Happy motherfucking fourth of July. | Photo: @mallcop

LA County Sheriff refuses to enforce July 4 beach closures: “We are Care First, Jail Last!”

“We were not consulted on the beach closure, and will only assist our beach cities in closing parking lots and traffic enforcement on PCH," says man with badge.

On Monday, The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health ordered LA County beaches closed for the July 4 holiday weekend after a spike in COVID-19 cases.

County officials promised thousand-dollar fines for anyone who hit the beach or hovered near “piers, public beach parking lots, beach bike paths that traverse that sanded portion of the beach, and beach access points.”

“The Fourth of July holiday weekend typically means large crowds and gatherings to celebrate, a recipe for increased transmission of COVID-19,” said Barbara Ferrer, PhD, MPH, MEd, Director of Public Health. “We all need to take this virus more seriously and residents and business owners must do their part.”

Question is, who’s gonna be writing the tickets?

LA County Sheriff Alex Villanueva told FoxLA (Yeah, I know, Fox) he and his deputies ain’t gonna arrest or fine anyone.

“We were not consulted on the beach closure, and will only assist our beach cities in closing parking lots and traffic enforcement on PCH. In regards to enforcing the beach closure, we will not be enforcing it because we are ‘Care First, Jail Last.'”

Care First, Jail Last is an LA County initiative that seeks to provide care and treatment instead of jail, where possible.

Note: If you’re kicking around Malibu, you’re outta luck.

“The Malibu/Lost Hills Station Beach Team will be patrolling the beaches throughout the weekend and late into the evening. This new order makes it illegal to trespass at these locations and is punishable by law to include, but not limited to, a $1000 fine.”

Rocket from Russia? (Rockaway Times)
Rocket from Russia? (Rockaway Times)

Watch: “Deranged” shark attempts to crawl ashore at New York’s Rockaway Beach, terrifying onlookers two days before re-opening in “Ramones-esque Nightmare!”

"It was endless."

Whether Cape Cod, California or Cocoa Beach, it appears as if nature’s apex-predator, the man-eating shark, has enjoyed the lack of men in her ocean and means to keep it that way.

As you know, whole stretches of coast have been shuttered during these Coronavirus Pandemic months. Surfers and sunbathers forced to mumble and groan and/or eat their Asian-Fusion cuisine within pebble tossing of the sand.

But the clouds have parted-ish, openings maybe imminent (save California) right in time for the United States of America’s birthday too.


Sharks are decidedly not. They are currently amassing off Cape Cod in never-before-seen numbers waiting to chew on the pale bodies of the recently freed.

And in New York’s Rock Rock Rockaway Beach?

A “deranged” shark attempted to crawl ashore just two days ahead of its official opening.

Local Regina Cantoni saw the whole business go down and said, “The whole beach came to the shore … and started screaming, ‘Shark!’ It was endless. Everyone wanted to get a shot of the shark.”

And if we know anything, it is the only thing more viral than Coronavirus is social media and imagine the fear, the terror, spreading through New York this very minute with those endless shots of shark.

The prehistoric beasts have upped their PR strategy during quarantine and/or have been collaborating with the Russians.

Will somebody lose their leg this weekend?

More as the story develops.

WSL CEO and L.A. County resident Erik Logan (pictured) straddling undersized canoe, sad. Photo: Instagram via @shotswithcraig

Cancel Culture: Los Angeles County to re-close beaches ahead of 4th of July weekend due to Covid 2nd wave with “sizzler” heat wave on tap!

RIP summer.

Oh man, oh boy… I mean oh woman, oh girl… damn it, I mean oh gender neutral person of a more advanced age, oh gender neutral person of a less advanced age, we sure are in a pickle here in the United States of America.

Our birthday is coming up and this Covid-19 business was supposed to be in our rearview mirror. We were supposed to be going to bars and restaurants, movie theaters and beaches, celebrating the defeat of taxation without representation but here we are right in the middle of a pickle.

It appears the second wave of the Coronavirus is much more insidious than the first wave and now we are in some twilight zone of anger, worry, pointed fingers, recriminations, etc.

A bright spot, I suppose, is that I’ve gotten used to wearing my mask, spreading fear like Bane in Batman.

Pretty cool.

An ugly blot is that beaches are being re-closed, namely in Los Angeles County and right before a heat wave is going to hit the region.

