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Just in: John John screws Dane!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Come and marvel and what might have been...

Son of a bitch. I just watched the clip of Dane Reynolds surfing in his new trunks (on Stab!) and the trunks are ugly but his surfing makes me weep. Makes me weep big tears of hot regret. Makes me weep big fat tears of “what if…” Makes me weep a proverbial waterfall of “Damn, girl!”

And son of a bitch. Why didn’t Dane Reynolds stay on tour? Why did he leave us without his turns?

You just got done watching Bells. And Marg before her. And just imagine what he would have done to that canvas. Just picture it in your third chakra. It would have been something to behold, truly. A renaissance masterpiece. And Tahiti coming up and Fiji and Dane in big barrels. And Rio with the samba and damn, girl.

I know the simple reasons why Dane left. I think the World Surf League was regarded as dumb back five years ago and that cool kids didn’t do the fucking wannabe tennis tour. Well guess what? It is still dumb and a fucking wannabe tennis tour. The only problem, for Dane, is the best surfers in the world are on it, cool be damned.

John John Florence, in particular, really fucked Dane Reynolds here. If John John would have sniggered and said, “Yeah. Lame.” And just done video parts and surf big barrels all by himself etc. then he would have proven Dane Reynolds right. Off tour is the place to be.

But he surfs in the events and wins and leaves us all breathless and he oops Mick Fanning to hell. On tour is the place to be. The only place, frankly, that really matters.

Am I right?

I am right.