"The WSL presumes its audience is completely retarded," writes noted author.
Two years ago, I moved into an apartment on the beach, the rent including cable television the significance of which will soon become obvious.
First, a caveat.
I love surfing, the actual activity of surfing, taking whatever bit of fibreglass you like and going for a paddle, preferably away from as many other cunts as possible, getting the odd cover up or doing a semi-decent turn in between bogging rails and falling on drops. Happy days.
But the ins and outs of the surf “industry”, the contests, the web clips, the stickers on boards, the Dion Aguis’ in their German cars, failing miserably to cover up their balding melons with ridiculous dome knitwear, whinging that their five-star Airbnb’s have regulation Kleenex toilet paper rather than the more nuanced jet-stream Evian water bidets that really fuel the creative juices a “freesurfer” needs for survival.
Creativity starts from the ring piece, Oscar Wilde famously wrote.
What a terminal fucking wank the whole scene is.
Well, being as self-righteous as I am lazy, I put aside my disdain for the façade of professional surfing and opted to stay nuzzled up on the comfort of the couch and watch most of the 2015 Goldy Quikky event. I could have ridden my pushie a few clicks south to watch the whole shebang in real life but, you know, yuck.
Filipe was blowing minds, Turpel was blowing Pottz and I can’t really remember much else of 2015 apart from Owen Wright stroking into the bomb of the year at the Box like it was two-foot North Steyne and Mick belting that massive Noah to a pulp in the bristling offshore afternoon at J-Bay.
Recently, I decided to watch Steph Gilmore slay Honolua and realised what it is specifically about the WSL that leaves its viewers feeling abused and very unlikely to ever return – the WSL presumes its audience is completely retarded. Well fuck you, WSL. You harp on and on about the rules of the sport as though anyone watching your contest has only, just today, discovered the sport.
Joe Turps will painstakingly explain what a “Combo” is replete with a paragraph on the screen describing “Combo” too. Pottz will then throw in his waffling two cents about “Paddle Battles” and how, back in his day, before he was a neutered WSL employee, he actually was worth listening to.
Then they’ll cross to BL, frothing out almost to death in the channel, foam literally oozing from the edges of his mouth, fresh from watching some girl stink up a wave in a new and innovative way that no one could have previously envisaged and how it’s so lucky Micro Hall is a super coach otherwise there is no possible way anyone could even function another moment on Earth without his sage counsel.
It’s just a big, endless, backslapping, squirrel-gripping, human centipede farce.
I don’t tune in to see Conor McGregor belt the living shit out of some poor fella in a cage and have Joe Rogan seriously explain to me what a fist in the face, an elbow in the ear and a knee in the ribs will do.
WSL, why do you persist on assuming anyone watching your product has somehow stumbled upon you, completely forlorn and bewildered, in need of your patronizing guidance like we’re all in kindergarten?
And why do you feel the need to back-slap everyone as though a piece of honest commentary will have you all facing off against a sea of litigators? It’s pathetic.
(Editor’s note: Liam Carroll is the author of Sweet Dreams of Fanta, a lovely memoir of a boy who was a “fat tub of freckly lard… a young fella with bright eyes, open ears and big dreams, blessed with the invincible strength that every child has when they know with all their heart that the people they love the most in this world love them right back even more.” Mr Carroll, who is thirty-seven years old and lives in Sydney, also wrote the book Slippery, “a lad’s story about capitalism on steroids.”
I think what’s needed is an alternative commentary… turn down the WSL and turn up the alternative. Come on, if we could do it in the 90s surely we can do it in the 21st century!
but the sad fact is, we still watch it. does that mean we are, in actuality retarded?
What does the missus think of your goat boating? Would love to see you two going at it, “your cock is so small and you are a fucking goat boater!!!”
for sure – for those in Oz we had Roy and HG commentate the rugby league. Just a big general pisstake. Friggin epic
Amen 🙏
those milky waves tho
Don’t even talk to me about that stupid little pen they draw on the screen with.
the pen needs to be shot into the sun
Methinks you really mean some region where the sun don’t shine.
That was literally the best article I ever read on here. I would buy your book, but I can’t read.
Where do you live sir? I’ll send you a perfectly fresh Slippery paperback mate. Just let me know. [email protected] I write for people that can read but choose not to because 99.99% of novels are utter horseshit. I reckon you’ll froth on Slippery, assuming of course that you like aggressive drinking, reckless whoring and lucking your way into shitloads of easy money in the wondrous depths of Southeast Asia
As long as Malia Manuel rocks the white Lululemon trunks I’m watching. I mute the WSL announce’s broadcast and blast pornhub on my speakers. You should try it. I’ve heard enough of Pottz and BL rambling to last a lifetime….
their sponsorship totally worked because i want a pair of those lulu thingies over here rn
Fuck me, you’re a genius, that is heaven!
