Wait, wait! I didn’t mean it…I’m soooo sorry. Just come home.
Hey babee…
its been a long time, huh. Yah ive been fine. Juss doin m’thang.
What?
Hav I bin drinking?
Psssht. No.
Jus havin one thats all.
It’s alwyas lik that with you now that your WSL tho. Your so judgy! Back when you were ASSP you were cool. You partied. Now your all like, “Your drunk! Blab blah blah. And mean!”
Well, you now what? FUCK YOU! I never loved you anywyas an agreed with bobby martinez when he called u a tennis tour!
Baby, oh bayby! I didn’t mean that! Are you still ther? I swear I dint mean any of that. I just miss you thats all.
I misss you so much. I remember when I used to log on and there you were havin a contest an I’d watch and be so entertainment. Jus lovin those waves. Listining to Joe Purple talk about off the tops and closing my eyes when Pots starts droning about…about…whatthehell does he even say? But it don matter. I miss him. I miss you. I miss us.
R u ever gonna cum back from Fiji?
Did you meet someone there or something? Someoen else? WELL FUCK YOU! YOUR FAT LIKE BELLS AND MARGART RIVER COMBINED!
Wait! Sweety! Sweety that wasnt me talking. That was just my jealousy becuz I love you so so so much.
And miss you.
I miss Ron Burgandy and the way he talks Australin. He’s so handsome. HE’S SO FUCKING HANDSOME! And Ross…Ross….Ross….whas his last name? Ross Geller? Ross….? Perot? Wahtever. HE knows his shit and his voice is so tender…I can picture him talking to me late at night. Telling me storiesa bout when he n Kelly Slater used to slumber party and…
What?
Am I havin another rdrink?
Pssssssssssht. No.
Ive only had six.
Vodkas
But why do you care? You don’t fucken care. You don’t even call anymore. Your just there in Fiji having fun and playing with pool toys and getting a mohawk and forgetting about all the peope who really love you. So you know what? You know what?
FUCK YOU! JUST STAY THERE FOREVER! JUST STAY THERE WITH YOUR MOHAWK BECAUSE I”VE MET SOMEONE ELSE AND HER NAME IS RED BULL!
Oh honey! Wait wait wait wait wait. Honey! I didn’t mean it. I dint even DO anything with Red Bull. I just logged on a couple days ago just to see if you were there and you werent but she was in Australia on this big slab and…and…and….It meant nothing. Ok. It was jus becuz I’m loney
and miss you.
Come home. Well work it out.
I promise.
Paul Speaker + Chas Smith 4 eva.
leg humper…aloha
This drunken alter ego needs to be its own website
Maaaaan you are drunk AF!
Chas while I don’t condone rooting both the WSL and Redbull as one is definitely going to be jealous – one thing is certain FIJI has lost all fucking momentum with 50 lay days in a row that’s for sure!!!
Joe Purple – Excellent.
Boogie down Bronx
Bor-Ring ring.
Shouldn’t you be busy working at trying to lift SurfStitch out of it’s hole with a witty advertising campaign?
Fantastic rendition of Cavvy’s writing style, just need slightly more faeces and you’ve got him down to a tee!
Fuuuuuuuuuuck! But……but………………
butt fuck indeed
Being paid great cash to drink all day with mates on a perfect pacific island, waiting for one of the best reef breaks in the world to fire up. And you’ll be surfing it with max 2 others. Meh
I’m super stok-ed that you guys decided to employ Morgan Williamson and let him write under the pseudonym “Chas Smith” now that he has been banned from STAB.
Has he really been banned? I would pay him top dollar to come write here. He weaves art out of thin air!
I’ll broker the deal and make sure you can get him dirt cheap. I know for a fact that his idea of food and entertainment is a log of Salami and tub of Vaseline. This is not the sort of man you pay in regular currency.
Weaves art like Gary Wright.
We’ll always take it back. Why? Because JJF et al. It’s not like we’ve got other options. One-offs are not options.
but seriously tho…what the fuck!
After reading that my left eye is twitching, and looking for the wall albeit without the assistance of my right eye which is concerning. My frontal lobe is aching like it got drop kicked too. That was a fucke d