Lemoore becomes cool overnight!
We have no secrets here between us. None at all. And you know that much of the reason I loathe Surf Ranch is because it is in Lemoore, California which is near Visalia, California which is from whence my ex-wife hails.
I hate Visalia.
I hate its inverted fog, its flat straightness, its damned old timey burger drive-in place, its everything. My heart would sink anytime I’d be forced to travel north and east. North and east in the same exact direction as Surf Ranch and the two, Visalia and Surf Ranch became conflated in my booze-soaked mind.
Or as I wrote in the prologue of the current #10 bestseller in Sports Health and Safety (buy here!)
It is cold outside, and gray. Heavy-sweater weather. Maybe even thin down-filled jacket paired with stocking cap weather and it smells like cow. Like manure, wet feed and sour milk which only makes sense since we are in Lemoore, California the official “Home of Cows, More Cows, and Chas Smith’s Damned Ex-Wife.”
Just kidding. My damned ex-wife is from neighboring Visalia, but all of inland central California is basically the same thing and a place I swore I’d never return. Then Kelly Slater went and created the perfect wave here.
Hate.
Or hated.
Because not ten minutes ago, I discovered that Kurt Russell’s Jack Burton had his trucking company based in Visalia.
Do you not recall Big Trouble in Little China? It was one of the best movies of the 1980s, one of the very best, with Kurt Russell, as previously noted, Kim Cattrall and directed by John Carpenter.
I feel that 1980s Kurt Russell can rehabilitate anything at all and if you don’t believe me watch:
Escape from New York
The Thing
Swing Shift
The Mean Season
Overboard
Tequila Sunrise
Tango & Cash
Backdraft
That is Kurt Russell’s resume from the 1980s alone and not even a complete list. He made New York, monsters, shipwrecks, Tequila Sunrise cocktails, Sly Stallone and fires all better.
Visalia too. And by extension Surf Ranch.
Kelly should give Kurt Russell a permanent golden ticket and locker that no one can use not even Mick Fanning.
He should be able surf any time he pleases.
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My old mate “ Lube “ turned up to every fancy dress party ( roughly every two weeks during the 80s ? ) for at least 5 years as Bob “ Snake “ Plisskin .
“Goldie” in her prime was that and some!!
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
An aboveground crap Swayze nonetheless
So, no BG bureau in Visalia any time soon?
i ate a good pizza in visalia but i really never want to think about that place again. maybe ever.
Don’t worry jen see, “the k pond is coming to a place near you”.
The Hollister boys won’t be standing for that. As far as Kelly’s pond don’t think Kurt interested, but Benji “I’m Bored” Marcus will take it…. just throw in some inflatable water animal toys for his boredom.
How the fuck did you forget Captain Ron?
1992! These are his 80s offerings and I only include Backdraft because it was filmed in 80s though released 91.
Yep, I was going to mention Tombstone but I think that was the 90s
I just can’t imagine discussing Kurt Russell at all without fondly speaking of Captain Ron, easily his finest work.
Surf Ranch should expand with an attached used car lot. Kelly is already selling used waves.
Used Cars (1980) Kurt Russell as Rudy Russo:
https://youtu.be/ZQiTRQTiMGY
Have we moved on from literary claims to filmography? I like this game.
You beat me to it, JHouse!
I quote that movie almost as often as I quote Fletch
That doesn’t surprise me one bit!
kurt was great in romancing the stone
That would be Micheal Douglas!
Hey guess what? My mom went to high school in Visalia with the one and only Kevin Costner. And in the excellent baseball movie Bull Durham, Costner’s character ends up managing the Visalia minor league baseball team.
I don’t know, seemed worth mentioning here.
Oh yeah I recall that!
When I was in college, a friend of my girlfriend at the time was Costner’s babysitter in Carpenteria. We went to his house one weekend while he was away. He knew we were there. I took his longboard out for a surf, and before leaving, lifted a whole gold-foiled honey baked ham from his fridge, and for the next week ate sandwiches like a hollywood star. It was the best damn honey baked ham I’ve ever had. It was a rich experience.
I don’t know, seemed worth mentioning here.
Hey Costner been looking for that ham I hear! He called the pigs but they thought it was a shank, I mean prank.
I told them I ate the evidence. They said I was full of shit. I replied “evidently”.
And his revenge was making “ Waterworld “ ? Hope you made a pig of yourself because you have a lot to answer for. Ha ha just hamming it up .
He hasn’t stopped this revenging either. I wouldn’t be surprised to win the Laird/Gabby Reese play date. Once there, the trap would be sprung. Why do I have this fear? Guess who did Costner’s stunts in “Waterworld”?
Laird ( Ham ) ilton . The slim pig with a rig ?
Yep.
If you build it, WSL will come