Wait, wait! I didn’t mean it…I’m soooo sorry. Just
come home.
Hey babee…
its been a long time, huh. Yah ive been fine. Juss doin
m’thang.
What?
Hav I bin drinking?
Psssht. No.
Jus havin one thats all.
It’s alwyas lik that with you now that your WSL tho. Your so
judgy! Back when you were ASSP you were cool. You partied. Now your
all like, “Your drunk! Blab blah blah. And mean!”
Well, you now what? FUCK YOU! I never loved you anywyas an
agreed with bobby martinez when he called u a tennis tour!
Baby, oh bayby! I didn’t mean that! Are you still ther? I swear
I dint mean any of that. I just miss you thats all.
I misss you so much. I remember when I used to log on and there
you were havin a contest an I’d watch and be so entertainment. Jus
lovin those waves. Listining to Joe Purple talk about off the tops
and closing my eyes when Pots starts droning
about…about…whatthehell does he even say? But it don matter. I miss
him. I miss you. I miss us.
R u ever gonna cum back from Fiji?
Did you meet someone there or something? Someoen else? WELL FUCK
YOU! YOUR FAT LIKE BELLS AND MARGART RIVER COMBINED!
Wait! Sweety! Sweety that wasnt me talking. That was just my
jealousy becuz I love you so so so much.
And miss you.
I miss Ron Burgandy and the way he talks Australin. He’s so
handsome. HE’S SO FUCKING HANDSOME! And Ross…Ross….Ross….whas his
last name? Ross Geller? Ross….? Perot? Wahtever. HE knows his shit
and his voice is so tender…I can picture him talking to me late at
night. Telling me storiesa bout when he n Kelly Slater used to
slumber party and…
What?
Am I havin another rdrink?
Pssssssssssht. No.
Ive only had six.
Vodkas
But why do you care? You don’t fucken care. You don’t even call
anymore. Your just there in Fiji having fun and playing with pool
toys and getting a mohawk and forgetting about all the peope who
really love you. So you know what? You know what?
FUCK YOU! JUST STAY THERE FOREVER! JUST STAY THERE WITH YOUR
MOHAWK BECAUSE I”VE MET SOMEONE ELSE AND HER NAME IS RED
BULL!
Oh honey! Wait wait wait wait wait. Honey! I didn’t mean it. I
dint even DO anything with Red Bull. I just logged on a couple days
ago just to see if you were there and you werent but she was in
Australia on this big slab and…and…and….It meant nothing. Ok. It
was jus becuz I’m loney
and miss you.
Come home. Well work it out.
I promise.
Paul Speaker + Chas Smith 4 eva.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Nostalgia: The Mighty Surf Club!
By Chas Smith
Are you part of one? Do you wish you were?
You have surf clubs in Australia, do you not?
Lifesaving clubs? Are those the same thing? In the United States we
have neither (I think). We have ourselves alone and maybe our
friends. Maybe but probably not.
Surfing is a solitary experience here, or it is for me. I
rarely/never surf with others. If I happen to run into someone in
the water it is a pleasant surprise and I think to myself, “I
should surf with X more often…” But I never do. I never call and
set up surf dates.
And so it is with great jealousy that I look at this extended
surf date footage that historian Matt Warshaw of the
Encyclopedia of Surfing cobbled together of
the Windansea Surf Club circa 1960something. How much fun does it
look like they’re having in those red jackets? It looks like they
are having the monster time of their young lives!
They surf, travel, waterski, tire roll, laugh and drink all
together! It looks very enjoyable and stylish too but maybe that is
only the gauze of nostalgia. It looks fun enough, in any case, to
make me want to be part of a surf club. I would embroider my
nickname on a red jacket. I would be a joiner for once in my life
as opposed to a cranky naysayer!
But you have them in Australia, no? Or Lifesaving clubs? Can you
tell me, before I start searching for belonging, if they are super
lame?
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Deaf Jew Charges Monster Fiji!
By Derek Rielly
Ido Dar-el is the most precious thing alive!
Last year I wrote about a deaf Jewish big-wave
stud called Ido Dar-el.
Oh this infinitely precious
object could squeeze every last ounce of sympathy out
of you: his ancestors were shovelled into ovens by the German war
machine (and enthusiastic French, Ukrainians and Poles), his
little country has been besieged by genocidal foes since its
birth, and both of Ido’s ear-drums were wiped out by a virus when
he was a baby.
But does Ido weep? No! He charges!
And that May swell at Cloudbreak that nearly stole Aaron Gold?
Ido was there!
And not just having a punter’s swing but lacing tubes. Ido
didn’t exactly plan on landing in Fiji right when the cauldron was
bubbling but when you compile your quiver (6’3″, 6’8″, 7’6″) a year
before and buy your plane ticket six months in advance (it
ain’t cheap flying from Israel) you ride what you get.
Let’s talk (via email for obvious reasons), big, then
bigger.
