It's the I'd-suck-a-million-dicks-to-see-John-John-win edition!
Time for another amazing edition of Rory Parker’s Absolutely Terrible Fantasy Surfer Picks: I don’t care who wins edition.
As always, I’ll be using the WSL Fantasy model. The Surfer version contains too many numbers. Which I find mildly confusing because I’m a writer (not a fucking blogger, damn it!) and I don’t like dealing with numbers. In another world I understand them better, but in this one I stopped bothering with math when my 10th grade geometry teacher refused to recommend me for advanced classes due to poor citizenship grades.
I’d suck a million dicks to see an in-form JJ storm the field at rippable Lowers. Yeah, I know his knee is probably dodgy, reports to the contrary notwithstanding. But Florence is young as hell, heals quick, and delivered that monster ‘oop at Keramas with a fucked-up ankle.
Also because he claimed I assaulted him. I maintain that catching a pen someone threw at you and tossing it back is in no way, shape, or form, assault. Fuck you, Mr Ninnis.
Slater: He won Tahiti, so maybe he’s out of his slump. Or maybe not. It’s just that Slater is a mindless pick and I’m totally uninvested in results because I’ve been doing terribly all year. Which I’m gonna blame on the bullshit judging and absurd number of heats which were little more than wave catching contests.
John John: Sweet fake jeezus, I’d suck a million dicks to see an in-form JJ storm the field at rippable Lowers. Yeah, I know his knee is probably dodgy, reports to the contrary notwithstanding. But Florence is young as hell, heals quick, and delivered that monster ‘oop at Keramas with a fucked-up ankle.
I don’t remember how he did in the contest, though. I’ll pretend he won.
Filipe Toledo: Duh.
Parko: I’m still boycotting White Lightning because I don’t think he should be allowed to compete this year. And Parko’s always been the poor man’s Mick. Got that style on lock, knows how to win a heat. Hasn’t brought anything new in years but the same old same old is still damn nifty.
Italian Ferrari: Workhorse pick. The Ferrari sometimes surprises, but usually racks up a nice amount of points before he gets knocked out.
Kolohe Andino: I just felt like picking a local surfer who I know is going out in round three.
Simpo: ‘QS record aside, you’d have to be an idiot to put Simpo on your team. But he does surf real good, so maybe he’ll surprise everyone? Basically a hail mary I’m hoping will make up some points.
Jeremy Flores: It was either the Frenchman or Jadson Andre for this spot, based on absolutely nothing. I flipped a coin to decide and Andre won. But I’m always hoping for an entertaining Flores meltdown and, even though I know that has no bearing on Fantasy results, I gave Flores the nod.
Watch last year’s final here!