Kelly Slater takes you in the barrel!
Kelly Slater’s delightful girlfriend Kalani Miller posted a video on Instagram a few hours ago that, I believe, reveals the uppermost echelon on Surf Ranch experiences. In it, she can be seen crouched on the middle/front of a longer, wider board. Kelly Slater stands behind her and deftly steers the thing into and out of a small but seemingly very satisfying barrel.
And there we have it. The very exclusive ceiling.
Now, as the World Surf League has brought Surf Ranch online we’ve seen a few different pricing options. We’ve seen $115,000.00 for a two-day getaway. We’ve seen $9788.00 for a one-hour session. What then can we guess the tandem barrel with Kelly Slater will cost? Kelly’s steady hand on your shoulder. His calm voice in your ear saying, “Crouch down. Feel the rhythm of my nature.”
How much?
I would imagine, with the precedent that has been set, this experience could top $500,000.00. Of course it would include lunch and transportation too and from Surf Ranch from the Tachi Palace Casino and Hotel. I would imagine there would be many takers in Silicon Valley. Dot com folk trying to one-up the experiences of their peers. Also, I think for $250,000.00 Surf Ranch could provide other notable surf celebrities like Kalani Robb as barrel guides.
The future is bright.
Hey Chas, can we start some pools on the Oregon coast? I say Kickstarter the first one in Reedsport next to the skatepark, then one more per year up and down the coast. Then the slogan can be,”Oregon coast, come for the fat white girls and cheap Mexican supermeth, Stay for the wavepools!!”
Barrel Guide.
THESE 30 CAT FACTS WILL BLOW EVERYONE’S MINDS
What about something for us normal sized folks? Kelly’s gf must be all of 4″8′ and 90lbs. Steph Gilmore cuddling my head in her lap while I recline, feet forward, in the barrel seems the only feasible option. Plus maybe actually worth the cost…
I’d rather sky dive with a dwarf.
With penetration of course.
If they find God in the barrel, is this surfing’s version of a Wonka Golden ticket?
And I thought leading the opposite sex up a crag to summit for the first time was the ultimate panty dropper. That was the coolest thing I’ve seen so far re: the whole ranch experience. Always difficult to get a non surfer/spouse to understand how a long barrel can slow life down let alone the pure joy. Well maybe Kelly’s deal is good after all.
If any “surfer” is positive about the future of surfing and was amped on the kookpond event, I think it’s safe to write them off as delusional happy clappers.
Picture this… Gabby, JJF, Jordy, or any of the other blue-chip surfers video clip coming soon from the BSR wave in Waco, TX. Think about how the world will compare those performances against that from the Founders Cup of the same. Hole-E-Shet. The internet will break the minute people see the performance level of those guys ripping 10-times harder in Waco than in Lemoore. No contest, BSR wins.
Do you think they’ll be allowed to surf it, publicly?
I heard Kelly was marching over there right now with a rusty crowbar clenched stiffly in one hand, and a scowling determined look on his visage.
Well, WSL wouldn’t let JJ and Kelly surf da Shootout, so no.
And Kelly’s snaky bitch about JOB humping a turtle would seem to confirm that.
Thou shalt support us and no other false god.
Ts’afukinjoke. Eh?
Let the sponnos surf where they want but, you know… if they ain’t got the right points then I guess, no cigar for being Le Champignon Du Monde. Wassaproblem? Good will all round etc.
I’m not sure you’ll want to watch it when you hear the amphetamine squeaking of Chris Cote, whom the WSL have inexplicably taken with them. I have no clue why the actual fuck you would take Cote to Brazil. Unless you’re hoping he gets kidnapped.
Unless you’re planning to have him kidnapped.
Brazilians only kidnap you if you are worth something , that’s why they wouldn’t let JT go and gladly sacrificed Cote…
#heynegsmauriceneedsaratabracelet
conspiracy theory , WSL were trying to make Brazil look and sound shitty , so they took Joe out , put in CC’s blathering….but the surfing yesterday was great , better waves than the Tub, way more exciting as its bigger stand up barrels , and back to man turns, big airs , ahhhhh surfing is back.
and yes CC seems a little amped up , but that could be because he’s replaced Joe!
Go to the WSL website & see whose doing a Rio rundown – I don’t know where to start!
oh man, you are missing out. be sure to check out Asing v bourez on the heat analyser. pretty sure Kelly has them on the books to promote the “kookpound”
Upvote for Kookpound.
It’s all fun and games till you end up in the ER trying to explain to the doctor how you accidentally slipped in the barrel and Kelly’s OuterKnown ended up in your InnerUnknown.
You go to the ER after being penetrated?
Lemoore, California — What began as a joke became a once in a lifetime experience for a Cardiff man who decided to take a chance on one very dumb idea.
Chas Smith, early 40s, was driving on State Route 99 through California’s Central Valley when he saw a billboard on the side of the road advertising a chance to surf with former three-time World Champion, Mick Fanning, at the Kelly Slater Wave Ranch.
“The whole idea sounded so ridiculous to me. Like who would pay money for that? I can’t believe Mick would even sign up for that. He must be broke.” said Smith, describing his thoughts upon seeing the sign.
A noted surf scribe by trade, Smith had previously written some things about Mr. Fanning, one of the biggest names in the action sports industry, that many surf fans thought inflammatory in nature, and some, including Fanning’s former handlers/cronies, have claimed to be libelous. Despite any residual animosity that might have still existed between the two (“none on his part,” claims Smith), he decided that he needed to see what the experience was all about and see it through.
“It was gonna be the best joke ever.”
When he finally met Mr. Fanning, whose official title is “Senior Cowboy Barrel Guide,” on a cool Wednesday morning, not even the heavy fog and smell of cow manure that surround the Ranch could detract from his excitement.
“If nothing else, I’ll have a story for my website that makes a mockery of everything,” relayed Smith, gleefully.
A little after 8:00, Smith finally would get his chance to find out about the sham. He takes off on his first wave, Fanning riding behind him. Placing his left hand on Smith’s left hip and right hand on his right shoulder, Fanning is able to direct Smith successfully through the cavernous barrel.
Only the third barrel he has ever come out of, the previous two occurring nearly two decades ago, Smith’s ideas about the experience transformed, gone was his skepticism, which was replaced by sheer awe. This was the most amazing experience of his life.
“It was epic! I feel like my life has forever changed. I now know what a barrel feels like. And Gas Chambers was amazing, how he directed and coached me through it was phenomenal! He is my new favorite surfer!” said Smith in his summation of the event.
“The best $350,000 I ever spent!”
THIS IS ART, KARL. ART!
yes but was his wife happy when she got the invoice?
Fucking brutal, yet brilliantly beautiful!
Wait a minute, have we just witnessed the conception of the WSL’s 2037 world champion?!
“This once great individualistic sport is being turned into a big soggy cartoon”. Miki Dora