Don't look down, baby!

Movie: Mason Ho’s Dry Reef Hula!

Episode 5, License to Chill… Rock Lobsters!

More Mason! Yes! More shallow hell to the right of Rockpiles.

(Watch episode five, License to Chill, Rock Lobsters here…)

Wonder if it’ll get crowded next Winter? Shouldn’t. Too gnarly. Probably will. Kids are gonna show up, living the NS dream on Daddy’s dime.

I’m sure the lifeguards are gonna enjoy scraping wannabe Rick Kanes off the reef. Patch up some boo-boos.

I have a buddy who played drums for Guttermouth. Lived the punk rock dream. Toured the world, made a little money.

Great guy, love him to death. Sold out out hard though. Does SEO stuff these days. Makes a killer living helping to ruin the internet.

I’m spending my day learning about the 24 hours of Le Mans. Some crazy car race where dudes drive 200 mph for an entire day. Batshit stuff.

A website is paying me to write about it. They like my rambling nonsense contest coverage. Want me to do something similar about cars. I told ’em, “I don’t know shit about cars, much less racing.”

They said, “That’s fine. Here’s some money.”

I said, “Right on. Are you sure you want stories about my wife sucking me off? Because that’s what you’re gonna get.”

They said, “That’s probably a bit much.”

Fine by me. I’ll just write about butt stuff instead.


Rememer me wsl? Jus come home....

Dear WSL…….Fuck off! I hate you!

Wait, wait! I didn’t mean it…I’m soooo sorry. Just come home.

Hey babee…

its been a long time, huh. Yah ive been fine. Juss doin m’thang.

What?

Hav I bin drinking?

Psssht. No.

Jus havin one thats all.

It’s alwyas lik that with you now that your WSL tho. Your so judgy! Back when you were ASSP you were cool. You partied. Now your all like, “Your drunk! Blab blah blah. And mean!”

Well, you now what? FUCK YOU! I never loved you anywyas an agreed with bobby martinez when he called u a tennis tour!

Baby, oh bayby! I didn’t mean that! Are you still ther? I swear I dint mean any of that. I just miss you thats all.

I misss you so much. I remember when I used to log on and there you were havin a contest an I’d watch and be so entertainment. Jus lovin those waves. Listining to Joe Purple talk about off the tops and closing my eyes when Pots starts droning about…about…whatthehell does he even say? But it don matter. I miss him. I miss you. I miss us.

R u ever gonna cum back from Fiji?

Did you meet someone there or something? Someoen else? WELL FUCK YOU! YOUR FAT LIKE BELLS AND MARGART RIVER COMBINED!

Wait! Sweety! Sweety that wasnt me talking. That was just my jealousy becuz I love you so so so much.

And miss you.

I miss Ron Burgandy and the way he talks Australin. He’s so handsome. HE’S SO FUCKING HANDSOME! And Ross…Ross….Ross….whas his last name? Ross Geller? Ross….? Perot? Wahtever. HE knows his shit and his voice is so tender…I can picture him talking to me late at night. Telling me storiesa bout when he n Kelly Slater used to slumber party and…

What?

Am I havin another rdrink?

Pssssssssssht. No.

Ive only had six.

Vodkas

But why do you care? You don’t fucken care. You don’t even call anymore. Your just there in Fiji having fun and playing with pool toys and getting a mohawk and forgetting about all the peope who really love you. So you know what? You know what?

FUCK YOU! JUST STAY THERE FOREVER! JUST STAY THERE WITH YOUR MOHAWK BECAUSE I”VE MET SOMEONE ELSE AND HER NAME IS RED BULL!

Oh honey! Wait wait wait wait wait. Honey! I didn’t mean it. I dint even DO anything with Red Bull. I just logged on a couple days ago just to see if you were there and you werent but she was in Australia on this big slab and…and…and….It meant nothing. Ok. It was jus becuz I’m loney

and miss you.

Come home. Well work it out.

I promise.

Paul Speaker + Chas Smith 4 eva.


Nostalgia: The Mighty Surf Club!

Are you part of one? Do you wish you were?

You have surf clubs in Australia, do you not? Lifesaving clubs? Are those the same thing? In the United States we have neither (I think). We have ourselves alone and maybe our friends. Maybe but probably not.

Surfing is a solitary experience here, or it is for me. I rarely/never surf with others. If I happen to run into someone in the water it is a pleasant surprise and I think to myself, “I should surf with X more often…” But I never do. I never call and set up surf dates.

And so it is with great jealousy that I look at this extended surf date footage that historian Matt Warshaw of the Encyclopedia of Surfing cobbled together of the Windansea Surf Club circa 1960something. How much fun does it look like they’re having in those red jackets? It looks like they are having the monster time of their young lives!

