Are you action oriented? Do you like watching rich people fall on waves?
Last November, the World Surf League gifted me and Charlie, along with several others, a showpiece day at Surf Ranch in Lemoore, a city in Kings County, California.
The WSL’s hospitality was excellent, as was the company, which included the noted commentator and troubadour Selema “Sal” Masekela. I‘ve dined on the story of my trip almost every day in the five months since.
What was notable, apart from the size of the joint, the tasteful furnishings, pavilion-style buildings and Sal’s consumption of protein bars, was the general glow among the workers – the lifeguards, the administrative staff and so forth; the sort of ambience that only comes when the culture you work within is kind and fair.
The one drawback, of course, is the staff don’t actually get to ride the wavepool so much, which must make them want to tug chunks of hair out.
Recently, the WSL posted a job advertisement for an Administration Manager at Surf Ranch. If I had access to a work-in-America visa, I’d be tripping over my nightdress to apply.
I have all the required skills apart from “a thorough understanding of office management practices including Accounting and Human Resources. Daily duties will include assisting with administrative business tasks such as onboarding, timecard management, payroll, work rule enforcement, account coding, financial reporting, purchase order management, and budgeting.”
Of the “personal attributes” required, “Integrity and honesty, exceptional attention to detail, masterful organizational skills, an enthusiasm for coaching, teaching, and the development of people and action-oriented — enjoys working hard and looks for challenges” I like to think of myself as “action-oriented.”
If I was asked in the interview what I don’t do well, a question designed to test your honesty, I would say, “I’d go glassy-eyed and catatonic watching kooks blow wave after wave.”
Do you have what it takes? Would you set up a home in cotton-farming Lemoore so you could work at Surf Ranch?
The salary is undisclosed although I imagine around 100 thousand dollars per year would be a rough approximation.
“IT all started when he asked to pull a tick off his head. I was thinking, I’ve hiked and camped before. He spent most of the day in the pool. There are no ticks in there.”
Later he wanted me to put my whole hand on his head, out spread my fingers, like palming a basketball . . .
She did not care at this point. The phone was slid between the two, making a hiss on the table. She laughed inwardly at the empty cigarette tray. The glass of water was filled, the ice cubes crisp. A deep sigh, as she nervously glanced at the giant mirror on the wall beside them. She wondered how many were behind, starting at them.
“Yes, I applied in 2018. November. I was replacing Amanda Huggenskis, the prior Administration Manager. I did everything in the job description. She trained me for a week, then left. At first there were the parties. Kelly said I could put on the clock. It was fun at first. But I really liked the pool cleaner.”
The detective’s badge shone as he moved, shuffling a dossier and looking at the picture, a young man staring blankly with long wavy hair. “A mister, Ricardo Hallens.” She nodded, “Yes. He was sweet, wasn’t fake. Most of the people that worked there wanted to ride after hours or thought they were pro surfers. Which was allowed. He was not frothing to go. He’d go, yes, but not as much as most of the employees. But after a few hours, the maintenance guys would stop all operations.”
She said, “Kelly noticed it. I mean, I was nice to Ricardo, but then we started talking. I was busy, he was busy. We’d ditch the after contest parties to do our own thing. But Lemoore’s a small place. I’m sure word got back to Kelly. And the little things we did to bring each other close.” Another deep sigh, “So one day he’s at a photo shoot and the machine quits. It’s like a big train locomotive. I ran to tell Kelly that Richard and Ricky, Ricky Vallenzula, part of the engineering department, they were already on it. Kelly had his assistant get some more wine and food, the photographer and crew were told to take a break. He stopped me after I gave the report [they were fixing it]. And then. It all started when he asked to pull a tick off his head. I was thinking, I’ve hiked and camped before. He spent most of the day in the pool. There are no ticks in there. But he showed me his bald head and pointed to spot. And there was something black. He said, ‘I know you got steady hands and aren’t squeamish. Just pull it off.’
That was true. One of the contest after parties . . . They left the tracks open, so the locomotive could flatten pennies or other coins and run over poppers. You know, the firework thingys. After a drunk WSL hopeful had fallen into the locomotive and his body was cleaved into parts, the blood streaking all over. It was horrible. The images still come up in my head . . . of the surprised look and the blood dripping and staining the pristine aqua blue pool. His head then drooped and he died. Everyone freaked out, I gasped but steeled myself and called 911. I was the first one to do so. Kelly said I was like a champion.
