Buttdarters weep openly.
Cyclists all over the world were crying into their lattes this morning after receiving the bad news. For the past several years, cycling has claimed the coveted title of The New Golf. But now, the lycra-clad horde has been relegated by none other than surfing. If you imagine surfing as the purview of bohemians with beards, think again.
Surfing’s new status as the go-to pastime for rich men with too much time on their hands comes thanks to the efforts of eleven-time world champion Kelly Slater. It’s not surprising that Slater would chase the New Golf title for surfing, given his long-standing love for actual golf, the kind played on manicured lawns in scenic places. Chasing balls around the grass with a titanium stick has long been a favorite pastime of the world champion.
On Monday Slater cemented surfing’s status by inviting two professional golfers to play in his now-famous wave pool. According to the World Surf League, Rafael Cabrera-Bello and Adam Scott were the lucky golfers invited. They described the experience as “mind-blowing.” Golf, surfing, it’s all the same now.
Cycling lured the men who martini with promises of fitness and shiny carbon toys. You too can have sculpted, shaved quads, and wear tight, stretchy pants, cycling promised. You, well-off man with time and money to burn, can drop $20k on a shiny new carbon bicycle. You can even buy a better bicycle than your buddy and flaunt it on the next lunch ride. He’ll be so jealous.
But too bad you wasted all that money, because cycling is totally over. Now, it’s all about surfing. You’re going to have to trade your lycra for neoprene and your carbon composite bicycles for decidedly retro fiber glass surfboards. Don’t fret! You can still have carbon fins, so it’s not totally over for you. Instead of the joy of the open road, angry drivers, and winning the lunch ride, you’ll get to salt water up your nose and angry locals in your face.
If you really want to impress your rich bros, you can book a private session at Slater’s wave pool. Because he was so determined to transform surfing into the new golf, Slater built a wave pool. To be sure, Lemoore is considerably less exotic than cycling the Passo di Gavia or dropping a hole-in-one in Carmel. But really, anyone can do those things.
The wave pool is exclusive. And you, man with more money than sense, you love exclusive. You have no idea how to surf, but you didn’t know a derailleur from a doornail when you bought your first bike. Your bullet-proof confidence will serve you well in your fledgling pursuit of surfing stoke.
Even better you can quit shaving your legs, which your newly acquired trophy wife hates anyway. She also says she hates your spindly T-Rex arms, so you better start paddling as soon as possible. And you won’t make that annoying clicky-clacky sound when you visit your local coffee shop. You’ll be wearing flip flops and ordering a whole milk latte with extra chia seeds now.
Cyclists must now sadly accept that they’re no longer number one. Cycling, as past tense as Eisenhower. Surfing is the new golf — and if you don’t like it, blame Slater.
Hiring some strippers to serve beer at all the even holes makes it bearable
who at wsl approved, and put out , that foto? yikes.
#metoo
Golf is very good and fun.
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Brutal. That entire article was a High speed butt dart, shot right at the face.
😇😇
Well, it kinda makes sense, there are many ‘exclusive’ golf courses for “members” onl that don’t let the common guy in, keep them out, he couldn’t afford it anyway. Seems the surf ranch is headed the same way. Seems Slater might be out of touch with the average day to day surfer, who is the real soul of the tribe.
But don’t worry guys, we’ve still got the real thing.
What does it take to wake people up? Do you really think Slater and his partners the WSL, really give a crud about the average surfer? Seriously, wake up and smell the seaweed–your being ‘played’.
you’re preaching to the choir over here, bud. get over to the Inertia and drop some knowledge on those SciFi riding cunts.
Yup, you guys do seem to be enlightened and in tune with what’s really going on. How come you guys don’t ever drop some bombs (knowledge) on the Inertia? I’m sure the Inertia would be glad to ‘finally’ get some comments on their posts, since all their posts seem to be devoid of comments.
Hey bitter guy, I’m serious, curious, how come you cats at Beach Grit never drop any bombs (knowledge) on the Inertia. Are you afraid of Zac and the boys or what? Really man, I’d like to know.
yes, Zac is a terror, on a wrestling mat
Hey, really, no games, how come all you Beach Grit cats never comment on the Inertia, they seem to be the antithesis of Beach Grit shooting out their crummy propaganda. Why don’t you try and shake them up a little, if anyone deserves it, its probably them.
Hey bitter guy, its ok, I guess Zac and the Inertia dudes have you and the Beach Grit guys to psyched out to post over there.
who, Freerider? yeah, i’m just going to stay over here, thanks.
Free what? Just thought it would be nice for you to get off Beachgrit and see what the rest of the world looks like.
it looks like yoga and smells like Lululemon bike shorts over there. may as well post in Surfline fora. its fine if you think we’re over here smelling each other’s farts, they’re above average farts i reckon.
YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAW!!!
!!!
Always this vibe hangs out there being apologetic about riding bikes. Riding bikes is fucking awesome. Modern mountain bikes are incredible fun machines. Sitting on a commuter bike every day for an hour instead of in a car is life changing. Touring from village to brewery to village to winery to village to restaurant to village to hotel in name your favorite country in Europe is an unequivocal delight. I don’t ride road racing bikes proper, but every time I throw my leg over someone else’s I’m blown away by the miracle of a simple machine that can so efficiently transfer nothing but your piddling energy into that much speed.
You go outside, get some exercise, get some air. Spend some time away from life’s problems. A lot like surfing really
A lot like surfing, and absolutely amazing. Who goes on nice bike ride, and says “that sucked.” No one! Or only kooks!
