Or might it be somewhere deep in the heart of the Maghreb?
In this video made by the Basque surfer Kept Acero two years ago, he travels to The Islamic Republic of Mauritania to hunt a sandbottom right. It’s a place that still enslaves its people (twenty per cent of ’em) and where the rest are earning a buck-and-a-half a day.
Oh it’s a hell of a joint.
Does the wave, here, look familiar?
It’s too small for shredding, yes, but you do see the potential?
Does it make you want to plop out your little breasts and shriek and scream?
Aged clips of once-great surfer raise existential questions
Surfing, if performed with respectable levels commitment and vigor over a long period of time, will eventually lead to injury. I am a firm believer in the old saying, “If you’re not getting hurt, you’re not trying hard enough.” But some guys take that to new levels.
Enter Wade Goodall.
The thirty-year-old Queenslander has spent his career trying a little too hard, evidenced by the breaking of both his legs in back-to-back years. This meant a lot of time out of the water and even a (formerly unbeknownst to me) Beach Grit interview in 2014. But to be honest, I can hardly remember hearing Wade’s name or seeing his acrobatic if slightly stiff approach in years. Then, just three days ago, he released this clip called WAED.
And wouldn’t ya know it, it’s just a bunch of old-ass clips! From decrepit Billabong movies and long-forgotten (but not by me!) web clips of 1992!
This begs the question: where is Wade Goodall? Is he even alive? His Instagram will tell you he’s coming Stateside for the Cupid’s corporate cash-out, but really anyone could be running his account. Perhaps this is a major conspira…
Or, no. Wade just hit me back on Instagram and as it turns out, he is alive and well. When asked about the newly released edit he had this to say:
Haha not much to talk about on that clip. Bunch of old stuff Jake just put together to see what it looked like. Pretty lackluster old footage.
This leads to an inquiry about Wade’s current injury status and when we can expect to see some new, revolutionary clips from the Aussie vet.
That message was left on read at 2:57 PM, so… we won’t hold our breath. But enjoy WAED!
This surf picture is 120 years old! Has anything changed?
This image was apparently taken in 1890 and in the private collection of a Manchester man who lived in Hawaii by the name of Herbert Smith. It has been in his family for 120 years but they have decided to sell so we get to see.
The striking thing, I think, is the way these old Hawaiians are standing. To me they look exactly like surfers today. The kind of purposeful laziness, the head facing camera but not really caring, even the angles of the boards. Not too stiff, not too loose.
Also, it looks very fun out the back.
And surfing really is a wonder. It is ancient but part of me thinks it has always been the same. Sure the boards change but surfers, I suppose. Surfers seem like they’ve always been the same. It is, anyhow, what my head has been chewing on for the last few months as I punch out next book about the grandest love affair of all.
Of course you don’t watch the HBO series Girls but no doubt you’ve heard of it. The show might have once been clever but now exists purely as a vehicle for a very unattractive Lena Dunham to get as unattractively nude as possible in order to goad the viewer into wincing at her unattractiveness then degrading the wincing viewer by suggesting he/she is the problem with society because he/she body shames and makes girls feel badly about themselves.
It is very try-hard and silly etc. because Lena Dunham looks like Shrek on purpose but I watched last night’s season six premier because it involved our beloved surfing!
Lena Dunham’s character Hannah was sent to write about a surf camp in Montauk for a magazine. The editor described surfing as “shitty yoga” and that made me smile very much. Hannah shows up, anyhow, and the camp has a very non-Montauk Hawaiiana vibe, many older rich women and a Pakistani surf instructor described by Yahoo! TV as:
…an experienced wave rider played by Riz Ahmed who combines the effortless cool of Jan-Michael Vincent in Big Wednesday with the sheer studliness of Patrick Swayze in Point Break.
And he was so effortlessly cool and the whole surf camp looked so fun! Like, open mic karaoke at night and very many fruity cocktails etc. And do these sorts of things really exist on the mainland of the United States or Australia? Very fun surf camps? Is this a thing? Have you been to one?
If it is not a thing I am still happy that surfing remains culturally relevant enough to be used as a vehicle within a vehicle for a very unattractive Lena Dunham to get as unattractively nude as possible in order to goad the viewer into wincing at her unattractiveness then degrading the wincing viewer by suggesting he/she is the problem with society because he/she body shames and makes girls feel badly about themselves.
Give this man one good reason to rejoin the tour...
For several years I’ve watched the development of Skeleton Bay, an African left-hander commonly referred to as the best wave on the planet. Over time I’ve discerned its precise whereabouts, assembled a worthy squadron, stashed ample cash and pin-pointed the exact swell I’d need to make this dream a reality. This is the best wave in the world, and I must surf it before it’s gone.
But now Mick Fanning’s gone and fucked everything up. In Rip Curl’s latest edition of The Search, Fanning finds himself standing before the tropical, right-hand version of Skeleton Bay. I will say no more until you’ve truly savored this phenomenon.
You don’t need a mediocre explanation of the wave you just drooled over, so let’s jump straight back to me.
I’m pissed. Livid. All this time I’ve spent and money I’ve saved with sights set on Namibia, and Fanning just spits in my face. Kicks me in the shin. Calls me a fucking Episcopalian!
As a regular-footer and adorer of warm water, this wave is a clearly superior version of my once idealized African locale. But no worries, I can just transfer the money I saved for Namibia towards a trip to this conveyor belt heaven, right? Wrong. That sunofagun Fanning won’t divulge a peep! Not an ocean or continent or even a goddamn swell direction. But I’m not giving up.
The internet is great because eventually someone is bound to blab a worthy morsel. And when they do, I’ll be the first one there to devour it like a rabid vulture. In fact, maybe someone has already loosed a valuable secret! If you don’t hear from me in the next few days, I’ll be on Google Maps.