Hot or Not: Who are the most attractive men
in current-ish professional surfing?
By Eleanor Sheehan
A great question.
Generally, this is how I would describe professional
world tour surfers (and professional “free surfers” as I
understand they’re called).
Generally, too, I would be lying if I said that the only reason
I don’t look away when my boyfriend forces me to watch “surf
contests” on his iPad while we are cooking a nice, elegant meal is
because there are (allegedly) hot babes on the tour.
I say allegedly because I’m still looking for them.
According to “Mimi” at a “magazine” with an exceedingly violent
name, there are at least 10 hot surfers.
Hmmmmmm, wrong!
Sure, “Mimi’s” scoop of the century was published eight years
ago and those guys are long gone, but the way I see it, there are
only five hot professional surfers:
1. Christian Fletcher
This guy is basically Bodhi. He speaks in Radical Zen Koans and
drives motorcycles with a death wish. He’s fast. His motorcycle
even has a sticker that says “Live Fast, Die Last.” He invented
“aerials.” He has a surprisingly-not-terrifying skull tattoo.
10/10.
2. Michael February
I saw one picture of this guy in GQ (congrats, Michael!) and I
was sold. He looks both tall and whimsical, which I like. He also
has the smile of a beauty pageant contestant, but I’m told he’s no
longer on the tour anymore, why WSL? Why?
3. Chippa Wilson
I swear I don’t have a tattoo fetish, but this guy is smoking!
He makes wetsuits look sexy and not like some amoebic neoprene tube
sock. He also has a cool name and does sick “airs.” Hot.
4. Jack Freestone
Honorable Wonder Bread mention. Hot Dad entry. Athletic.
Currently not blonde. By the way, what are you feeding your
ginormous baby? He is very cute but I’m concerned he might smother
you or your very hot wife in a few years.
Why Your Favorite Hot Surfer Didn’t Get Mentioned?
Julian Wilson — too predictable, too boring,
too much of a bratty baby? Danny Fuller — lost his spot to Jack (there can
only be one Hot Surf Dad) Craig Anderson — very beautiful woman (which is
cool, if that’s what you’re into) Luke Davis — spends too much time perfecting his
look for Instagram The Brazilians — too good at surfing to also be
called hot
As I compiled this list, I recalled several of my boyfriend’s
agitated conversations with fellow “surfers” about an “industry
crisis.”
Might I propose a cause and a solution. There is an overwhelming
drought of hot surfer dudes (isn’t this what riding waves is all
about, being hot and picking up chicks?), so the WSL must recruit
more, and then start making them eat whatever Jack Freestone is
feeding his child.
Problem solved.
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Watch: A fabulous vision of surfing as
imagined by Gucci!
By Chas Smith
It's a white rabbit!
Surf journalism is hard work. I woke up this
morning ready to greet the day and smash out some important, lively
yet restrained words. Taking my customary place in front of my
alcohol-soaked computer and its wireless keyboard (a necessary
purchase allowing me to type), I began searching for
inspiration.
The hours passed and… nothing.
Kelly Slater did nothing noteworthy.
Laird Hamilton did not release any innovation.
The World Surf League is on hiatus for six more days and
Mavericks is still cancelled.
Then I was forwarded this video announcing Gucci’s pre-fall 2019
line. I had, in fact, been forwarded it many times though hadn’t
watched it. Desperation forced me to push play and I was swept into
a glorious world where surfers and muscle people, punks and
basketballers, tightrope walkers and artists live peaceful lives
together in the acropolis.
I’m supposed to hate it, the coopting, cultural appropriation,
the Jesus Christ Superstar vibe but…. I can’t help myself.
What’s wrong with me for loving this so much?
Is it because my mother forced me to watch Jesus Christ
Superstar when I was a young boy?
Speaking of, what is the worst movie your parents forced on you
as a child?
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Question: What can we “weaponize” in
surfing?
By Chas Smith
Besides bad attitudes, etc.
I was very disheartened today when I learned
that the Middle Ages have been weaponized. There I was, minding my
own business when a failing New York Times alert popped up on my
phone, reading, “Far-right extremists have weaponized the Middle
Ages. Medieval scholars fighting back.”
Each May, some 3,000 people descend on Kalamazoo, Mich., for
the International Congress on Medieval Studies, which brings
together academics and enthusiasts for four days of scholarly
panels, performances and after-hours mead drinking.
But in recent years, the gathering affectionately known as
“K’zoo” — and the field of medieval studies itself — has been
shadowed by conflicts right out of the 21st century.