They surf, travel, waterski, tire roll, laugh and drink all together! It looks very enjoyable and stylish too but maybe that is only the gauze of nostalgia. It looks fun enough, in any case, to make me want to be part of a surf club. I would embroider my nickname on a red jacket. I would be a joiner for once in my life as opposed to a cranky naysayer!

But you have them in Australia, no? Or Lifesaving clubs? Can you tell me, before I start searching for belonging, if they are super lame?


"A funny moment hit me there when the one-legged Brazilian charger, one handed charger Bethany Hamilton and me, deaf Israeli guy
, were sharing the same line up," recalls Ido. "I laughed and asked Dane Gudang, 'Is it international handicapped surfers' day?'"

Deaf Jew Charges Monster Fiji!

Ido Dar-el is the most precious thing alive!

Last year I wrote about a deaf Jewish big-wave stud called Ido Dar-el.

Oh this infinitely precious object could squeeze every last ounce of sympathy out of you: his ancestors were shovelled into ovens by the German war machine (and enthusiastic French, Ukrainians and Poles), his little country has been besieged by genocidal foes since its birth, and both of Ido’s ear-drums were wiped out by a virus when he was a baby.

But does Ido weep? No! He charges!

And that May swell at Cloudbreak that nearly stole Aaron Gold? Ido was there!

And not just having a punter’s swing but lacing tubes. Ido didn’t exactly plan on landing in Fiji right when the cauldron was bubbling but when you compile your quiver (6’3″, 6’8″, 7’6″) a year before and buy your plane ticket six months in advance (it ain’t cheap flying from Israel) you ride what you get.

Let’s talk (via email for obvious reasons), big, then bigger.

First,

“We scored the perfect swell with Reef McIntosh, Balaram Stack and Ryan Burch. There were so many sudden-death outside sets that would mow anyone off guard, snapping leashes and boards. Jon Roseman got the best, biggest, deepest bowl from first section standing tall all the way to the channel with his classic red board and leash on front leg. No one photographed it but it is embedded on my brain cells.”

Then, says Ido, “the forecast map began to turn … and my eyes began to bulge.”

Ido begged an old pal for a nine-six, who refused, and ended up with a couple of eight-foot plus boards he found under a house on the Fijian mainland where he was staying.

That night Ido was struck by the realisation that he was going to “surf this fucking outer ledge. I took a deep breath to clear my mind and went to the village church. I didn’t care  being Jewish. A holy place is a holy place. It was also the birthday night of my deceased brother so I asked him for a safe session. At midnight I went back to my bure, took off my hearing aids and switched off my mind and body.”

Ido describes the view at Cloudbreak on the big Monday.

“In the morning, when I loaded the boards in the boat, I was told that a Hawaiian surfer from Maui had drowned and was getting his chest pumped on the Tavarua boat. A Maui guy? Peahi expert? How big is it? On the way to Cloudbreak you could see foam explosions above the judges tower but not the waves, justifying the name. The whole sea was moving even in the protected lagoon. The moment we arrived to the line up I could see Coconut Willy hell-drop into a wave so big it looked like a cliff suicide jump. Willy disappeared in the foam blast behind him. He came to the boat with a torn MCL. Was I afraid after Aaron’s drowning and Willy’s ruined knee? Well, my brain lit up, analysing every detail.”

“Mark Healey got some absolutely insane bombs and and Damien too. Both risked going inside the sweet spot where the growers were. The whole reef to the judge’s tower was covered in a thick layer of gurgling foam that wouldn’t let you out till the other side. It didn’t feel right or clean enough to even paddle but after few hours the line-up cleared a bit and there were less surfers.”

The whole channel, says Ido, was “a rodeo competition. No boat could anchor or stay put in one place. The water moved so violently. The lineup was wonky with huge foamy outside sets with in-between, barfing, gigantic bowls. People see perfect waves on video but being there it was like reverse super-maxed out Sunset. The outer ledge was evil, more lip than wave and bowling so fast on the reef that guys with big boards barely paddled em. The mid-section was so fat and heavy you needed a little spot to catch just before it bowled. Many sections were chandeliering in the middle or end section before draining all the water to shishkebabs. It meant getting a tube was a real life-and-death gamble because you never knew if you were going to exit cleanly.”

Ido watched and studied the movements of Koa Rothman, the McNamara brothers, Alex Gray, Mark Healey, Jamie Sterling and Damien Hobgood.

“Mark Healey got some absolutely insane bombs and and Damien too. Both risked going inside the sweet spot where the growers were. The whole reef to the judge’s tower was covered in a thick layer of gurgling foam that wouldn’t let you out till the other side. It didn’t feel right or clean enough to even paddle but after few hours the line-up cleared a bit and there were less surfers.”

And, so, with his dirty eight-two that he’d recovered from under a house, and a vest, Ido jumped off the boat.

“I took 30 minutes in the boat seeing my whole surfing life 30 years ago as a kid in little stormy waves at Israel promising myself to get real ones someday. Then I looked at Cloudbreak, said ‘I love you, please don’t kill me.’

“I drifted, sitting on my board, closer to Alex Gray and between sets I told him I’d lost a brother too and it’s his birthday so it was really special for me to sit with him (Alex lost a brother too). Alex looked at me, trying to understand, then smiled and told me that it was his brother’s birthday. I got teary eyes and I was laughing at the same time. Crazy! Our brothers gave us a big gift to love and live life fully. We shaked hands and hugged a bit. Then I left him alone to concentrate on the waves. I tried position up there at the middle section but… man… seeing those mega outerledges was hypmotic. Both me and Alex were shouting and saluting those easily 20-feet plus spitting faces with others.”

Were the big-wave stars kind to our precious Deaf Jewish Big-Wave Stud?

“On big Monday all of them were dead on serious mode. It was incredible an experience for me to actually sit shoulder to shoulder and read their lips trying to follow Mark Healy and Greg Long recall Aaron Gold’s CPR. Damien Hobgood was like a kid, double hand-stalls to stay deeper. Mark Healey impressed me with his bullet speed runs all the way to the channel.”

Best moment?

“A funny moment hit me when the one-legged Brazilian charger, one-handed Bethany Hamilton and m, the deaf Israeli guy,
were  sharing the same line up. I laughed and asked Dane Gudang, ‘Goddamn, is it International Handicapped Surfers Day?'”

 


Ahhhhhh look at this cute little sheeple....

Peter King: “This is… terrorism!”

#tournotes Peter King gets political!

The gun debate roils America every time there is a mass shooting and is roiling it today after the country’s worst ever. Last night 50 people died and 53 more were injured inside an Orlando nightclub popular with the gay community. The shooter identified with ISIS and used an AR-15 assault rifle.

Facebook is the most popular place for people to emote, argue and try to sort through various truths and half truths. Your #tournotes host, Peter King, jumped into the fray this afternoon underneath a post that read:

Am I hearing and reading this correctly?? The shooter was investigated by the FBI, yet was able to purchase an automatic weapon and a handgun in the past week… AND if you’re gay you can’t donate blood in state of Florida?

King quickly responded:

And those are your takeaways? Murders never seem to be paying attention to gun laws! So frustrating.

As you can imagine, the post caught fire and it was King vs. All Comers, especially the “liberals” he seems to hold in very low regard…

Murderers will always get a gun, or a suicide vest, or whatever it takes. This is TERRORISM and it is too bad their (sp) wasn’t armed security in the club. People trying to make this about guns are head in the sand ignorant. Quick test: Did he ever shoot anyone else? Duh…Access to a gun doesn’t mean someone is going on a rampage, so maybe SOMETHING else was the reason? I assume liberals are frightened to say the word?

I could only guess, as I scrolled down, the word he means is either “Islam” or “Muslim” but didn’t have to wonder long as he added:

What a farce. Only the American LEFT can think a law will keep a murdering terrorist from getting a gun. Paris. Brussels. Orlando. Wake up sheeple.

And then…

It just seems ridiculous to me that a gun that millions of Americans own is what you are blaming on an ISLAMIC Radical that was deadset on killing a bunch of people. It was the person, not the weapon he chose.

And then, in between belittling and condescending…

Because an ISIS sympathizer chose to kill this way you blame the weapon? Haha Gotta love #LiberalLogic

And then…

Stop blaming guns for people’s actions.

And then…

Only a liberal could watch a terrorist act and blame a gun. Logic has left the building…

Etc.

Most mass shootings in the United States are not the work of Muslims. Columbine, Sandy Hook, Aurora etc. But do you agree with Peter King? Do you think that virtually unregulated gun ownership in this country has nothing to do with a very American problem? That Muslims/people kill people, not guns?

Or do you think what the fucking hell are you even on about? You really believe that? I mean, really?

Like, really really?

In 2016?

Really?

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for gun ownership. Give me Glock! Give me Kalashnikov! Give me ummmm water blaster! The more the merrier! I just think that any argument justifying how guns make people safer, why we need them, why if we outlaw them than only outlaws will have guns, etc. are so patently absurd as to be total comedy.

But that’s just me. What do you think?