News: Slater “brainwashed” you!

Greatest-ever turns surfers from drug and sex fiends into Gaia-worshipping hypocrites!

Don’t we exist in a golden age of opinion? With a few  clicks and swipes we announce ourselves on our little social forums as experts on everything from the political machinations of foreign countries to breakthrough medical cures (cannabis oil) to the technical and tactical mistakes of our favourite surfers.

All that hoopla re: Kelly and the sharks? Oowee. None of us know shit.

Kelly was fool enough to open a debate on the bedevilled subject in an attempt to share information and got showered in insults.

In the Slater era, surfing has transformed from a sybaritic subculture to a pastime pursued by way too many brainwashed Gaia-worshippers who liberally accuse others of hypocrisy between loading their toxic surfboards onto planes and flying to remote tropical destinations, where their western habits are quickly in conflict with the supposedly natural attractions.

Now, as Fred Pawle posits in The Australian, Kelly has brainwashed us all.

Fred writes, “Ever since he burst onto the scene in 1990, aged 18, Slater has been the thinking person’s surfer. When he became the subject of the most frenzied sponsorship battle in surfing history, he chose to go back to finish high school in Florida.

“A lot of guys that start to make money think that they don’t need anything else,” he said at the time. “I don’t look at it that way. High school isn’t a hard thing to do. It keeps your mind in gear.”

This, at a time when the pro tour was a teenage hedonist’s paradise of women, drugs, money and waves. Slater eschewed all that, and single-handedly raised surfing out of its prolonged juvenile delinquency.

But his influence might have been too strong, even for him. In the Slater era, surfing has transformed from a sybaritic subculture to a pastime pursued by way too many brainwashed Gaia-worshippers who liberally accuse others of hypocrisy between loading their toxic surfboards onto planes and flying to remote tropical destinations, where their western habits are quickly in conflict with the supposedly natural attractions.

Slater’s high-school diploma could never have prepared him for the phenomenon of millions of surfers becoming enamoured by the very creatures that would eat them, and spewing vitriol at even fellow surfers for daring to espouse a different opinion. It’s as if some surfers have forgotten their own contribution to the collective happiness of mankind, or how lucky they are to be surfers at all.

Slater himself has often been the figurehead for all this misanthropy and self-flagellation. He even once endorsed Sea Shepherd, the radical group that more than any other backs the preservation of sharks, at the expense of surfers’ limbs and lives.”

Have you been brainwashed by Kelly? Do you hear a humming sound when he appears on television or your computer screen? Proof!

You can click here to read the front and tail of this story but it’s hiding behind a paywall…

POV: Slater Goes Loony in the Tub!

One look into those green eyes will mesmerize the soul...

As far as I know, this is the first POV vision released from Kelly’s pool. After such a rough week for the King, it makes sense for him to lighten the mood by releasing such a mesmerizing clip. Some might call it a coping mechanism, but Kelly calls it shark-free fun!

The internal view of this wave, when paired with Kelly’s lackadaisical approach, reaffirms the absolute flawlessness of their design. The lipline is so clean and without blemish that Slater is able to about-face multiple times per ride without fear of reprisal. Dare I say it almost looks… too easy? Like, maybe not even that fun?

However this is probably a stupid thing to say because getting barreled is always fun and as Kanoa Igarashi once told Surfing Magazine, “Honestly, before coming here, I was never really that stoked on wave pools. I really appreciate the unpredictability of the ocean. So I was excited heading to Kelly’s wavepool, but I figured I would get over it after the third wave. But then I was getting barrels where I was freaking out, literally screaming every time, it felt like I was scoring perfect Kirra.”

So this begs the question, when the hell is Beach Grit gonna get an invitation? Oh, never? Yeah that’s probably fair.

Buy: Lisa Andersen in the Journal!

One of the most beautiful surfers of all time!

I had the great pleasure of profiling Lisa Andersen in the latest Surfer’s Journal. I think she is one of the most beautiful surfers to ever live and not just physically beautiful, though she is that too, but her style. The way she rides waves.

A big Lisa project is in the works right now and you’ll start to see snippets here, soon, but in the meantime take a little taste of hangover food before heading over to the Journal for a wonderful video feature!

