Urbnsurf, not today.

Extreme weather: Australia’s climate change apocalypse forces Melbourne wave pool to close!

"Australia today is ground zero for the climate catastrophe."

Hell of a summer for Australia’s east coast.

An apocalypse of fire and brimstone and skies so red with smoke and debris The New York Times headlined an opinion piece, “Australia is committing climate suicide: As record fires rage, the country’s leaders seem intent on sending it to its doom.

Opening line: “Australia today is ground zero for the climate catastrophe.”

But what seemed a little hyperbolic now appears prophetic with today’s closure of the country’s first commercial wave pool, Urbnsurf, near Melbourne’s Tullamarine airport, after its gorgeous azure waters were turned brown by extreme weather.

“First it was the hazardous smoke haze, then golf ball-sized hail and flooding rain. Now Melburnians are scratching their heads at dirty orange swimming pools and sludge-coated cars, clothes and outdoor furniture,” reports The Age

Dust from storms in the country town of Mallee, five hundred k’s north, had drifted south and, last night, mixed with rain over Melbourne and fell as mud.

From Urbnsurf:

Due to a severe rain and dust storm that hit Melbourne late last night, @urbnsurf will unfortunately be closed today, 23 January 2020. Our guests’ health and safety is paramount, so our dedicated facilities crew have been working around the clock to return our lagoon to its crystal-blue norm.

If you’ve booked a sesh, you’ll get a pool credit and three years to redeem it.

Is the end truly nigh?

When even man-made waves are forced to bow before the might of the climate change juggernaut?

Are we staring into the pit of death?


Supernatural: Wife of Australian shark attack survivor dreams of “dark, murky, rainy bite to the bone” two days before it occurs!

"I had a dream..."

And just imagine, for one second, that your wife or significant other had supernatural abilities. Could see into the future, as clear as anything, dreaming of a “dark, murky, rainy day. You sitting on your board. Your face then… a tug.”

Would you wink, mutter, “Onya” then paddle out at a break in New South Wales, Australia named “Sharkys” on a dark, murky and rainy day?

Men aren’t built as devil-may-care as Wil Schroeter anymore and let’s learn of his harrowing encounter then be inspired by his bravery then be jealous of his wife, who we would certainly pack up immediately and take to Las Vegas for a wild week-long bender of winnings not seen since Back to the Future II.

‘Just paddling – I’m going, when’s this thing going to bite me again?’ he said.

The bite went through to the bone of his foot and caused ligament damage.

Mr Schroeter’s wife Michelle said she had a dream he would be bitten by a shark two days earlier.

‘I remember it was clear as anything. Dark, murky, rainy day. I remember Wil sitting on his board. I didn’t see the shark, either. I just saw his face with the tug,’ she said.

The surf break is known as ‘Sharky’s’ and is a regular spot where of Mr Schroeter’s.

NSW Police said in a statement on Friday that no shark has been sighted in the area despite lifeguards patrolling on jet skis during the day.

Two hammerhead sharks were, however, seen in the area two weeks ago.


Hold one just one moment. We’ve been fixated on Great Whites, Tigers, Bulls and Flying Needlefish but Hammerheads?

Oh boy.

Oh literal boy.

No more surfing anywhere until this new threat can be assessed.

Also, Ms. Schroeter, if you are available for a Vegas run it will be all-expense paid.

More as the story develops.

But quickly, Niners or Chiefs?

Fanaticism: Brave Indonesian teenager survives unprovoked stabbing through back of skull by “suicidal” flying needlefish while in the surf!

"Worst nightmare material right here."

Now, we’ve dealt with sharks, Great White, Tiger and Bull, here much. They are post-apocalyptic apex-predators. Man-eaters. Foot fetishists and very scary. Eating through us male surfers, us masculine wave dancers, one at a time. Oh, our fixation is as justified as it is warranted but…

…there are other terrors lurking in the deep.

Horrors that the surfing mind shies away from but if we are to be safe we must have eyes in the backs of our skulls for it is there a new menace is attacking.

The flying needlefish.

And let us travel across the warm seas to wave-rich paradise Indonesia for the very latest.

An Indonesian boy has required lifesaving surgery after being impaled in the neck by a flying needlefish.

Muhammad Idul was fishing with his parents in Buton waters off the South East Sulawesi province on Saturday when a needlefish jumped out of the water.

The fish’s long slender snout sliced straight through the 16-year-old’s neck and pierced the back of his skull.

The student was rushed to hospital for treatment, before undergoing risky surgery to remove the fish from his neck two days later.

Television show IFish described the graphic photos as ‘worst nightmare material right here,’ when they were shared on its Facebook page.

‘Amazing he survived,’ one person commented on the Facebook post.

