Even the A-plus pussy thing gets old…
If you’re a man who lives within any proximity of the beach, you’ve always wanted to be a pro surfer. Like, aha, yeah, sure you want to be an accountant or a representative for a pharmaceutical goods company.
Girls wanna be models of course (hence the pout-y selflies with peace signs and bent legs, hands on hips etc) but beach rats wanna be a pro surfer. It’s validation of your manhood and your superiority over your dopey pals.
But, face it, it didn’t happen or it ain’t gonna happen.
Maybe you’ll scoop a minor sponsor, here, there, maybe you’ll even get a few free boards, but when the World Surf League steals only 34 surfers from the planet’s great pool of surfers (millions!), you don’t have to be Stevie Hawkings to see those miserable odds.
Yet…and yet… the tour isn’t the dick-swinging time you might think it is.
1. The pussy thing gets old
By the time the surf prodigy is 16 he’s engaged MILFs in relatively straight congress, had a handful of threesomes (though mostly guy-guy-girl), has faced maybe a dozen winking anuses (female) and has seen every variety of tit, pussy and haunch god ever created. The average man banks a dozen fucks, twenty if he’s a smooth-talker, on average, in his lifetime. A surf prodigy will roll those numbers during one good long weekend at a junior series event. You want to know why those pro’s get married so young? Cause they realise that sex without love ain’t much more than an agreeable friction. (Although that epiphany will eventually dull.)
2. Want to kill the thing you love? Do it for a living.
When you and I go for a surf we schralp around for an hour or so, talk to our pals, fall off on every air attempt, drop-in, get dropped-in on, do fins-first take-offs and have a general blast. Now, imagine, your entire career, your life, your finances, your emotional health and, in some cases, the welfare of your family, depends upon you nailing two sets in a heat and banging off 10 perfect turns. And when you get home the internet is full of couch-cowboys telling the world what a kook you are. Stressful!
3. It’s so serious!
One-time tour surfer Mitch Crews thought the qualifying series had set him up for the most sublime experience of his life. And yet, “I felt very awkward in the competition area because I’m really social and felt like I had to go through the charade of putting my headphones on and then staring at the camera all strong.” No one’s there to make pals. They’ve seen Kelly nail 11-titles, and Mick three, from serious.
4. Mostly, it ain’t flying biz
Travel once a year and what a thrill it is to paw at the airline magazines, rip things out of sealed plastic bags and drink wine from plastic cups while the world soars beneath you. Do it every week and it loses all of its sheen, and then some. If you’re top three, you can afford biz. But who’s top three!
5. Bores at bars
I see it around every contest. Some fan eating the ears of a pro, friendly at first, then increasingly belligerent as the pro politely (and they’re always polite) declines his offer of drinks, drugs (If the Gold Coast, meth, if Spain, coke, if Portugal, MDMA) or to kiss his girlfriend. Every pro needs a Johnny Gannon or a Kaiborg. But who can afford it?
6. The surf media
Can you imagine being called up or cornered every day by writers whom, by even the kindest measure, are borderline retarded?
7. There ain’t a lot of money in it
For Kelly, Joel, Mick, Taj, Gabriel… yes. For the back end, a hundred grand goes into the bank, a hundred-ten gets spent on travel. After five years you end up back in your country town trying to kick-start a surf school or schlepping oversized tees on the road.
8. There’s a chance you’ll be killed
Ever since big-wave surfing went psycho a few years back, the chances of being snuffed out in a heat has increased to it now being… likely. Ten foot Teahupoo; eight-foot Pipe. Not a lot separates you from rock.
9. The weird dynamic with friends
Once you get famous people treat you differently. Friends treat you differently. They walk a little to the side or behind with a sudden deference. And why wouldn’t they? Fans will come up and step right into your conversations with your pal. Girls will elbow the non-famous friend out of the way. And they don’t say a thing! Weird! But not as weird or awkward as…
10. You pay for everything
Let’s say you make it. Big time. A contender but not really. A million Americano shekels a year. You’ve got a couple of houses, a pretty car. But go out for dinner and the little leather wallet will be placed in front of you every single fucking time, either by staff or discreetly by head friend, to, like “fix up”. He’s rich! We’re not! is the unspoken transaction.
this article made me laugh multiple times. Thank you.