First,
“We scored the perfect swell with Reef McIntosh, Balaram Stack
and Ryan Burch. There were so many sudden-death outside sets
that would mow anyone off guard, snapping leashes and boards. Jon
Roseman got the best, biggest, deepest bowl from first section
standing tall all the way to the channel with his classic red
board and leash on front leg. No one photographed it but it is
embedded on my brain cells.”
Then, says Ido, “the forecast map began to turn … and my
eyes began to bulge.”
Ido begged an old pal for a nine-six, who refused, and ended up
with a couple of eight-foot plus boards he found under a house on
the Fijian mainland where he was staying.
That night Ido was struck by the realisation that he was going
to “surf this fucking outer ledge. I took a deep breath to clear my
mind and went to the village church. I didn’t care being
Jewish. A holy place is a holy place. It was also the birthday
night of my deceased brother so I asked him for a safe
session. At midnight I went back to my bure, took off my
hearing aids and switched off my mind and body.”
Ido describes the view at Cloudbreak on the big Monday.
“In the morning, when I loaded the boards in the boat, I was
told that a Hawaiian surfer from Maui had drowned and was getting
his chest pumped on the Tavarua boat. A Maui guy? Peahi expert? How
big is it? On the way to Cloudbreak you could see foam
explosions above the judges tower but not the
waves, justifying the name. The whole sea was moving even
in the protected lagoon. The moment we arrived to the line up
I could see Coconut Willy hell-drop into a wave so big it looked
like a cliff suicide jump. Willy disappeared in the foam blast
behind him. He came to the boat with a torn MCL. Was I afraid after
Aaron’s drowning and Willy’s ruined knee? Well, my brain lit up,
analysing every detail.”
“Mark Healey got some absolutely insane bombs and and Damien
too. Both risked going inside the sweet spot where the growers
were. The whole reef to the judge’s tower was covered in a thick
layer of gurgling foam that wouldn’t let you out till the other
side. It didn’t feel right or clean enough to even paddle but
after few hours the line-up cleared a bit and there were less
surfers.”
The whole channel, says Ido, was “a rodeo competition. No boat
could anchor or stay put in one place. The water moved so
violently. The lineup was wonky with huge foamy outside sets with
in-between, barfing, gigantic bowls. People see perfect waves
on video but being there it was like reverse super-maxed out
Sunset. The outer ledge was evil, more lip than wave and bowling so
fast on the reef that guys with big boards barely paddled em. The
mid-section was so fat and heavy you needed a little spot to catch
just before it bowled. Many sections were chandeliering in the
middle or end section before draining all the water to shishkebabs.
It meant getting a tube was a real life-and-death gamble because
you never knew if you were going to exit cleanly.”
Ido watched and studied the movements of Koa Rothman, the
McNamara brothers, Alex Gray, Mark Healey, Jamie Sterling and
Damien Hobgood.
“Mark Healey got some absolutely insane bombs and and Damien
too. Both risked going inside the sweet spot where the growers
were. The whole reef to the judge’s tower was covered in a thick
layer of gurgling foam that wouldn’t let you out till the other
side. It didn’t feel right or clean enough to even paddle but
after few hours the line-up cleared a bit and there were less
surfers.”
And, so, with his dirty eight-two that he’d recovered from under
a house, and a vest, Ido jumped off the boat.
“I took 30 minutes in the boat seeing my whole surfing life
30 years ago as a kid in little stormy waves at Israel promising
myself to get real ones someday. Then I looked at Cloudbreak, said
‘I love you, please don’t kill me.’
“I drifted, sitting on my board, closer to Alex Gray and
between sets I told him I’d lost a brother too and it’s his
birthday so it was really special for me to sit with him (Alex
lost a brother too). Alex looked at me, trying to understand, then
smiled and told me that it was his brother’s
birthday. I got teary eyes and I was laughing at the same
time. Crazy! Our brothers gave us a big gift to love
and live life fully. We shaked hands and hugged a bit. Then I
left him alone to concentrate on the waves. I tried position
up there at the middle section but… man… seeing those mega
outerledges was hypmotic. Both me and Alex were shouting
and saluting those easily 20-feet plus spitting faces with
others.”
Were the big-wave stars kind to our precious Deaf Jewish
Big-Wave Stud?
“On big Monday all of them were dead on serious mode.
It was incredible an experience for me to actually sit
shoulder to shoulder and read their lips trying to follow Mark
Healy and Greg Long recall Aaron Gold’s CPR. Damien Hobgood
was like a kid, double hand-stalls to stay deeper. Mark Healey
impressed me with his bullet speed runs all the way to the
channel.”
Best moment?
“A funny moment hit me when the one-legged Brazilian
charger, one-handed Bethany Hamilton and m, the deaf Israeli
guy,
were sharing the same line up. I laughed and asked Dane
Gudang, ‘Goddamn, is it International Handicapped Surfers
Day?'”
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Peter King: “This is… terrorism!”
