Listen: “Ever wonder why the same shit Hollywood ‘surf movie’ gets rolled out over and over again? Blame Erik Logan!”

It's go time!

Ooooooooeee! Aunty Chas is on a heater today and yes it’s vodka fueled, thank you very much to the anonymous listener/reader who sent Kingsley Amis’s On Drink to me today for it has already changed my life, but also ooooooooeee! Not only is Stab virtue signaling in the most obscene way but the World Surf League fully showcased its vision and intentions yesterday, through its charlatan Erik “ELo” Logan” and surfing is in a dire, dire spot.

Oh not dire for us, not yet, but any Hardened Purist™ who claims, “Whatever, the culture doesn’t matter, I just go surf…” is missing the damned point.

Surfing has always been about more than surfing and this weird snowflake, Robust Horizon™ co-opting is egregious.

I”ll say, right now, that it is worse than the damage missionaries wrought in Hawaii when they forced locals to cover their nakedness and stop surfing.

A soft co-opting.

And fuck them. It’s time for a proper revolution. For surfers to stand up and say, “No. This is not what I am/do.” Because do you want to watch Chasing Mavericks for the rest of your life on loop?”

That’s what Erik Logan wants. He wants his made-for-studio Oklahoma born and raised Laird Hamilton worshiping version of what we love to take over the entire narrative of what we love.

FUCK THAT!

Fuck Laird Hamilton, fuck the World Surf League and super fuck Chasing Mavericks. It was awful when I saw it the first time (when the studio invited then Surfing magazine’s skeleton staff up to watch an exclusive screening) and it is even worse now.

Fuck the whitewashed version of the Pastime of Kings.

We don’t need to go along with this, we won’t, and it’s time for a proper rebellion.

Need more rant? Listen here! And also….

…This is our time. We can actually take down a co-opting billionaire and how often has that happened ever?


Opportunity: One-time “men’s interest” outlet Stab magazine seeking female editor with “quirky style” and “skill in front of camera” for a good time!

"You’d be required to have a firm grasp on surfing right now."

Kicking Stab these days feels bad, let me be quite honest with you. It feels rude, unnecessary and bully-ish seeing that li’l ol BeachGrit is truly and honestly double plus their size but son of a bitch. Son of a motherfucking bitch, Venice-adjacent’s second most embarrassing collaborationist surf media is making a hard play to be Venice-adjacent’s most embarrassing collaborationist surf media and it is impossible to ignore.

But let us head straight to the one-time men’s interest magazine’s newest job announcement, delivered by an increasingly wonderful-looking Ashton Goggans, in which the editor in chief is seeking a (female) senior editor (must watch volume loud then read comments).

https://www.instagram.com/p/B4Aeep2lNC9/

POSITION AVAILABLE: We are looking for a (female) Senior Editor to join our editorial team. Based out of Los Angeles, you’d be required to have a firm grasp on surfing right now, a quirky style and personality, some skill in front of the camera and the ability to recognize and report on a story. The first role will be six weeks on the North Shore of Oahu for the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing. Please send a 60 second piece to camera, a one page letter and your resume to [email protected] if this sounds like something you’re in to.

And, like Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch claiming to be sustainable, this is virtue signaling at its very best.

Snowflakes on parade and… will you apply?

I mean will you ask your girlfriend/wife/best female pal to apply?

I asked our Jen See if she was going to apply and she responded, “oh god i just watched the whole video.” Then, “i mean maybs if they’d ever run any female writer before?”

Jen See needs to learn a thing or two about virtue signaling.

More as the story develops!

Update: The story has developed and you seriously cannot script this. In an honest comment wondering about the legality of only seeking one sex for a position (illegal by the way) Stab responded, “Call the cops.”

I can’t take it anymore! Tears down my cheeks!


Watch: A magnificent high-performance longboard spread its extra fins and take flight!

Not for the faint of heart.

Let’s quickly go through all of the sorts of surfing in our modern day and age. We have: High performance shortboard, fish, single fin, traditional longboarding, high-performance longboarding, big wave gunning and mid-lengthing. Does that sum it up more or less? Am I forgetting any and don’t you dare raise your hand and say, “SUP, foil, foil SUP” for those are not surfing but rather abominations that Satan himself planted on this earth.

