Drunk scrawlings from another day in Coolie
It’s St. Patrick’s Day and my Fantasy team has gone to shit so you can bet your bottom Benjamin that I’m drunk as a skunk. Let’s dick in.
Kolohe vs. Jadson
Despite his improved surfing, Kolohe has made the obscure choice to wear long, wide boardshorts. It’s safe to say we’ve passed the breaking point of Kolohe’s degeneration into adult conservatism. I weep.
Jadson surfed about as well as he could in these conditions, which is to say, not very good.
ADS vs. Stu
It was hard to find one interesting thing about this heat. So hard, that I failed.
The vet wins.
Wilko vs. Jeremy
Tubes vs. turns… who wins? Definitely turns, when it’s two foot. This is a disappointing end for the always-entertaining Flores, but Wilko deserved to advance based on his vertical approach.
Joel vs. Miggy
What an interesting heat! Started out fun and onshore, middled with a wild squall, and ended with clean, tubular conditions. Miggy ripped but Joel a little harder.
Italo vs. Caio
Clash of the Thai tans! Italo’s first wave was a thing of magic. From memory, it was something like 43 turns preceding a five-second, one-foot tub. He failed to back it up with more than a four.
Meanwhile, Caio scooped an insider that tubed, considerably, and handed him something in the seven-point range. He needed another seven in the dying seconds and delivered a superman-to-rev combo that garnered a cruel, if righteous, 4.97.
John vs. Mikey
John have mercy! You can’t scare us like that!
With only three minutes remaining, John needed a 6.6. Under Mikey’s priority, John took off on an insider and proceeded to unload into a 7.9 and a sketchy victory. I’m glad John won but also want Mikey on tour full time.
Jordy vs. Zeke
The last heat of Friday (Aus time) was the best. Jordy started with an eight, followed by a Zeke seven, followed by a Zeke ten, followed by a Jordy eight. The Saffa won on decimals. The judges got it right. Snapper has rarely looked this fun.
The next day…
Mick vs. Owen
Me thinky Mick won this heat. Call it Fantasy-favoritism of regular-footed-empathy, but I’d have put Mick though. Owen’s turns were nice, but they shouldn’t have trumped Mick’s overall assault on Snapper.
Julian vs. Connor
If this wasn’t a distinct example of the backhand advantage on Tour, I don’t know what is. Connor’s two scoring waves were a masterclass on the windshield-wiper method, while Julian produced a medley of different, albeit less spray-inducing maneuvers. Connor got the nod because his turns had more in-your-face spunk, but is there nothing to be said of variety and flow?
At least my premonition of Julian came true.
Slater vs. FREDerico
Still no major turns from the old man, but nothing a good barrel can’t fix! Slater continued his flow through this heat, and Fred unfortunately lost his spark. He’s the type of surfer that relies on big sections for big scores, and none presented themselves today.
Conner vs. Seabass
I don’t know why, but I’m incredibly bored by Conner’s surfing lately. He just looks so damn intent on not falling. Seabass surfed a more interesting heat but the judges obliged blatant conservatism. Maybe they’re not wrong, but it’s still not right.
Gabby vs. Ian
Medina’s technically hurt, but you wouldn’t know it from his heat total (19.00). Turns out conservative surfing bodes well for the Brazzo, though I am surprised his scores went as high as they did. It was pretty standard backside surfing as far as I’m concerned.
Gouveia finally showed why he’s on Tour, but it was too little too late against The Freak.
Round four begins! Three-man heats and drama aplenty! But first, a nap….
And I’m up! The alcohol-induced slumber has left me with a pounding head and general disorientation but words must flow! The following reviews are the result of half-assed Heat Analyzer screenings.
Kolohe got fucked in this heat, both in wave scores and his “interference”. You can read more about that here.
ADS and Wilko stuck to their respective shticks, leaving me uninspired and with a funky taste in my mouth. The judges might just hand Wilko another win in 2017…
Did John get taller, or did his trunks just get shorter? Either way he’s looked especially lanky this event, and that’s not a good thing. Still won though.
Italo and Joel never clicked in this heat, and the waves are starting to look especially tough.
North winds have officially ruined the surf. Everyone got under eleven points. The rookie won.
Kelly continues to deliver the mid-face snap, Conner the half-layback, Medina the backside vert. Backside vert wins 9/10 times.
Joel vs. ADS
It’s incredible how much better Joel surfs, yet both he and Adriano have equivalent titles and it could be argued ADS maintains better odds of winning another. I guess it comes back to work ethic.
Joel won this one though. He might take the event.
Kolohe vs. Italo
Two men bounce around in the sea, one slightly better than the other. You could describe any heat in such a fashion, but this one especially.
Italo advances to Finals day.
Conner vs. Owen
Thank Darwin that Conner’s half-layback extravaganza is finally over. He actually surfed his last wave really well, but enough is enough. Figure out a new way to generate scores, because that turn is whack.
And how’s Owen making (at least) the quarters! Dude is next level, and that grandfather-clock rhythm hasn’t changed a beat since his Hawaiian head-shake.
Kelly vs. Jordy
Kelly wins. Finals day will be interesting. Goodnight.