“I remember looking up the cab service in the Yellow Pages,” Lisa Andersen is saying while ignoring her shrimp ceviche, “calling and saying, ‘How much does it cost to get to Orlando in a cab from here? One way…”
“…from here…” is Daytona Beach or more speci cally Ormond Beach. A dead-end Florida town most famous for being home of the last living Civil War officer, a carpetbagging damn Yankee who died in 1933. Not famous for surf.

Her shrimp ceviche looks good si ing there in a reddish broth next to a bowl of delicate corn chips. And she is recounting her running away from home, running away from a boozed dad and a scared mom and a two-year stint in juvenile hall at the tender age of 16.

“How much was it?” I ask mid bite of bacon-wrapped hotdog. I am severely hungover and need the doubled pork. She should be scowling at me but understands. Understands that I need a bacon-wrapped hotdog, cheese-drenched refried beans, an al pastor taco and Tijuana street corn just to stay upright.

Because she has been through the wars too.

Subscribe to read more you cheap bastards!

Balaram Stack Puerto Rico
Balaram Stack and a little slice of maybe-soon-to-be-banned Puerto Rican tube steak. | Photo: Darren Muschett/@darren_muschett

Just In: Puerto Rico To Ban Surfing!

Uniformed cops may soon evict surfers during PR's dazzling hurricane swells!

You may have heard about Puerto Rico’s fight for, and loss of, the once natural reserve known as Playuela. This swath of land was a haven of ferna, fauna, and a several fun waves. According to local sources, development of this land has already commenced in order to build the Christopher Columbus Landing Resort.

This tourist center will take up 121 acres of the virgin soil, and the hotel plans to erect break-walls to create a sustained beach for its visitors. This practice has infamously ruined many surf breaks across the world, and locals fear it will do the same for Playuela.

But as of today, that’s the least of their worries.

Carlos Mendez, a Puerto Rican politician, has recently presented a law that would stop surfers from entering the water in cases of dangerous weather or waves, as dictated by the National Meteorological Service. The legislative measure would empower uniformed agents to evict surfers from the beaches when they think the weather conditions warrant it.

“When there’s a declaration of emergency due to atmospheric conditions, a lot of people jump into the ocean, putting at risk all the rescue teams, which are precisely for rescue purposes,” said Mendez. “There are people who are skilled at surfing, but they do not realize that they often endanger the people who have to watch over their security.”

Carlos Mendez, a Puerto Rican politician, has recently presented a law that would stop surfers from entering the water in cases of dangerous weather or waves, as dictated by the National Meteorological Service. The legislative measure would empower uniformed agents to evict surfers from the beaches when they think the weather conditions warrant it.

Local surfers were appalled by this proposed measure, citing the lawmakers’ ignorance of the ocean and those who frequent it.

“I understand that this is reasonable for tourists who are bathing on the beach, but for professionals like us, the most important moments of our career depend on these natural phenomena,” said surfer Gaby Escudero. “We always take care of each other in the water. The surfers who are chasing waves those big days are people who know what they are doing. They are not bathers who drown because they suddenly did not touch the bottom or because a current came. We do take risks, but they are calculated.”

Another Puerto Rican professional, Alejandro Moreda, shared Escudero’s sentiment.

“Apparently people who are running and making decisions in Puerto Rico are crazy. They are not taking into consideration that twenty-five percent of tourism in Puerto Rico is made by surfers. If they come now to arrest these people, all it will do is subtract tourism from Puerto Rico,” Moreda explained. “I will not miss the opportunity of getting incredible waves during those storms. We surfers live for that intensity and to catch those waves that our Island produces. And storms and hurricanes produce the best waves.”

Mendez insists that government resources take precedent over surfer’s rights and the Puerto Rican tourism industry. “If there is a statement from the National Meteorological System that a major meteorological system is approaching the country, we must reason with people that by going surfing or looking for waves, they are putting government resources at risk.”

In case you’re wondering what hurricane swells AKA major meteorological systems look like in PR, watch this.

Me n Taylor Paul are in for $250. Are you?
Me n Taylor Paul are in for $250. Are you? | Photo: Chas Smith and Kelly Slater, circa 1994. They are best friends for life!

Just in: Chas Smith kisses Kelly’s ass!

Chas wants nuance? I'll give him nuance!

