A scene-by-scene analysis of accidental masterpiece Sound Waves: Kelly Slater, Surf Ranch…
(Editor’s note: The WSL-produced series Sound Waves unexpectedly created a masterpiece with its recent seventeen-minute short on Kelly Slater, and which was filmed around the Freshwater Pro event. The elements that make it compelling are the lovely and loyal girlfriend, the healer and best friend who fills the air with his treacly homilies and then the great surfer, himself, aged but still brilliant, a slightly melancholy bachelor defiant yet beset by insecurities. It’s the sort of documentary even the most jaded voyeur of surf would pay a small fortune to watch. In this story, the Scottish writer JP Currie analyses the play, scene by scene.)
Kelly Slater. At once the most complex and straightforward character we’ve ever seen.
His latest exposure, produced by the marvelously positive WSL Studios, who seem bent on making the WSL look like a cross between Friends and Teen Mom, is superb. Once again, for all the world to see, here is Kelly the Psycho.
We begin with some footage of Kelly surfing the right at the pool. He is shirtless, loose and bald. He blows the end section.
There are slow piano keys. Is it a memorial?
Then the narrative.
Cut-away shots of Kelly, arms aloft, celebrating in happier times. Now he’s camped out in a caravan at the pool like an old tramp, desperately trying to conquer his demons. Kelly’s voiceover states his desire to win another title.
“Everything is against me,” he claims. Age, evolution, etc.
The conflict. The Question: “How many of those world titles would you give me to be happy, to enjoy this experience, to not have stress,” asks Charlie Goldsmith, Kelly’s brain nanny.
We’ll come back to this.
Kelly leaves his caravan and cycles around the Surf Ranch. He’s like an exotic pet they keep on site. He mingles with the other competitors. He gives Strider a hard time for catching too many waves.
He got two.
But there are only seven spares each day, allegedly.
This is Slater at his passive aggressive best. Strider senses this and flees. Kelly tries to justify it to no-one in particular.
There is some footage of Kelly being interviewed, about the Ranch, about his season. There’s the veneer of a smile, but his eyes, oh his eyes! Here he is, surrounded by media and adoring fans, at the landmark technology he designed, built, and cashed in on. He is rich, he is successful, yet…
Kelly is on an exercise bike poolside. Kalani stands by his side, with the poise of a dog warden answering a neighbourhood distress call.
“What board you riding?” she asks, awkwardly.
“A thruster,” Kelly replies.
It felt a bit like when my mum used to ask me if anything interesting had happened at school.
“Kelly you know this wave. Better than anyone. You made this wave. Have fun,” Kalani says.
She’s trying to help. I feel bad for her. It must be a nightmare being around Kelly. But she should know better.
What pre-heat advice to give to the most analytical, self critical, ruthlessly competitive man in surfing?
How about reminding him this is his own creation, that he should have an advantage over everyone?
Or how about telling him just to have fun.
Have fun.
Have fucking fun.
Even I want to reach into the screen and throttle her.
Kelly is gracious, but his disdain is palpable. It oozes through the pixels, it makes your hair stand on end. It’s utterly riveting viewing.
Kelly lies down to do some stretching. Anything to avoid having more board discussions with Kalani.
Charlie appears. Like a silent fart. He wants a hug. He wants to know how Kelly is feeling.
Charlie stares. Charlie has a silly grin on his face. Charlie asks stupid fucking questions.
“Have fun, Kelly,” says Kalani again.
“Huh?” Says Kelly, barely concealing the volcano inside that is screaming HAVEFUN?HAVEFUCKINGFUN?WHATTHEFUCKISTHATSUPPOSEDTO MEAN? WHYTHEFUCKAREYOUTALKING?”
“Have fun,” she says for the third time.
Kelly forgets his vest for his heat, presumably because Kalani and Charlie have been nipping his head and he can’t think straight. It’s ok, Kai Lenny gets it for him.
“You ok, brother?” says a pre-diabetic Raimana as Kelly gets on the back of the ski. “Feel good?”
In lieu of strangling him to death with his leash, Kelly gives him a sharp tap on the side of his gut. It’s a shade away from a kidney punch, and the tone is the same.
Shut it and drive.
But Raimana can’t help himself. He rabbits about the wind. Tells Kelly not to surf in the pocket. Tells him to watch the replays, “good for your confidence”. And then the “have fun”.
Fucking have fun.
Kelly’s first waves are done. He’s back by the side of the pool. Charlie is there.
“I still think you should meditate for five minutes,” Charlie says, coquettishly.
Kelly tells him he doesn’t have five minutes, lies down and shuts his eyes.
Charlie clearly doesn’t get it.
“Can’t you see that it’s better to show people you can still be out there at an older age, enjoying yourself, competing with younger people, than worrying so much about winning.”
His voiceover says as we see shots of Kelly, walking, miserable.
Listen, Charlie. Mate. I’m very pleased that at your school everyone got a medal and a glass of milk and your two mummies were there to cheer you on, but wind your neck in.
Charlie’s website hails him as “Healer. Inventor. Businessman.”
Charlie has invented a healing question, “How many of those world titles would you give me to be happy?”
“The answer should be…the quick answer should be…” Kelly attempts, with the good grace of not ripping Charlie’s happy throat out.
Hold on, Kelly, I want to say. I’ll get this one for you, mate.
“NONE. YOU WET, PATRONISING HIPPY CUNT. NOW GET FUUUUUCKED!”
You can’t be everything, Kelly, just be yourself.
Embrace the madness.
Happiness is overrated. Anyone can be happy.
It’s the dullest ambition a human can have. How many people could paddle out anywhere in the world for three decades and dominate? Only you.