Since the 2016 presidential election, scholars have hotly
debated the best way to counter the “weaponization” of the Middle
Ages by a rising tide of far-right extremists.
Etc.
The Middle Ages (roughly 5th to 15th centuries) certainly seemed
like a violent time with plagues, the Crusades, etc. but I thought
the study of the period was marked, in large part, by cavernous
libraries and chubby, pale men with rheumy eyes.
I was not ready, nor was I even expecting, their
weaponization.
And to know that they have been weaponized before surfing hurts.
It stings. So let’s hurry and weaponize surfing.
But what can we weaponize?
Which part?
All of it?
Help!
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Breaking: “Secret project in the works.
Highly cinematic, involves the ocean and #1 female surfer in the
world!”
By Chas Smith
Can you guess?
Yesterday the great Hollywood film producer
Brian Grazer (Parenthood, Backdraft, 8 Mile etc.) posted a very
cryptic message on Instagram. “Secret project in the works… it’s
highly cinematic and involves the ocean and the #1 female surfer in
the world!” Sitting on Mr. Grazer’s right was the statuesque Keala
Kennelly and what do you think this secret project could be? What
are your best guesses?
I had lunch with Brian Grazer once. He is a voracious collector
of stories, tales, anecdotes. Inquisitive would be the best way to
describe, I think. Curious. He had, anyhow, read about my best
friend and my Middle Eastern adventures. We met in his office. He
was kind. We ate something forgettable and he peppered us with
questions. At the end, he walked us out and we said goodbye. Before
reaching the door, though, we heard our names shouted. We turned
around and there was Brian holding a very rococo pair of G-Unit
jeans.
“Are these cool?” He asked.
“No.” We answered in unison.
I am excited for whatever he is working on with Ms Kennelly and
wish them nothing but the best. I very much enjoy pop culture’s
dance with surfing and wrote about it in the eponymous Cocaine +
Surfing (buy
here). Would you like to read?
Pop culture’s dance with surfing is always a funny thing. I
suppose if surfers had any sort of understandable depth, or any
depth full stop, then Hollywood would have pounced on them as
archetypes and figured out long ago how to capture the specifics
enough to make a surf blockbuster, but have you seen Hollywood’s
surf films? Have you seen Chasing Mavericks or Blue Crush or Point
Break (either of them) or North Shore or Big Wednesday or The
Perfect Wave or Soul Surfer or In God’s Hands?
The best of them are laughably bad. The worst are a
forgettable cringe.
Hollywood can’t get the surfer even halfway right and I
think it’s a proximity issue. Many in Hollywood, many directors and
producers and actors, think they surf. Their glittering town
perched on the Pacific causes them to believe they know what it all
means because they walk out of Malibu homes, grab a goofy yellowed
seven-foot pintail and go sit in the puddle out front.
But surfing and belonging to surf are two entirely separate
things. Belonging to surf, in my definition, is to be part of the
surf industrial-complex. Those who either work for a surf brand in
some capacity as a photographer, writer, shaper, or who have at
some point in their lives. Those who have so oriented their lives
around surf that they watch World Surf League events while chatting
about professional surfer form on message boards. Those whose
productivity slowly drains away because they surf instead of
working.
Those who have pterygiums.
And that is exactly what Hollywood is missing as it relates
to the surfer. Pterygiums, also called “surfer’s eye.” What WebMD
describes as “a growth of pink, fleshy tissue on the conjunctiva,
the clear tissue that lines your eyelids and covers your eyeball.
It usually forms on the side closest to your nose and grows toward
the pupil area.”
Quite basically, pterygiums are scales. Scales that begin
growing over the eye because surfers sit out in the water long
enough thinking about where to put their hands and so God, in his
transcendence, knows that they will go blind and puts scales over
their eyes to protect them from the sun’s fiery wrath as it bounces
off the water. They don’t generally cause blindness, but they cause
blurriness of vision.
Surfers have scales covering their eyes. I have never met a
director or producer with scales covering his and I have only met
one actor who might be close to having them—Jimmy Caan’s boy,
Scott. But almost every real surfer, every professional surfer or
surf brand manager or executive vice-president to the bros has
either full-blown pterygium or the beginnings of pterygium, or
bones covering the inside of his ears, also known as “surfer’s
ear.” He has chosen surfing over clear eyesight or over hearing.
Sometimes over both. Scott Caan went one better, too. He chose to
star in the remake of Hawaii Five-0, just so he could
surf.
Can you imagine starring in the remake of Hawaii Five-0? For
seven seasons?
