Includes Weisner penis clamp and a PicoBong vibrating butt plug!
We’re slightly less than a month out from Rio! Can you smell the excitement? Is that what excitement smells like? Sewage and poverty and rampant corruption? If only you could bottle it…
I love Brazilians. They get a bad rap. They might be loud, obnoxious, have terrible etiquette in the lineup, but no more so than your typical Californian. Maybe less. I’ve never heard one moaning about “racism” in Hawaii, bumps them up a few notches in my book.
The Oi Rio Pro will probably suck, which is too bad. Brazil deserves a world-class event. They love their sports, love to surf, are churning out contest talent at a breakneck pace.
An emerging market, kinda. Not sure how much money can be sucked out of a country that seems to suffer an economic collapse every ten minutes. But I guess it depends how you look at things. Trickle down nonsense helping everyone? Probably not. Economic disparity enriching a few at the cost of the majority? Okay, yeah, I can see that.
We know the water’s poison, we also know the WSL plays ball. ‘QS events failing to pay off competitors in a timely manner is shocking. Rule book requires the WSL receive the bread in advance. Nothing wrong with sweetheart deals in support of a struggling venue. Wave the sanctioning costs, subsidize entrance fees, that’d be great. Not cool to place the burden on athletes’ backs. Especially when the amount involved is a pittance.
But Brazil is Brazil. Bunch of rich assholes chase money while fucking everyone else. Sounds familiar.
Will the rumored competitor boycott happen? I doubt it.
Will someone get sick? Probably.
Will they be able to prove it was related to water quality?
I’d ask my lawyer, but I already know the answer. Fifteen minutes of hemming and hawing wrapped up with an, “It’s up to the courts to decide.”
With the difficulty inherent in pursuing a legal judgment against a US corporation operating on foreign soil, it’s up to the competitors to protect themselves. They could band together, stage a revolt, refuse to surf. But that’s unlikely to happen. Getting a bunch of independent contractor competitors to cooperate with each other is difficult. Especially since surfing was effectively union busted a couple years back.
Instead, better to look to personal protection. Since you can’t surf in a bio-hazard suit something needs to be assembled piecemeal.
Which is why I am introducing the BeachGrit approved Oi Rio Pro competitor kit. We’re not being paid to endorse any of the following product. Really. You can trust BeachGrit. We’d never stoop so low as to shill for a product we didn’t believe in.
Like, say, a leash with magnets in the cuff produced by a company with whom we’ve partnered to produce cinch-top “waterman” backpacks.
If you’re gonna stay healthy, you better seal up those head holes!
…with…
Speedo Vanquisher Optical Swim Goggles ()
But don’t forget, your only openings aren’t the ones up top! If you want to protect yourself from all the creepy crawlies looking to worm their way into your insides you’ve gotta seal yourself up tighter than the North Korean border.
PicoBong Vibrating Buttplug. Probably want to leave the batteries out during your heat, but you can do what you want. I’m not the boss of you.
Though I will recommend that the ladies each pick up a pair.
I’m brazzo, and, in my mind, as I travelled the world chasing good waves, it’s weird to have an event here. Brazil is the worst place in the world for surfing. We have a place 100km from Rio called Saquarema where we have waves for WSL but that place has some issues… The Rio event is the only event that i don’t watch nor on the web nor on the beach. As such, I don’t care if WSL decide to cut off the Rio de Janeiro stop from tour.
Bottle it? No, but you can embody it. He has one slick wave haircut, wears really expensive suits, and when he opens his mouth literal shit comes out. Whom, you ask? Well…our dear Sir Donald Trump of course.
“PicoBong Vibrating Buttplug. Probably want to leave the batteries out during your heat, but you can do what you want. I’m not the boss of you”. – This sentence… i like it
he did fuck up “waive”, so i doubt it
I don`t get all the complaining every fucking year, just accept that this is gonna be a shit show over and over until they move it to Saquarema about 120kms north. But as they say, “no money no honey”
Will someone get sick? Probably.
Will they be able to prove it was related to water quality? Never, Olympics are right around the corner
Yes.
Isn’t there some thing about drinking coke or diet coke after surfing in filthy water that helps kill the shit in your stomach? I can’t remember where I heard that one!
Bruising is often conflated for inflammation.
Nop, it was Jorge Amado
We just took the “brazil has shitty waves” slogan to a whole new level!
Team manager homie was there last year. Said everybody was sick, but nobody said anything. He paddled out on his second morning and got a sore throat the rest of the trip.
All good Rory but Blu tack is the shit and way cheaper than Docs plugs – those things fall out.
Then you could wrap it around the peepee and stick it up your arse as well!!.
The only problem will be remembering which orifice you stuck it in, so may get sick anyway!!
So you get depactus if your not careful?
*you’re funny
Is the pollution problem partly due to all the men, women and unknowns of Brazil wearing g-banger’s and their shit escaping their underwear every time they enter the water? Hawaii is next. Alana’s bum hole has been winking on every duck dive.
Except Alana excrements flowers
come back to this thread for a moment and see greatness…
bruno santos today, our local, 40min from rio…
Pretty sick. write to my new account from now on mate. This one is fucken dead.
…now you have something to claim for rio pro venue shifting, stab cunts! #wildcardforbruno
Paddle?
I doubt, no channel…
I’d rather Bruno get the wildcard for Chopes or Fiji…..he is a legit ripper in real waves….Rio is a waste of his time….. It will be 4 ft at 8 sec
I recon Milko should become a legend and say fuck the ratings and indeed wear a bio hazard suit in his heat. After the loss he can be interviewed fully suited sounding like Darth Vader with Micro squeaking stuff in between.