I like the cut of this Cunt’s cunt. Sign him up, he’s a good read.
Agreed, I give Liam high marks for style and cynicism, but the topic was too obvious. Needs to find a more unique angle and apply that apparent talent.
Low hanging fruit, but still, he was the first to pick it!
This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me! You legend!! And I don’t think there’s any doubt whatsoever that you’re packing a gorgeous cunt that is cut absolutely superbly.
And we welcome you, Capt. Obvious to the power of 2.
They are making the broadcast like commercial radio in America: watered down to the lowest common denominator, while alienating the avid fan.
They should introduce a morning radio style soundboard with the commentary.
Meh…they do the same thing here in the States with NHL hockey. Go to a game in Arizona and the announcer is explaining what icing is. I mean…you’re at a professional sporting event…know the basic rules, for fuck’s sake. And while we’re at it…take off the goddamn ski gloves. You’re inside a building where it’s 70 degrees. Just because there is ice doesn’t mean the building itself is kept below freezing.
I call this Speakers Zombie Strategy. The sport is continually oriented towards and addressing `a zombie audience of middle america….an audience that doesn’t exist.
Sophie G is going to double down on this, or triple down. Wait until the wavepool.
Bring the kava, xanax or whatever the hell you need to dampen down the central nervous system.
I saw a commercial for The University of Colorado as well one for building block tape. Da fuck?
The CU commercial is probably because the school is half full of rich kids from Southern California.
Second para. Indeed: happy days.
Mullet has a distinct, succinct point however.
The Honolua commentary that I watched was the worst ever: they kept saying “oh, Carissa is off her game, she’s sucking bla bla,” when in reality, there were no fuc$ing set waves! They should have been saying what I was saying: “there’s no fucking waves. Carissa has to just catch a wave, any wave; wtf is she doing.” The commentators said the same damn thing during the final: “ahh, Malia’s nerves got her, bla bla bla.” When in reality, there were no waves and Malia messed up by waiting for a set when all she needed to do was surf. You can’t win heats if you don’t catch waves! Good lord. Then, today, Peter Mel was being a total dick, arguing with Kaipo and acting like an arrogant prick. Jesus, they really do need to get some normal people in there. The UFC is a good comparison: their commentators are awesome.
And so say all of us!
Is it possible to love surfing but hate surfers?
Only need sit on the sand at the Pass Byron for 1 hour to realise, geez we’re a bunch of wankers!
You couldn’t pay me to surf the Pass hey. Nah, who am I kidding, you could pay me to flog meself on the headland and I’d definitely consider it.
Let’s be honest. Surf’n, surf culture & surfers have a level of retardation that cannot be denied.
Maybe The WSL knows us better than we care to admit?
This is old news and I’ll calmly explain without yelling: It’s because the WSL is hell fucking bent on teaching and selling surf to non surfers. It’s a relentless stream of condescending shit aimed at the non surfer and has been for years. News flash WSL…Non surfers don’t give a fuck about surfing and never will.
Yep…. Until Surfing becomes a combat sport, there’s little to no hope of captivating a non surfing audience. As one of my non surfing colleagues who hates golf claimed whilst we struggled for ownership of the remote control “Id rather watch women’s golf”
I used to ski race and it was the same thing. Some how the commentators had it in their head that people were going to get hooked on watching ski racing from their 1 viewing (if that) during winter olympics. It’s never going to happen stop catering to people that are probably chuckling at watching it.
The terms wrap around, cut down, re-set and a bundle of other bullshit words have me feeling like I’m watching a sport that is completely foreign to me anyway.
Sama sama, I have never heard a top turn described as a ‘jam’ outside of WSL’sville. I just assumed that wherever the fuck the Turpinator is from it’s common parlance, but now I wonder.
“You guys see that jam? Said no one ever.
Gay as fuck
Didn’t Kaipo, without any irony or shame, ask his followers on Insta to send him some fresh surfing terminology to sharpen his game on the Webcast. I shit you not.
yes he did I recall that 100%
I heartily agree Nik Karol, and also concur with Harry Dean. Recently I was chatting to a normal looking surfer about how shifty it was, and he said “yeah, it’s a big playing field out here.”
Immediately I recognized him as an experimental WSL cyborg, said in a clear voice “and a good day to you sir,” and paddled to the opposite end of the playing field.
Ha! We’re living in interesting times.
Don’t forget “Spicy”