Should Wimbledon take place on cracked public concrete?
Wake up, check my email, Rio ran.
Good, great, grand! Clicked on the analyzer, surf looks kind of fun. I’d paddle out. In those conditions. Not in Rio, where everyone agrees the water is poison.
Well, not everyone. Only scientists and competitors and locals. People looking to earn a buck, the WSL/IOC, they say it’s fine. Don’t worry. You’re far more likely to die from stray gunfire between heats than some crazy waterborne illness.
And, you know, say a pro catches some mystery bug that ruins his body, makes his cock rot off? They’d probably name it after him. That’d be neat.
“I’m sorry to tell you, you’ve got a bad case of Desouzitis.”
“But that is my name, Doctor!”
“I know. I just made it up. Kind of cool, right? Also, your dick is gonna fall off.”
Maybe that’s a bit over the top. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I just drive around in a van offering free pap smears. Never actually claim to possess medical training. Not my fault if women assume.
Watched Adriano three tap the first wave of the day for a 6.33. Mel calling it from behind the mic.
“Exciting, electric, fast, crisp. All of those adjectives that describe the type of surfing we see from Adriano. No mistakes whatsoever there. Gets three maneuvers done, I think that’s a great way to start.”
Okay, so that’s how it’s gonna go. The Condor drew turd polishing duty. Term’s never been more literal.
“This is the kind of thing, you know, you would find at your home beach. Right? That’s the kind of wave here. And that’s why it belongs on the tour. I beat on this a lot. I apologize for all you folks in there, you know? Because there’s a lot of people who feel like Brazil shouldn’t be here. But I believe, truly, that this is a part of the year where you get to see what these world’s best would do on a beach break that you have around your house. Right? You’re not gonna have Fiji draining, you’re not gonna have Tahiti in your backyard, you’re not gonna have all, uh, all of these other breaks. You know, J Bay. But you will have something similar to this.”
Good rhetoric. Solid talking point to trot out when the surf sucks. Unfortunate reality of competitive surfing. Waves come or they don’t. Always a chance a stop’ll get skunked.
But, you know, it’s not exactly something to go looking for. If surfing is a real sport, and I guess we’re pretending it is, if the surfers are the best in the world, which I think we can agree that they mostly are, dropping them into the mundane reality of the everyman’s life don’t make much sense.
Should Wimbledon take place on cracked public concrete? Would the NFL ever schedule playoff games at terribly maintained high school fields? Would NBA players be willing to risk their joints on wobbly asphalt? Stake their careers on net-less tilted rims?
Of course not. Because no one wants to see the world’s best compete in average conditions. And the WSL knows that. If they didn’t they’d put far more effort into broadcasting the ‘QS.
Pretending Brazil is ideal, that we tune in for some sort of how-to-surf-slop tutorial is damn disingenuous. We want to see the fantasy. World’s best in the world’s best.
I think we all understand the economic aspirations inherent in the Brazilian leg. Rio’s presence on tour has nothing to do with providing entertaining viewing. Efforts to convince the public otherwise shows just how stupid the WSL thinks we are. Or how little they care whether we like what we see.
Maybe they just think we’ll keep tuning in, regardless of what’s on offer. All the talk is targeted at the non-surfers supposedly watching. Make them think it’s exciting, then it is!
That approach could work, it’s not like they know what they’re looking at. Tested the concept on my wife, the only non-surfer within arm’s reach. Showed her Medina’s ten. Asked what she thought.
“That just looks like one of those whoopity-doos they all do. Is that like technical, or something I’m not aware of?”
Oi Rio Pro Men’s Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 13.00 def. Bino Lopes (BRA) 4.96
Heat 2: Deivid Silva (BRA) 14.73 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 14.50
Heat 3: Dusty Payne (HAW) 13.93 def. Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.34
Heat 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 19.40 def. Alex Ribeiro (BRA) 7.90
Heat 5: Jack Freestone (AUS) 14.57 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 11.77
Heat 6: Matt Banting (AUS) 14.76 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 14.66
Heat 7: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.33 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 11.86
Heat 8: Caio Ibelli (BRA) 10.73 def. Jadson Andre (BRA) 10.27
Heat 9: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 13.30 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 11.73
Heat 10: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 14.17 def. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 11.44
Heat 11: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 15.33 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.27
Heat 12: Michel Bourez (PYF) 13.50 def. Conner Coffin (USA) 11.74
Oi Rio Pro Men’s Round 3 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
Heat 3: Nat Young (USA) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 4: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 5: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) vs. Davey Cathels (AUS)
Heat 6: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Lucas Silveira (BRA)
Heat 7: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Marco Fernandez (BRA)
Heat 8: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
Heat 9: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 10: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Jack Freestone (HAW)
Heat 11: Michel Bourez (PYF) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)
Heat 12: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)