By Chas Smith
#tournotes Peter King gets political!
The gun debate roils America every time there
is a mass shooting and is roiling it today after the country’s
worst ever. Last night 50 people died and 53 more were injured
inside an Orlando nightclub popular with the gay community. The
shooter identified with ISIS and used an AR-15 assault rifle.
Facebook is the most popular place for people to emote, argue
and try to sort through various truths and half truths. Your
#tournotes host, Peter King, jumped into the fray this afternoon
underneath a post that read:
Am I hearing and reading this correctly?? The shooter was
investigated by the FBI, yet was able to purchase an automatic
weapon and a handgun in the past week… AND if you’re gay you can’t
donate blood in state of Florida?
King quickly responded:
And those are your takeaways? Murders never
seem to be paying attention to gun laws! So frustrating.
As you can imagine, the post caught fire and it was King vs. All
Comers, especially the “liberals” he seems to hold in very low
regard…
Murderers will always get a gun, or a suicide vest, or
whatever it takes. This is TERRORISM and it is too bad their (sp)
wasn’t armed security in the club. People trying to make this about
guns are head in the sand ignorant. Quick test: Did he ever shoot
anyone else? Duh…Access to a gun doesn’t mean someone is going on a
rampage, so maybe SOMETHING else was the reason? I assume liberals
are frightened to say the word?
I could only guess, as I scrolled down, the word he means is
either “Islam” or “Muslim” but didn’t have to wonder long as he
added:
What a farce. Only the American LEFT can think a law will
keep a murdering terrorist from getting a gun. Paris. Brussels.
Orlando. Wake up sheeple.
And then…
It just seems ridiculous to me that a gun that millions of
Americans own is what you are blaming on an ISLAMIC Radical that
was deadset on killing a bunch of people. It was the person, not
the weapon he chose.
And then, in between belittling and condescending…
Because an ISIS sympathizer chose to kill this way you blame
the weapon? Haha Gotta love #LiberalLogic
And then…
Stop blaming guns for people’s actions.
And then…
Only a liberal could watch a terrorist act and blame a gun.
Logic has left the building…
Etc.
Most mass shootings in the United States are not the work of
Muslims. Columbine, Sandy Hook, Aurora etc. But do you agree with
Peter King? Do you think that virtually unregulated gun ownership
in this country has nothing to do with a very American problem?
That Muslims/people kill people, not guns?
Or do you think what the fucking hell are you even on about? You
really believe that? I mean, really?
Like, really really?
In 2016?
Really?
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for gun ownership. Give me
Glock! Give me Kalashnikov! Give me ummmm water blaster! The more
the merrier! I just think that any argument justifying how guns
make people safer, why we need them, why if we outlaw them than
only outlaws will have guns, etc. are so patently absurd as to be
total comedy.
But that’s just me. What do you think?
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Surf star’s sexual violence threat!
By Rory Parker
And you thought being a judge at a women's QS event
would be…safe?
Richie Collins is a complicated
individual. Devoted Christian, hateful bigot, Trump supporter,
anti-immigrant, loving father who doesn’t hesitate to get
violent.
Lifelong resident of Orange County, the Arizona of
California.
His daughter, Meah, is an up-and-coming ripper. Sixteen years
old, one of OCWeekly’s People of the Year.
Solid big-wave game, good contest ability. Enough skill to compete
with the lower ranked women on the ‘CT.
Still not at that Carissa/ Defay/ Wright/ Etc. level. But very
good. Very young, plenty of time to tighten her game.
Meah’s down in Cabo competing. In the Junior event as well as
the Pro. Doing well. Semis, so far, in the juniors. Knocked out in
round five against the pros. Edged out by Malia Manuel, lost by .3.
Solid result for a teenager.
Close heat, but I didn’t see it. Slow event, small surf. Running
in the background at the moment and the commentators are playing
rock/paper/scissors to decide where they’re going drinking tonight.
Background noises sound suspiciously like cracking beers.
No heat analyzer for the non-CT comps, can’t watch Meah lose.
Don’t know how close it really was.
But Papa Bear ain’t having it. His little girl got burned. He’s
an unhappy daddy. Makes sense. Tensions run high in youth
sports.
Just learned that you can see the edit history of Facebook
posts. Excited at first, couldn’t wait to see how he’d toned down
the comment. Lo and behold, Richie ramped it up.
A homophobic Christian threatening sexual violence may seem odd
at first glance. But it’s not a gay thing, really. It’s about
power. About establishing dominance.
And maybe it’ll help Meah in the future. When it’s too close to
call, when the judges are agonizing over who deserves the win,
they’ll hesitate for a second.
“Oh man, we’d better let Meah through.”
“Why? It’s super close.”
“If she doesn’t make the heat her dad’s gonna jam his cock down
our throats. He’s willing to go to prison for it.”
“Really? That’s fucking crazy.”
“I know. But, jeez, I tried that shit back in college. It really
ain’t for me.”
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros