Drunk scrawlings from another day in Coolie
It’s St. Patrick’s Day and my Fantasy team has
gone to shit so you can bet your bottom Benjamin that I’m drunk as
a skunk. Let’s dick in.
Kolohe vs. Jadson
Despite his improved surfing, Kolohe has made the obscure choice
to wear long, wide boardshorts. It’s safe to say we’ve passed the
breaking point of Kolohe’s degeneration into adult
conservatism. I weep.
Jadson surfed about as well as he could in these conditions,
which is to say, not very good.
ADS vs. Stu
It was hard to find one interesting thing about this heat. So
hard, that I failed.
The vet wins.
Wilko vs. Jeremy
Tubes vs. turns… who wins? Definitely turns, when it’s two foot.
This is a disappointing end for the always-entertaining Flores, but
Wilko deserved to advance based on his vertical approach.
Joel vs. Miggy
What an interesting heat! Started out fun and onshore, middled
with a wild squall, and ended with clean, tubular conditions. Miggy
ripped but Joel a little harder.
Italo vs. Caio
Clash of the Thai tans! Italo’s first wave was a thing of magic.
From memory, it was something like 43 turns preceding a
five-second, one-foot tub. He failed to back it up with more than a
four.
Meanwhile, Caio scooped an insider that tubed, considerably, and
handed him something in the seven-point range. He needed another
seven in the dying seconds and delivered a superman-to-rev combo
that garnered a cruel, if righteous, 4.97.
John vs. Mikey
John have mercy! You can’t scare us like that!
With only three minutes remaining, John needed a 6.6. Under
Mikey’s priority, John took off on an insider and proceeded to
unload into a 7.9 and a sketchy victory. I’m glad John won but also
want Mikey on tour full time.
Jordy vs. Zeke
The last heat of Friday (Aus time) was the best. Jordy started
with an eight, followed by a Zeke seven, followed by a Zeke ten,
followed by a Jordy eight. The Saffa won on decimals. The judges
got it right. Snapper has rarely looked this fun.
The next day…
Mick vs. Owen
Me thinky Mick won this heat. Call it Fantasy-favoritism of
regular-footed-empathy, but I’d have put Mick though. Owen’s turns
were nice, but they shouldn’t have trumped Mick’s overall assault
on Snapper.
Julian vs. Connor
If this wasn’t a distinct example of the backhand advantage
on Tour, I don’t know what is. Connor’s two scoring waves were a
masterclass on the windshield-wiper method, while Julian
produced a medley of different, albeit less spray-inducing
maneuvers. Connor got the nod because his turns had more
in-your-face spunk, but is there nothing to be said of variety and
flow?
At least my premonition of Julian came true.
Slater vs. FREDerico
Still no major turns from the old man, but nothing a good barrel
can’t fix! Slater continued his flow through this heat, and Fred
unfortunately lost his spark. He’s the type of surfer that relies
on big sections for big scores, and none presented themselves
today.
Conner vs. Seabass
I don’t know why, but I’m incredibly bored by Conner’s surfing
lately. He just looks so damn intent on not falling. Seabass surfed
a more interesting heat but the judges obliged blatant
conservatism. Maybe they’re not wrong, but it’s still not
right.
Gabby vs. Ian
Medina’s technically hurt, but you wouldn’t know it from his
heat total (19.00). Turns out conservative surfing bodes well for
the Brazzo, though I am surprised his scores went as high as they
did. It was pretty standard backside surfing as far as I’m
concerned.
Gouveia finally showed why he’s on Tour, but it was too little
too late against The Freak.
Round four begins! Three-man heats and drama aplenty! But
first, a nap….
And I’m up! The alcohol-induced slumber has left me with a
pounding head and general disorientation but words must flow!
The following reviews are the result of half-assed Heat Analyzer
screenings.
Kolohe/Wilko/ADS
Kolohe got fucked in this heat, both in wave scores and his
“interference”. You can read more about that here.
ADS and Wilko stuck to their respective shticks, leaving me
uninspired and with a funky taste in my mouth. The judges might
just hand Wilko another win in 2017…
Parko/Italo/John
Did John get taller, or did his trunks just get shorter? Either
way he’s looked especially lanky this event, and that’s not a good
thing. Still won though.
Italo and Joel never clicked in this heat, and the waves are
starting to look especially tough.
Connor/Jordy/Owen
North winds have officially ruined the surf. Everyone got under
eleven points. The rookie won.
Kelly/Conner/Gab
Kelly continues to deliver the mid-face snap, Conner the
half-layback, Medina the backside vert. Backside vert wins 9/10
times.
Joel vs. ADS
It’s incredible how much better Joel surfs, yet both he and
Adriano have equivalent titles and it could be argued ADS
maintains better odds of winning another. I guess it comes
back to work ethic.
Joel won this one though. He might take the event.
Kolohe vs. Italo
Two men bounce around in the sea, one slightly better than the
other. You could describe any heat in such a fashion, but this one
especially.
Italo advances to Finals day.
Conner vs. Owen
Thank Darwin that Conner’s half-layback extravaganza is finally
over. He actually surfed his last wave really well, but enough is
enough. Figure out a new way to generate scores, because that turn
is whack.
And how’s Owen making (at least) the quarters! Dude is next
level, and that grandfather-clock rhythm hasn’t changed a beat
since his Hawaiian head-shake.
Kelly vs. Jordy
Kelly wins. Finals day will be interesting. Goodnight.
