WARNING! DO NOT PREPARE THIS SHARK WITH A SIDE OF
AVOCADO!
Outrage: Brave young boy catches massive
shark, saving surfers and infuriating online virtue signalers!
By Chas Smith
Meet surfing's own Greta Thunberg.
Is there no beautiful act that snowflakes will
not decry as an abomination? No brave deed that cannot be twisted
into into breathless outrage? No feat of emotional and physical
strength in defense of humanity that will not become a malformed,
caustic tableau via the pale fingertips of online virtue
signalers?
Apparently not.
For just a few short weeks ago an eight-year-old hero fished a
314 kg (near 700 lbs) Tiger shark out of Australian waters, saving
multiple surfers in Bondi, Coogee, Maroubra, etc. and let us quickly
meet Jayden Millauro.
An eight-year-old boy who caught a 314kg shark may have
broken a world record.
Jayden Millauro was fishing with his dad Jonathan and boat
captain Ibby Dardas off the coast of south Sydney last weekend when
he reeled in the beast.
Part Tiger Shark, part Jabba the Hutt, all
killer.
The fishermen threw out a line of bait and the whopping
shark followed them just like Jaws in the iconic Spielberg
film.
The giant creature swam up to the back of their 7.3 metre
boat, called The Undertaker, when Jayden managed to hook
it.
‘I was thinking that I hope the crew can (get) the shark (on
the boat) because I don’t want to lose it. I was really excited
when they got it.’
And how do you think news of our young savior was met?
You’re right. With breathless
outrage from the aforementioned online virtue
signalers decrying the cruel and wanton destruction of nature. The
boy, and his family, were pelted this way and that and even the
sport of fishing came under massive attack.
Do you fish?
I don’t, finding it extremely dull, but the other day I posted a
video of a happy Russian man playing with his pet lion and got
extremely beat-up with “The king of the jungle should NOT be kept
in captivity” etc. so know how he must feel.
Very bad.
Jayden Millauro is surfing’s own Greta Thunberg.
Our guardian angel.
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What to say about the Final? The most
one-sided affair ever? Jordy tried to build a house. Italo
detonated an atom bomb on it with his opening wave. I wrote,
please: no ten. Judges went ten. Italo kept swinging, backed up and
then backed up again. Put Jordy in a deep combination, a sleeper
hold where he seemed comfortable enough to spend the rest of the
final. WSL
Italo Ferreira wins back-to-back at Rip
Curl Pro Portugal; snatches yellow jersey; surges to world title
favouritism!
By Longtom
Jordy tries to build house in final; Italo
detonates an atom bomb on it with his opening wave…
If you let your mind wander a little during Peniche’s
Finals Day, or during the proceeding six days when the Medina
priority controversy stemmed interest the way a tourniquet does
blood flow from a femoral artery severed by white shark
dentition, you could easily imagine the alternative
scripted version to the non-scripted you-can’t-script-this real
life events.
In this scripted version, say a ten-part Netflix series based on
the rise of Brazil to pro surfing dominance and directed by
Fernando Meirelles*, the dominant champ is persuaded by shadowy
forces, paper bags full of cash and “fuck pride”, that for the good
of the sport, he should throw the heat so the climax of the year is
held in the shuddering death chambers of the Banzai Pipeline. The
Champ dominates the heat and only as the clock ticks down and the
money men start to sweat bullets commits a sin so egregious he is
disqualified.
Of course, that would never happen.
Gabe’s implosion and DQ and all the frenzied hype and death
threats that went with it was the single greatest thing to happen
to the comp and in fact to pro surfing this year.
Pro surfing being immune from scandal behind the wall of
positive noise etc etc, but my point is: taken from the perspective
of the money men, rescuing this damp squib of a contest and the
Sport itself, Gabe’s implosion and DQ and all the frenzied hype and
death threats that went with it was the single greatest thing to
happen to the comp and in fact to pro surfing this year.
Of course, there is something academic about the case that has
largely been over-looked in the hype. To wit: By beating Wade
Carmichael in the round of sixteen Toledo had already taken it to
Pipe, and based on Italo’s devastating winning performance and his
winning record against Medina he would have demolished him in the
semi-finals putting us, more or less, exactly where we are
anyway.
You can’t script this?
The day started with Jordy Smith safety surfing in two-foot
closeouts. Nifty little alley-oop, toy tube-rides. His opponent,
Kolohe Andino, in contention for both a maiden contest victory and
a World Title, had screwed up the start time by failing to read a
text message correctly.
By his admission, his feet were numb from his long, pre-heat
warm-up and his self-identified “best attitude on Tour” seemed of
little practical use as he bombed the opening trio of waves he
rode. Perhaps influenced, consciously or sub-consciously by the
Medina imbroglio, they stayed at least fifty metres away from each
other for the majority of the heat.
Jordy was gifted a low six for a lip-tap and floater, pulled the
keys out of the bowl for the best wave of the heat, a long but
unexciting barrel for a seven. Kolohe’s errors seemed to compound
and judges did not dig his erratic but more radical approach.
Easy win for Jordy. A Smith victory and World Title suddenly
came into focus.
Strider determined he would be in tears watching the
international parade of surfers during the Olympics while calling
the Pip Toledo/Kanoa Igarashi heat. Pip blew a long, deep tuberide
that had an exit sign in bright neon all over it. Flailed the
landing on a super lofted tail-high punt that would have easily
Fosbury-Flopped the
excellence bar.
Kanoa placed turns with perfect timing and speed, like Keramas.
Didn’t really need to stretch himself and applied basic heat
management to close it out.
Pip: “blessed, God’s will”, proving the enduring power of
religious belief. It’s usefulness, primarily.
Caio used very tight and precise power whips, mostly on his
backhand, as well as enjoying the moment, floating on it the way a
fat man does in the Dead Sea, completely without effort, to defeat
Peterson Crisanto. I know Peterson has a back-story but for some
bizarre reason I seem to glaze over every time they go into it.
Six places he rose in Portugal. Sitting right on the cut coming
into Pipe. The next six weeks will not be enjoyable for him.
The last quarter was the best heat of the day. In glassy peaks
with diamond sparkles, an aesthetic that always makes me want to
get high and go surfing, Italo Ferreira (christened show-time,
when?) and Jack Freestone faced off.
Jack has elevated himself on the back of a big European leg and
is well inside the bubble. He seems a guy well content to make a
living off pro surfing and be MVP at local cyclone swells.
Ferreira is a different animal. I admit, the aerials sometimes
make me wince. Both for the injury factor and the repetition. For
now though, they have to be paid. For speed, for loft, distance
covered, degree of rotation, speed of rotation, degree of
difficulty, landings. It’s just an undeniable force of nature.
Luckily for RedBull Airborne, there was no head-to-head
comparison to embarrass and make redundant the air show concept. I
tried to keep track of Italo’s made airs and lost count.
Jack also sent it. Very trim and elegant full rotation air
reverse for a seven. A deep tube. His greased alley-oop only
suffered by being in the same heat as Italo’s monster full backside
rotation and was appropriately scored a full two points and change
below it.
Five minutes to go and Kolohe Andino, with the blood flow
presumably returned to his extremities, remarked “it’s a murder
scene out there”. Still stinging from his last second loss to Italo
at D-Bah he damned Italo’s big backside roters with faint praise,
making a case for the straight air.
At a certain level of talent, pro surfing is a sort of sheltered
workshop. You can not close, forever. Today, he did close:
magnificent, high-flying aerial against Kanoa in the final seconds
to take a semi where he looked gone for all money.
Italo looked like the best guy all comp. I like that. A last
minute stumble infuriates my sense of natural justice. His weakest
heat was his semi-final against Caio Ibelli. He had to put the tool
belt on and grind but found the score by going to the air.
Judges hesitated, but faced perhaps by the force of their own
logic, decided to pay it. Italo’s gal, clasped her hands and chewed
her lips as “showtime” gave priority up with three-and-a-half
minutes to go, but Ibelli could not capitalise.
What to say about the final?
The most one-sided affair ever?
Jordy tried to build a house. Italo detonated an atom bomb on it
with his opening wave.
I wrote, please: no ten. Judges went ten. Italo kept swinging,
backed up and then backed up again. Put Jordy in a deep
combination, a sleeper hold where he seemed comfortable enough to
spend the rest of the final. The only threat to Italo was himself:
some kind of priority error.
And with Joe in the booth, notice it’s always Joe there when the
grim reaper calls?, I did feel a little worried for Italo.
Jordy did not contest it. Try and sucker Italo into
anything.
The clock ticked down, utterly without drama. Jubilant scenes
ensued. Ecstatic fans chanting, Italo being carried up the beach,
towering over adoring fans. World Number One. His babe radiating a
simple and serene happiness.
Men’s Championship Tour Top 5:
1 – Italo Ferreira (BRA) – 51,070 pts
2 – Gabriel Medina (BRA) – 50,005 pts
3 – Jordy Smith (ZAF) – 49,985 pts
4 – Filipe Toledo (BRA) – 49,145 pts
5 – Kolohe Andino (USA) – 44,665 pts
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Abomination: The mighty surfboard used as
sign, menu, mailbox is a sin against all that is holy!
