Divide the points, says Rory Parker. But too late for
Jordy Smith. He got strewn in the J-Bay Pro's one-heat day. |
Photo: WSL
J-Bay Pro: Jordy Smith is terribly
sad!
By Derek Rielly
Because John John Florence just smoked him on a
dull-dramatic one-heat day…
The South African Jordy Smith, I’m
convinced, believed he would not have much difficulty regaining
possession of the J-Bay Pro titles he won in 2010 and 2011.
Even against the current best surfer in the world, the Hawaiian
John John Florence, in his quarter-final heat, there was a
vibration, a haughtiness in his manner, that didn’t just suggest,
it screamed, that he would have no serious difficulty about it.
But isn’t the magic in surfing, the drama of throwing the best
heat of the contest into three-foot high-tide burgers? Waves that
were ultimately of such diminished quality, only one heat would
run?
Nothing happened for ten minutes. Restart.
Eventually, Jordy, with his full broad forehead covered by not
very thick brown hair, bounces along a wave with a series of
floaters. Six and a piece.
As a retort, John John throws an air reverse. Seven and a
piece.
It comes down to the final two waves.
Jordy’s is plainly furnished with turns and is correctly given a
four-ish.
John John stitches a floater together with a closeout-turn that
is barely ridden out of. Correctly, a three and a piece. He needs a
3.17, gets it, and then some.
Jordy is very sad. In his post-heat interview he gives the
result a frank assessment.
Watch here.
And watch a slightly abbreviated version of their heat here.
J-Bay Open Quarterfinal Results:
QF 1: John John Florence (HAW) 10.70 def. Jordy Smith (ZAF)
10.50
J-Bay Open Remaining Quarterfinal
Match-Ups:
QF 2: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Josh Kerr (AUS)
QF 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Gabriel Medina (BRA)
QF 4: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Filipe Toledo (BRA)
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Bali’s Date-Rape Drug Problem!
By Derek Rielly
Or what it feels like when your cocktail is loaded
with Rohypnol…
(Editor’s note: A few days ago, the Santa
Cruz surfer turned Bali transplant, Mara Wolford, lit up on
Facebook after she nearly
died when her cocktail was spiked with
Rohypnol. It’s a rough read and, when you dig a little deeper, you
learn that drink spiking in Bali isn’t exactly an isolated event.
So far, Mara’s story has been shared by 13,000 people, 138 of
’em moved to comment. It’s an interesting story, I think, because
it illustrates the paradoxical nature of Bali, an
island superficially perfect but with a dark undercurrent.
“I am pretty lucky to be alive,” Mara says, “and
since I posted that, I’ve received around 40 long mails from women
who lived through the same thing, not understanding what had
happened. The first time this happened a few years ago, I was with
Gerlach, Budgey and Mick Curley. They understood someone had dosed
me and got me outta there, kept me safe. But it’s scary shit. Over
it. I’m going back to Santa Cruz. But not before I go get some
sick barrels on Nias…”
Read Mara’s account of what happens when your cocktail is loaded
with Rohypnol below…)
Goodbye, Bali and Fuck You Whilst You’re at It
#39. So, Tues. night was eventful. I went to visit
My friend MJ over in Echo Beach. We visited for a few
hours, MJ was tired. Her guest, Emilio, an elder Spanish gentleman,
suggests we go to the beach and grab a bite.
We do, then we head up the road for a drink. He orders us two
mojitos.
The bartender makes them behind the bar out of my view. I don’t
worry about this, I’m chatting with the bar guys in bahasa and
they’re cool. I leave the drink on the bar and go to the bathroom.
All of these acts, ordering mixed drinks, not watching them being
made and leaving a drink unattended, are fatal errors in Bali, but
this evening, I wasn’t too concerned. I have not been out for a
drink since Gerhard died six months ago and the fun in Bali
stopped.
Half-way through the second mojito (also poured out of view),
the Rohypnol kicked in with fury. I knew what it was because this
happened three years ago and it was terrifying. From the speed in
which this was happening, it felt like multiple doses.
Today is G’s birthday and I know we all miss him more than he
could ever know.
Half-way through the second mojito (also poured out of view),
the Rohypnol kicked in with fury. I knew what it was because this
happened three years ago and it was terrifying. From the speed in
which this was happening, it felt like multiple doses.
I have no way to know and or prove who did it, but I grabbed a
photo of the bar guy who made the drinks. Asked him for a photo of
the tattoo on his face because it’s so cute. Righto. I then subtly
tell three women in the bar whom I don’t know what has happened, to
be very careful, and to not let anyone follow me out of the place
when I leave as I don’t know who did it or who will try to follow
me, to create a diversion. I only have 200 metres to walk home
safe.
I exit the bar, turn down the road, walk maybe 20 metres and
fall flat on my face, out cold. A motorbike passes, circles back
around and stops. I can remember no detail about the driver other
than he was Caucasian. My face is split open. I told him to take me
back to MJ’s and he seemed to know where it was. He was trying to
clean my face up, and I remember telling him it was fine. I know
what is going to happen next and I don’t want him to witness
it.
Emilio comes home, worried about my disappearance, and the
motorcycle guy explains what has happened, that I’ve been drugged.
I am now nearly paralyzed and can barely talk. And what happens
next is, between projectile vomiting and loss of all bodily
function, I nearly go into organ failure.
I can feel my body shutting down. MJ runs into the bedroom,
throws the guys out of the mess (we didn’t get to thank the
guardian angel, but thank you, whoever you are) and deals with this
catastrophe. Dunno how to thank you, either, MJ.
She gets me washed off and into bed. She sleeps next to me
because she is really worried. My breathing is superficial and
interrupted, a symptom of Rohypnol overdose. She doesn’t sleep much
that night. She saved my life.
I know it may sound weird that we wouldn’t go straight to the
hospital, but the hospitals here wouldn’t know what to do either,
in the case of severe benzodiazepine poisoning, and my stomach and
bowels had already been purged: my body was fighting hard to save
itself.
I come to late yesterday feeling like I was run over by a truck.
I really don’t know who would think it was funny or a good idea to
slip a 51-kilo woman enough Flunitrazepam as to nearly kill her,
but it reconfirms for me that they aren’t the type of people I want
around me.
Bye, Bali and Fuck you, as well.
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…this JJF huck in round four was an object of beauty,
and not just for the slickness of the move, but for the way he
murdered fifty metres of wave. maybe three turns, face to reach the
section. Who does that? | Photo: WSL
J-Bay: “JJF flourishes sword-blade!”
By Rory Parker
And Kelly Slater strolls into the quarter
finals…
Didn’t Chas write something recently about the
small-wave ability of top-tier pros? About how they can
just fly across flat sections, lay huge rail turns into sections
with nothing behind them?
I’m typing this at seven am without a cup of coffee in my
gut, but I’m pretty sure he did. Or he should, because it’s true.
Pretty much anyone can surf good in overhead perfection with plenty
of power behind it. But fitting you frame into a tiny little
runner, flawlessly linking your turns, is a mark of genius.
I’ve watched in awe as guys dismantle tiny Rockies or Ehukai or
El Porto or 54th st. It’s neat to see. But it doesn’t
really translate to video sans heavy editing.
It was a real bummer to see them run today. Not because the
waves were bad, they weren’t. But paddling out in surf this small
with eight days left in the waiting period means that there ain’t
much on the horizon. I know Turpel and Mel said they expected it to
build through the day, but that’s their job. Starting off the
webcast with, “The waves are small and most of today is going to be
tedious,” would get them fired. Probably deservedly so.
Speaking of building hype. I finally got my second podcast guest
lined up! We’re recording early next week. Stay tuned for more
info, it’s gonna be sweet tits one hundred percent!
The day started with Bourez and Seabass doing the best they
could with what they had. Bourez did a great job showing how to
build speed and pant a rail. But it was small stuff. If you were
paddling back out and saw one of his turns from the shoulder you’re
jaw would drop. Camera lens flattens the world and it’s kind of a
drag.
Bring to mind the long asked poorly answered question of why no
one ever uses a fat flat little fishy type board during heats.
Today seemed perfect for it.
I’ve heard numerous explanations over the years, but nothing
concrete. Maybe one of our more experienced and knowledgeable
commenters can clue us in?
Wilko faltered in round three, his title campaign took a kick in
the nuts. I have no idea what the numbers are gonna look like post
event.
I liked Wilko better when he was losing all the time. Which has
gotta suck for him. He’s gotta win heats and sell his
personality. So hard to do both at once!
Medina/ Melling saw the first attempt at small wave air surfing
for points. Medina earned a 8.17 for a backside tap followed by a
backside three. Which was enough to shut down his opponent. Too
bad, Melling has been surfing very well this event.
The question now: If the judges are scoring the high for one
air, as opposed to five turns, will we see more competitors take to
the air? Seems like an easier approach. But I’m more or less
talking out of my ass. The one and only time I got my board to
rotate all the way around backside I looped out on the landing and
ended up in urgent care with a nasty case whiplash. Which hurts so
fucking bad. Happened more than five years ago, I haven’t done more
than a fly-away since.
The man with the curly blonde locks knocked out Parko. The waves
looks so damn fun, just not super contestable.
The judges should just call a meeting, tell everyone it’s an air
comp now. It’d make for better viewing.
Toledo shredded his first wave of the day to bits. Pupo couldn’t
handle it. Ended the heat deep in a combo.
White lightning wildcard gave Igarashi his fifth in a row
13th place finish. That’s gotta sting. Methinks Kainoa
might’ve been better pulling a Taj. Give up his first chance at the
tour, use the year to grow some meat, polish his approach.
Hindsight is 20/20, and I understand him taking his shot.
Thought it was crazy way back when Taj did it. But it was a
good call. Dude ran a long successful tour career during one of the
toughest stretches in the history of pro surfing.
Say… what happened to the magic shark buoy? Haven’t seen or
heard shit about it since the event started. Though I haven’t been
paying super close attention. Maybe missed it.
Dantas/Ibelli was boring. Wiggles won.
ADS took out Cathels without too much trouble. Have
you seen the WSL piece about Adriano? Very inspirado,
much swelling music. But really just fluff. Five minutes of people
saying what they always say. He’s so nice and humble. Humble humble
humble, always with the humble.
Didn’t learn a thing about the guy. Which is impressive, since I
don’t know shit about him as a person already.
First heat of round 4 saw it turn on a bit. JJF murdered Kerr
and Jordy. Big ol’ boost on his first wave. Judges are scoring ’em,
but people still ain’t doing ’em. Just Medina and double John so
far.
Kelly won his heat handily, pocketed a 9 and a 9.07. I don’t
know… I think they were over-scored. Bourez’s 9.27 was as well.
Muniz got what the points he deserved.
Surf definitely got better. Good call. Does the WSL know what
it’s doing? Shocking!
I was really hoping Wilson/Medina/Toledo would go crazy. But it
didn’t. Pretty standard stuff. Wilson won.
Round five left to go, then off ’til finals day.
You know what I’m really looking forward to? UFC 200! Today! Jon
Jones ruined his career, we’re gonna get to see an out of shape
Anderson Silva take on Cormier on three days notice. Crazy shit.
And Mark Hunt’s fighting Lesnar! And the rest of the card! Oh my
goodness.
P2P streaming is the best thing since sliced bread. The more
people watching the pirated stream, the better it works!
Jordy started off his heat with a 9.87. Muniz wasn’t coming back
from that. Local crowd screaming for their boy. That’s gotta affect
the scores. No matter what the judges say, you can feel the energy.
Definitely changes you perception of the situation. Very good
reason for noise canceling headphones.
Kerr/Bourez was pretty close. Michel almost grabbed the W, but
Kerr snatched it from his hands with a big nasty stalefish rev
right before the buzzer.
Damn cool how he’s got those fuckers on lock. Ever tried to grab
stalefish? So fucking awkward. Hard as hell off a little kicker in
your driveway. Off the lip of a wave… I don’t even know how you can
stay centered enough to try.
Battle of the Brazzos: ADS v Medina! Medina moved on to the
quarters. De Souza looked a little off his game. Solid heat, but no
highlights here.
Last heat of the day, Dantas/Toledo, was kind of “meh.” Nothing
magic, solid surfing. Wiggles got sent home.
I’m dog sitting again. Not stoked on it at all. Finally got this
dumb little piss-everywhere dog to calm down and listen. Then I
shaved my head. Which the little trashcan mutt finds inexplicably
terrifying. He really needs to go outside for a piss, instead he’s
running and cowering like I’m some sort of monster. Which, from his
perspective, I suppose I am.
