It's the I'd-suck-a-million-dicks-to-see-John-John-win edition!
Time for another amazing edition of Rory Parker’s Absolutely Terrible Fantasy Surfer Picks: I don’t care who wins edition.
As always, I’ll be using the WSL Fantasy model. The Surfer version contains too many numbers. Which I find mildly confusing because I’m a writer (not a fucking blogger, damn it!) and I don’t like dealing with numbers. In another world I understand them better, but in this one I stopped bothering with math when my 10th grade geometry teacher refused to recommend me for advanced classes due to poor citizenship grades.
I’d suck a million dicks to see an in-form JJ storm the field at rippable Lowers. Yeah, I know his knee is probably dodgy, reports to the contrary notwithstanding. But Florence is young as hell, heals quick, and delivered that monster ‘oop at Keramas with a fucked-up ankle.
Also because he claimed I assaulted him. I maintain that catching a pen someone threw at you and tossing it back is in no way, shape, or form, assault. Fuck you, Mr Ninnis.
Tier A:
Slater: He won Tahiti, so maybe he’s out of his slump. Or maybe not. It’s just that Slater is a mindless pick and I’m totally uninvested in results because I’ve been doing terribly all year. Which I’m gonna blame on the bullshit judging and absurd number of heats which were little more than wave catching contests.
John John: Sweet fake jeezus, I’d suck a million dicks to see an in-form JJ storm the field at rippable Lowers. Yeah, I know his knee is probably dodgy, reports to the contrary notwithstanding. But Florence is young as hell, heals quick, and delivered that monster ‘oop at Keramas with a fucked-up ankle.
I don’t remember how he did in the contest, though. I’ll pretend he won.
Tier B:
Filipe Toledo: Duh.
Parko: I’m still boycotting White Lightning because I don’t think he should be allowed to compete this year. And Parko’s always been the poor man’s Mick. Got that style on lock, knows how to win a heat. Hasn’t brought anything new in years but the same old same old is still damn nifty.
Italian Ferrari: Workhorse pick. The Ferrari sometimes surprises, but usually racks up a nice amount of points before he gets knocked out.
Kolohe Andino: I just felt like picking a local surfer who I know is going out in round three.
Tier C:
Simpo: ‘QS record aside, you’d have to be an idiot to put Simpo on your team. But he does surf real good, so maybe he’ll surprise everyone? Basically a hail mary I’m hoping will make up some points.
Jeremy Flores: It was either the Frenchman or Jadson Andre for this spot, based on absolutely nothing. I flipped a coin to decide and Andre won. But I’m always hoping for an entertaining Flores meltdown and, even though I know that has no bearing on Fantasy results, I gave Flores the nod.
Watch last year’s final here!
Lol you kook Parker…BeachGrit’s favourite spammer NickDee is still #1 in Mens Fantasy Surfer (but out of contention in the womens cuz they started the last comp without warning & I got no Rd1 points). However, cuz I ain’t attached to winning, cuz it is only downhill from #1 and cuz I am such a good (helpful) bloke, I will give you some tips in logic. I reckon Jordy is going to win the whole comp however cuz I can never not pick Medina (due to being a Medina fanatic) and cuz JJF has such an easy draw (probably against Brett Simpson), I have Medina & JJF as #1 and #2 pick and must sacrifice my gut feeling that Jordy will win the whole thing. The point is, the probability of JJF making at least round 4 is very high so you bank on that. The reason why you are an IDIOT for putting Simpo in your team is because he probably will face JJF in Rd 1 and, if he wins and JJF wins round 2, Simpo will probably face JJF again in Round 3. Therefore, if you pick both Simpo & JJF you will lose one of them by Round 3. Last comp I banked on #1 seed Wilko not being able to beat two wildcards over 3 heats and therefore ignored Wilko and bet on Bruno Santos, who quarter finaled. The #1 seed always gets the lowest seed (which should be Simpo – not yet announced) so at least you get that logically right. Only a complete retard would pick John John & Simpo together.
Only a complete retard would give a shit.
You are still posting day & night on Stab after a W$L comp using the language of a fecal geriatric porn addict with your fellow homo-erotic Stab porn addicts. Obviously you literally give a shit about your homo-erotic surf world. As for others, it is just some idle amusement. But for you, it is a homo-erotic-phallic-anal-addiction in your homo-erotic-homo-boys-homo-club. Obviously, you visited this webpage to fantasize about the photo with Mel, Slater, Florence and Stab-style-homo-erotic microphones.
Your first stats filled blurb was average to poor. This one still falls short of being remotely funny. Do people run away from you or do they just fall asleep when you start a rant?
I was not intended to be funny. How dumb of you!
The fact that you keep tabs on me really out-does any fucking creepy shit I’ve read on the internet in a long time. I only do satire either way, only someone with aspergers couldn’t see that.
Tossed m’drag at “poor mans Mick”…so apt.
That photo. Gold.
Yes! it was from the story that was read by probably about 15 people, 0 comments! and the moment I became a Rory fan…
http://beachgrit.com/2014/1…
Proud to say I was one of those 15 people.
On that note, you can imagine my disappointment when I opened this link and discovered it was just a bunch of bullshit words and not a gallery of pro surfers holding dicks.
That deserves a re-post
that definitely made me rethink nothing at all… i feel nothing.. i am jeremy’s silent french agony.