But loves and approves of The Inertia!
Ever see the film The Big Short? Did you walk away feeling like every financial institution perpetually fucks over the little guy for profit? Did you wonder just how much worse it could get? I’ve got the inside scoop that could be the final nail in the 99%’s coffin. But first, a short story about a dude named John.
John loves surfing. He loves all aspects of the harrowed and beloved surf culture. John realized he couldn’t surf all the time. Pursuing college and attaining a big boy job were necessary sacrifices. Got the degree, began working for Merrill Lynch as a financial advisor, still surfed, just on the seven to five grind too.
Then tragedy strikes.
John is working at Merrill Lynch, part of Bank of America, doing his job well. John hears that Dane Reynolds and The Inertia are having an online street brawl via his phone. John gets a minute or two to jump online. John knows the place to get the scoop on the drama!
BeachGrit!
John slams “BeachGrit” into the search bar! The home page loads! CLICKS ON THE LINK …..loading….loading….loading…cannot find source.
John gets the feels.
John is mad.
Again, calamity has struck. Adding insult to injury, John isn’t able to open the article, or watch a Youtube link of Mason Ho rock hopping, or even a WSL broadcast or Surfline cam. The only site remotely related to surfing that Bank of America permits, the gosh darn Inertia.
John is furious.
The Inertia’s often absurd, uninspired dribble is the only bit of surf related access John has when the opportunity for free time in the office allows a moment of escaping the fluctuating stock prices.
Does Bank of America really favor The Inertia’s baggy frilled jeans and sandals look over us rebel scum?
Maybe.
More than likely the ass hats in charge of setting up the company wide website monitoring systems don’t even consider The Inertia a place worthy of blocking from their employees. John may have stumbled upon the most meaningless blood feud ever but I’ll be damned if his story didn’t compel this writer to share his struggle.
John isn’t alone.
The big banks have already affected everyone else. Big Brother wants you to know if Zach Weisberg’s clan of unpaid “writers” has something to say but the derelicts here at BeachGrit are not worthy of attention or access. Pity. John we stand with you.
John doesn’t really want to be a financial anything anymore. John said it’s not for him and that the whole system is pretty fucked up. John no longer desires to contribute to perpetuating wealth incumbency for the rich. John sums it up with a Kerouac quote.
“Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.”
The End.
…. and he gets them free,
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Nonsense. We have something going on. And I’m no lesbian.
*drivel, not ‘dribble’ Adam! Come on mate you’re better than those Buzzfeed-educated interns writing for Stab these days.
How ridiculous is the Inertia’s domain names campaign .surf?
Hey Inertia, why don’t you .fuckoff
Make it a fucking unapologetic in your face surfer hating girl. Then you got something.
Irony: we associate sandals and wack with Inertia but more than half of their ‘writers’ are ‘high octane’ professionals like John…more delusional puritan analysts than delusional free spirits. They even have the rich guys who gave up on finance to start surf ‘ventures’ writing for them…
No way Rorza can go back to the Inertia……once you’ve tasted freedom you can’t go back to slavery.
It took me a while to abide his unflinching honesty, an acquired taste: but it sure as shit grew on me and over time I appreciated more and more his agenda free pov. So rare, so very, very rare in surf writing – where everyone is mates with someone or other and is trying to push some barrow or other, sometimes even under the guise of journalistic objectivity. What a fucking scam of a concept that is.
Also, Rory was a necessary counterpoint to Chas and Dell, he was ballast. In every way. The third leg of a tripod that Mailer referred to when alluding to George Foremans punching power against Ali in the Rumble in the Jungle. No punching power without that base.
What now for Rory? I predict a road to damascus conversion to Christianity, well paying job for the WSJ and a well thumbed copy of Atlas Shrugged in the glovebox of a Lexus he’s making payments on.
Come for me Rory. Here I am, not there. Here. Over here.
Ahhhh longtom. You really want to matter huh? Like really really have a smattering of mattering. The faux intellectualism is borrrrrrrrrring. I want rory and penises
you want Rory’s penis? where?
wherever the naughty minx can get it!
Ironically it’s the inertia that’s banned at my work. Unless of course the links to the inertia chas provided went straight to porn hub?
Do you work in heaven?
Same here!! Inertia blocked beach grit permitted. Not sure why but I’ll be happy to roll with it!
No, but life could be worse. Will try and send Derek a screen shot when I am back from leave.
Inertia Articles Waiting To Be Written:
The 5/2 Diet: How It Can Help Your Surfing
Kelly Slater: 100 Reasons Why He Is The Greatest Surfer Ever
Six Fin Sets To Try Before You Die
Why We Should Applaud Gabriel Medina’s Underarm Shaving Ads
How BeachGrit Failed Our New Star Writer, Rory Parker
You forgot
“Try these exercises to improve your pop up, bottom turn – you’ll see the difference!!”
“How to wax your board”
“What is the best way to carry your board – wax in or wax out”
“Birkenstocks vs thongs – the great debate”
“Does a hipster beard improve your surfing?”
and don’t forget , Sharks are a surfers best friend!