Per Barbara Ferrer, the county’s director of public health, “Closing the beaches and prohibiting fireworks displays during this important summer holiday weekend was an incredibly difficult decision to make, but it’s the responsible decision to protect public health and protect our residents from a deadly virus. The Fourth of July holiday weekend typically means large crowds and gatherings to celebrate, a recipe for increased transmission of COVID-19.”

As you well know, the World Surf League CEO Erik Logan lives squarely in the middle of Los Angeles County, on the beach and likes to paddle around on an undersized canoe. He will be very sad.

Do you think he will pack up his paddle and undersized canoe and drive south to Orange County? It would be rude of him so to do. But, honestly, isn’t Huntington Beach going to take the brunt of roving ELos and Inland Empirates?

I’d imagine so and I’ll imagine that pictures of packed Huntington Beaches will garner such tongue wagging that San Diego County beaches will quickly re-close too.

Huntington will, of course, stay open.

But what are you going to do this weekend?

Go to Sizzler?

When was the last time you went to Sizzler? When I was a younger boy it represented the very height of luxury and reserved for only the finest, fanciest occasions.

RIP salad bars.

Greatness Code: Kelly Slater to reveal “full-on breakdown” in new Apple TV series, also starring Tom Brady and Lebron James: “I started crying and then I had to go out and compete…”

What one event tore apart the eleven-time world champ?

Y’think Apple has a chance at swinging viewers away from Netflix?

Yeah, me neither. 

It’s to Apple what Spotify was to iTunes. 

Still when you’ve got cash spilling out of the cupboards, you can afford to take a few chances.

And Apple are spearing a hunk of their 117 billion in cash reserves to create a TV and movie streaming platform, and if you buy a new Apple phone or computer y’gonna get a year of it for free. 

I got it and it ain’t pretty. 

Doomed, I would suggest. 


A new seven-part docuseries called Greatness Code that covers “defining moments” in the careers of various sporting titans, Lebron James, Tom Brady, Usain Bolt, as well as eleven-time surfing champ Kelly, looks like it might have a few laughs.

Kelly promises to reveal the event that led to a  “full-on breakdown”.

“You think about this whole lifetime building to this one moment,” says Kelly.

What do you think the one moment is?

(Losing the title to Andy at Pipe in 2003?)

And why do you think he hasn’t spoken about it sooner?

NFL god Tom Brady, a co-producer of the series via his company Religion of Sports, says he’s “not sure” how he ended up alongside “the gnarliest gnar shredder @kellyslater…but I’ll take it.”

Episode one airs July 10.

Where Kelly falls in the seven-episode series is yet to be revealed.

Not masked, not scared.
Not masked, not scared.

Summer of Blood: Hundreds of Great White sharks amassing off Cape Cod ahead of 4th of July prompting dire warnings from officials!

“Even with COVID, they are still out there. ... We know they are coming close to shore...”

The 4th of July is usually a fine celebration of American values, freedoms, food and firearms, or at least fireworks. It is especially wonderful of the country’s east coast where the brave colonists fought off British impudence, or at least imperialism, over 200 years ago.

Massachusetts, one of those original colonies, celebrates with many parades and much red, white and blue bunting.

This year, though, officials fear there will only be red as in blood red as in massive, never-before-seen, shark attack.

It has been reported that Great Whites are amassing by the hundreds off Cape Cod sending shivers down the spines of those whose jobs it is to keep people safe.

Cape Cod National Seashore Chief Ranger Leslie Reynolds, in a press conference, “Even with COVID, they are still out there. … We know they are coming close to shore.”

Seals have been washing up on that shore with massive bite marks taken out.

Atlantic White Shark Conservancy research show that Great Whites are everywhere, from the tip of Monomoy around Provincetown to the mouth of the canal in Cape Cod Bay. Buoys have identified signals from tags on over 200 great white sharks in 2019 showed that the bulk of the population, and the biggest sharks, still appear to reside along the Outer Cape’s Atlantic beaches. One buoy at Nauset Beach showed nearly 3,800 detections from 64 individual sharks last year. A buoy off North Truro showed over 14,000 signals received from 53 sharks.

And this year there seem to be more.

Trauma kits are being delivered to lifeguard stations and signs posted but officials worry it will not be enough.

Orleans Natural Resources Manager Nathan Sears said, “The key to this is changing the behavior of people. They have to recognize that there’s a peak season when these animals are here.”

Red, red and red.