Like, so dull and dumb as to be a true honest-to-goodness miracle.
This, you know, is BeachGrit. A place where the glass is forever half full. The cob of corn always half uneaten. It’s anti-depressive to its very core and so I come before you with an honest question. Within our current vacuum of professional surfing (possibly extending through the next decade) are you thrilled to pieces about the upcoming Rumble at the Ranch or will you accidentally miss it due a gynecological examination?
I ask because if Kelly Slater’s crowning jewel doesn’t captivate in the Covid era, it is magically dull and dumb.
Like, so dull and dumb as to be a true honest-to-goodness miracle.
The John Carter of sporting inventions.
Rumble at the Ranch has an intriguing format, a solid cast including Pip Toledo, Caroline Marks, Kolo Andino, Kelly Slater himself and is taking place in front of starved-to-near-death professional surf fans.
But the wave.
That mechanical ripple mowing in that straight line as a high-pitched whir fills the cow stink. Four minutes between mechanical ripples. One surfer waiting her turn.
It is very difficult to imagine it being more captivating than a gynecological examination.
Am I being overly rude?
Convince me I’m wrong for I want to believe!
Saw Kelly at Sunlife in Point Dume and he asked me to pass on a message: “Keep it up, Hipster Doofus. We have the video of you kooking out at Surf Ranch and getting hurt and being hauled away in an ambulance and we are going to blast it to the world. So laugh it up, fuzzball.“
And he said it in italics which means he MEANT it.
Not sure what he meant by that, but he seemed adamant.
Wave pools look disgusting but really fun, just like my ex wife
They poured all their money into a completely outdated and strangely boring lemon of a pool and now have no other option apart from running a contest in the ocean, but you know, who wants to watch one of those. Why do they persist with fresh water.
I agree to hate watch so long as it’s free.
Pussy
What do they win? A fishing trip to the Galapagos with Ke11y?
Lungs full of cow farts and chemical fertilizer air
Blame Chas. BG’s next billboard.
You know, Chas has his hands full writing books, keeping you all entertained round here, sheparding his daughter in the fine art of irreverence, paying off Covid related fines (heavily documented here), avoiding Child Protection Services for his Euro Vacay fallout AND living large at a NY Hotel’s name in Beverly Hills that looks like the Irvine Hilton. Full plate.
Blaming him is like piling on and most of us are better than that.
And I have to say, being offended and virtue signalling is like rose scented bath salts in a warm tub without a train driving through it…. meaning I’m growing accustomed to identifying trigger of outrage and blaming people too.
By the time this flat spell is over, I will be Woker than Woke.
Are you out of weed?
Was, Drove up to Ojai today and SCORED some Maui Wowie (!!!!!), I was so stoked to see it on the menu, then drove back down the hill and hit the Bar b Que place and enjoyed a tri tip sandy with skinny fries.
It’s like a pilgrimage and addresses all my needs except sex.
Ben Marcus is offended by the way you spell your name.
@disqus_nEmZsdyY0S:disqus man u have such a hardon for Kelly its worse than watching Topgun at a Mardi Grass afterparty.. and all this pool hate, we all know is just because you are a fuckin kook and couldent surf it haha.. do u even surf or just walk the beach with ur midlength and lame ass rose colored sunglasses pretending to be Hunter S.Thompson.. not hating just stating the obvious
How’d that for you mate?
Feeling triumphant?
Ready for another shot at the title?
Fuck cunts take shit serious these days eh. You’d think Monty Python, South Park, Joan Rivers, David Letterman, Ricky G, Woody (Sussman) Allen, etc et al awesome never existed.
Thanks for noticing sunglasses have rose lenses.
NonJohn would watch this event if every surfer had to take a good amount of LSD about 25 minutes prior to their 40 minute heats.
I’ll watch it cause there’s nothing else, but I guarantee I won’t like it
General questions to no one in particular and yet to all:
Why is Raimana always in Leemore? Did he fall in love with desert agriculture or dusty roads people speed on?
Did Pip move to San Clemente to train for Chopes and Gland?
As a heterosexual male who identifies with the pronouns He and Him, I am offended by Jen See’s exclusionary opinion that men can’t relate to a gyn office visit. I’m offended, insulted and it strikes me as a sad reflection of our cultures need for division. Has Jen enjoyed a prostrate exam? How about a colonoscopy? Your remarks are insensitive and I considered you ABOVE such intentional condescension.
I know, that didn’t end in a question but I told y’all, I’m offended. Heated even.