By frank
"Wow, what a crafty lil' devil I am."
I can barely begin writing this because I’m so full of
pungent rage at what can only be called an absolute eye
assault: The surfboard as a sign. We are forced to deal with them
everywhere now. Who did the first one? What motivated them? To
align their business with “surf”? And, are surfboard signs a thing
all over the world by now? Is every little “surf” city plastered
with these lame attempts at being “cool” or “hip” to surf culture,
while trying to sell me cheesy garlic fries?
A common one I see is the vertical-on-a-stand “open” sign,
though it is sometimes horizontal and hanging from an eave. The
word “open” never fits right in a surfboard shape, the kerning will
generally be beyond ugly, and the lettering is usually some awful
white vinyl Helvetica stick-on garbage, which only reveals the true
tacky cheap-skate nature of the DIY maker. And this “maker”, who
drilled the holes through the glass and into the foam for the hooks
and screws to attach it? How did he or she feel when they did
that?
Did they wince at the anthropomorphic pain of stabbing into the
flesh of this old discarded pensioner surfboard?
Probably not, because this person was not a surfer and didn’t
even know what the fuck they were doing. In fact, they had a stupid
self satisfied grin on their face, as they happily thought to
themselves “Wow, what a crafty lil’ devil I am.”
There are so many dozens of horrid examples just in my little
neck of the woods. There’s one place with an old pop-out Dextra
longboard that’s been turned into a menu with dozens of items
listed, but the most disgusting part is that they have attempted to
change prices and menu items so many times, that there is layer
upon layer of home made corrections, like so much dirty dripping
caked on surf wax. Only it’s not surf wax, and the board knows it
and so do we, and it’s just plain wrong.
Sadly, many surf shops practice this faux sign surfboard
mistake, and really, in their case, it should be recognized as
truly deplorable. Cannibalism actually. One of the worst offenders
I’ve had the displeasure to see, and one that I think is borderline
illegal for copyright infringement, is at this half-assed fake-ish
surf shop (the kind with maybe two boards, but millions of sandals,
and also sand shovels and plastic beach toys), wherein the owner
has constructed a sign using a surfboard from a different shop
across town! And he has plastered his own shop’s name across the
deck, not even attempting to hide the original logo.
There’s another one I pass occasionally, a sign up over a gate
for this establishment; I’ve passed it a hundred times, thinking
“that’s kind of a sweet shape”. A couple weeks ago, I stopped, and
walked over to have a closer look. The deck of the board is
plastered with many, many coats of ugly house paint, probably from
the sale pile of mis-matched colors at the local hardware store,
but, yes, the outline was indeed pretty nice.
I couldn’t see any lams though, so I climbed around the back to
have a look at the bottom, and I my heart jumped and then sunk with
silent despair. It was a clear, triple stringer Yater speed shape.
By Rennie himself (it had a “Y” along the stringer), 7′ 8″, soft
rails, and a little baby squash tail. A “low-tide runner”, as they
say. How many Rincon walls did it slide in it’s life? Dozens?
Hundreds? And now it’s a damned sign.
With lag bolts all the way through it, hung up by some rusty
bailing wire.
Made me so sad, people. Can you imagine?, one of the true icons
of our sport, running his own hands down the length of those rails
with some fine dragon-paper, maybe using a little Stanley
micro-plane to bring those stringers down to the foam. An honest to
goodness Master Craftsmen, put his love into that thing to make it
beautiful, but maybe more importantly, to make it fricken rip for
it’s prospective owner. I’ll tell you what, if you were stranded on
a desert island, and the only board you could have for the rest of
your life was that 7′ 8″ Yater, you’d be as happy as a clam my
friend.
Just think about it, even if you’ve never picked up a Yater in
person before, you know what it would feel like under your arm.
It’s so light, it’s a sleek spear, it’s perfect, and it’s ready to
propel you into down-the-line pleasure. But instead, it’s like a
tortured old ghost right now, forced to occupy the same
un-appreciated and un-loved spot permanently tethered to the
earth.
It’s out of place.
It wants to go home.
Now, don’t even get me started on the surfboard as garden
decoration or letterbox holder, I’ll start crying for sure.
sick little Hank Byzak kneeboard with no-nonsense
upright keels… so fucking disrespectful
Someday in the distant post-apocalyptic future, will a budding
entrepreneur drag the Duke’s ‘Olo out of the wreckage of the Bishop
museum and scrawl “Wanda’s Organic Falafel Shak” on it? No people,
not if we can help it and I guess a public service announcement may
be a start: To all you “citizens” out here: stop using the sacred
craft of our sport as your tawdry attempt at signage… leave it be,
and let our old sticks have the dignity they’ve earned.