Now, I would very much like to rank these in order of best to worst but need your help with the top half of the draw. And before you raise your hand, again, and say, “Just surf the appropriate board for the day…” please put it down because we are all Hardened Purists™ here and can rank best to worst competently.

Which is best?

And where does high-performance longboarding go? Oh, maybe you haven’t witnessed its evolution. Let’s watch professional Taylor Jensen at Waco.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B4AENo6HEKN/

What about now? Mind changed? Blown?


Mavericks surfers ready for battle.
Mavericks surfers ready for battle.

From the equal-opportunity Desk: New guaranteed-to-run “contest” announced for Mavericks!

The wave our World Surf League loves to hate is back!

Mavericks pioneer Jeff Clark announced a new, guaranteed to run surf “contest” that will take place this winter at Mavericks. Every male and female surfer will have ample time, and there will even be room for you to paddle out, if you’re feeling particularly brazen. It will not be a World Surf League event, as Santa Monica loves to hate California’s most iconic big wave, and there will be a “significant cash prize purse” for winners.

How will this miracle happen? By moving it all to the virtual realm, of course, where sharks are pedophiles and Erik Logan’s “robust horizons” spread out as far as the mind can imagine and we must now read the press release for it is our sacred duty to fair and balance.

The Mavericks Surf Awards is a video performance contest where athletes and videographers submit their best surf videos of Mavericks throughout the season, and winners are selected for various categories. All surfers – men and women, seasoned professionals and up-and-comers – are eligible to enter.

A significant cash prize purse will be be divided across five categories: Male Performer of the Year; Female Performer of the Year; Biggest Wave; Best Wave; and Best Barrel. 90% of the prize money for each category will be awarded to the athlete and 10% to the videographer. The window to submit videos is November 1, 2019, through April 15, 2020, and will culminate in an Awards Ceremony in Half Moon Bay in May.

“Our mission is to celebrate Mavericks and support the men and women who have dedicated their lives to surfing this amazing spot,” said Jeff Clark. “When the WSL decided to cancel the contest at Mavericks, it was yet another sign that the times have changed, and we need to change, too. The logistics and politics of running a one-day surf event make it incredibly difficult. This is an opportunity to rewrite the script, keep the surfing pure, and stay out of the way of the athletes who want to go out there and free surf for the pure joy of it. Every swell, there are photographers out there documenting amazing moments that no one even sees. Now we have a way to capture those moments and recognize the best of the best every season.”

Ok, a few questions. I know the WSL cancelled the contest but didn’t they retain the rights? It doesn’t seem like The Mavericks Surf Awards has anything to do with Santa Monica whatsoever. Did Clark and partners find an end around by tacking the word “Awards” on instead of “Contest, Invitational or Pro?”

Should BeachGrit announce its “tour” next year starting with the Quiksilver Pro Awards before heading to the Bells Awards?

Clark says, “Every swell, there are photographers out there documenting amazing moments that no one even sees.” What do you think these photographers do out there with the documented moments no one ever sees? Do they gather on Pillar Point at day’s end and burn their memory cards? Send them all to Santa Monica where they are plastered into the Wall of Positive Noise? A great mystery.

Last, I usually know how I feel about things like this. I have a sense that it is either stupid or fun. This seems fun but I have a sneaking suspicion that it might also be stupid. Can you help me decide?

Thanks in advance.


Like a pretty winter-time Gold Coast point.

Bristol, England: First vision of surfers riding waves at yet-to-open Wavegarden Cove!

The world's loveliest two-footer, on demand!

Not sure how long this little piece of vision is going to last so get it while it’s relatively warm.

Here, a day before it officially lifts its skirt to the public, are two waves ridden, and one butchered, at the world’s first full-sized Wavegarden Cove, Bristol’s The Wave, and as shared on LinkedIn by Project Manger Monica Lumsden.

This is what I see: a lovely two-foot, blue-water wave of approximately forty metres length that allows two turns, three if you’re fast or very little before evaporating into deep water. There is no air end section, which may or may not matter given its location.

One presumes better surfers will explore its cavities with scrupulous concern, buttons tweaked etc, before any official vision is released. Nevertheless, this clip, amounts to a precise document of what the average surfer might expect.

Sessions cost forty pounds, the joint opens at eight and last surfers hit the water at three.

Book here.