Lemoore becomes cool overnight!
We have no secrets here between us. None at all. And you know that much of the reason I loathe Surf Ranch is because it is in Lemoore, California which is near Visalia, California which is from whence my ex-wife hails.
I hate Visalia.
I hate its inverted fog, its flat straightness, its damned old timey burger drive-in place, its everything. My heart would sink anytime I’d be forced to travel north and east. North and east in the same exact direction as Surf Ranch and the two, Visalia and Surf Ranch became conflated in my booze-soaked mind.
Or as I wrote in the prologue of the current #10 bestseller in Sports Health and Safety (buy here!)
It is cold outside, and gray. Heavy-sweater weather. Maybe even thin down-filled jacket paired with stocking cap weather and it smells like cow. Like manure, wet feed and sour milk which only makes sense since we are in Lemoore, California the official “Home of Cows, More Cows, and Chas Smith’s Damned Ex-Wife.”
Just kidding. My damned ex-wife is from neighboring Visalia, but all of inland central California is basically the same thing and a place I swore I’d never return. Then Kelly Slater went and created the perfect wave here.
Because not ten minutes ago, I discovered that Kurt Russell’s Jack Burton had his trucking company based in Visalia.
Do you not recall Big Trouble in Little China? It was one of the best movies of the 1980s, one of the very best, with Kurt Russell, as previously noted, Kim Cattrall and directed by John Carpenter.
I feel that 1980s Kurt Russell can rehabilitate anything at all and if you don’t believe me watch:
Escape from New York
The Mean Season
Tango & Cash
That is Kurt Russell’s resume from the 1980s alone and not even a complete list. He made New York, monsters, shipwrecks, Tequila Sunrise cocktails, Sly Stallone and fires all better.
Visalia too. And by extension Surf Ranch.
Kelly should give Kurt Russell a permanent golden ticket and locker that no one can use not even Mick Fanning.
He should be able surf any time he pleases.