I'll pack my bags, I guess.

Our new world champ is wonderful, bright, effervescent, magnetic, handsome, talented, fun, funny, has a beautiful better half, progressive, snappy, happy, glorious, grand but he said something today that made me very sad.

That put a tear in my eye.

I’m having trouble seeing right now, with that tear, so let’s just go to Reuters. Let’s allow the news organization to give you the details.

On Wednesday, freshly crowned surfing world champion Italo Ferreira sliced through steep, fast-barreling waves off Rio de Janeiro’s Leblon beach and popped several feet into the air.

On the shore, dozens of young fans cheered and shouted as the soft-spoken native of Brazil’s impoverished northeast carved effortlessly through the swell. Most had arrived – parents in tow – for a skimboarding clinic, a close cousin of surfing where riders focus on small waves close to shore.

For Ferreira, one of two surfers set to represent Brazil at the sport’s Olympic debut in Japan this summer, scenes like this help explain how the sport, after decades of trying, finally scored a spot at the Games.

“(The Olympics) is something gigantic for surfing, seeing as just a few years ago, surfing was seen as a sport for bums,” said Ferreira, after exiting the water, signing autographs and snapping photos with fans.

Surfing is no longer a sport for bums?

No?

Well…

First they came for the standard thrusters, and I did not speak out—
Because I did not ride a standard thruster.

Then they came for the men who wear below-the-knee boardshorts, and I did not speak out—
Because I did not wear below-the-knee boardshorts.

Then they came for the Hurley team riders, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Hurley team rider.

Then they came for the bums—and there was no one left to speak for me.

Weeping.

Weeping openly.

Let them eat cyberloaf!

Science is a tricky, tricky son-of-a-gun. One minute we think we have something all figured out. Think we know real hard facts, like going to work, flipping on the computer, heading to BeachGrit, chatting with best friends in the comments or – even better – watching a full eight hours of online surf contest while getting paid to do something else (read: work) is devious, at best. Lightly criminal, at second best.

The next minute we learn that BeachGritting, Wozzling, Instagramming Kelly Slater then getting involved in flat-earth debates just to get the GOAT’s goat is not only healthy but increases employee productivity.

Whoa!

But true?

Let’s waste time deciding for ourselves. Let’s dig straight in to the Chicago Sun Times and sort the pieces out together.

If you’re like most workers, you don’t spend 100% of your time at the office doing what you’re supposed to be doing.

In fact, on average, U.S. workers spend about 10% of their work day surfing the internet, emailing friends or shopping online. This so-called cyberloafing costs employers up to US$85 billion a year.

But it turns out, these behaviors may not be a sign a worker is lazy or just wasting time. New research I conducted with several colleagues suggests cyberloafing can help workers cope with an exceptionally stressful work environment.

Existing research on cyberloafing, a term first coined in 2002 by researchers from the National University of Singapore, typically assumes that this behavior is problematic and counterproductive.

Therefore, the majority of cyberloafing research focuses on ways to deter employees from engaging in this behavior through interventions such as internet monitoring and computer use policies.

However, more recent research has found that using the internet at work for personal purposes may also have some positive outcomes. For instance, social media use at work has been linked to higher levels of employee engagement and job satisfaction.

And other studies indicate that cyberloafing may provide a way for employees to manage workplace stress. For instance, empirical research suggest that employees surf the web as a response to boredom and unclear instructions.

But is cyberloafing actually effective at reducing employee stress levels?

Blah, blah, blah… study, study, study.

Overall, about 65% of participants reported spending at least some time at work cyberloafing, in mostly moderate amounts, with the most common form being the use of personal email.

While we did not directly assess how cyberloafing affects worker performance, we believe that by relieving stress this buffering effect may ultimately help employees be more productive. This fits with other recent research that suggests taking short breaks throughout the work day is indirectly associated with higher levels of daily job performance.

And there we have it.

Science, amiright?

Where’s your favorite place to cyberloaf?

Should BeachGrit bake and sell actual cyberloafs?

How would they be flavored?

Very exciting.

"I had a dream..."

And just imagine, for one second, that your wife or significant other had supernatural abilities. Could see into the future, as clear as anything, dreaming of a “dark, murky, rainy day. You sitting on your board. Your face then… a tug.”

Would you wink, mutter, “Onya” then paddle out at a break in New South Wales, Australia named “Sharkys” on a dark, murky and rainy day?

Men aren’t built as devil-may-care as Wil Schroeter anymore and let’s learn of his harrowing encounter then be inspired by his bravery then be jealous of his wife, who we would certainly pack up immediately and take to Las Vegas for a wild week-long bender of winnings not seen since Back to the Future II.

‘Just paddling – I’m going, when’s this thing going to bite me again?’ he said.

The bite went through to the bone of his foot and caused ligament damage.

Mr Schroeter’s wife Michelle said she had a dream he would be bitten by a shark two days earlier.

‘I remember it was clear as anything. Dark, murky, rainy day. I remember Wil sitting on his board. I didn’t see the shark, either. I just saw his face with the tug,’ she said.

The surf break is known as ‘Sharky’s’ and is a regular spot where of Mr Schroeter’s.

NSW Police said in a statement on Friday that no shark has been sighted in the area despite lifeguards patrolling on jet skis during the day.

Two hammerhead sharks were, however, seen in the area two weeks ago.

Hammerheads?

Hold one just one moment. We’ve been fixated on Great Whites, Tigers, Bulls and Flying Needlefish but Hammerheads?

Oh boy.

Oh literal boy.

No more surfing anywhere until this new threat can be assessed.

Also, Ms. Schroeter, if you are available for a Vegas run it will be all-expense paid.

More as the story develops.

But quickly, Niners or Chiefs?

"Worst nightmare material right here."

Now, we’ve dealt with sharks, Great White, Tiger and Bull, here much. They are post-apocalyptic apex-predators. Man-eaters. Foot fetishists and very scary. Eating through us male surfers, us masculine wave dancers, one at a time. Oh, our fixation is as justified as it is warranted but…

…there are other terrors lurking in the deep.

Horrors that the surfing mind shies away from but if we are to be safe we must have eyes in the backs of our skulls for it is there a new menace is attacking.

The flying needlefish.

And let us travel across the warm seas to wave-rich paradise Indonesia for the very latest.

An Indonesian boy has required lifesaving surgery after being impaled in the neck by a flying needlefish.

Muhammad Idul was fishing with his parents in Buton waters off the South East Sulawesi province on Saturday when a needlefish jumped out of the water.

The fish’s long slender snout sliced straight through the 16-year-old’s neck and pierced the back of his skull.

The student was rushed to hospital for treatment, before undergoing risky surgery to remove the fish from his neck two days later.

Television show IFish described the graphic photos as ‘worst nightmare material right here,’ when they were shared on its Facebook page.

‘Amazing he survived,’ one person commented on the Facebook post.

Another added: ‘What a pain in the neck!’

Needlefish are distinguished by their long, slender jaw which bears multiple sharp teeth capable of inflicting deep wounds.

They are also adept jumpers renowned for leaping out of the water at up to 60 km/h.

Now, do you think the “pain in the neck” comment was completely necessary?

Are you the first to clap when a waitress or waiter drops a heavy load whilst clearing tables?

Rude.

Also, no more surfing in Indonesia. Cancel boat trips etc. until it is learned whether these flying needlefish are terrorists or not.

More as the story develops.