Come take a peek from the other side of the veil!
I Googled myself for the first time in many years this morning (in order to find this story) and learned that I am dead. Long dead, in fact. In the ground since 2007. Or maybe not in the ground. Maybe I was cremated. Apparently I didn’t attend the funeral because I have no memory of it. Of whether there was a coffin and my friends and family were clustered graveside or whether there was an intimate gathering on some cliffside where my ashes were released into the sky, doing their small part in warming the globe just a little more.
Then again, I have no real memory of anything at all so it makes sense that I am dead. It answers a lot of questions about my memory.
Apparently I died from pneumonia which seems literary. Not quite tuberculosis like my heroes (Camus, Kafka) but close enough. A disease of the lungs.
I should probably be enjoying my death more but feel a responsibility to give you a peek from the other side of the veil.
Here is what’s going on.
I don’t know if I’ve landed in heaven or hell or quite possibly purgatory. There are wave machines here for surfing but they cost a lot of money to try or at least Kelly Slater’s does. He’s here too, building wave machines, looking the same as he has forever. The Association of Professional Surfers has been transformed into a thing called the World Surf League and is owned by the son of a publishing magnate and run by an ex-tennis executive.
Isn’t that funny? Publishing and tennis? Either God or Satan has a rich sense of humor.
What else. Ummmmm. Brazilians win everything and are the only surfers that really matter. John John stopped by for a while a few years ago but has left which makes me think this is purgatory and John John went on to heaven. The other wave machine is in Waco, right next to where David Koresh got burned to a crisp. I haven’t seen him roaming around yet.
Some surfers ride these things called “foils” that have giant metal guillotines affixed to their bottoms. I don’t really understand the purpose or point but people seem excited about them in general. The biggest surf brand in the world is named Salty Crew and is for fishermen too. Quiksilver and Billabong are the same company here. I don’t think Rip Curl exists because I never see it.
Sharks eat people but nobody really cares because they are like gods. Totally protected and impossible to do anything about.
Air shows are big and trending which is bizarre.
Very bizarre.
Or I suppose just like things were in 2007 when I died.
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When’s the Paddle Out at Waco’s Wave Pool
Um, remember when I pointed this out to you a few months ago? I put a photo of it here in the comments and you responded. Funny, that.
Dude you died from AIDS..sorry to tell you.
“Smith died on October 16, 2007, after suffering a stroke complicated with pneumonia, and fighting a recurrent battle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma due to complications from the HIV virus, eventually leading to auto immune deficiency syndrome.[1”
wikipedia
“The pneumonia started in his cold heart, which was a direct result of being associated with his ex wife.”
A world where a journalist needs to google his name to find a story seems indeed like hell or purgatory…
For the record, Cleveland does get surf from time to time, and it can even be fun. Plus many delis have excellent chicken paprikash, which was Chas’s favorite I hear. Poor bloke.
wait. does this mean i’m dead too since we’re supposed to be the same person and stuff? this is suddenly very confusing.
Jen See dead people.
I’ve had that suspicion before honest.
Oh you and like all of the surf industry, it seems! It’s fine. It’s totally fine. Especially because it makes Chas giggle maniacally.
Wait. Is Chas impersonating a dead person, or a woman?
A man.
Who knows really!
Hey, you’ve met him in real life/time. I still have doubts about his existence at all.
RIP Jazz…
My first suspicion… BWFB
My second suspicion… DZ
My third suspicion… SG
My fourth suspicion… RKSWCLSRTSG
Many people will pay fot the death of this poor man.
Imagine the range of emotions running through Dirk from start to finish reading all this…
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
I now am from the future? The paradox is imploding the multiverse tell my cis gendered wife I love her and not to be so micro aggressive…..mimzy!
This is fucking with my head.
I don’t l know where I am, but that guy from the apprentice is about to go to prison and everything is written in cerilic?
Piers Morgan?
I’m gonna guess your x wife got drunk and wrote that.
Keep sucking down the lung lollies and you can upgrade from pneumonia to lung cancer soon enough.