I took it, but it wasn’t a tick. It was part of that tail pad thing on a surfboard. Kelly laughed. Later, another time, he wanted me to put my whole hand on his head, outspread my fingers, like palming a basketball . . . He would close his eyes. And slowly it kept ramping up. I managed to put a stop to it, when one of the girls had mentioned Kelly got upset when she saw the Andy Irons movies and said Kelly only won due to a judgement call on that Pipe contest.
So during the opening of the San Diego Park, after the after party ended, Kelly and I were alone. He was in his board shorts and told me to get into the water, but I was in my mini skirt and business top, with my jacket on. I didn’t. He rushed out and grabbed and pulled me in. I was angry but glad for Iphone X’s water proof. Good thing my purse was on the table. He undid the ties to his shorts but I mentioned Andy Irons had cooler surf trunks, the World War 2 rising son / karate kid ones.
And then he exploded and splashed water. He screamed. Yelled and shook, balling his fists. I felt so unsafe and thought he was going to hit me. So I ran. But No . . . He didn’t hit me but it was like he was a kid, throwing a tantrum. He was jumping around and his shorts came loose, but more people came running up. It was funny as he was trying to grab his shorts but the wave machine turned on and a wave took them away. He was so angry.
When the Beachgrit article came out, with whole pictures. I don’t know how they got them. But they did. Kelly blamed me. Ricardo told me he turned on the wave machine when he was going to surprise me but saw me with Kelly, thinking I went behind his back and swamp us with a wave.
A month later I was laid off due to lack of vision and unable to collaborate with management on ground breaking epic events . . . “
Lemoore you earn , the less you surf ! So much for Lemoore the merrier ?
Lemoore you earn ,the less you surf ?And in surfing’s case does Lemoore the merrier represent the best possible outcome for the tribe ?
The correct answer to what don’t you do well is “Surf.” That’s the winning ticket.
Fcuk the world- I wanna get off- http://www.abc.net.au/news/… “The future of surfing
Currently there are more than 35 million surfers worldwide and the estimated global surf industry spend is more than $10 billion a year.
But the WSL is losing revenue and sponsorship, and iconic surf companies like Billabong have struggled to remain financially viable.
Reuben Buchanan said the advent of wave pools might be part of the answer.
“By introducing surfing to more people, by taking it inland, it means there’ll be more t-shirts, more surfboards, more surfboard fins, more surf lessons, the whole industry it will actually allow to grow,” he argued.
Sophie Goldschmidt agreed surfing could use the boost.
“Quite frankly, anyone that has an interest in surfing we want to engage with,” she said.
“That’s good for the sport, that’s good for business and, collectively, that will help take things to the next level.” –
There is a major disconnect between surfing as a sport and the rest of us mere mortals for whom it is a lifestyle.
Surfing Soph wouldn’t know her arsehole from her earlobe.
Well, in her case they’re probably connected.
Here Soph engage with this – honey, you’re full of shit !
Anyone! Desperate times.
This is complete bullshit.
There is nowhere near 35 million surfers worldwide. If there were, the surfboard industry would be at least ten times bigger than its current size, as would be the WSL CT viewership. There would also be about 16,000 regular surfers at my home beach when in fact there is about 160.
The WSL has in fact gained in sponsorship revenue in the past year despite the departure of Samsung. Jeep upped their deal and Facebook pitched in considerable dollars even if a bit of their purported $30m over two years is hopeful thinking. In addition revenue both from CT naming rights and QS licensing fees is well up on recent years.
However the $10 billion global surf industry spend is very wishful. It relies on total guesswork and includes a wide range of corporations whose products can only very broadly be included as “surf” related.
I don’t have these figures at all but I would very much like to know how the Welsh and Texan surf industries have been expanded in the past couple of years as a result of the commercial pools in Snowdonia and Austin Adjacent. My guess is very very little.
I think they have counted all the northern europeans who attended a soft board surf a school in portugal in the last 3 years. almost every beach that was relatively quiet 10 years ago now has several competing surf schools competing for space or as they out it, “sharing the stoke”, between April and September. its quite a sight.
I get the idea of trying to sell surfing to people who live further inland, I mean it worked with me. But it worked for me not in the way that they think. They’re selling the wrong idea of surfing. I fell in love with surfing bc of the idea of traveling and being with the ocean and going on surf trips and having no other goddamn choice but to stoke on shit waves sometimes. If they opened a wave pool in my hometown, I probably would have never gotten into surfing.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
No stoke required. No leisure wanted.
Enthusiasm for scrubbing duck shit off machinery is probably the fundamental criteria.
But… I’m confused… there’s no duck-diving required in the Nocean.
You just gets out and walks back to starting line.
I don’t really know how the wave machine works but I figured it was some large anvil like object being dragged through the water by the train thing on the side. I think we should have Pete Mel donate his life to science by giving us a clinic on duck diving a 15ft gun in Kelly’s pool. Here’s hoping it’s a gory horror show of organs and limbs imbedded in glassy foam chunks blowing out the back with the spray as the anvil demolishes him at full speed.
Jeezo. What a picture. Are you pissed off you only have a brewery, not a Nocean?
I wouldn’t need a wave pool if all you cunts fucken quit surfing. Trying to sum up why I’m pissed off might not be possible.
Retirement can be tough on the soul. You’ll get over it. Perhaps you could take up lawn bowls, or trolling Otto about Flat Earth theories.
If I were Mick Fanning I would’ve left that Karissa bitch for Pia Miller way before Karissa had the chance to dump me. FUCK PIA IS HOT MATE.
I’m weeping looking at her Instagram right now.
Probably as shallow as the thickness of your phone mate. I’ve generally found that people who sashay around trading on their physical looks have very little worthwhile to say.
I’d far rather have a lower-polygon GF with a superior mind.
Cultural capital is important.
Beauty comes from within.
the one way of saying “I like large girls”
Oh no… definitely not.
The idea of Chubby Chasers make my stomach turn.
she can send you provocative images of her brain scan, neurons firing everywhere
Agree
Nobel prize winners Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson ( awarded for their discovery of cosmic microwave background radiation which validated the Big Bang Theory ) are famous for scrubbing White dielectric material , Bird Shit , off the Bell Labs horn antenna in NJ during their research in an attempt to quiten the noise which eventually lead to their fame .
Chas should get a job as the disgruntled groundskeeper.
ChazzyShack.
Throwing the ol’ chokito bar in the pool.
Dropping a chubby runner in the pool.
Is that like a ‘Coco Solid’?
I am totally guilty of shameless plagiarism and have to give credit where credit is due.
Chas has to be credited for the term, although I will willingly admit to umm, using the term out of context.
And will do so again.
Nothing would give me greater pleasure than if the one armed gardener would creep out of the bushes while focus is centred on the artificial wave and drop a chubby runner.
Shoulder in sling, cursing at pool every day.
Peeking through the bushes with his one good arm and cursing Slater under breath. This screen play almost writes itself!
But, secretly practising. Uses board left behind by Bethany Hamilton, the ones with the handle.. Learns to tube better than Kelly.
Yes. Wins the Lemoore pro and scored a free ticket to the Pipe Masters. But alas cannot compete because Sophie forgot to file the appropriate form in time
Job description – 1) ensure $800 per wave fee is paid upon entry. 2) Do the best to make sure “any kooks blowing waves” are still charged $800 per blown wave.
Butter up said kooks with Michelob, Purps, OK product Chia, music by coldplay and Jack John.
Push this model globally. Repeat
Collect bonus
And celebrate with drinks and bold bets at the Tachi Palace blackjack tables!
If those fields had artichokes instead of cotton I’d be there in a heartbeat.
Or strawberries? Do you like locally sourced strawberries?
Strawberries I have in abundance here, artichokes will not grow in a sub-tropical climate.
Really? Fuck I just prepped a garden bed and planted half a dozen I bought from bunnings on the wkend..fkn devo
CA strawberries suck..
its a fairly short drive to Salinas for the annual ‘choke fest
Castroville is super offended right now. How dare you?
yes forgot the casino option
Did you get your nightdress on Ezibuy?
I am plus-sized, so yes!
I surf with plenty of ripping accountants who could do this job remotely and come claim their wave a day for a long weekend at the end of every month. 30 waves in three days sounds just right. These guys talk about that pool all day. My friend has land he can donate on kauai, call him up slater, surf ranch number 2, free land.
They should hire a non surfer.
What, like a kinda tennis executive or something?
Maybe a dairy farmer that now works in HR? Also a female to keep the feminists happy?? I’ve got just the person https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Love Archer!
It sure would beat those bartending and “writing” gigs that you guys have been doing.
I beg to differ. This is my last writing project, a ghost-bio gig about a TV presenter, a wonderful inspirational man, currently in the fight of his life. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
whats the take home for gals with the big C?
Use multiple tampons and a pad, keglecise.
They both look so… healthy!
But which one? God please don’t let it be Miggy..Baz is pretty solid too but.