomos will go well
at Bells, and he’s a game little fucker from what I hear. But the
Box, or North Point? Or Teahupoo, Cloudbreak, Pipe? Who knows? And
that’s the great part. If he gets a start in all the events this
year, it’ll be worth tuning in just to see how the kid from the
sticks does against all that hardened talent, at all those
spirit-crushing breaks. Snapper no doubt was the easiest possible
entry point for Stu. I’d bet he has the talent to back it up from
here to Pipe, but maybe that’s coming from just so badly wanting to
see things get shaken up. Did your heart break a little when Filipe
went down?
BeachGrit: Did my heart break? Everything
broke. Filipe held the event in his hand. Do you like Rosy calling
him Phillip Toledo?
Warshaw: Rosy could read the latest Donald
Trump latest poll numbers and I’d still like her.
BeachGrit: How about Wilko winning?
Warshaw: Watching Wilko get the result as
he was leaving the water, it was like Christmas morning. The joy
and relief on his face. I could not stop smiling. Wilko gets to
slide his hairy softness into the yellow jersey at Bells, and pro
surfing at this moment is so great.
BeachGrit: Wilko for the 2016 world title?
Warshaw: Longshot, but not impossible! Bells
suits him. J-Bay suits him. Big, hollow lefts. Lowers is
Snapper-like enough that you’d give him a shot there, too. I don’t
think he has the head for a year-long campaign, but who knows?
Potter fucked off a bunch of years on tour drinking and drugging
than went on that crazy world title tear. Wilko could do the
same.
BeachGrit: Could Wilko be surfing’s first great
gay icon? Is he big in San Francisco, you think? Among the bears?
And while we’re on gay types, who is a cub, an otter, a jock,
a panda, a Koala Bear, wolf, a twink and a mink? Am I
obsessed? I feel like I’ve wandered down this path before.
Warshaw: Stoners, frat boys, Newport
Beach single moms – honestly, there isn’t a demographic out there
that doesn’t love Matt Wilkinson. Let’s change topics. WSL put a
hit on the BeachGrit Facebook account? Can we talk about
that?
BeachGrit: …oh, that! I was under the
impression that if a post was left intact, with commentary, no
added music, and maybe a positive comment, we could run it. I’m a
fan! I love pro surfing! Filipe gets a ten! Of course I want to run
a clip of it. Boom. Down comes the hammer. Three days
suspension from FB. Catastrophic, traffic-wise. But, I do
understand the reasoning. It’s why websites have private video
players. If you want it, you only get it from one source. …but
it did make me very sad. The WSL’s Dave Prodan, whom I love to
bits, apologised but rules are rules etc.
Warshaw: If I may translate. This was a petty,
counterproductive, horseshit move by the WSL. Derek, apparently
you’ve lost the will to fight. But Chas and Rory, I trust, are at
this moment sharpening their pitchforks, and I eagerly look forward
the two of them rushing the WSL Fortress of Doom.
BeachGrit: You were so cruel to Brother before
this contest, and over his career. I’ve never fallen out of love
with him. Am I vindicated?
(At this point Matt sent one of his Tweets.)
Warshaw: Although, in truth, I was not greatly
impressed. Little more muscle this year, but still flicky for my
taste. In waves like Snapper, everything about Filipe makes Kolohe
look kinda softcock. To use Kong’s timeless expression. Kolohe
I bet would be the first to say that to one degree or another, in
CT level competition, he checks all his turns. Not a lot, but
enough to see with the naked eye. Filipe and Stu both kept the rail
buried longer. “Softcock” is too harsh for what Kolohe was doing.
Kong invented it I believe for Mike Parsons.
BeachGrit: So quick to prostrate yourself!
Like me and the WSL! Tell me, were you enchanted by Matt
Wilkinson’s backhand? I believe, his top to bottom, is superior to
Gabriel’s. Do you agree?
Warshaw: No, but you couldn’t live on the
difference.
BeachGrit: Tell me, five things good, five
things bad about the Quiksilver Pro and any portents for the 2016
season.
Warshaw:
GOOD
– Stu Kennedy and the return (or invention of?) the blue-collar
shitkicking WCT surfer
– Steve Shearer and Sean Doherty’s fast, funny, smart
analysis
– Twitter banter
– Tyler Wright’s silk-over-brick abs
– improved camera work from WSL
BAD
– Filipe’s injury
– those post-victory shots of Tyler Wright, when she was hugging
Owen. He looked thin and frail, and it was heartbreaking
– continued WSL employment for Strider, Turpel, Potter
– Filipe and two or three others aside, the performance level
unimproved from last year
– the shadow of Bells a-creeping
– WSL bitches be snitching
PORTENT
– Slater being cast, inch by agonizing inch, from the world tour
spotlight
– Adriano in the driver’s seat for another world title
– Wilko in yellow through Margret’s.
– four-woman race for the world title
– a quick and deserved return to the void for the banana
board
