Parker: 6 Predictions for the Quik Pro!

Adriano will win Snapper! Gabriel the world title!

Snapper’s almost here! Hurrah! Makes my job easier, pick apart every bad decision, none of this sit-in-front-of-the-computer-and-wrack-my-brain-for-ideas-before-giving-up-and-just-writing-about-myself. Or, you know, less of it. Little fascinates me as much as myself.

For today, let’s make some predictions.  I know I did one of these a while back, but there’s no shame in recycling ideas. Or, if there is, I don’t feel it.

If I’m wrong, oh well, I’ll just never mention it again. But if I’m right… oh boy! I can say, “See, see seeeeee! I told ya’ so.

ADS will win Snapper: The forecast looks like it’s gonna be small, the WSL didn’t revamp scoring criteria, and his #1 spot will feed him green ‘QS kids in the early rounds. He’ll build momentum, sit on people once he gains the lead, and end up shipping home a didgeridoo.
Oh, and Mick’ll go out on round tww.

Medina will win the title: With his sophomore slump behind him he’ll shake out the butterflies and go back to form. One of the best surfers on tour, a murderous grip on heat tactics, and a solid, if not death defying, game in waves of consequence. I’m tempted to give the nod to Filipe, but unless he’s spent some time with a sports psychologist in the off season I don’t think he’ll bring it at the scary stops.

Injuries, injuries, injuries: 2015 mangled bodies. Banting, Bede, Owen, JJ, Jordy, Flores, Bourez, and Simpo all missed events due to injury last year. No surprise, modern high performance surfing tears your ass apart.

2016 ain’t getting easier, and the surfers aren’t getting any younger. The only question is which guy’s gonna get drug screaming from the water with an exploded knee and a dead career. (I’m guessing Banting.)

Cali ain’t got a chance: Life’s just too damn easy if you grow up within a stone’s throw of the SoCal surf industry ghetto. You gotta be hungry to win it. Yeah, Conner and Kanoa surf real good, but I just don’t see the magic. Winning ‘QS events isn’t an indicator of success, every guy on tour won ’em. Kolohe doesn’t have it, try as he might, and Nat Young is looking at a journeyman career. Top ten finishes for life, but he’ll never clutch the top spot.

Speaking of Kanoa Igarashi, ya’ ever seen this picture of Stu Kennedy throttling him?

Great stuff! (Thanks to James B for posting this on his site. I’d’ve never known about I otherwise.)

If I wanted to be a real dick, and I do, I’m calling Igarashi a one-and-done. Too small, needs to pack on some mass before he can be a real contender. Which could happen, I guess. Young certainly started surfing better once his body toned down the lankiness.

This will be the last year we see the WCT in its current form: Grossly inflated viewership numbers aside, it’s hard to see the WSL as anything but a sinking ship. Failure to find an event sponsor for J-Bay is mind boggling. A surfer nearly got eaten by a shark last year! How can you fail to sell that angle? If there’s one thing non-surfers will tune in for it’s the chance for a taste of blood. Fiji still languishes unloved as well. And Target has kicked the women to the curb.

In it’s current form the WSL is trying too hard to be cool, blasé. But we all know there’s nothing cool about trying to be so. Hip cats don’t give a shit what anyone thinks, they just do their thing and others marvel.

But you can’t focus group that shit, so I’m calling X Games level zaniness. Explosions and brightly colored graphics, and an ever increasing level of hyperbole.

You’ll hear the words “wrap,” “jam,” and “knife” so many times it’ll make you want to smash your dick with a hammer just so you can be momentarily distracted from the total lack of vocabulary the commentary team employs. Seriously, guys, we’ve got a rick fucking lexicon and tons of proper words to describe maneuvers. I know you know ’em. Use them, please.