The combustion engine really is a simple machine too, and not near as gay sounding as what you just said. Surfing is nothing like that, if so, you’re not doing it right.
i think i’d probably just skip to the beer? idk.
only darts has a more natural relationship with drinking, well, i’d be remiss to leave bowling out
Police break up riots across the nation
Surfers are vandalizing tennis courts and golf courses across the world, innundating national police for local principalities. It seems that bands of surfers from either faction, the Rackets and the Clubs, are arguing which surfers are the best and which ones are best representing the sport. Even the governing bodies of the sports and Olympic committee are divided along the lines. And now this tribal rivalry has spread to resorts system wide.
It has even spread to the Mars and Venus colonies. No word if this frenzy has reached to the Outer Colonies or the Belt Mining communities.
Surfing always had its rivalries but, today one threatens to further split the sport apart. After surviving several Olympic outings, it seems surfing is a sure fire stay at the games of games, here in 2032. But surfing was split between wave poolers and ocean goers back then. Then as the Olympic popularity, hit, the sport had a backlash of Olympians versus Funners. In surfing’s formative years, one would find a professional clashing with the local or amateur.
Now it is divided between Olympic Surfering factions of those that follow other sports, golf and tennis.
“Back in the 2020’s you had wave pool vs ocean surfers. Now it’s Tennisites and Golfites. Aka, the Clubs or the Raquets. Or in OZ slang, the Connies versus the Raquels. Remember when it just used to be tranny’s vs locals?” – Surfer in Wollongong .
“But most surfers don’t give a ****** explicitive. Just go ***** surf or skate! Don’t SUP, cuz that’s wack. ” Newport beach goer.
At first it might be just a question of asthetics, but then if one looks at the cost of entry and playing in the sport. An Olympic surfboard can run in the tens of thousands of credits, and most top athletes have close to a hundred of them. Though a good board can be found in the hundreds, the sellers of the lower cost equipment are vary particular of whom they will sell too.
And there are how surf contests and rules. Are the regulations drawn from a tennis perspective? Or from golf methodology? One governing body, the World Surf League, WSL, is firmly entrenched in the Tennis formats. “Tennis the the best. It has two players and ranking system that just plain works. It’s worked globally for decades.” This comes from the Commissioner of the WSL, Sammie Davenport-Goldschmidt . She says that, “Surfing’s always used the Tennis System.” Though research suggested the Tennis system was formulated early in the 2020’s, around the same time as the Golf system.
ISSA, International Space Surfing Association (formerly the ISA, International Surfing Association that got surfing recognized by the Olympics), Commissioner “Captain Kangaroo” Gabe Medina the 8th, and spokesperson Kallie Slater, yes, of the famous Slater surf heritage, has this to say: “Golfing is a time honored sport with a world wide following and rich heritage to draw from. Surfing should be proud of this influence.”
They say one must take precedence, but perhaps they should take a religious approach and have multiple tenants that hopefully get along with each other. But extremists always darkening the peace.
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You have the best work ethic here Dean.
first car in the parking lot in the morning, last one to leave
catches the least number of actual waves
ok amigo- you win. you’re hired!
Golf has the greatest euphemisms and is dear to my heart. Cycling is straight up fucken HIV positive and was barely even acceptable to the locals in post World War II China.
You’d love regular cycling Wiggs. You’d get some constant live targets for your ire. Probably not a week goes by that I’m not shouting abuse at bad drivers:
“Where’s yer indicator you fucking muppet!?! What am I, fucking psychic?!??” Etc.
Mucho catharsis.
Process of elimination – wiggs is not that guy riding his bike to the golf course.
Golf is so 1999. I want the world’s best bowlers at the Surf Ranch. I like that guys that says “SUCK IT” when he bowls a strike (Pete Weber I believe).
Bowling is an equal rights sport both sexes have balls, but the women’s will always be larger.
Why the fuck do we need acknowledgement from the world’s lamest sports?
We invented counter culture!
Shake my fucking head.
Bullseye Jen. Wait till Bobby M. hears about this. If we could not associate our beloved surfing with any more lame ass sports that would be nice.
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I wanna see these smarmy shits do ‘golf with a bowling ball challenge.’
Goddamn Kelly has the lamest friends.
Kelly is the lamest
This article fails because by your logic golf also became the new surfing simply by virtue of Kelly’s part time indulgence in the activity.
I did not realize logic was a requirement here at the ‘grit. I must reassess everything now. Everything!
jen, re-assessing is so 10 minutes ago. which is when you wrote that last comment…not sure where that leaves us? love you!
Mate stop creeping on the chicks. That’s my job.
ah hem…firstly cowboy, i meant the royal “us”. as in all ya’ll.
b. i’ve been purvin on the chicks since you had spots. ask jen- she knows.
3. there’s a new sheriff in town…and his name is reggie hammond
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How do I hit them with a car door tho?
So Jen:
Is there a BG equivalent for cycling?
Do we need a new set of rules for surfing like the Velominati?
When can we see SUP golf courses: teeing off from one board, into a hole in another board, all covered in artificial turf. (Remember you read it here first ) ?
Should all anti-cyclist surfers be forced to cycle for a year to feel the pain / exaltation?
Does my shitty 15 YO $400 MTB commuter hybrid which has no carbon fiber even mean I’m a cyclist?
Do I have more questions?
CB, I think the BG equivalent of cycling is motorized beer cooler races…. No?
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Ha ha, oh man. Honestly, my favorite bike is an old Schwinn, so really, ride whatever. It’s all good by me. Shitty is totally fine if it gets you where you want to go.
In my experience, surfers are bad at rules, so this project may be doomed from the start.
SUP golf should be a thing in the world, someone please make this happen.
I don’t think there could ever be an equivalent to the ‘grit.