The gravy train has derailed!
It is day five of the Oi Rio Pro or at least I think it is. Much like Kelly Slater our coverage of the event has gone missing. It would be impossibly rude to make Longtom wake up in the middle of a Byron night to watch the world’s better surfers dance in Brazil and so this morning, after receiving a text from Nobel Prize winner Jamie Tworkowski* that Gerry Lopez was on the mic and performing admirably, I decided to take the contest duties upon myself.
I sat down on a corinthian leather stool, breathed deeply through my nose and pressed www.worldsurfleague.com into the browser and there I was, or almost because then I had to press the “watch” button. I thought, after pressing, that Adriano de Souza’s face would pop onto my screen but instead the above window and the words, “Just sign up to watch live. It’s free.” followed by the standard “Continue with Facebook” “Continue with Google” and then, inexplicably, “we won’t post anything without asking.”
Post what without asking? My mind whirled into Cambridge Analytica territory. What on earth does the WSL want to post? Personality quizzes for my friends? Pleas for help? No, it was already too stressful so I pressed the “Not Now” option nestled into the left corner.
This took me back to the beginning and I pressed watch and was again taken to the “Continue with Facebook” “Continue with Google” “we won’t post anything without asking.”
Again and again and again. The same loop. There was no way out and I smashed “Not Now” more vigorously each and every time, sweat starting to bead on my forehead. I’ve downloaded your app, WSL. I’ve given you the better part of my youth but you want more. Always more. Why can’t you listen to my “Not Now”? Why can’t you respect my body and my choices? Why is “Not Now” not really an option?
I finally gave up, exhausted, without any professional surfing to soothe my soul.
So. Who is doing good? Is Gerry Lopez a sweet addition to the team? What about Chris Cote? Who did Chris replace anyhow? Is Julian Wilson still in the Jeep Leaderboard Yellow Jersey? More questions to come.
* I once had dinner with Emily Ratajkowski. She was a fine conversationalist and I thought her and Jamie Tworkowski would cut a striking figure and that they should get married and hyphenate Jamie and Emily Ratajkowski-Tworkowski. I was drinking Moscow Mules at that dinner out of a paper straw.
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Not like the WSL is going to post anything worse than half the shit you already do. Unless its about founders cup, medina or cancelling contests because the ocean is filled with sharks.
I always forget my disqus password
Thanks for clarifying!
Q.) Why wouldn’t the tampon speak to the sanitary pad?
A.) Because he was a stuck up cunt
New depths of humour being plumbed, only on BG.
It’s the most child friendly joke I know!
I did the same exact damn thing. Had a quick minute at work, thought I’d check in on my phone.
The higher ups at the WSL seem hell bent on making their shit more & more lame everyday. Total fn fools they are.
Where’s the relevancy of having a Saffa commentator, when 2.8% of the surfers on the male tour are Saffas (same number as a Japs c/- Igarashisan)? Naturally not advocating for a re-balancing in favour of a Brazillion Braza comentators, but what’s the rationale for the Safa?
Thomas Hermes has the craziest stance I’ve ever seen.
OK.
It’s ok chas I’ve got you
https://www.coastalwatch.co…
But I’m not getting up early again. and I didn’t write that headline, so leave me alone.
So it wasn’t just me! I thought because I’d trudged up and down the length of the goddamned pool in the heat for two days that I was willing to see anything in the ocean as awesome. But I totally enjoyed these heats. Totally.
It’s not just you Jen! The hills are alive with the sound of Rio.
Did you notice the “relaxation” of the judges scoring ?
Seems to be somewhere in the middle now between the early season severity and past Porta years.
Yeah I think the judges are also caught in the tension between Pool and Surf, like how could they not? They weren’t super sure how to deal with the Pool so they went from cruel to nice, I think knowing they were just practising really. Now they’re watching the surfers suddenly freed up and trying some big stuff, so they’re going a bit bigger too.
Nice piece on CW Nick.
How ironic that we fall back in love with the real deal in Rio of all places?
Rio is pumping and I’m loving the event so far. Please accept my apologies in advance for the unequivocal positivity.
(Dare I say it…I’m thrilled as hell to have pro surfing back on a work day!!!)
My app (yeah I know. I reloaded it. I’m a fucking hypocrite) still seems to work. I sure as shit ain’t a facebonk kinda guy so I definitely haven’t signed up to see those admittedly fun (a bit brown and icky though) looking waves.
If I were from the United States of America and had children I would name them Chuck and Destiny. If I happened to have another girl she’d be called Apple. They would be raised at Lenmore.
I had no idea Cote is pronounced Ko-Tay. He is so funny to watch. Like listening Woody Allen trying to explain why sexing your adopted daughter is a bright idea.
Nothing but respect for Mr. Lopez but I can’t for the life of me understand why he would first, even be in Brazil, and second, be announcing a WSL event. Pipe Masters, Tahiti, Fiji, OK, but a beach break close out? Doesn’t really seem like his area of expertise.
Man get with it Lopez , is as main stream as mainstream can be , patagonia is just an extension of the whole fake soul surfer advertising angle that was started with the Dora -Noll collaboration , followed as a model by Rip Curl – Lynch , Curren , Rasta now McTaggett and what was Billabong.
Patagonia will come onboard the WSL & Wave pool once they sort out a advertising angle.