How did Chas injure himself in the pool? Did he ignore the signs warning him not to bring glass because he doesn’t like vodka in a plastic vessel?
How is it possible that the only wave breaking in California since the holiday is a pool in Fresno?
Why would Bicko move BACK to Germany as Trump removes our troops? Coincidence or his master plan all along?
Rumors persist that Negatron’s bucks night out featured Asian girls with immaculate feet imported by sex traffickers and curated by Ghislaine herself prior to her unfortunate incarceration. I warn all to avoid unwarranted conjecture and let the facts come out before identifying our moderator as part of Eppy’s southern hemi business associate. Just stop.
Anyone notice that Bexy went dark after visiting with Derek and his Japanese towel boys?
Will Ke11y be able to beat Caroline on the lefts? Enquiring minds want to know. We know she would smoke Parko on the lefts.
How is it possible that none of the commenters were invited to the surf Ranch for Beach Grit night???
Things that make you go hmmmm……
Ha!
Sexual appropriation ?
In 200 years Cricket has evolved from a 5 day match, to a 1 day match and finally to a 2 hour match. Pro surfing in the ocean is 40 years old and is evolving in a similar manner to match humans dwindling attention spans to a shorter form. Kelly’s pool is 1.0, WSL is on tight budget, let’s get behind it, provide constructive criticism and continue to develop a model works for us, works for The surfers and generates a buck.
The only thing that could redeem this event is a feel good side story of a surf journalist’s return to face the tank that nearly ripped his arm off. I can see them running an add with a lanky stiff figured surfer cautiously trimming along an emerald beauty with an Oregon accent proudly stating “We were always coming back!” They could rename it “Redemption at the Ranch”
Sold!
KS is gonna double block you for this
Yes, what’s the next step beyond cancellation? KS will send his heavies to Chas’ place to rough him up (could be sexual)..
Derek will be there
double block = an unblock!!!
Kelly’s pool is like when your mum sees you eating a caramel Tim Tam and then the next time you go to her house the pantry is full of caramel Tim Tams and nothing else.
You forgot the bald guy guarding the pantry
Mums weird new boyfriend
You don’t have to know what the hell a caramel Tim Tam is to love Beach Grit.
There’s no plural for Tim Tam. One Tim Tam, two Tim Tam, three Tim Tam, pack of Tim Tam, house full of Tim Tam and so on and so forth.
That’s outrageously incorrect. Refer to: iconic genie ad .”I’ll have a packet of Tim Tams that never runs out.”
The genie was a dude though.. major life disappointment. Almost as bad as working today and being tortured by the camz.. urghh hope you getting after it
Been off work – 6 surfs in 3 days! But was up the coast and it was a few feet smaller, got a late one in sarvo at home and it was cooking!
Nice one cuz.
It goes on. Today again, soooo fun.
Okay Surfad
John Carter was a good movie. Glass 3/4 full good. And if they (WSL) were smart, they’d just make a tub tour. Hit Slater, Palm Springs, and Waco. Typhoon Lagoon for shits and giggles. Same format at all of them once the first team is created. People would watch, as that brings some variety to the waves being surfed.
This is the sort of anti-depressive I was looking for!
One of those wave-pool kids who only just learned to walk would win it.
Which would be awesome.
To flog a dead horse comparrison – Halfpipe v Slopestyle v Big Mountain snowboarding brings different skillsets and champions… surely Pool v Ocean surfing can do the same. Really great surfers would transcend disciplines and blah blah blah… i’ve bored myself already…
Stuck in vicco lockdown does trange things to a person
Upvote for the name alone
Jesus christ, snowboarding.. for the fat cunts who can’t surf.
Make it like the old drive thru series so they have to road trip between them too, while dealing with Donavan Frankenstein being a total tool!
Fear and loathing style …
Give em credit for trying. They could have just given up. I’ll watch.
Oohh Chas dont be that rude with the WSL they dont really know where to go with the Money from Ziff or is he calls Diff whatever… they have ELO the master of content productions, and look at that!!!! Taaddaaa Lawn Patrol, Abracadabra Brillnat corners and the Crown Jewel simsalabin Sound Waves… Thanks soooo much ELO billant job… and this year they even coudnt make the only job they had tobdo in whole world, that is crown a new world champ, they coudnt produce content, even with their own athletes, they coudnt make a round table discussion with their team about surf( ok I dont wanna hear joel turpel and Potz.. but Ronnie and Pete and maybe some surflegends even via Skype or Zoom… and now the Rumble in the Baisin withou JJF, Italo and Gabe… sad, sad, sad
Ps. Sorry about my english, its not my mother language