“Filipe makes Kolohe look soft-cock!”

And other possibly unwarranted observations by Matt Warshaw from the Quiksilver Pro… 

You know perfectly well who Matt Warshaw is. Former pro surfer, former Surfer editor turned author turned surfing historian. 

Often, we’ll have an email back and forth about whatever is making noise. Do you remember when he called Pottz a “bully” and Joe Turpel “blank”?

Or when Kelly revealed his pool and he said, “Wavegarden just went Betamax! Wavegarden execs are standing on office building ledges, crying, looking down at the sidewalk!”

I was interested, therefore, what Warshaw made of the Quiksilver Pro, given his prolific tweeting and his loose mouth.

BeachGrit: I felt like Snapper went perfectly to script: eye-glazing early rounds, dazzling later rounds and quarters and semis, then a final where it felt like everyone was pretty over it, including the organisers and the waves. What impressions were you left with?

Warshaw: Crushed at Filipe’s bad luck. Elated that a doofus like Matt Wilkinson can win at the CT level. Impressed but not overwhelmed by Stu Kennedy. Terrified at the WSL’s Stalinist tactics against our free press. Where to start?

BeachGrit: What’s your take on Stu Kennedy. Snapper is one wave where glitches in technique aren’t immediately apparent. Do you think that he’s a victim of market forces/surf industry conspiracy, as was the line in our contest report, or that he had a very good run, one unlikely to be repeated?

Warshaw: I’ve seen a couple of impressive vid clips of Stu, and was amazed at how steady he looked up against that murderer’s row he drew at Snapper. But for the moment, to me, he’s just a huge question mark. Seems like his Tomos will go well at Bells, and he’s a game little fucker from what I hear. But the Box, or North Point? Or Teahupoo, Cloudbreak, Pipe? Who knows? And that’s the great part. If he gets a start in all the events this year, it’ll be worth tuning in just to see how the kid from the sticks does against all that hardened talent, at all those spirit-crushing breaks. Snapper no doubt was the easiest possible entry point for Stu. I’d bet he has the talent to back it up from here to Pipe, but maybe that’s coming from just so badly wanting to see things get shaken up. Did your heart break a little when Filipe went down?

BeachGrit: Did my heart break? Everything broke. Filipe held the event in his hand. Do you like Rosy calling him Phillip Toledo?

Warshaw: Rosy could read the latest Donald Trump latest poll numbers and I’d still like her.

BeachGrit: How about Wilko winning?

Warshaw: Watching Wilko get the result as he was leaving the water, it was like Christmas morning. The joy and relief on his face. I could not stop smiling. Wilko gets to slide his hairy softness into the yellow jersey at Bells, and pro surfing at this moment is so great.

BeachGrit: Wilko for the 2016 world title?

Warshaw: Longshot, but not impossible! Bells suits him. J-Bay suits him. Big, hollow lefts. Lowers is Snapper-like enough that you’d give him a shot there, too. I don’t think he has the head for a year-long campaign, but who knows? Potter fucked off a bunch of years on tour drinking and drugging than went on that crazy world title tear. Wilko could do the same.

BeachGrit: Could Wilko be surfing’s first great gay icon? Is he big in San Francisco, you think? Among the bears? And while we’re on gay types, who is a cub, an otter, a jock, a panda, a Koala Bear, wolf, a twink and a mink? Am I obsessed? I feel like I’ve wandered down this path before.

Warshaw: Stoners, frat boys, Newport Beach single moms – honestly, there isn’t a demographic out there that doesn’t love Matt Wilkinson. Let’s change topics. WSL put a hit on the BeachGrit Facebook account? Can we talk about that?

BeachGrit: …oh, that! I was under the impression that if a post was left intact, with commentary, no added music, and maybe a positive comment, we could run it. I’m a fan! I love pro surfing! Filipe gets a ten! Of course I want to run a clip of it. Boom. Down comes the hammer. Three days suspension from FB. Catastrophic, traffic-wise. But, I do understand the reasoning. It’s why websites have private video players. If you want it, you only get it from one source. …but it did make me very sad. The WSL’s Dave Prodan, whom I love to bits, apologised but rules are rules etc.

Warshaw: If I may translate. This was a petty, counterproductive, horseshit move by the WSL. Derek, apparently you’ve lost the will to fight. But Chas and Rory, I trust, are at this moment sharpening their pitchforks, and I eagerly look forward the two of them rushing the WSL Fortress of Doom.

BeachGrit: You were so cruel to Brother before this contest, and over his career. I’ve never fallen out of love with him. Am I vindicated?

(At this point Matt sent one of his Tweets.)

Warshaw: Although, in truth, I was not greatly impressed. Little more muscle this year, but still flicky for my taste. In waves like Snapper, everything about Filipe makes Kolohe look kinda softcock. To use Kong’s timeless expression. Kolohe I bet would be the first to say that to one degree or another, in CT level competition, he checks all his turns. Not a lot, but enough to see with the naked eye. Filipe and Stu both kept the rail buried longer. “Softcock” is too harsh for what Kolohe was doing. Kong invented it I believe for Mike Parsons.

BeachGrit: So quick to prostrate yourself! Like me and the WSL! Tell me, were you enchanted by Matt Wilkinson’s backhand? I believe, his top to bottom, is superior to Gabriel’s. Do you agree?

Warshaw: No, but you couldn’t live on the difference.

BeachGrit: Tell me, five things good, five things bad about the Quiksilver Pro and any portents for the 2016 season.

Warshaw:

GOOD

– Stu Kennedy and the return (or invention of?) the blue-collar shitkicking WCT surfer

– Steve Shearer and Sean Doherty’s fast, funny, smart analysis

– Twitter banter

– Tyler Wright’s silk-over-brick abs

– improved camera work from WSL

BAD

– Filipe’s injury

– those post-victory shots of Tyler Wright, when she was hugging Owen. He looked thin and frail, and it was heartbreaking

– continued WSL employment for Strider, Turpel, Potter

– Filipe and two or three others aside, the performance level unimproved from last year

– the shadow of Bells a-creeping

– WSL bitches be snitching

PORTENT

– Slater being cast, inch by agonizing inch, from the world tour spotlight

– Adriano in the driver’s seat for another world title

– Wilko in yellow through Margret’s.

– four-woman race for the world title

– a quick and deserved return to the void for the banana board