Sports sticks
Bravo!
i’m weirdly superstitious about this kind of thing but i laughed anyway. i’m not sure what that says about me. i’m losing it maybe.
Wait, you are using the present tense of the word “losing”. You proved you have already lost it when you went to the Surf Ranch Pro and spent those days in the hot, hot sun rather than in the VIP tent.
But your writing was the best.
Ha ha, oh god, please let us never speak of Lemoore again. Holy shit. I did lose it somewhere out there, maybe on the long straight weird roads or maybe in the sun or Idk. But it’s long lost, that’s for sure.
Thank you kindly — it was worth it, maybe.
Yeah Jen how about a 2 Weeks After follow up?
Do you have some kind of PTSD from Lemoore? Miss it? Regret going?
Oh I miss it not at all!!! Oh man, that place! Why did we even go there?
I figured The People were probably done reading about the, er, Basin. So I’ve been lookin’ around for something else to share with the class this week. Hmm, so far, it’s not promising, but I remain optimistic! Something interesting will appear! I can feel it.
There’s a drag racing 1/4 mile a couple hours inland from where we live. My dad took us as kids to see the Top Fuel dragsters. We were so excited, it was really hot, we camped in the car overnight, the atmosphere was exciting, the cars a burst of flame and heat and sound as they flew past down the run. It was about 5+ minutes between each run/race. You get the similarity.
After the night in the car, the ringing ears and sunburn and 4 hour drive home we never wanted to go back we’d seen it once already
Do the research “CHAS SMITH” if this is your name given at birth…..Is a “Dead Man”, it’s Dog Latian all capital it is the language of the cemetery! That’s right you are dead. Many understand that too ” loose the name you win the game”. Just saying! Your name is the control vehicle of society!
Was that the year Mick called you a “Fucking Jew”?
My condolences for having to die in Cleveland.
Just like Rock N’ Roll
So the report of your death was an exxageration?
You look young for your age (61), maybe Vampire?
This may explain why he called his band the Pagans and not the Christians ?
But calling his band the Pagans sort of muddies the waters here. Dead Chas can’t figure out if he’s in heaven, hell or purgatory. He might have just named his band that to sound cool. Pagans don’t believe in such “places”.
BTW, welcome back JB!
After traveling frequently with 2 kids , under the age of 5 ,I strongly believe that Purgatory has been replaced by the post 9/11 international airport ?
Yes. When we were travellers, my wife asked my eldest, (4yrs old at the time);
“Where are we from?”
Kid: “Ostrailya”.
Wife: “And where do we live?”
Kid: “The airport…”
Not flying waiting ? Or was it Not drowning waving ?
Spend half my life in airports, doing crosswords or attempting to sleep…
Well, it wasn’t like we were travelling all the time, but we had just stayed in an airport hotel in KL on a 12hr stopover*. So kind of understandable.
*When we opened up the curtain after a 6hr sleep, there was a 747 jet nose not 20′ away from us. Didn’t wake us up or nothing.
The Dennis Pagans and the Paddock. (Convoluted tribute band name for 90s VFL fans. You’re welcome).
Chas , you are having a Harry Joy moment. A character from Peter Carey’s novel Bliss who believes he has landed in Hell (his own suburban Brisbane ) after coming back to life from a heart attack .
Speaking of Dead! Bickos back!
Thanks Ric. 16 days 15 surfs . Back ! (and knee ) sore . Battery recharged and happy .
Atta boy!
Salut James, good to see you back! Medoc?
Merci Walter . Oui j’y étais. Un banc de sable qui marchait à mi-marée m’a donner beaucoup de joie. ( mais l’eau était glacial pour Septembre ) .
Aha, content pour toi! On a eu du swell, cette année, c’était pas mal. Et ca continue, le week end dernier était pas mal non plus! Pourvu que ca tienne jusqu’au CT!
Tu es enquile!
Welcome back Bicko!
Living in Brisbane would be so shit
After a three day bender starting with with the flight up there I had to play the third and final gig on a Sunday with alcohol poisoning, Brisbane is indeed shit.
I’m thinking a little more Bill Murray in Scrooged