Back To Top
Beach Grit

Breaking: Kelly Slater Goes to War on IG!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Kelly tells old stud, "You're a kook. You've wasted your life and talent!"

A few hours ago, Kelly Slater, the greatest athlete of all time with the possible exception of Jim Thorpe etc, wrote an innocuous Instagram post drumming up interest in the J-Bay contest.

“Serious question,” posted Kelly. “You ever stand up on a wave and feel yourself channeling someone else, almost like an entity takes over your body and you become your idea of who that person is or what they feel in your mind? Like a crime scene investigator where they have to become that person to solve the mystery or unlock the riddle before the answers unfold? At #JBay, you can’t help but be mesmerized…Tom Curren flow, Terry Fitz speed lines, Johnny Boy/Occy power stick in my mind. Here’s to hoping everyone falls under its spell in the coming days.”

Of Kelly’s two million followers, 27,409 punched like, and a couple of hundred wrote fawning responses. A typical example, “You should do some book writings, Kelly!!! Perfect discription of feelings,” wrote Christian Kattelmann. “This is how every surfer feels about you.” 

One follower wasn’t cupping the balls, working the shaft, howevs. Sean Volland, a former pro from Kelly’s hometown Cocoa Beach who goes under the handle colonel_ricc_vonn, wrote: “Truly hope you win, but honestly doubt you will!!! Maybe if you had a Simon and a Maurice in your quiv, but alas, you have all of those gay lil things that you think you rip on!!! Youre All Lucky Andy’s dead!!!”

No big deal, right?

Kelly went straight for the groin.

“You’re a kook. You’ve wasted your life and talent.”

And off it went.

colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslater “At least you reconize talent kid!!! Lmfao . Was telling Reola the other day, Id much rather be The Col. that the GOAT!!! I prefer sheep; Black Sheep!!! Watch out for them Wildcards!!:”You shoulda retired retired with 11!! Now youre just wanting, waning, and embarrassing yourself!!! You cant win Jeffry’s again!! Hell, I dont think youve got another tour win in ya!!!””

kellyslater@colonel_ricc_vonn you’ve literally done and continue to do nothing worthwhile in your life but be an envious loudmouth. It’s a feeble attempt for some attention so here ya go. You were actually a pretty cool kid and good surfer. But life did a number on you.

colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslater Damn, and you dont know shit about my life so you damn sure cant judge!!! Im stiil a cool guy, just not in the Slater’s world, but I damn sure dont lose no sleep over it, nor am I looking for 15 seconds of nothing kid!!! Dont flatter yourself!! I was just making a personal observation; no different than Derek Hynd used to get paid for!!! Im a KS11 fan; not hater!!! But Ive got a damn good eye and I call bullshit!!! Just Sayin!!! Im actually lmfao at how many people are attacking me!!! Ive got some giant, face covered in tats guy threatening my life from New Zealand!!! I aint hard to find!! Bring Em All!!! I aint never been scared!!!

kellyslater@colonel_ricc_vonn Sean, your colors don’t change. I know enough. If you weren’t looking for something you wouldn’t have said a word. You come on here insulting me and attacking other people, throwing vitriol. Always looking for attention but the wrong kind. You’re the same guy you’ve always been, that’s the problem. Nobody said you were scared but nobody is scared of you either. Now move along.

colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslater lmfao and already moved!!! Good Luck!!! I didnt insult you, nor anyone!! I just presented an opinion!!! Kinda like assholes; We all have and can be one!!! I do know one thing; You dont know dick about me boy, so dont say you do!!!

And in came the sycophants.

mitchpymont@colonel_ricc_vonn ahahahha where are you now, on tour? Kelly still easily has years at the top! Sit down boy and admire the best do his work

colonel_ricc_vonn@mitchpymont ok, Ill shut up and watch him lose 3rd Rd to someone like Yago or Jacob Wilcox!! He’d probably win if he was riding a 6’2″ Simon!!! Those things hes riding and peddling are lame; Period!!! Its regressive so his surfing!!!

And, from the ominously handled roadwarriors360,

roadwarriors360@colonel_ricc_vonn You better publicly apologize before it’s too late. Or you’ll have a crowd of angry surfers and hungry Great White Sharks after you. JR

colonel_ricc_vonn@roadwarriors360 go fuck yourself bro!! I run Kelly’s home town and fear nothing!!! He wont step to me, and Ill fight you all!!! Im a dangerous man; Dont kid yourself!!!

Ooowee, it’s a gang bang!