I agree, but I don’t see “soul surfer” with Creed. Seems like a cool guy who has been nudged into accentuating his faux punk elements. Mason, on the other hand, is a real deal soul surfer! Like the, “fuck what people think, I’m doing my own thing!”. You actually experience the fun that he is having.
Wow you sound like a disgruntled employee , do you still have a job somewhere like maybe in a Gay BG bar?
Ha-ha , i recon after that comment id have all your money for sure.
Yup. Patagonia uses activism branding to get virtue signaling kooks to pay a premium for clothes they manufacture in the largest polluting country on the planet.
Free trip to Rio with the wife would be my guess.
He certainly sounds like a zaffa – anyone know ?
Zaffa, Christian, ex Vissla Aus partner. Nice guy
I only saw the tail end of women’s final this am.
He’s sounding better alongside Pete.
That first day tho, sketchy.
Still no coverage of Waco? Stab is killing you guys right now
Stab is stabbing themselves in the foot on this pursuit to be first. They dropped coin to fly out MC and Sam Moody to Waco. Granted they got gifted a sesh but Goggans has the blinders on with this ego faux flex. Then they pay MC to pen his article. Then they drop coin to fly out Crane, Layer and Mamiya and photog for an all-in move to prove their firstness. You think BSR gifted them a second session? Think again. Paid for that too. Then they pay MC AGAIN to write a redundant article. Hotel, etc. expenses on top of that. Sure, you say business expense write-off. I say red flag you gonna get audited because Stab is acting stupid-adjacent like a bunch of morons. That shit screams gaming the system. The best part about MC’s redundant article is how he marginalizes BSR’s core clientele by calling them a bunch of rednecks in a not so subtle demeaning way. Don’t expect an invite back anytime soon Stab, but thanks for the free publicity, sincerely BSR and Cheyne. So really, think about it, is Stab killing BG or killing themselves.
Stab wants clicks and people wanna see waco. Think u might be over thinking it
do they?
Good question. Guess if u could be bothered to find out. Go and see how many clicks are being received. My pov was just from a lot of my friends that have always frothed at the thought of having fun in a wave pool and keen to see footage of Waco
I feel like such a dirtbag for not covering, John is going to win because he got mad at Derek’s article.
He sure looked like he wants it in that last heat against Miguel !
I liked that air thing. The air thing was hella good.
Upvote for air thing !
LT is here for the details. My job is color 😉
Now THIS is a team I want on the webcast!
Oh ha ha, LT would probably start reading Nietzsche out loud and I’d tell you some random story about a guy I met in the parking lot and nobody would know what was going on. Idk if this would be good.
I see no negatives in any of that.
I watch live the first 6 heats, then record and fast forward and watch the heats and don’t have to listen to the commentary …….
The difference between Kelly’s Tub , and Brazil…….there is way more drama and entertainment than the tub , surfers are actually surfing at 100% , and not 70% , waves are much better , unless of course you like the predictable mediocrity of the Pool..
The WSL/Kelly will be shitting themselves that the Tub might ne a of a Lemonmore!
JJ is an artist, I have no faith in him being consistent. …the most brilliant surf artist ever
I think the big story here is Chris Cote being the exact opposite of Turp, matching up good with the 89 world champ, and surely making the most of his event wildcard. He might even qualify for next year with a big result here in Rio.
oh yeah, its great hearing them rattle on about “the bottom deck of the board”
ffs, its a surf board, not a multi level ferry.
“bottom deck” is right up there with “front hand” in terms of slappable offences.
The biggest risk anyone faces commentating alongside Cote is getting battered to death with his hand gestures as he wrings the flying adjectives out.
Dare I say, cote is better than joe. Benched again? Foiled as ‘rotation’..
How do you feel about the “bottom hand turn”? It’s up there with calling slack arse mates from the beach when it’s pumping in my book.
Nothing wrong with a bottom hand turn if the recipient is willing.
Pottz seems subdued
I was fearing this matchup to be an ugly affair as they both have an insane god given ability to scour the bottom depths of the commentary booth.
But no, they actually did ok alongside each other.
Pottz only resorted to a few humans and Cote only used a thousand adjectives.
Not terrible.
Little change up there after he went for the skateboarding comparison. Cote really mixing up his combos lately
He is the only guy on the team confident in naming air variations though right?
Got em on lock. Instant call – “540 with slob grab !”
I’m going with Jen’s “air thing”, elegant somehow.
hi i can help with this problem, though not all the other ones. a girl can only do so much. twitter.com/wsl click on the link to the contest. voilà pro surfing to sooth your battered soul.
all lower case. is that a thing now?
it is, if i’m too lazy to reach for the damn shift key, yes!
Shift key for the paid gigs
#metoo. I even went so far as to change the battery in my mouse thinking an Energizer would do the trick that Duracell was unwilling to power. Nope! Not now! Then I thought, well I best head over to Beach Grit cause for sure there will be light there to illuminate the darkness that has enveloped me. Nope! Not now. Just you Chas. Just you and your whistling nose breathing.
Don’t you find that hashtag beyond a little ironic? Considering most Americans vocalize the # as ‘pound’ – as in ‘pound me too’ – doesn’t really seem like the best anti-sexual harassment message to me?
Ha! Good point! Damn that’s funny!
“Haha good point” -Your conservative uncle who still listens to Rush Limbaugh
Theif!
There’s enough problems in the world already, Chuck, without these stupid misunderstandings.