To: Chas
Cc: Kelly

Subject: Ass kissing

Oh I am sooooooo sorry for my sarcasm. For the thinly veiled jabs that would land upon Slater’s enlightened dome. For being the lucky fella who, despite his diminutive stature, needed not a ladder to indulge in this particular produce.

Chas believes insults should be cloaked by levels of irony so complex that only a Master of Applied Linguistics can comprehend. I’m sure Derek gets it and probably Nick C. and Longtom too but me not that smart.

So for the sake of avoiding further scrutiny, I’ll lay out some facts. Plain, objective truths that bear no malice or forethought. Try not to wince, fully or otherwise.

But before I rip this band aid, let me ask you a question:

Would you surf in Reunion Island? No?

What about Maui? Oh, yes?


Reunion Island population: 843,617
Maui population: 144,444 (as of 2010, probably higher now)
Reunion Island square mileage: 970
Maui square mileage: 727
Reunion shark attacks since 2011 – 20 (8 fatal)
Maui shark attacks since 2011 – 28 (3 fatal)

I present this data to demonstrate the power of the media and its trickle down effects on our culture, society, and beliefs.

Reunion Island has faced very many shark attacks in the past six years. True.

Maui, despite having a smaller coastline and a fraction of the population, suffered ~25% more attacks over the same period of time. True.

Kelly Slater has never called for a cull on Maui. True.

It must be noted that in 2013, Reunion instituted a swimming/surfing ban for more than half the coast. They continued this effort by providing nets around certain spots and employing trained divers to watch for sharks around high frequency surf zones. This should have a negative effect on the number of attacks in that period, thus skewing the data above, but it’s hard to know by how much. Alternatively Maui has opposed all types of shark protection, including nets and hunting.

Another major difference between Maui and Reunion is the number of fatal attacks, with 8/20 being fatal for Reunion versus only 3/28 in Maui. This could be related to the types of sharks involved in the incidents, plus a bit of luck in Maui’s favor.

Regardless of circumstance, Reunion’s near 50% mortality rate is highly disconcerting and the island has received a lot media attention because of it. And while it’s important that people are aware of societal issues, overexposure to the evils of a particular entity, especially a small faction of a particular entity, can lead to rash behavior. Think Muslim ban, cop-killing.

In the original post I noted my neutrality on this topic, but it’s important not to mistake ambivalence for indifference. I’ve pondered deeply over this issue, heard arguments from “experts” on both sides, and weighed the relative importance of current humans, future humans, sharks, and the environment in trying to pick a side. I just can’t bring myself to choose.

And apparently I’m not alone.

When interviewed about Western Australia’s cull in 2014, Slater had some interesting talking points:
– “I think it’s kind of silly, humans want to control everything. We try to control (beach) erosion, we try to control sharks … we just try to control everything on this earth and it’s just crazy.”
– “It’s like we’ve lost all feeling for other creatures on some level and I think that’s kind of sad.”
– “If I got eaten by a shark, I’d be honored.”

Here, Kelly seems to be thinking more about the animals’ rights (and feelings) rather than those of the people.

Alternatively, Kelly’s response to the Reunion crisis is an example of how regular exposure to and personal ties with a subject can tinker with one’s moral compass. I don’t know if Kelly had an individual connection with any of the Reunion victims, but his friendship with Jeremy Flores was likely enough to incite the knee-jerk response. Despite his good intentions, Kelly doesn’t know what a cull (isolated or not) would do to the ecosystem as a whole. Not because he’s stupid or uninformed but because its unable to be proven with conjectural science.

What has been proven is that we’re in the midst of the Earth’s sixth major extinction, and it’s no coincidence. Whether actively (Black Rhinos) or indirectly (Panamanian golden frogs), human beings have provoked one of the most all-consuming extinction periods in the history of the world. Thousands of species are falling off at unprecedented levels (for a period without a major natural catastrophe) because of our shitty practices. Don’t believe me? There’s a whole book about it, the author of which won a Pulitzer for General Non-Fiction in 2015.

So, is culling a few sharks wrong because it helps perpetuate the downward spiral of our natural world, as caused by humans’ inherently destructive existence? Or can it be justified in the name of saving a few lives today?

Big picture the answer is simple, but like Slater, I am not immune to the grief of others nor fears of my own. To put it simply – I don’t have an answer, but I still think Slater was wrong.

Nuanced enough, Charlie?

(Charlie: Yes!)