How to: Build your own Surf Ranch!
All secrets revealed!
Once, when I was a little boy, I came to southern California to visit my cousins and it was my birthday. My uncle took me to a surf shop, mystical in my young Oregonian eyes, and said, “Pick whatever you want.” I picked a Surfer magazine (because it must have been assumed that surfboards, wetsuits, etc. were not included in his generous offer). And now I sometimes write for Surfer magazine under The Weekly Grit! moniker.
Would you permit me to be honest with you for just one moment? A little real talk? I am neither a scientist nor mathematically inclined. If doctors were allowed to study my brain they would discover synapses coated with bourbon firing vague memories borrowed from Sex and the City episodes (Chas Smith playing the role of Carrie Bradshaw, of course). If they peered deeper, they would stumble upon an above average Mark-Occhilupo-singing-karaoke impression. Nowhere would they find “science” or “math.”
And then guess what? I totally reveal the entire patent to Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch!
After that I basically describe the mechanics of Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch because a magical being sent me the ENTIRE patent for the thing. And also come over to my house and help me dig the Wave Corral. The commenters at Surfer think I’ve helped lead to the demise of that proud title and tell me my brain is full of used condoms so I don’t think they’re coming.
My uncle would be most upset.