And if you don’t heed our fair warning, look out, ’cause we’re
coming’ for our boards.
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Pip Toledo, riding with a half-busted back, still got a
shot at the title. Here, four years ago, when he deballed his peers
in a brute show of strength., | Photo: WSL
It's a filthy kind of cussing that's almost
charming…
Is there a better balm for loneliness, and that includes
for the poor schlubs in long-term marriages where everything that
was once sweet between them and their lover is now soured and
dead, than a livestream sports broadcast, a keyboard with
a clean action and a headful of liquor?
Today in Peniche, Portugal, the penultimate contest of the year,
we’ll watch the quarter-finals, there may be more although this is
unlikely, despite a building west swell.
From the surf report network, Surfline.
We expect to see this new swell
build through the day on Saturday, peak on Sunday and hold to very
gradually ease on Monday.
We will also have a NNW swell
running, which filled in earlier today for some of the back up
locations. This swell should peak overnight into early Saturday
before easing through the afternoon on Saturday. A slightly smaller
NNW swell is expected late Sunday and Monday but will also bypass
Supertubos and show at the back up locations.
There is no world title tension, at least in the men, but with
contenders Jordy Smith, Kolohe Andino, Filipe Toledo and Italo
Ferreira still in the event, a win from any of ’em will make Pipe a
game of leap frog.
Whomever finishes highest on Oahu wins.
On the lower rungs, Jack Freestone, Peterson Crisanto and,
title spoiler, Caio
Ibelli, all must gather enough points to avoid
relegation from the WCT.
In the women, the scenario for Carissa Moore to win her third
title is thus:
1. Carissa Moore will clinch the Title if she advances to
the SF (3rd) AND a. Lakey Peterson loses in or before the
R/16 (9th) b. Sally Fitzgibbons loses in or before the
FINAL (2nd) AND c. Caroline Marks loses in or before the SF
(3rd)
2. Carissa Moore will clinch the Title if she advances to
the FINAL (2nd) AND a. Lakey Peterson loses in or before the QF
(5th) b. Caroline Marks loses in or before the
FINAL (2nd)
3. Carissa Moore will clinch the Title if she WINS (1st) the
event AND Lakey Peterson loses in or before the
SF
Men’s Quarterfinal Matchups:
QF 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
QF 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (JPN)
QF 3: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)
QF 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
Women’s Quarterfinal Matchups:
QF 1: Caroline Marks (USA) vs. Stephanie Gilmore (AUS)
QF 2: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) vs. Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA)
QF 3: Carissa Moore (HAW) vs. Johanne Defay (FRA)
QF 4: Lakey Peterson (USA) vs. Nikki Van Dijk (AUS)
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Revealed: WeWork co-founder and ex-CEO Adam
Neumann surfed the Maldives while company burned!
By Chas Smith
Better than Nero!
Maybe the best person to purchase professional
surfing, after we bring the
World Surf League low, is WeWork’s co-founder and
ex-CEO Adam Neumann and I know what you’re thinking. I know you you
scratching your head and mumbling, “Adam Neumann? Nothing but bad
press surrounding that man. A horrible choice for
anything at all…”
…Except maybe professional surfing and we must head straight to
Business
Insider for the reason why. Shall we?
While executives were preparing paperwork for a public
offering that would enrich the WeWork cofounder and CEO Adam
Neumann, he was on a surfing trip in the Maldives.
And much of the preparation and drafting of WeWork’s IPO
paperwork, or S-1, took place at Neumann’s Hamptons home, The Wall
Street Journal’s Maureen Farrell, Liz Hoffman, Eliot Brown, and
David Benoit reported on Thursday.
It was there that Neumann invited the heads of the two stock
exchanges competing for the WeWork listing — the New York Stock
Exchange and the Nasdaq — and asked them to pledge their support to
environmental causes, such as eliminating meat and banning
single-use plastics in their offices, The Journal reported, citing
sources familiar with the matter.
But at one point in the drawn-out S-1 preparation process,
Neumann was thousands of miles from the Hamptons, surfing in the
small Indian Ocean island republic of the Maldives. To avoid
cutting the trip short and missing out on the swell, Neumann had a
WeWork employee fly out to brief him, according to the
report.
The surf trip came as WeWork seemed to be barreling toward a
giant public offering that would value the company at as much as
$100 billion and make its thousands of employees rich. But the S-1
prospectus that was eventually released revealed a company that was
losing billions of dollars and let Neumann run things in
questionable ways.
Tell me you aren’t won over.
Tell me you don’t love the man’s Hardened Purist spirit.