I think the biggest laugh was calling surf journalists borderline retarded (by the kindest measure)
This was a classic.
A Schralp the Gnar Craftsman.
No. You were their 401K administrator. Or contributor. No wait! Yeah, probably administrator.
Quit giving away my secret!!!
Also packing and I believe the chicks must tell each other about it cause it’s raining little Asian bitches!!!
That slight lift of the skirt is beautiful
Or, you can do the free surf career, be less financially set, carry a touch less fame, fly a bit less. Im pretty sure brett barley has the game on lock. He doesnt have to do contests. He lives at home with the wifey and kids and surfs 5 minutes from his house most of the time grinding out edits. That is when he’s not off to stay at the O’neil house for a few weeks in the winter to snag WOTW entries or going on paid trips to where the hell ever.
Thats the gig you want. Pressure free, fun surfing that pays the bills
Brett Barley?
Never heard of him.
See and Surfer mag is still pushing his most recent edit. He just got a Wave of the winner entry at insanities just before pipe ran and he got paid to go to skeleton bay during that last big swell they had there before that.
Like i said. That lack of full blown fame while still keeping the bills paid is the right combo of surfing and working.
Looks like it!
Heres his last years WOTW just because its ridiculous
https://youtu.be/q7vryzrO0UM
You know who else thought they were above average?
SurfStitch.
Word. I became so jaded after winning the Coolum Boardriders Seniors Comp (Class B) some years back
Twas never the same again
And gets old so quickly!
I’ve read various versions of this story over the decades. It’s not that good being a pro! Endless pussy and endless flights around the world gets old real fast! Surfing J-Bay with two guys out is boring!
Seriously, these cunts have never mowed a lawn. Not even once.
Stu Kennedy is mowing Longtoms lawn as we speak.
bing!!!!!
If he could only deal with the lantana and camphor it’d be swell.
Yeah, those fuckers have it hard. I consider myself average though and I’ve banged like 200 women not including prostitutes. I’m not quite sure where you come up with the average man only banging a dozen chicks.
average looking? average surfer? average in bed? punching way above your weight then – I salute you!!
Average pretty much everything except am 6’5 and look like a movie star. But no money, no ripping harder than average and I assume you can tell by my posts way below average intelligence.
better than average comeback though!!
200? you’re either an 107 year old teenager or a complete asshole.
Really? few years on the Goldy as a young man and most can get to a hundred pretty easily.
That’s only possible due to the high levels of Kiwi Girls living there…
Rough as guts a lot of them but love opening their legs
Even the fat ones need a bit of luvin
Who are you to be the morality police? So he fucked 200 girls. Big deal. As an administrator I find it interesting that you voice your personal objections to a guy that screwed a bunch of chicks, but even worse, you then called him an asshole for his personal choices; As an administrator on the site that you are supposedly “administrating”. Well, I fucked over 100 girls in a span of a few years in my time. Not everyone is married with children Negatron. Me and resumes chased women. You said yourself that you did gutter drugs. I didn’t call you an asshole for making those choices. I enjoyed myself. The girls enjoyed themselves. You enjoyed yourself. Nobody was hurt. Nobody needs to call anybody an asshole.
I never called anyone an asshole.
I’ll think you’ll find I suggested he might be a complete asshole.
Ok, you are teqnically correct. But that is pretty much the same thing as calling them an asshole. But whatever, it doesn’t really matter to me. I dont want to seem like I’m trying to defend Resumes, because he’s a grown man who can defend himself, I’m sure. And truthfully, I don’t agree with a lot of his opinions, but I still enjoy his comments just because he says some funny stuff. It’s entertaining. Just like Sean Volland, ultra opinionated, says what ever he feels like saying. I don’t agree with him either sometimes, but he’s funny as hell and it keeps Beach Grit entertaining for me. Keeps me coming back every few days. Whatever happened to Maurice Cole? He used to keep Rory on his toes and say some pretty polarizing things too. I wish he would come back and spout his opinions again. I enjoyed reading Rory’s stuff for the same reason, even if he was sometimes way out there in his views.
I seriously debated calling you out on your comment earlier, as you are the moderator and can delete comments and banish people like the hand of god, but I had rarely seen a moderator publicly “almost” call someone an asshole before because he likes nailing pussy. But I guess it got a reaction out of me. Just like art, if the viewer has a negative or positive reaction to the piece, that’s still better than no reaction at all.
Aloha
P.S. I love your country. I went there solo for 3 months in 94 and surfed almost every day. Both islands camping out in a beater car and had the time of my life. Friendly people, great waves. But I almost thought I was never going to bag a New Zealand chick before I left. So much time by myself camping out in the bush. But then I got 2, on consecutive nights right at the end of the trip. One was a husky little wombat, but I needed to get something on the board. and the other we got busted in the broom closet of the central Christchurch hostel by the manager, right in the middle of the dirty deed. But he said he would let us finish, and don’t do it again. Fun times.
Resumes gets I’m taking the piss… it wasn’t an attack on his choices or him.
I’ve got my own style of moderation and I’m not about to start taking it to seriously nor towing some lame moral line to how I should behave. I’ve got my own rule book and have only had minimal tears so far.
I don’t mind being called out and I’d never ban nor delete someone’s comments for doing that.
Maurice still posts here daily but under a new Anonymous avatar.
Yeah NZ ain’t a half bad place to call home!
Including hookers, how many?
Like 1000
You more Johns! Like way more than 2X! Then again, he’s 2X John John World League Champ! Are you in that League? Or just a League of your own? Johnny Cash Spent League?
I too consider myself an average guy and I have never fucked a hooker.
Were you scared? Or do you have a moral objection?
When I was 18 I moved to a city and 3 prostitutes hung out on the corner outside of my window. I guess I am repulsed, scared and morally opposed. The guys that would drive in from the suburbs and pay $20 for a blow job into a condom while sitting in the family car were pretty pathetic.
Wonder what the tinder generations stats are?
When faced with your impeccable resume, how could they not drop to their knees and give you a job offer?
Some good points , but it still beats banging nails or shuffling papers
But does it? A few years going out of your mind with stress then, when you’re not John John or Kelly, you spend your dotage banging nails, operating marginally profitable surf schools etc.
Maybe just maybe change is in the wind, why can’t surfing, like tennis and golf have the top 100 all making 300k plus, in Australia we now have Woolworths (aus biggest supermarket chain)) sponsoring state junior surfing, the wave pools and contests are starting next year and surfing is now apart of the olympics, is it time to leave our 90’s cynicism and embrace the new surfing dream…
You can take my 90s cynicism out of my cold dead hands. Also my 80s greed and 70s disco moves.
Depends on the individual. I know plenty of office or construction guys with massive mortgages, wives driving them nuts, kids keeping them up all night who are close to loosing the plot.
The work mortgage family trap zaps the life out of many a surfer. Make your decisions wisely
But the mortgage trap, if stepped into with eyes open, can yield terrific, game-changing benefits a dozen years or so down the track.
Good point. Opportunity cost of youth/time vs future reward. Pick your balance i guess
Maybe a little of both. Stretch to buy place near beach; hold it for dear life, cash out and move to, fuck, I don’t know, Hossegor or something. That’s my plan.
Wipes the surfing out of a surfer
I have made a good living doing a construction based business which I am very happy with. When I surf or go hunting it is a pure joy with no pressure and my job enables plenty of time for leisure.
You work construction and have spare time?
Fakk ya
Nice. You forgot one, though:
11. Severely intellectually and socially crippled will be any children you and your partner produce