Teenage surfer “aggressively bumped” by shark, has foot punctured by stingray in unprecedented So. California tag team!

But wait...

They say that a shark cum surf journalist has much fortitude and knowledge except for in his own home and how true that appears to be, for an unprecedented tag team of shark and stingray took down a teenage surfer, or bodyboarder, minutes away from my own home when I was in the water and I missed it.

Missed it entirely.

Oh, certainly the rumors circulated to me within hours. “Shark attack at Moonlight Beach…” though was quickly downgraded to “Never mind… stingray.”

Stingray hits are a dime a dozen here.

Painful but cheap.

This morning, however, I read that first there was a shark attack, later downgraded to aggressive bump followed by a punctured foot due stingray, which caused me intense shame, and let’s go all the way to Boston to learn more.

A 16-year-old boy was punctured by a stingray and aggressively bumped by a shark Wednesday, days after beaches reopened along California’s coast.

The teen was on a bodyboard or surfboard around 5:30 p.m. off Moonlight Beach when he encountered the shark, The San Diego Union-Tribune reported.

The victim first told lifeguards he was bitten by a shark; however, on the way to the hospital officials determined he was “aggressively bumped” by it, the Union-Tribune reported.

The boy’s mother told KSWB the shark tore his wetsuit and a sting ray punctured his ankle.

The beach was immediately closed and shark advisory signs were posted along the beach, KNSD reported.

Per Twitter:

Teenage surfer encounters a shark & stingray at #MoonlightBeach. Lifeguards say he kicked at a shark. A woman identifying as his mother says shark did not bite him but a stingray punctured him. The teen was rushed to the hospital w minor injuries. Stay w #FOX5SanDiego @ 10/11PM

And wait just a dang second. I AM a shark cum surf journalist and my shame is vanishing as my solid reputation re-grows. Absolutely no way this happened. The bite to bump is suspicious as is going to the hospital for a stingray jab, normally treated right there in the lifeguard tower by placing foot in bucket of warm water.

I shall postulate that the teenager was bumped by his bodyboard then stung then discombobulated as he has been locked out of the ocean water for months and forgot what it all feels like, the swirling and pulling and pushing and whatnot.

The heavy toll of Coronavirus closures.

But I promise to stay on the trail for you. To uncover other such truths and bring complete light to SharkStingray-Gate.

More as the story develops.

If I say its safe to surf this beach, Captain, then its safe to surf this beach! I mean, I'm not afraid to surf this place, I'll surf this whole fucking place! | Photo: @apocalypsenow

Rebel Northern Californian sheriffs refuse to enforce Gov Newsom’s “unconstitutional” beach shutdowns: “We know what it’s like to be forgotten, overlooked and marginalized when it comes to decisions made by our state government!”

"Beaches and outdoor recreation are essential aspects of our daily lives here and critical to our mental/physical well being."

There has to come a point in this whole thing when that part of the population that hasn’t been terrified into a state of hysteria starts to think, if everyone that’s dying is over seventy, fat, diabetic, why am I cowering indoors.

When Californian Governor “commie bastard” Gav Newsom announced last night that he was going to re-shutter all of the state’s beaches after bad bad HB and Newport sun-lovers were photographed frolicking on its shores, not all the state’s counties stepped into line.

Humboldt County Sheriff William Honsal responded by telling his constituents that “I am the protector of constitutional rights in Humboldt County,” he said, “and if an order is issued that I believe violates our constitutional rights, I will not enforce it…It is not okay to punish Northern California for Southern California’s mistake, and I hope he hears that loud and clear.”

Del Norte County’s sheriff Erik Apperson, meanwhile, posted a thrilling screed on Facebook.

Residents of Del Norte County,

After the well-publicized media coverage of over crowded southern California beaches this past weekend, in violation of Governor Newsom’s Shelter in Place Order, the Governor has made clear his intention to shut down all California beaches and state parks, effective May 1st.

This one size fits all response does not serve the people of Del Norte County. My job as Sheriff is to do just that. With a population of less than 30,000 people in the entire county, Del Norte accounts for about 1,200 square miles of land and nearly 40 miles of coastline.

Now, I understand what state we are in and often we must be aligned in our response to large scale challenges. That said, I will not participate in limiting the movement and freedoms of Del Norte County residents as a reaction to behavior by those well outside of Del Norte County. We are already sacrificing more than our share and frankly we are exemplary in our efforts as a community.

Beaches and outdoor recreation are essential aspects of our daily lives here and critical to our mental/physical well being.

Let me also be clear that this is not an invitation for people that have such limitations being imposed on them to come visit Del Norte County. We are committed to the safety and well being of our families and I am not interested in people visiting here that do not share that priority. If your decision to take a tour of Del Norte County results in our local residents being less safe then you are not welcome here, COVID-19 or not.

As for us, we are for the most part practicing social distancing. Many of our businesses are taking a tremendous hit financially for the greater good. We are listening to our outstanding Public Health Officer and we deeply value his guidance. The vast majority of us are wearing masks and large numbers of us are working from home. Some of us aren’t able to work at all. We are leveraging our local economy for the sake of a healthy community. So far, health-wise, we have not been greatly impacted by COVID-19. We hope that continues but we are also constantly preparing for a worst case scenario. Our local leaders are talking and we may not always agree with one another but we are all putting Del Norte first. We are taking steps to move forward while preserving what we cherish.

We know what it’s like to be forgotten, overlooked and marginalized when it comes to decisions made by our state government. The byproduct has resulted in conditioning to be resilient and somewhat independent over our nearly two centuries of existence as a county. We are located on the extreme northwest tip of California. Make no mistake, we are in California, but we are also in Del Norte County.

I will remain vigilant and focused on the Constitutional freedoms, behavior and well being of people within Del Norte County, while continuing to support California the best I can. As Sheriff, I will not punish the good people of Del Norte for the actions of those outside of my county.

To my fellow residents; please continue to be an example to the rest of the state. Let’s work together while sharing a common goal of what’s best for our residents.

I am Del Norte proud and honored to be your Sheriff.


Sheriff Apperson

And so the people rise.

(Screen grab from video)
(Screen grab from video)

California Governor “Gestapo Gavin” Newsom singles out Orange County as “seat of all evil, unrepentant Coronavirus super spreaders” and shutters its beaches!

"Carry on being careful."

Who would have ever believed, when the clock struck noon Pacific Standard Time, that typically conservative, well-to-do Orange County, California would be the very heart of rebellion? Oh not me and not in a thousand years but there I was, driving home from Orange County, California when the clock struck noon bringing Governor “Gestapo Gavin” Newsom to the airwaves.

We had all learned, last night, that he was planning on closing all of California’s beaches, from Crescent City to the Tijuana Sloughs, and I was already burning.

Boiling with rage.

His smarmy voice, slightly ragged as is the fashion these days amongst political leaders showcasing their “strength, wisdom and compassion” filled my truck’s interior. He began by complimenting Californians on coming together to “flatten the curve” adding nothings about “standing together” and “being on the same team” as he went.

My knuckles turning white, gripping the steering wheel, anticipating his pivot to the beach closure and his nanny state nonsense.

“The beaches…”

And here it was.

“Orange County has been on our list of health concern and they’ve done a wonderful job down there, I just think we can tighten that up a little bit. So we’re going to have a temporary pause down there.”

Down there?

Down where?

He continued rambling, passive aggression etc. The “raised alarm bells” from people outside in the sun, appearing not to obey “physical distancing guidelines” from the smashed perspective of a telephoto camera lens. Semi-praising San Diego and Los Angeles counties while digging the heel of his jackboot into Orange County.

And what the hell?

I almost couldn’t believe my ears.

He was leaving the rest of the state to “carry on, being careful” etc. while putting the entirety of Orange County under lock and key.

Does he have a vendetta against California’s crown jewel?

Some major beef?

That has to be outside of his purview, no? Like, he can close state beaches but not city beaches, yes?