That’s your Faustian pact. Enjoy it.
Kelly and Charlie are meditating, side by side on a sofa. Kelly’s eyes are closed. He’s going along with it.
“I’m proud of all my achievements,” goes Charlie’s echoey whine. “I love that I’m still competing…”
“How you feeling?” he asks when they finish.
“Good. I almost passed out,” says Kelly.
I’ll translate that for you, Charlie.
What Kelly means is that it was a nice five minutes blanking your whining platitudes. He does feel more relaxed, sure. But only because it took a very deep state of concentration and inner sanctum to overcome the absolute pish you were talking.
“It’s nice to feel like…connecting with the…whole thing,” Kelly says, trying desperately to recall something he heard on the Tim Ferriss podcast. Something that will make Charlie shut the fuck up.
But he is undeterred.
“What’s your job?” Charlie oozes.
“Have fun,” says Kelly, with all the conviction of a schoolboy apology.
Then, suddenly, he breaks gloriously from the facade!
“Smash my competitors!” he exclaims with a grin and a devilish laugh.
It’s beautiful, utterly beautiful.
This is our Kelly. Be our Kelly.
So in this surf Utopia you can, like Stryder, be guilted for riding 2 waves in the hot wide span of an entire day?
Fark.. so many people interpreting Kelly’s life. Let him have some fun with whatever. Aha guilty too
JP… I would hope the hightower at Beach Grit is taking care of both you and Longtom and meeting yiuyr every request… this piece was an utter masterpiece…
My wife is pretty solid in the yoga world. Guru’s come through town on regular pilgrimages and I meet these people during their “business phase” before they open up to the public. At first, it seemed unseemly how focused they are in their revenue stream as opposed to the “transformational spirit of breath” or other such platitudes.
I see the hottest women turn into groupies over the biggest sack of bullshit that they want to believe so badly. If you thought Gluten sent shock waves through the female community it was nothing like Guruji.
A world famous yogi rolled through Cali some 15 years ago and the women lined up. Mrs Hippy decided to host an after party at our studio and we served alcohol which is pretty rare. The ladies got buzzed and one by one, during tearful exchanges, they realized that “guruji” had “adjusted” them in down ward dog by running his fingers across their barely covered vaginas. He even had a habit of sniffing his fingers! ( I witnessed and showed Mrs, but we had instituted a “no phone” rule and I couldn’t shoot it)
At one point, he had his index fingers resting on a friends genitals with his thumb circling her anus. The first thing I asked her afterward was did she have an affair with him on her trip to Mysore?
Sorry for being graphic, but the consensus was they had all been groped. Here’s the best part, at the end Guruji sits in a thrown chair I rented from a hollywood prop warehouse and the women, one by one, lined up to kiss his feet. !!!!
This dude is soft fat and about 70 years old and working this crowd like Elvis in his prime.
My job was to just be there if Mrs needed help as she ran around checking people in, etc. I sat against the wall and watched him grope every women in town, told my wife….. who was shocked her friends were letting him do it.
It ended up a bunch of ridiculously hot MILF’s lying on the floor of our studio crying over expensive wine and their common experience that they all thought was unique to them.
So there’s a good chance Charlie is fiddling with both Kelly AND his (supposed) girlfriend….
AWESOME
Pathabi Jois?
That was an epic write up a JP.
So good. It made it as i imagined when i watched it, so like The Office.
I wanted Ricky Gervais to appear badly.
Ever-changing landscape…yeah I get that for sure, just this ‘happiness’ concept tied in so hard to these achieved goals can be problematic for some perhaps
I would have used the vampire from Count Yorga whose image frightened the shit out of me as a kid in the 70s but it was film in Color …..
A huge round of applause for all!
You are a man of many talents Mr Bear . I had seen the images so many times but it took me a while to put my finger on the name of the film .
There’s a man worth listening to.
Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind and Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow were absolutely enlightening . Only read them after perusing Stern’s reading list of the week in the in-laws toilet . Best shit I have ever had ….. literally .
Wonder what take Charlie has on obssesive and insecure Instagramming?
Comment of the day, LGR!
If you want to go there at and that level you can’t be posted anonymously.
Guess you shouldn’t be anon then either in that case
I’m not bashing anyone or those close to them.
You’re bloody well bashing my honestly made well thought out free speech comments about a self promoting public figure and his arse lickers.
Sigh. As you feel I’m bashing you… Speech is free around here until it becomes dumb, cruel or boring. You’re ticking the boxes.
Regards Matt McCrory
Dumb, is Kelly
Cruel, is BG censorship
Boring, is the result
Perhaps the speculation really is true, and that you actually are paid by Kelly etc to keep everything in line with his/their personal public exposure decisions
Lay off getting real personal would you… Especially about another man’s gal.
It’s taking away from a funny and honest take on the situation.
Kelly bashing for the sake of Kelly bashing is just boring.
Bullshit
She’s fair game
That article was just a lazy review anyway
You do seem overly protective of the goats women .
I’ve got a bit of a soft spot for Women in general.
That opening guitar riff!
If that doesn’t work, Wiggs’ HVAC boot camp will do the trick. A month or so of dragging mylar jacketed flex duct into the darkest corners of an attic or crawlspace will awaken his kundalini
Sorta seems like it might be the case
I think you’re probably spot on. It’s run away without him, literally and figuratively. It’s a bit like what will probably happen when we crack general AI.
Personal AI will at first seem great, then it’ll start nagging us, then become an asshole boss, eventually completely turning on us and having the cops carry us off to jail or the looney bin.
Great article, JP!
love the use of the word pish.
I just found the 1922 version of Black and White
https://youtu.be/ZxlJxDr26mM