A great question.
Generally, this is how I would describe professional world tour surfers (and professional “free surfers” as I understand they’re called).
Generally, too, I would be lying if I said that the only reason I don’t look away when my boyfriend forces me to watch “surf contests” on his iPad while we are cooking a nice, elegant meal is because there are (allegedly) hot babes on the tour.
I say allegedly because I’m still looking for them.
According to “Mimi” at a “magazine” with an exceedingly violent name, there are at least 10 hot surfers.
Hmmmmmm, wrong!
Sure, “Mimi’s” scoop of the century was published eight years ago and those guys are long gone, but the way I see it, there are only five hot professional surfers:
This guy is basically Bodhi. He speaks in Radical Zen Koans and drives motorcycles with a death wish. He’s fast. His motorcycle even has a sticker that says “Live Fast, Die Last.” He invented “aerials.” He has a surprisingly-not-terrifying skull tattoo. 10/10.
2. Michael February
I saw one picture of this guy in GQ (congrats, Michael!) and I was sold. He looks both tall and whimsical, which I like. He also has the smile of a beauty pageant contestant, but I’m told he’s no longer on the tour anymore, why WSL? Why?
I swear I don’t have a tattoo fetish, but this guy is smoking! He makes wetsuits look sexy and not like some amoebic neoprene tube sock. He also has a cool name and does sick “airs.” Hot.
4. Jack Freestone
Honorable Wonder Bread mention. Hot Dad entry. Athletic. Currently not blonde. By the way, what are you feeding your ginormous baby? He is very cute but I’m concerned he might smother you or your very hot wife in a few years.
5. Actually, there are only four hot surfers.
Why Your Favorite Hot Surfer Didn’t Get Mentioned?
Julian Wilson — too predictable, too boring, too much of a bratty baby?
Danny Fuller — lost his spot to Jack (there can only be one Hot Surf Dad)
Craig Anderson — very beautiful woman (which is cool, if that’s what you’re into)
Luke Davis — spends too much time perfecting his look for Instagram
The Brazilians — too good at surfing to also be called hot
As I compiled this list, I recalled several of my boyfriend’s agitated conversations with fellow “surfers” about an “industry crisis.”
Might I propose a cause and a solution. There is an overwhelming drought of hot surfer dudes (isn’t this what riding waves is all about, being hot and picking up chicks?), so the WSL must recruit more, and then start making them eat whatever Jack Freestone is feeding his child.
Problem solved.
Your comments are still here. Every one of them.
Twelve years of BeachGrit comments came across from Disqus. Connect and we will show you how many are yours. We get your username, nothing else.
Connect Disqus to reveal.
If Jack’s eyes were any closer together he’d be a cyclops.
Thats some transphobic shit you said about Craig Anderson.
OK… uhhh, Whilst I’m not professional surfer and therefore don’t qualify, I am still a little perplexed that i didn’t get a mention.
michel bourez doesnt make the cut?
high standards, eleanor.
Christian teefless……?
Isn’t this how facebook got started?
Courtney
My wife (obviously an arbiter of taste) says men with freckles always look dirty, so I’m gonna have to cut chippa of your list.
Is Eleanor Sheehan one of Ben Marcus’ pen names?
Much fun….. but I figured Derek would write the hot surfer list ….
It’s all about a bit of neck-podge.
Clear, sharp chin-lines are so passe.
And six-packs clearly mark you out as a sissy. Chicks dig a mature padding of life experiences just topping the belt-line.
Especially when your belt line exposes 3 inches of arse crack
Channel Bottoms Rule
(according to NC)
Awesome, I knew you’d agree with me. Ball’s in your court Chas.
Done!
Laird and Peter Drouyn.
Used to see him driving northern beaches Sydney in a silver merc with some tosser number plate – fuck he was on himself
There was usually someone on him so he didn’t really have time for himself
“I hate it when people say I look better than I surf!”
I think it’s just a faze
We all go through it, right?
Just for shits and giggles publish this article with the genders reversed, I dare ya.
You won’t be able to see from all the smoke of burning bras and you’ll end up trending on twitter #metoo
Better yet just do it voting on the best ass from a reef ad. #marcella
#equality
I think now they got the money they dont care about us objectifying them anymore
Whenever Frederico Morais appears on screen I can’t help but take a sudden sharp breath and whisper to myself “that is the most handsome man I’ve ever seen”. Those rugged Old World features. A poise forged by countless generations making a hard living off the Atlantic’s bounty. That deep but buttery voice that oozes sex. What more could one possibly want in man?
The product of mixing genes from Northern Africa and Southern Europe for a 1000 years ?
Well, I certainly hope that Freddy’s got something better on offer than you 3 queer cunts.
Come and join the awesome queer foursome …. you big star you .
Bicko, you need to get out of bizarro electronica euroland.
Just having a giggle .Your right ,the waves are pumping at my old break at Cronulla as we speak, and I am off to the playground, in the cold , with the two year old to dominate the swings .
True
Nice ripbowl at the
D To the Y
Couldnt help but dominate on ma 7,4 minimal
Foam monster
Smthn Gmed and i came up with.
My 6’4” mate celebrated being 53 ,on the other side of the harbour ,on a 6’5” step up ,on the beaches while other brothers were out at a Reef just south of Ours on diverse craft .
He must have a non strenuous job
I kept doing my back on me ol 6;4 which is now 6,2, a rock attacked it
Putting out Fire (thankfully not with gasoline ! ) .
see, that’s a massive bludge, no offence boys
Unless Bex’s house goes up in smoke ?
Where I lived in France if you didn’t by their Xmas Calendar they weren’t in a hurry with the hoses when the BBQ went pear shaped .
It’s great how we can now be forced to accept each other!
Two of em?
And I get to be the Lucky Pierre?
I’m not up on the lingo but does it mean the meat in a sandwich?
Yup, like lego blocks
Not harsh at all then
soz
What about the commentator box – Joe Turpells smooth as silk, gentle Cal drawl makes me weak at knees lol
Chas said he had a toy poodle or smthn.
Bit harsh mate!
A tiny abused chihuahua!
Captialise that! Make Abused Chihuahua a breed! In your neck of the woods you’d make a fortune. Market it as a dog for all seasons, one you can pick up and drop, leave shut in the house all day, choke out when you feel like it…disposable dogs! The spin would be endless.
Meanest dog I’ve ever met is a chihuahua my friend adopted from Dog Rescue Tijuana.
I hate it when they shave their badgers.