Another added: ‘What a pain in the neck!’

Needlefish are distinguished by their long, slender jaw which bears multiple sharp teeth capable of inflicting deep wounds.

They are also adept jumpers renowned for leaping out of the water at up to 60 km/h.

Now, do you think the “pain in the neck” comment was completely necessary?

Are you the first to clap when a waitress or waiter drops a heavy load whilst clearing tables?


Also, no more surfing in Indonesia. Cancel boat trips etc. until it is learned whether these flying needlefish are terrorists or not.

More as the story develops.

Boom Town: World Surf League sees “mind-boggling” 7400% increase on Instagram all thanks to “extremely efficient” three person social media team!

I surf the likes!

But how “good” are you at your job? Like, do you care, at all, about your performance or are you there just punching the clock? Have you ever experienced “stratospheric growth” as part of your efforts or are you just another cog?

Well, even if you are a singular employee, one who wins both monthly and yearly performance awards, you do not hold a candle to our World Surf League’s three person social media team that has spiked a “mind-boggling” 7400% increase on Instagram.



And let us go straight to Engage by Hashtag Sports for a peek behind that booming Wall of Positive Noise. A chat with the “Chief Community Officer Tim Greenberg who is “primarily responsible for overseeing numerous innovation projects while also managing content, original programming and strategy for the League’s social and digital channels.” Let us be inspired but also keep one eye out, knowing that when some people do their jobs very well it makes us all look bad.

During your tenure, World Surf League has seen 1,500% social fan growth across all platforms and a mind-boggling 7,400% increase on Instagram. To what do you attribute this audience growth, and more specifically, what’s been your approach to using technology to manage content, interact with your fan community, and expand your brand around the globe?

Firstly, our team is incredible—it’s not one person, it’s a total collaboration. When I came onboard to oversee and manage our social channels in 2013, and still now, the strategy has been fairly simple: great content programmed consistently over time yield results. Anything that we put out on our social channels, anything we distribute through our broadcast, we really want to make sure that we believe in it, and it is something that, regardless of scale and output, we want our fans want to see.

As a small team—we have three people on our social team who oversee and create daily content—we need to be extremely efficient. Leveraging technology to manage our content output is imperative because otherwise we would not be able to achieve the scale that we’ve been able to deliver, which is roughly 12 to 15 pieces per day on Facebook, an additional 5 to 6 on Instagram, and we’re now programming new platforms like TikTok. From a fan interaction perspective, social is also a great place for us to build community, in addition to achieving scale and reach, we’re using social as a tool to drive engagement.

We also strive to bring the beach to our fans no matter where they live. When we’re creating content that might seem mundane or ‘normal’ to us — like waxing a board— we ask ourselves: could this be interesting to somebody who doesn’t necessarily surf or have access to the ocean on a consistent basis? That perspective is something we try to keep in mind constantly.

Now, a few questions.

First, is Chief Community Officer a real position?

Second, should our World Surf League fire every single person except the social media three?

Third, what is the 1989 World Champion Martin “Pottz” Potter doing on his vacation?

Fourth, do you deserve to become fired from your job?

More as the story develops.

Apocalypse Now: “Walking sharks” just discovered in Australian waters create mass hysteria and a “siege-like” mentality in normally placid suburbs!

They're here.

I’ve been warning you. Been warning you and warning you and warning you that sharks are evolving at a disturbing rate. Learning. Growing. Adapting. Changing. Watching us from the deep while eating our feet. Wondering how those feet work. Thinking about growing some of their own. And now they are officially two arms, and two opposable thumbs, away from world domination.

But it is true.

Sharks have learned to walk.

Oh, I know it sounds like science-fiction. Like horrific science-fiction but the “man-eaters” cannot be taken lightly and, thankfully, inland Australians, normally content souping up Forza Horizon 3s and drinking Carlton beer are panicking wildly, mass purchasing generators, bottled water, bottled beer, pre-burnt steaks, plywooding themselves into single family homes.

Don’t believe? Well let us turn to Gizmodo for more.

Sharks have been around for a long time, emerging over 400 million years ago. New research shows that tropical ‘walking sharks’ appeared just 9 million years ago, making them the most recently evolved shark on the planet.

New research published in Marine and Freshwater Research describes nine species of walking shark, all of whom live in the waters off northern Australia, eastern Indonesia, and near the island of New Guinea. Walking sharks have been documented before, but the new research—a collaboration between the University of Queensland, Conservation International, and several other institutions—describes them an evolutionary context, including how they came to be a distinct genus.

A good thing, so far, that these walking sharks are only in northern Australia. Just imagine when the southern ones start walking too. I image they’ll head straight for Melbourne’s first ever functioning wave pool.

I imagine they’ll bring hell with them.