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The most poignant revelation in Momentum
Generation, or maybe Kelly revealed it in the Q and A was the fact
that his Dad never showed up to watch a single CT contest he was
in. Can you imagine what a kick in the guts that would be? Dad
never showed up to witness who he was, his greatness, his whole
being.
Momentum Generation review: “Softens
criticism that Kelly Slater is a narcissist who can’t let go of the
spotlight!”
By Longtom
Our reviewer approaches HBO surf documentary with
trepidation. Expects schmaltz on epic scale.
Everyone thought he would go on forever. And
even now, with the retirement called and “one last lap” started
(disastrously) we still can’t quite accept Kelly Slater might one
day be gone.
Momentum Generation, a movie-length documentary, as you
probably know, takes a retrospective look at the First Act of
Kelly’s career, and puts the supporting cast of New Schoolers into
context with him during that phase.
It’s a story of friendship and death. It does illuminate the
last lap, softens judgement by critics who see the current Legacy
phase of Kelly’s career as a textbook case of a narcissist who
can’t let go of the spotlight.
I approached it with some trepidation. Expecting cheese and
schmaltz on an epic scale.
The film was being played at the Byron Community centre and the
organiser had asked me to attend; he wanted me to prepare some
questions for a post-film Q and A.
But, what if it was epically lame and all I could offer up were
platitudes or the kind of questions I’d love to ask him man on man
but that would turn off a loved up audience here to pay homage to
the GOAT?
That dilemma about how to review continues, sharpened in the
context of current events like the suicide attempt of Sunny Garcia.
Presenting a truthful account versus the potential hurt caused by
unkind and insensitive comments.
Kelly’s got a lot, far more than I’ll ever have: world titles,
loot, fame, celebrity etc. But I’ve got what he hasn’t and may
never have. Kids who know that Dad, even if the Point is pumping,
will show up to the cross-country race. A dad who might need a
couple of brown sangas to get through the school play but he’ll be
there.
Every time.
They know I’ll back them up, even if, especially if, they are in
the wrong.
The most poignant revelation in Momentum Generation, or
maybe Kelly revealed it in the Q and A was the fact that his Dad
never showed up to watch a single CT contest he was in.
Can you imagine what a kick in the guts that would be?
Dad never showed up to witness who he was, his greatness, his
whole being.
That theme runs strong through the opening scenes of
Momentum Generation. Absent Dads, overbearing, aggressive,
asshole Dads.
“They’ll fuck you up – your Mum and Dad,” claimed English poet
Phil Larkin. It describes the damaged Lost Boys who coalesced
around the genius of Slater perfectly.
There are some jarring notes in the opening scenes.
The film makes a major point about surfing still being a
renegade, anti-social activity. Kelly claims he didn’t even know
pro surfing was a thing.
The Momentum Generation inherited all the benefits of a
fully developed surf-industrial complex built by an earlier
generation. A major premise of the film, that the Momentum
Generation brought surf into the mainstream, is built on a
very shaky foundation.
While the non-surfing world still swallows the myth of surfing
being a radical activity outside the bounds of normal society, even
today, it’s a trope worth selling, the truth is far more
prosaic.
Tom Carroll had already signed a million-dollar contract with
Quiksilver in 1988, while the Momentum crew were tweens.
Kelly was groomed and courted by big money before his teenage
years. He was carefully cultivated as “the one”, an updated and
improved Tom Curren that could be sold to Middle America.
The Momentum Generation inherited all the benefits of a
fully developed surf-industrial complex built by an earlier
generation. A major premise of the film, that the Momentum
Generation brought surf into the mainstream, is built on a
very shaky foundation.
The film is on much firmer footing when it explores its other
main themes: friendship, vulnerability and the pressures that
competition puts on people in close contact.
Leaving out an earlier incarnation of communal living where the
Momentum crew had gathered at the Hill House behind
Laniakea under the tutelage of Brock Little and Todd Chesser the
film spends much of its narrative capital exploring the
relationships that developed at Benji Weatherly’s Pipeline
crib.
Todd Chesser,
Cheese, remains the alpha male and spiritual leader of
the group. A Dionysian father figure with a mad passion for big
waves.
Cheese takes the flawed, molten characters of Slater, Dorian,
Benji, Kalani Robb, Ross Williams, Machado et al and steels them in
the furnace of the North Shore into a force that took over the
world.
World titles follow, the world is dominated etc. You know the
story.
Chesser was a pivotal figure not just for surf stars. He called
me into the biggest wave of my life, at Haleiwa. I’d slept on the
beach, in a cheap suit, after a party and woke up in a sleeping bag
underwater getting rolled down the beach into the shorebreak.
