But wait...

They say that a shark cum surf journalist has much fortitude and knowledge except for in his own home and how true that appears to be, for an unprecedented tag team of shark and stingray took down a teenage surfer, or bodyboarder, minutes away from my own home when I was in the water and I missed it.

Missed it entirely.

Oh, certainly the rumors circulated to me within hours. “Shark attack at Moonlight Beach…” though was quickly downgraded to “Never mind… stingray.”

Stingray hits are a dime a dozen here.

Painful but cheap.

This morning, however, I read that first there was a shark attack, later downgraded to aggressive bump followed by a punctured foot due stingray, which caused me intense shame, and let’s go all the way to Boston to learn more.

A 16-year-old boy was punctured by a stingray and aggressively bumped by a shark Wednesday, days after beaches reopened along California’s coast.

The teen was on a bodyboard or surfboard around 5:30 p.m. off Moonlight Beach when he encountered the shark, The San Diego Union-Tribune reported.

The victim first told lifeguards he was bitten by a shark; however, on the way to the hospital officials determined he was “aggressively bumped” by it, the Union-Tribune reported.

The boy’s mother told KSWB the shark tore his wetsuit and a sting ray punctured his ankle.

The beach was immediately closed and shark advisory signs were posted along the beach, KNSD reported.

Per Twitter:

Teenage surfer encounters a shark & stingray at #MoonlightBeach. Lifeguards say he kicked at a shark. A woman identifying as his mother says shark did not bite him but a stingray punctured him. The teen was rushed to the hospital w minor injuries. Stay w #FOX5SanDiego @ 10/11PM

And wait just a dang second. I AM a shark cum surf journalist and my shame is vanishing as my solid reputation re-grows. Absolutely no way this happened. The bite to bump is suspicious as is going to the hospital for a stingray jab, normally treated right there in the lifeguard tower by placing foot in bucket of warm water.

I shall postulate that the teenager was bumped by his bodyboard then stung then discombobulated as he has been locked out of the ocean water for months and forgot what it all feels like, the swirling and pulling and pushing and whatnot.

The heavy toll of Coronavirus closures.

But I promise to stay on the trail for you. To uncover other such truths and bring complete light to SharkStingray-Gate.

More as the story develops.

"Carry on being careful."

Who would have ever believed, when the clock struck noon Pacific Standard Time, that typically conservative, well-to-do Orange County, California would be the very heart of rebellion? Oh not me and not in a thousand years but there I was, driving home from Orange County, California when the clock struck noon bringing Governor “Gestapo Gavin” Newsom to the airwaves.

We had all learned, last night, that he was planning on closing all of California’s beaches, from Crescent City to the Tijuana Sloughs, and I was already burning.

Boiling with rage.

His smarmy voice, slightly ragged as is the fashion these days amongst political leaders showcasing their “strength, wisdom and compassion” filled my truck’s interior. He began by complimenting Californians on coming together to “flatten the curve” adding nothings about “standing together” and “being on the same team” as he went.

My knuckles turning white, gripping the steering wheel, anticipating his pivot to the beach closure and his nanny state nonsense.

“The beaches…”

And here it was.

“Orange County has been on our list of health concern and they’ve done a wonderful job down there, I just think we can tighten that up a little bit. So we’re going to have a temporary pause down there.”

Down there?

Down where?

He continued rambling, passive aggression etc. The “raised alarm bells” from people outside in the sun, appearing not to obey “physical distancing guidelines” from the smashed perspective of a telephoto camera lens. Semi-praising San Diego and Los Angeles counties while digging the heel of his jackboot into Orange County.

And what the hell?

I almost couldn’t believe my ears.

He was leaving the rest of the state to “carry on, being careful” etc. while putting the entirety of Orange County under lock and key.

Does he have a vendetta against California’s crown jewel?

Some major beef?

That has to be outside of his purview, no? Like, he can close state beaches but not city beaches, yes?

“My job as governor is to keep you safe, and when our health folks tell me they can’t promise that if we promote another weekend like we had then I have to make this adjustment…” he continued to roll.

But my mind was running hot, wondering if Orange County’s proud residents will rise up as one, this weekend, in defiance.

More as the story develops.

"It was pretty shocking and just shows that we share the ocean with many wonderful creatures."

Oh my goodness and oh my gracious I woke up angry this morning. Steamed. Filled to the brim with a malicious rage. A bubbling, boiling rage. A grey pall has settled on California beaches where Governor “Gestapo Gavin” Newsom has just announced that every one of the state’s beaches will be closed, put under the jackboot, in less than 24 hours. Sure, hospitals are at half capacity, the death toll is low and shrinking, the public agitated but Gestapo Gavin has tasted the power, the righteousness, and has made his decree.

I’m angry enough to bake a vanilla cake in his likeness, a touch of caramel to color the vanilla skin frosting, dewy green Skittles for eyes, movie star hair made from cinnamon frosted mini-wheats and take a big bite out of the head.

Two big bites even.

I suppose I can’t take complete credit for the idea as I was inspired by an Australian shark that took out its rage on a playful dolphin near Australia’s New Brighton beach. Shall we learn more from the local Northern Star?

Jonathan Miller’s beach walk came to a grisly halt when he stumbled upon the 2m dolphin with about six bites “at least 30cm long”.

He made the discovery just before 6am on Tuesday when he saw a young woman looking quite distressed trying to care for the dolphin which had washed up on the unpatrolled beach.

“It was clearly already dead,” Mr Miller said.

“I’m convinced it was a shark or many sharks, and surfers need to beware.

“Most of the surfers are well aware of the risks and happy to take them. It was pretty shocking and just shows that we share the ocean with many wonderful creatures.”

Besides the very sad thought of a distressed young woman attempting to caress the dolphin (pictured above) back to life, would you like to know the phrase in the story that brings a tear to my eye?

Many tears even, now rolling down my cheeks but hot and rage-filled tears?

“Unpatrolled beach.”

And… I’m sorry. I can’t continue.

More as the story develops.