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Longtom reviews Chas Smith’s Reports from Hell: “Chas Smith looks, as my Grandaddy would say, like a ‘long streak of pelican shit.”

"This is the first Chas Smith book I’ve read but I already know it’s by far the best."

By Longtom

  • Comments
    42

World’s best pro surfing analyst sensationally quits BeachGrit, “Not one writer has gone out on their own terms. Two in a pine box, the rest in a hail of recriminations and bad feelz!”

"I've never understood how surf journalism has always identified with the interests of the few (subjects) against the many (readers). That's always seemed ass about to me."

By Longtom

  • Comments
    153

Rip Curl WSL Finals analysis, “Gabriel ensured the absurdity engineered by WSDL CEO Erik Logan could not rob him of the Third Title which by rights should have already been won!”

Justice served.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    230

Route to victory: How underdog Australian Morgan Cibilic can “corner Gabriel Medina like a rat” in a “ridiculous, peculiar” Trestles Finals Day, “Perfect in the context of the WSL whoring its credibility out on the most sexless, boring reality show in human history!”

It's a dream outside lane run for Morgs at a dream location. The draw could not be more favourable for him.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    53

Corona Open Mexico, finals day analysis, “Deeply ironic winner Jack Robinson rejected Surfing Australia system; vindication for daddy Trevor who kept his boy away from the middle men!”

Bureaucracy does not produce champions. Money does not fix the problem. Money is the problem.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    212

Day three analysis, Corona Open Mexico, “Aussie pro surfing’s Darkest Day. A savage indictment on the Surfing Australia/HPC surfing industrial complex, tasked with translating Aussie taxpayer money into a pipeline of champions!”

And, honest question, is anyone in this event surfing as good as AI in 2006? Apart from Carissa in her division.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    116

Day two analysis, Corona Open Mexico: Kelly Slater says “world is still beautiful”; announces world title run in fiftieth year!

Beautiful! Brilliant. Why not?

By Longtom

  • Comments
    61

Day one analysis, Corona Open Mexico, “Am I the only one getting worried about Gabriel Medina? The dominant animal of the year is stumbling, being picked apart by demons and parasites, some of his own making!”

He crumbled at Surf Ranch, never seen it before. He crumbled at the Olympics. He looks off, flat. There's some static in the head throwing conflicting signals at the musculo-skeletal system.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    76
carissa-moore-olympics

No one cares about Olympic gold in golf, soccer or tennis; so what the hell does a surfing gold medal mean?

One vital question that hasn’t been dealt which needs to be sorted out pronto by us, is: what the fook does an Olympic Gold Medal in surfing mean?

By Longtom

  • Comments
    86

Surfing goes to the Olympics, finals day analysis: “Played as straight-up elite sport surfing came out smelling like roses, thanks to the superstar power of Italo, Moore, Medina!”

The no-names added a frisson of David v Goliath excitement, largely illusory, but that could mean more at Teahupoo in three years time.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    66

Surfing goes to the Olympics, day two analysis: “The muddy mess and incomprehensible scoring will not provide succour to ELO’s fevered dream of an Olympic-led surfing boom”

Not what the Duke had in mind when he envisioned the Sport of Kings as an Olympic sport.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    64

Surfing goes to the Tokyo Olympics, day one analysis: “Medina and Ferreira are both equally likely to transcend the sport. Medina’s Villain and Italo’s Joker are archetypes that can be understood by anyone”

"Could surfing in the Olympics produce a Shawn White or a Torah Bright, and who could that be?"

By Longtom

  • Comments
    60

Pro-shark film “Envoy: Shark Cull” aims for maximum emotional gut punch to prove risk of shark attack so low as to be essentially meaningless!

The major obstacle to the film's success, however, is reality itself.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    57

Provocative: World’s best surf journalist tells world’s greatest surfer, “You’d have to pay me $10,000 to surf your stinking tub Kelly!”

"Surf Ranch does not seem to 'spark joy' amongst the world's best. They look exhausted and depressed after a ride…"

By Longtom

  • Comments
    165

Surf Ranch Pro, finals day analysis: “Only the very last rides from Toledo and Medina had any sense of drama…We don’t need to see days of mind-numbing safety surfing from the rest of the Top 34!”

Toledo now in the box seat at number three. 

By Longtom

  • Comments
    105

Surf Ranch Pro Day Two Analysis: “Like a dog coming back to lick its own vomit the mess of the Surf Ranch has an irresistibly vile attraction to me”

Why cover pro surfing at all is a question any surf journalist has to grapple seriously with during Surf Ranch.

By Longtom

  • Comments
    68

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