“My job as governor is to keep you safe, and when our health folks tell me they can’t promise that if we promote another weekend like we had then I have to make this adjustment…” he continued to roll.

But my mind was running hot, wondering if Orange County’s proud residents will rise up as one, this weekend, in defiance.

More as the story develops.

Photo courtesy of The Northern Star.
Photo courtesy of The Northern Star.

Gruesome: Playful dolphin brutally snacked upon by rage-filled shark washes up on Australian beach, “distressed” young woman attempts to caress it back to life!

"It was pretty shocking and just shows that we share the ocean with many wonderful creatures."

Oh my goodness and oh my gracious I woke up angry this morning. Steamed. Filled to the brim with a malicious rage. A bubbling, boiling rage. A grey pall has settled on California beaches where Governor “Gestapo Gavin” Newsom has just announced that every one of the state’s beaches will be closed, put under the jackboot, in less than 24 hours. Sure, hospitals are at half capacity, the death toll is low and shrinking, the public agitated but Gestapo Gavin has tasted the power, the righteousness, and has made his decree.

I’m angry enough to bake a vanilla cake in his likeness, a touch of caramel to color the vanilla skin frosting, dewy green Skittles for eyes, movie star hair made from cinnamon frosted mini-wheats and take a big bite out of the head.

Two big bites even.

I suppose I can’t take complete credit for the idea as I was inspired by an Australian shark that took out its rage on a playful dolphin near Australia’s New Brighton beach. Shall we learn more from the local Northern Star?

Jonathan Miller’s beach walk came to a grisly halt when he stumbled upon the 2m dolphin with about six bites “at least 30cm long”.

He made the discovery just before 6am on Tuesday when he saw a young woman looking quite distressed trying to care for the dolphin which had washed up on the unpatrolled beach.

“It was clearly already dead,” Mr Miller said.

“I’m convinced it was a shark or many sharks, and surfers need to beware.

“Most of the surfers are well aware of the risks and happy to take them. It was pretty shocking and just shows that we share the ocean with many wonderful creatures.”

Besides the very sad thought of a distressed young woman attempting to caress the dolphin (pictured above) back to life, would you like to know the phrase in the story that brings a tear to my eye?

Many tears even, now rolling down my cheeks but hot and rage-filled tears?

“Unpatrolled beach.”

And… I’m sorry. I can’t continue.

More as the story develops.

"Those surfers were a threat to our way of life and we stopped 'em didn't we." "We sure did. We sure did." | Photo: @revengeofthenerds

California über alles: Gov Newsom to close every damn beach in California after Orange County surfers flout COVID rules: “This virus doesn’t go home because it’s a beautiful sunny day around our coasts!

Those surfers were a threat to our way of life.

How about that for a switcharoo?

After a brief and beautiful moment where surfing was decriminalised in the golden state, Gov Newsom’s jackboot will descend, again, this Friday with all Californian beaches and state parks shuttered.

From our pals at the NY Post, who got it from Fox II,

After well-publicized media coverage of overcrowded beaches this past weekend, in violation of Governor Newson’s shelter in place order, the governor will be announcing tomorrow that beaches and all state parks in California will be closed, effective Friday, May 1,” said the notification, which was sent out to all California police chiefs on Wednesday.

Newsom on Monday blasted the beachgoers, singling out those who flocked to Huntington Beach and Newport Beach in Orange County.

“This virus doesn’t take the weekends off, this virus doesn’t go home because it’s a beautiful sunny day around our coasts,” the governor said.

Just as a few Instagram photos got Bondi and surrounds closed for two weeks, same deal in California.

Photos swirled online last weekend of the coastal crowds who appeared to be flouting the social distancing rules as temperatures soared into the 80s on Friday.

One image shows a group of at least five young women within six feet of each other on Huntington Beach. Others show sunbathers sitting so close their towels touch.

How you feeling about it?

You think Gov Newsom has lost his mind and that if you ain’t sixty-plus, fat, diabetic and crammed into an apartment building on the lower east side, well, maybe, a little time in the sun might do some good?

Or no?