Man stabs you in face with board. Do you jam it back into his kisser or flee to the cops?
Four days ago, or thereabouts, a fight took place in the surf at Broken Head, near Byron Bay.
That ain’t a surprise. For all it’s commitment-free sex and the well-oiled bodies and no bras for the ladies and water so warm it’s like sloshing around in a tepid bath, the idyll stumbles when it comes to surfing.
It crowded.
And fights happen.
And so, at Broken Head, one surfer hit another surfer in the face with his board. From Byron’s local newspaper, the Northern Star.
Police said the accused 29-year-old pushed the pointy end of his surfboard into another man’s face, causing him facial injuries that bled.
Upon exiting, he was charged with assault occasioning actual bodily harm, which in NSW carries a maximum penalty of five years imprisonment.
(Of course, unless the stabber has a roll call of offences or the stabbee lost an eyeball, or he black, a fine and a suspended sentence is the most likely outcome.)
Is it ever okay to go to war over something as dumb and pointless as surfing? Conversely, is it okay to go running to the cops when things get a little heated?
Let’s examine.
Scenario #1.
It’s a four-foot point. Crowded. But you can get the occasional runner every half an hour or so. You’ve played it good. You waited your turn for the sets. You’ve called a few people you don’t know into waves and you’re feeling real happy about surfing, life, the world, humanity.
Then, as you paddle into a dreamy set, and as the pack parts ’cause they know you’ve done your time, one determined surfer looks at you in the eye and windmills into your wave from the shoulder. He shimmies and jerks and attempts an aerial and lands on your back.
You surface and he tells you that you are “a fucking kook”.
What do you do?
Scenario #2
You’ve just landed into an Australia summer from gloomy England. You unpack your Bic mini-Malibu wahine on the beach and climb into your lycra sun protection suit.
You can hardly believe your luck. It’s crowded but no one surfs nearly as good as you. You’re only out for three minutes when you deftly out-paddle the pack and, despite there being a local on the inside whom you’d noticed earlier letting waves go unridden without challenging anyone, you go, go, go. First a slash, then a kaboosh, a yahoo and then, as your own flourish, one for the ladies on the beach and the studs out the back, you soar to the heavens.
You surface to find the local staring obstinately at you. Oh you let him have it.
“Fucking Aussie kook-man”, “I challenged the wave more than you and therefore the wave was mine”, and so forth.
He responds by stabbing you in the face with his surfboard.
Do you, a, jam it straight back into his kisser, like, right into his puss, or do you run off to the police?
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Ha!
I once witnessed a diminutive Japanese surfer turn fucken Bruce Lee (acting in self-defence), and spectacularly beat-down three ‘local heavies’ of a once notorious Goldie Point. Little fella simultaneously obliterated all three with a blistering series of elbows, kicks and jabs; then collected his board, smiled cheekily at me and wandered off into the day, leaving his would be attackers gasping for air and rolling about in agony.
My newly elevated place in the peeking-order lasted all of about a week. Awesome.
No cops, that’s for sure. Definite verbal assault. Likely broken board in car park if my face was actually hurt or fucked up. When I was a kid growing up, you’d get get yourself mangled for that sort of thing.
Was the victim British? He might have deserved it depending which way he voted the other day.
Not to mention the EU referendum previously…
If he was a ‘Leaver’ I’d just cut the chit chat and straight-up drown him.
First, I would paddle in and change out of my wettie into my boardies, put on my sunnies,grab a tooheys out of the esky, and get into my backie. Then I would call me mum, and me best mates Simon, Stuart and Nigel. And then I would call Koby and Ritchie!
“It crowded”
“he black”
Will the Beachgrit war on linking verbs ever end?
Is throwing a shaka southpaw style while poised to deliver a left hook from the same hand ironic enough to confuse one’s adversary in any land? Or would this be regionally centric?
Cultural misappropriation in battle? Suit of armor. That sounds passably honorable. But what are the rules when the suit of armor is just wet neoprene?
Bruceeeeeeeee
http://drop.ndtv.com/albums…
Nice to see you. To see you… nice.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Free bics for everyone, to help combat obesity, surf rage and surfboard theft.
Looks like Mike C missed the day of days in Namibia
Corona & chill bro.
1: Start shaking and hyperventilating in a dramatically, seemingly uncontrollable manner. Roll your eyes while you moan and gibber random animal noises. Then loudly take a shit in your boardies and then proceed to scoop it out and offer it up to the other party. paddle towards them insistently, proffering the oily brown handful, trying to place it on their head. When that doesn’t work, rub it on your own head and adopt a wide-eyed gurn while jerkily paddling back to position to take a fresh wave.
2: Wait until you are back home and write SCATHINGLY witty comment about their parentage, on a relevant website.
Thats the funniest shit i read all week. And i an little boy manchester with no surf expierince but alot of love. Shit in your boardies and swim at the attacker with poopies in hands. Got it Sweet.
Scenario #1 all depends on how big the offender is. Biting your tongue whilst steam pours from your ears might be the best option if a) the offender is a big MF’r or b)if it’s little boy London.
A big Mick Fanninger?
Yep never mess with anything with eight legs and a Eugina
I would just relax in my full lycra sun suit knowing that I would be pulling that many chicks wearing it – especially in Byron
Has NormCore hit the Byron fashion scene yet? Noa seems to be getting there with his streetwear fashion choices, but full body Lycra in the water is soooooo Brooklyn Surf…
Byron’s too cool for me, i’m from mid north coast NSW. Too cold to try now but come summer i’m gunna give it a go!!
Surf pants! Because surfing is exactly like yoga.
Counterpoint: Steph wears them.
Steph is queen. She could surf in a fucking trash bag and it would look amazing and stylish. Everyone else? Just say no to surf pants. Just. Say. No.
Byron is the surf-yoga capital of the world. Possibly where surf pants evolved from. You can barely get to the waves through all the fucking rising sun yoga classes*.
*And by classes I mean organised by someone who went to a yoga class themselves once.
omg that sounds like way too much yoga
i’ve seen some hella dreamy photos of that place though!
Far be it for me to mock the place, but as a former resident, I feel entitled to do so. Some friends of mine said the place was fantastic to live in, up until the point the people who owned the businesses in town, moved out of the town area and into the hinterland. From then on, the incentive to maintain profit overwhelmed any necessity to take responsibility for the consequences.
It is an amazing place and has many fond memories, but I ain’t in much of a hurry to get back there. My hallowed ground is a bit further south now…
This all just seems so unlikely.
Neither scenario is in any way plausible really.
Surfers are far too mellow, rational and achingly cool 24/7.
Uuuuuhhhhh, #2 is the English version of me? How’d you know, Dell? Cover=blown.
, “I challenged the wave more than you and therefore the wave was mine”,
Thats Austro-Hungarian or Prussian Dell, not Pommy.
#1. Belt the cunt or follow him around the line up calling him a shit cunt in front of everyone until he says ‘no, I will not fight you, I choose not to fight you”.
#2. Chicks dig scars, fuck yeah.
Scenario #1: Kenny Powers
Scenario #2: Kenny Powers
“Beat it grom!”
I avoid these scenarios completely by surfing the B Grade locales in my neck of the woods. I thus become the alpha male, weaving my B Grade magic through the adoring pack of beginners and retro board riders. The fuckers can’t drop in on you if they can’t paddle.
us c-grade keel riders kneel before you oh holy one.
Ha! Fuck that was great!
We’re all on the Bell Curve
Evolution wise, monkeys with shoes on