Then Todd Chesser goes and dies. Drowned on a massive day at
Outside Alligators. And the close knit world of the Momentum
Generation falls apart.
The emotional impact of Chesser’s death still reverberates
today. Kelly took the stage for the Q and A in an Oatmeal-Heather Odyssey
Reversible Crew ($US68) in tears. Through sobs, he
recounted how hard it still was for him to watch the film and
reflect on the passing of Chesser.
Chesser was a pivotal figure not just for surf stars.
He called me into the biggest wave of my life, at Haleiwa. I’d
slept on the beach, in a cheap suit, after a party and woke up in a
sleeping bag underwater getting rolled down the beach into the
shorebreak. A massive swell had hit in the night.
I paddled out sometime mid-morning, in a state of high anxiety,
on an 8’2” Rawson. The Toilet bowl was like a scene from a Poe
short story. Gothic apocalypse. Cheese was out there , toying with
it. That sideways arrogant grin making it seem like surfing big
waves was about as risky as buying a carton of milk.
At some point, the apex of a huge peak came to me and trying
desperately to elude it Cheese looked me straight in the eye and
screamed “Go!” He had an internal force within him that made
obedience mandatory. So I did. Like all the Momentum crew
did when he turned them from scared young kids into Pipeline
maestros.
Chesser wasn’t the only father figure Kelly wept over during the
Q and A. He broke down when discussing the influence of Jack
Johnson’s Dad, Pete Johnson. The crowd was gushing, people weeping
openly.
The film had made a fair fist of painting Kelly as an
over-competitive dickhead but this display of male vulnerability
was melting the hardest hearts. Kelly’s last lap will be as much
about these public unburdenings of emotion as it will be about
surfing.
Kelly and his crew ran a straight edge campaign and avoided the
excesses of a Tour where dark spaces lured other damaged youth into
toxic drug culture. The ghost of Shane Herring haunted the film.
The arc of redemption from rags to riches is an American tale but
the Australian experience was as much a mirror image with a darker
outcome. Lost boys who did not find healing in their tribe.
Certain things are dissected forensically. The famous 1995
Pipeline High Five, for example.
A view is presented that Kelly somehow orchestrated it to throw
Machado for the rest of the heat. Kelly claims it as an organic
display of joy. Having witnessed it from the beach, ripped to the
tits on LSD, I side with Kelly.
The whole heat was so surreal, so perfect; it would be inhuman
not to try and wrest a high point and commit it to posterity. Which
is what happened. Kelly the preternatural showman created more of
these unforgettable high points than any pro surfer in history.
Other things are left out.
The film is scrubbed clean of sex, drugs, Australians. That
surgical insularity aims the film squarely at a mainstream American
audience but leaves more questions than answers for global
viewers.
Kelly and his crew ran a straight-edge campaign and avoided the
excesses of a Tour where dark spaces lured other damaged youth into
toxic drug culture. The ghost of Shane Herring haunted the film.
The arc of redemption from rags to riches is an American tale but
the Australian experience was as much a mirror image with a darker
outcome.
Lost boys who did not find healing in their tribe.
I couldn’t help but try and calculate the influence of the
Momentum Generation while watching Bells. Kelly’s
quarter-final with Ryan Callinan was being watched live by a global
audience of around six thousand, maybe a few thousand on the beach
watching live.
The era officially ended in 1998, less than a decade after it
began, with Kelly’s sixth world title and subsequent retirement.
The high-water mark of American pro surfing rolled back from there
and twenty-one years later, the American coastal market has not
been able to sustain a single CT event.
Only Kelly’s own creation remains. For now, at least.
As far as pure influence on the surfing culture, both Andrew
Kidman’s and Jon Frank’s 1995 rebuttal to shopping mall punk and
ADHD editing, Litmus, as well as Tom Curren’s post-tour
wanderings in the Search movies seem more enduring.
The blowback was stronger than the movement. Only Kelly’s
Pipeline surfing from that era seems destined to ring through
eternity.
To be fair, and accurate, each member of the Momentum
Generation did step up and achieve something close to their
full potential. Ross now coaches the heir to Kelly’s throne, John
John Florence.
Dorian became the greatest big wave rider of his and any
era.
Machado has continued to invent and reinvent a marketable
persona and stay stoked.
Taylor Steele was the last man standing to sell a squillion
DVD’s and so on.
Kelly’s Third Act, taking control of the waves, may yet prove to
be the defining move into the mainstream that twenty-seven years of
pro surfing mastery could never provide.
Friends heal and make whole, that is the message of the
Momentum Generation, but in the final analysis a
father-sized hole in his psyche can never be filled.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros