Just in: Twelve-Foot White Closes Main Break!

Margaret River overheats with shark fever!

If you live in Margaret River, you’ll know how good…how big… Saturday was. Ten-to-twelve feet in the morning with twenty-footers hammering reefs by the afternoon.

The pro surfer turned real estate agent Mitch Thorson, ranked #16 in the mid-eighties and noted for his jams in big waves, had just cleared up an auction, grabbed his surfing equipment and had headed to Main Break, Margs, he says, “to sit on the shoulder and watch some big ones… it was genuine Hawaiian sorta shit. It was as close to as good and as big as it gets.”

But when Mitch, who is fifty three years old, arrived he was greeted by an empty lineup. A friend stuck his head in his window and told him a Great White “as wide as those Fiats yuppies drive” had swum through the lineup, mowing through salmon. Twice the White had been seen. The entire lineup paddled in.

The Western Australian salmon, of course, and as has been previously explained, gather around Cape Leeuwin and Busselton to “spawn when the eastward flowing Leeuwin Current is strongest, and eastward-directed winds are dominant, enabling transport of pelagic larvae to the south-east.”

Which normally isn’t enough to clear the water around these parts.

Mitch knew it was serious when one surfer, a South Australian transplant who’d stayed out when his pal Rob Bruce was bumped off his board by a Bronze Whaler last week, beached it.

“When I heard that, I knew it was for real,” says Mitch. “He’s never scared.”

Shortly after, an officer from the Department of Fisheries came up, wrote his message on the now ubiquitous shark sign (above) and advised surfers not to enter the water.

A marine biologist pal of Mitch’s describes the shark fever as being directly related to the hundreds of whales floating through lineups and washing onto beaches. “It’s like when you walk into a chook pen and you’re hanging out with the chooks, they’re chilling out and cruising around you, but when you throw pellets on the ground they go berserk. That’s what the shark behaviour is at the moment.”

On the day two surfers were attacked by sharks around Gracetown, a shark watch helicopter crew member says he saw fifteen large sharks between North Point and Kilcarnup.

Mitch did go surfing on Saturday, his ten-three turned into a longboard instead of an elephant chaser, sliding along waist-high reforms in front of the Gnarabup cafe with “women, children and guys with their girlfriends.”

“A one-foot little roller, riding these rolly polly little things that go for a hundred yards. But it was nice to go surfing. I haven’t been surfing much.”

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Weslley’s Secret Life - Wozzle
Weslley’s Secret Life - Wozzle
8 years ago

Gabriel Whingina’s next Ozzie leg going to see his boards on the locker room being sprinkled with the fragrance “Great White Romance”. Slogan: “Dare to nibble life”.

ricmatic
ricmatic
8 years ago

Douglas Adams cameo!

Tomas' silky smooth arms
Tomas' silky smooth arms
8 years ago

So Mitch did or did not get to jam one of the top?

frank
frank
8 years ago

I for one, want to see the video from the Gnarabup session!

turts
turts
8 years ago

I’ve gone and bought a skatey. If you need me I’ll be reading Thrasher.

Snowbored
Snowbored
8 years ago

Better call Croc Dundee!

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
8 years ago
Reply to  Snowbored

Too sad! His wife just eloped with Moroccan toy boy! https://www.newidea.com.au/…

nicky buttonshaw
nicky buttonshaw
8 years ago

She choose the tight balls over the saggy.
He did something similar 30yrs ago.

https://uploads.disquscdn.c…

Snowbored
Snowbored
8 years ago

Well, fuck……. now what?

Otto
Otto
8 years ago

That sign!?! Subtle hint that sharks are developing helicopter capabilities. Be wary.

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
8 years ago
Reply to  Otto

Or is it a slightly wrinkled halo?

Otto
Otto
8 years ago

A frightening thought.
Halo: Shark Attack
https://youtu.be/AEe2ukNOEvc

Lindalovelace
Lindalovelace
8 years ago

5 meter white cleared the lineup at the Box yesterday.

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
8 years ago
Reply to  Lindalovelace

So many tape measures in the lineup!

bitter guy
bitter guy
8 years ago

4 foot Hawaiian

longtom
longtom
8 years ago

the scary is that water shrinks! They are bigger than they appear just under.

Lindalovelace
Lindalovelace
8 years ago

Good point , word is it was fatter than Mitch (bitch foreskin) Thorsen , so that makes it a legit 5 meter jobby.

joeys nosegard
joeys nosegard
8 years ago
Reply to  Lindalovelace

and he would have chosen gnarra shorey anyway

Noa's last dart
Noa's last dart
8 years ago
Reply to  Lindalovelace

3 metre Bronzey might be more accurate?

longtom
longtom
8 years ago

Do yuppies drive fiats?

davidcarson
davidcarson
8 years ago
Reply to  longtom

no.

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
8 years ago
Reply to  longtom

I think, in the Margaret River region, where Nissan Patrols and Toyota Landcruisers run the show, yes.

longtom
longtom
8 years ago

I thought fiats went extinct.

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
8 years ago
Reply to  longtom

No, no, from 24,990 driveway for that odd little quasi four-wheel-drive…

longtom
longtom
8 years ago

That doesn’t sound like a yuppie mobile, maybe a first or second car for the recently employed young urban aspirational.

Eddie Haiku
Eddie Haiku
8 years ago

Fuck those whales! Turn them all into chook pellets so the chooks can go berserk and not the GWS. We don’t want any former pro surfers turned real estate agents berserkered!

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
8 years ago
Reply to  Eddie Haiku

Can you imagine being berserkered on? Why it just spins the head!

Eddie Haiku
Eddie Haiku
8 years ago

If the berserkering was to be inflicted upon you by the original Berserkers, your head would literally be spinning off your shoulders and into the icy waters of the North Sea. Those Vikings were tough fuckers but the Berserkers were next level!

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
8 years ago
Reply to  Eddie Haiku

The Zulus were very good in that sphere, too. I urge a reading of Shaka Zulu etc.

channelbottom
channelbottom
8 years ago
Reply to  Eddie Haiku

You ever seen an angry moke on amphetamines?

Eddie Haiku
Eddie Haiku
8 years ago
Reply to  channelbottom

Never had the pleasure, but a hairy gay biker once attempted to take me on a date against my will. I’d imagine the fear factor would be in a similar realm!

James B
James B
8 years ago

Medina and Italo were fucking right.
#outmainbreak
#inFernandoDeNoronha

Chris Binns
Chris Binns
8 years ago
Reply to  James B

Why not both? Please!


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