Hurley Pro # 4: “Filipe New Kelly Slater!”

A day of revelation on the cobbled stones with the people.

I peeked at my Rolex before the sun came up and it said, “Get thee to the people.” Not literally of course, though I do think Rolex would do well incorporating some Marxist design elements. I sprung out of bed, unfettered by a hangover only having had three Trust Me vodka and organic strawberry lemonades the night before.

Completely refreshed, I took the stairs two at a time toward the kitchen to quickly make a coffee and head out the door. To the Trestle. To you.

But while the grounds were steeping I became hungry and set about preparing poached eggs, smoked Scottish salmon, freshly ground parsley and a quickly whipped hollandaise sauce that would have made Chef Auguste Escoffier smile.

By the time I started driving Mick Fanning and Kanoa Igarashi were in the water surfing their heat re-do from yesterday’s unfortunate mixed call. I didn’t write about that nor did I see it because I was taking my role as object lesson to the people’s children in their utopian professional surf school seriously. Don’t go looking for Coopers and dance, dear children, lest you become a hungover surf journalist like me.

Whilst passing the media tent, which had been moved further south from yesterday’s location inside one of the San Onofre nuclear power reactors to a structure in the United State’s Marine base Camp Pendleton, I listened to Kanoa again getting the jump on Mick with a quick 8 something right at the opening horn. A very fine wave surfed elegantly.

And the heat ended right as I pulled into the $20 parking lot. I was clutching my phone, staring holes through the screen as a set approached, almost running over an electric bicyclist. Kanoa had surfed a few waves, though the ocean did appear very finicky. Mick had seemed to be on the same retirement tour as his good friend Joel, enjoying the gluttony of just sitting in the ocean and not surfing but there was a one wave set approaching and Mick only needed a small score to win. He paddled over it and looked casually out to sea. Into the salad years.

“White lightening is the penultimate competitor. Such a glassy guy…” Joe Turpel said, or something similarly malapropriate, as I backed the ’17 Panamera into its spot. “…And now on to the women. We’ve got Steph Gilmore and coming up next.”

“The women?” I thought but felt energized. “The women! No possible better way to spend my morning for women are the people too!” I quickened my pace, winking at the California State Park policeman who had threatened to give me a ticket when I was driving in for being on my phone.

Hurrying down the trail, over the trestle and through the reeds I marveled. It had been naked, scorching sun for the first three days of the Hurley Pro. Hot unrelenting sun everywhere that the people stood. But this day God had decided enough is enough and given the people a VIP tent of their own. High, thickish grey clouds.

And then I got my first glimpse of Steph Gilmore in the water, arcing one of the most gorgeous turns I have ever seen in my life. So fluid, so on rail, such poetry. The finicky waves of Kanoa and Mick’s heat had given way to pumping oil glass sets and watching Stephanie bag two nines made me wonder, “Could she compete against the men at pointbreaks when the surf is head high and perfect? Could she beat them all?” I know it is unfair to compare men’s surfing and women’s. They are unique flowers. But Steph’s turns mesmerized, although Lima won later in the day with more rad.

I was so mesmerized, in fact, that I ran smack dab into Surfline’s very handsome Marcus Sanders, though he looked perturbed.

“Heading to the media tent?” I asked.

“Didn’t you hear?” He responded. “The Marines are using it in a simulation drill for a North Korean invasion. Bombing sorties, tanks, heavy artillery, battalions of troops running in and all live fire. I’d be shocked if there are any survivors.”

“But I saw Michael Ciaramella and Morgan Williamson from Stab there or at least I saw their cars parked near the Camp Pendleton entrance gate!” I shrieked.

“There’s little hope.” He said while slowly shaking his head. “Notifications have already been sent to next of kin.”

The news saddened me greatly and I was unable to enjoy any more of the women’s heats, instead crouching amongst the people and drawing up plans for Stab-style funerals with a stick in the dirt. It would have to be something fantastic. Something very grand. Maybe their ashes could be taken to Uluwatu and shot into the barrel while Bruce Irons spread his arms blindfolded? Or maybe their bones could be carved by anonymous surfboard shaper and tested in the lineup by Taj Burrow?

I was leaning toward the second option when a sort of grinding sound distracted me. Looking up I saw one of the people’s very small children sating her hunger by gnawing on a piece of driftwood. Her precious small teeth working overtime trying to find some relief for her hunger.

My heart instantly went out to her. Oh the good Lord had provided shade for the people today but no bread and I had used my morning’s sandwich making time on hollandaise sauce instead. It is of course impossible, and not recommended at all, for the children’s parents to turn away from professional surf action but still.

Sad.

Suddenly I had an idea. Standing just across the way, talking important surf business with someone, was Hurley’s Evan Slater. And in his pant pocket I spied a small glimpse of a VIP wristband.

“Yes!” I thought. “Yes! I will sneak that VIP wristband out of Evan’s pants and go into the tented areas in order to bring the people’s children their nutrition! I will be a modern Robin Hood. A reverse Bernie Madoff lavishing the people with undeserved, unearned gifts and will become a hero to them but will not allow them to build statues in my likeness on Lowers’ cobbled stone nor will I allow HBO to make a special about me starring Alexander Skarsgård.

“No!” I will shout. “No! Spend your time and energy building statues of working class hero Stu Kennedy instead for he is not a real Kennedy but a grimy Australian one. Make HBO specials about Bede Durbidge starring Rhys Ifans and the people will come.”

I hurried and snuck over to wear Evan was standing, wishing I had worn the Louis Vuitton drivers of two days ago instead of the Prada penny loafers of today as they are much softer and quieter. Better for sneaking. Somehow, though I pulled it off and now had a silver ’17 WSL GUEST VIP wristband in my possession.

Should I just give it to the people?

No.

The people will get caught very quickly as it will be very instantly clear they don’t belong. Brazilian flags and dirty Reef sandals being dead giveaways. They will be ushered out and maybe ejected from the beach altogether or worse, taken to the remains of the media tent.

No.

I must go for them and so I marched south with the gilded paravel directly in my sights. I made it to the stairs and said hello to Jon Pyzel who was hurrying back toward the competitor’s area, “John John is in the next heat…” I heard him say.

Which made my mission that much more urgent. Up the stairs I strode, two at a time, and into the place of earthly delights. An exclusive eagle’s nest. A perch where the privileged feast upon handmade breakfast burritos and wash them down with bottomless Michelob Ultras. Shade. Cushioned couches. Water with hints of watermelon flavor hidden inside. It had been so long since I’d been surrounded in luxury I almost forgot how to act, tugging the neck of my pink Balmain button-down until a few of those buttons popped off.

But I could not let the people down.

Never.

My people.

And so I hurried to a bowl overflowing with fruit resting on a silky blue tablecloth. Strawberries and apples, grapes and bananas, kiwi and dragon fruit. I spotted a juicy pear nestling between a stack of one-hundred dollar bills and a brick of gold bullion.

Bingo.

I moved with vigor and snatched it then fled as quickly as I could to the dirt and rock and Africanized trash bees. Stealing from the rich and bringing to the poor. A modern day Bruce Springsteen.

By the time I had arrived back where I belonged John John was indeed in the water, fighting Jeremy Flores and Kanoa Igarashi in the no losers’ round. I handed the pear to the people’s little angel and she took it from my palm before letting it roll into the sand and then a puddle of Monster Energy Drink.

John John, out the back, was doing the most magnificent arcing turn much like Steph Gilmore’s. The man can do it all. Turn, arc, carve, barrel and air. The people do not need food when John John Florence is in the water. The peoples’ little angels can fill their empty bellies on driftwood and saltwater and greatness instead.

And the rest of the action as witnessed from the shoreline.

Round 4

Heat 3: (Jeremy vs. John vs. Kanoa)
I have disliked this part of the WSL programing, quite publicly, before but today it was perfect because John John surfed magnificently, filling the people’s li but Jeremy Flores surfed more so and Kanoa Igarashi less so. Kanoa had already beat Mick. John John is John John. Jeremy is revitalized. I wanted to see them all again and thanks to the format I get to. Egalitarian! Jeremy won but John made the better turns but look out for Kanoa.

Heat 4: (Filipe vs. Julian vs. Bede)
Julian is surfing at the very top of his game but watching Filipe in person it almost seems unfair. He sticks 100% of the airs he throws without any doubt ever. He turns on a rail. He can beat any section and the people love him. The people, surrounding me, whooped and hollered his every move in a tongue I couldn’t quite understand. He has it all. He is the new Kelly Slater and if he can put his heat strategy together he may soon be completely unstoppable. Filipe won.

Round 5

Heat 1: (Ace vs. Jadson)
And we are back to the perilous. Lose and go home. The people, of course, enjoy bloodsport and tension rose amongst them. Jadson, even though he drives a simple Toyota RAV-4 and is generally one of their favorites, was simply out-surfed by Ace. The waves were slow but no care and no matter. Ace for the win.

Heat 2: (Jordy vs. Seb Z.)
Never count Sebastian out. No not ever. Only count him out when there are no waves and there is 30 seconds left and Jordy Smith is winning. Is Jordy getting closer to a stranglehold on the title?

Heat 3: (John vs. Bede)
No not a stranglehold for behold, John John! The man with two working-class first names! There was a full seventeen minute lull in the middle here and the people became very uneasy and hungry once again because of the no surfing. I would have gone to the high VIP places and brought them steaming pasta alfredo and caviar but… John John. He is a magician. And I was right not to leave. The waves turned on and he put on a show that will fill the people’s bellies until dinner.

Heat 4: (Kanoa vs. Julian)
Very tense. Wrought with tension. Much for you to discuss in the comments. Kanoa won.

Quarterfinals

Heat 1: (Li’l Plumber vs. Ace)
So close. Heat restart. Ace stoked to be alive on finals day. And I’ll admit, I’ve left the people. I’ve driven the Panamera home and am sipping more Trust Me vodka and organic strawberry lemonades and feeling so invigorated. When was the last time you were with the people? I’m telling you, their scent is even more stirring than cocaine.

Heat 2: (Fred vs. Jordan)
Are they the same person or is that the vodka writing? Is Frederico like Weight Watchers Jordy? The “before” of the “before and after” Jordy? I passed Jordy on the trail. I was hot. Hurrying. Thinking about what else I could steal from the rich to give to the poor. Should I put one of the people in the Panamera and drive him to an Occupy Wall Street protest? Is Occupy Wall Street still a thing? Jordy was so crazy focused. He was like a boxer with his hype boys behind carrying surfboards. Maybe I should ask one of his hype boys? But they were gone before I could and now he is surfing against Fred and it is a seesaw battle. Pottz is getting hot. Bothered. He loves it. Jordy gets a good wave and does a better claim. Double shaka to chesty.

Oh yes there were no losers today. The people were given benevolent gifts. Heaven’s shade, man’s pear, Steph, John John and Filipe’s free and public performance art.

No losers at all.

Except for Jadson, Sea-bass, Bede, Julian, Adriano and Fred.