J-Bay Open Round 3 Results:
Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 18.20 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.10
Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) 14.83 def. Dusty Payne (HAW)
13.93
Heat 3: Josh Kerr (AUS) 16.40 def. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.20
Heat 4: Kelly Slater (USA) 11.73 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 5.20
Heat 5: Michel Bourez (PYF) 14.67 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
11.26
Heat 6: Alejo Muniz (BRA) 12.20 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 10.27
Heat 7: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 16.00 def. Adam Melling (AUS)
15.17
Heat 8: Julian Wilson (AUS) 15.80 def. Joel Parkinson (AUS)
13.67
Heat 9: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 16.67 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 6.04
Heat 10: Mick Fanning (AUS) 18.37 def. Kanoa Igarashi (USA)
14.60
Heat 11: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 13.93 def. Caio Ibelli (BRA)
10.66
Heat 12: Adriano De Souza (BRA) 14.73 def. Davey Cathels (AUS)
12.30
J-Bay Open Round 4 Results:
Heat 1:John John Florence (HAW) 17.43, Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.43,
Josh Kerr (AUS) 11.77
Heat 2: Kelly Slater (USA) 18.07, Michel Bourez (PYF), 17.67 Alejo
Meniz (BRA) 10.50
Heat 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) 15.43, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.83,
Filipe Toledo (BRA) 13.77
Heat 4: Mick Fanning (AUS) 17.00, Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 16.93,
Adriano de Souza (BRA) 15.27
J-Bay Open Round 5 Results:
Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 17.73 def. Alejo Muniz (BRA) 10.00
Heat 2: Josh Kerr (AUS) 15.30 def. Michel Bourez (PYF) 14.93
Heat 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 15.03 def. Adriano de Souza (BRA)
12.40
Heat 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 12.50 def. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)
10.27
J-Bay Open Quarterfinal Match-Ups:
QF 1: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Jordy Smith (ZAF)
QF 2: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Josh Kerr (AUS)
QF 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Gabriel Medina (BRA)
QF 4: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Filipe Toledo (BRA)
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King of Tasmania’s adult learners!
By Chas Smith
Come meet Lawrence J. Burke II, the oldest adult
learner on record and founder of Outside magazine!
The adult learner confuses me to no end. His
adopting a very awkward dance late in life only to look foolish and
never ever have any fun and get hurt. Her choosing to be an
asshole, and only an asshole, with no hope of improvement.
Ever.
I wrote about my confusion earlier and
suggested the masochistic impulse that drove the adult learner to
look foolish and be an asshole probably belied a deeper, very
dangerous flaw and they should most likely all be killed. Or sent
to live together in Tasmania.
And just this morning I read about a 73 year old man who is
learning to surf and got his two front teeth punched out of his
head by his board’s rail! He writes:
But I’m getting off to a rough start. After a few good waves
during the afternoon session our first day, I somehow overlook a
couple of kids playing with their mother in waist-deep water. When
I hop off the board a little too close to them, the mother scowls
at me, her eyes saying, “It’s a five-mile shoreline, you jerk, why
are you ten feet from us!” Still focused on the tots, I reach down
to grab my board when a wave suddenly flips it up into the onshore
wind. The board’s rail slaps hard into my face, slicing my inside
upper lip and knocking out my two front teeth. “What the fuck!” I
yell. I had totally forgotten an important part of Surf Simply
co-owner and instructor Harry Knight’s advice about not letting the
board get between the wind, the water, and me.
The best part of all, this toothless masochist is Lawrence J.
Burke II, founder of Outside magazine! The perfect King of
Adult Learners!
A few years ago I got into a blazing Twitter war with Outside’s
editorial staff. I made fun of them for wearing Tevas and living in
New Mexico! I can’t remember what they said back but the fact that
they engaged made me so happy with them.
And I’m sure Tasmania’s adult learners will be happy with their
king.
Long live Lawrence J. Burke II, the first of his name and also
last!
Normally so buttoned-up, in this series we find the
Hawaiian, John John Florence, suddenly revealing the colour of his
undershorts. It's a hell of a short.
Movie: John John Florence’s Twelve!
By Derek Rielly
Come on a narrative voyage that shows a man in
rapier form.
Surfing, I believe, better fits a straight
documentary style than the idolatrous worship of Super 8
cameras and nouvelle vague-style jump cuts and fragmented
editing.
Don’t shroud a compelling story in the superficial
gimmickry of what, right now, is believed to be hip. It amazes
me how many web clips steal from the oeuvre of Kai Neville, whose
own well-spring of inspiration was the
aforementioned nouvelle vague.
If there’s a story to tell, why not tell it?
I like this, the first in John John Florence’s seven-part series
of twelve-minute clips (hence the name Twelve) where the
filmmaker, Bill Ballard, takes the viewer on an actual narrative
voyage. Oh, how easy it would be to assemble thirty of A-clips,
wrap it up in static scenics, and spit it live.
In this series, however, we study John John’s WSL season,
examining each event, his successes, his losses, with rare quotes
from the famously taciturn John John.
Part one reveals The Eddie, Snapper, Bells, Margaret River.
Remember when John John won the Eddie? Craziest event, maybe
ever. But unless you watched it live, you probably didn’t get to
feel the electricity of the event. Here, John John looses his
thoughts and motivations. The event is beautifully shot and
masterfully edited.
The first three events of the 2016 season are equally sharp and
abbreviated. Did you, like me, forget John John
was drowned by Ciao Ibelli in two consecutive events?
I always had John John figured as someone who was bored with the
tour, emerging from his Hawaiian cave long enough only to deliver a
few fierce bites or a surly dab of his paw.
